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Do you ever feel so detatched from so called "normal" people? I'm finding that the longer I use cannabis, alcohol and sometimes mushrooms, the farther I'm being pulled away from everyone. I don't feel this is a wrong path though...like it's where everyone should be. It's hard to explain. It's like I observe things, the way people act and conduct themelves, so profoundly different from anyone else I know. Humans play so many unconscious, what I like to call "games", with each other and even themselves. And no one even realizes they do these tiny, but significant(to me anyway), games. Even if you try to bring it to their attention, you are looked at like you are a spacecase that makes no sense. So obviously I keep these thousands of observations to myself.
I can understand what's needed of me to be somewhat accepted in society, the little games I must play, the financial life I must get involved in, etc. I honestly feel downright alien to human beings sometimes. Like I'm here just observing all these feable humans . I know how to act to be accepted, yet I feel detatched. Even people who say they don't play these games, DO. And yes, that means even me. Sometimes I catch myself doing them and immediately correct them. So to my roommates for example, I seem quite different in the way I conduct myself. Everyone thinks I'm a good guy and so on, but I'm looked at as somewhat alien. I've never cared about what people though, as long as I try to be good to all people, and I have never questioned myself and my personality, but I think I'm starting to lose faith in myself.
I'm starting to think to myself, maybe I'm actually not healthy upstairs. Nothing serious enough to be locked away mind you, but nonetheless, different. I never thought my kind of "different" was something wrong, but I really am having trouble convincing myself of this the older I get. Sometimes I think maybe it's just something to do with my ongoing cannabis habit(5 years, everyday toker). Sometimes I think it's my occasional mushroom trip. Sometimes I think it might be an actual physical problem with my brain.
The older I get, the more people seem to be falling into line with the MAN'S plan...you know what I mean? Everyone's going down the same path and I just don't want to go there. I feel that almost everything about that path is wrong...but I must go that way because that is what is expected. I find it very hard to explain myself properly, so I hope someone knows what I mean. So I simply stroll down this path, somewhat afraid that I'm not going to like where it takes me, yet very observant. Probably too observant. And I think this is what makes me feel very detatched.
For the very first time in my life, I actually feel the need to take a very long break from cannabis. Over a year. This is something my body really wants. I just know it's time now. So that's my new year's resolution. I'm also going to try and cut alcohol to only very special occasions. So I'm hoping this helps. I get lots of exercise, have a good paying job and am not a depressed guy by any means. I have my fair share of troubles, just like everyone. Hell, that's life. But some of my troubles just aren't needed I feel, yet these troubles are here because I'm "falling in line" with every other sheep.
I'm living the normal respectable life, am a happy/positive guy most of the time, yet I feel so detatched. I have friends, but no one I could talk to about someting like this.
Don't feel so alone, bro. I think you probably just summed up the feelings 75% of the people who visit this site experience from time to time. I certainly know where you're coming from at least, so that makes 2 of us. I don't have any answers for ya though.
What do I know? I'm just one of those out of focus guys who see the world going on about it's pointless little way, paying no attention to what they are really doing or where they are going. Everyone just doing what they're supposed to be doing at that point in thier lives and feeling inadequate if they somehow find themselves in a place other than where society says they should be.
I'm not bothered by it however. Quite the contrary, I'm thankful to have the insight I've been given, and you I suspect, would do good by coming around to that way of thinking as well.
I've normally been the same way. But as I get older and as more years pass and the more substances I consume(I think this might be half the reason), I'm starting think that maybe I SHOULD start using my insight to "fall in line" and be normal. And it's not a "from time to time" thing for me. 24/7 I'm being hammered with these observations. I can't stop seeing things the way I do. Or maybe I can? Who knows.
I don't want to conform to so called "normal", I just don't want to be so observant about it. It used to be a good thing, but as the years pass, it seems to be making me feel TOO detatched. It really does make a guy feel pretty alone.
And as great as you all are, easily the best people I've met, I even feel detatched here.
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