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 MiRrOr
Zeta Reticulan
Registered: 05/09/04
Posts: 83
Loc: Everywhere and Nowhere
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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 something i wrote after a trip... 
#3511607 - 12/16/04 11:17 PM (19 years, 4 months ago) |
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figured i'd post this up in this forum where it belongs and should be shared...hopefully i can get some critique/opinions/thoughts out of you's...
a friend and i ate some (bout 2.5 g) at 1pm one day 2 weeks ago and at 10 pm that nite by myself in my room, just finishing off some mary jane, came up with this...
it has no official title, so feel free to give some title suggestions...
darkness - the ultimate canvas
imagination running rampant.
a multi-layered...
a multi-forming...
string of possibilities.
open your mind
to a world of pure...
imagination.
whole new dimensions
using eyeballs - the ultimate extensions...
of...
...
your brain.
your being.
your heart.
the goddess takes hold of your eyes
the image behind her begins slowly spinning
to the left
then, the same image appears beside the other.
one spinning left...
the other, right.
concentrate on the pattern of light
the only concievable thing in sight
our planet spinning in fright
dont fret, its alright.
spiraling beyond comprehension
the truth coming to surface
we're drowning in lies...
the trees
dancing and swaying
in the collectively calm breeze
silence
the only sound
as my feet
jangle
across the crooked street
i realize...
i'm not the only one around...
feel your heart beating with the rest of creation
the birds
the webs of every spider
so pristine, so perfect, so precise
watch nature unfold
in roses...
being painted
by the hands of "God"
one thought right to the next
they never seem to make much sense
yet i produce them in overwhelming context.
thinking of all and everything
feeling something and nothing
yearning to be anything.
shadows undulating in the way you percieve
taking hold of the surrounding matter
some answers, some enlightenment, you hope to achieve.
alien in nature
home in substance
creation, the pattern of the "Gods"
as they decend upon our warm residence.
they have made us...
some sort of sick experiment
gone horribly astray.
so, live for today
the vision from the divine ray
the life of molded, discarded clay.
every day is a gift...
so, to you...
i'll pray.
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"i don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows....i can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes....cinnamon, and sugary, and softly spoken lies, ya never know just how ya look in other peoples eyes"
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 Dark_Star
train driver pervading a desktop
Registered: 08/20/04
Posts: 31,859
Loc: Uranus
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Re: something i wrote after a trip... [Re: MiRrOr]
#3515541 - 12/17/04 10:51 PM (19 years, 4 months ago) |
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That's really good.  For some reason I can never put it into words like that.
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MiRrOr
Zeta Reticulan
Registered: 05/09/04
Posts: 83
Loc: Everywhere and Nowhere
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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 Re: something i wrote after a trip... [Re: MiRrOr]
#3519384 - 12/19/04 01:31 AM (19 years, 3 months ago) |
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what the fuck man...pple can read my post but god forbid pple actually critique it....but yet if i were some "popular" shroomery member, i bet the replies would light up.
i dont think my request is too much to ask for........
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"i don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows....i can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes....cinnamon, and sugary, and softly spoken lies, ya never know just how ya look in other peoples eyes"
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runnerup
student
Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 708
Loc: USA
Last seen: 13 years, 4 months
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Re: something i wrote after a trip... [Re: MiRrOr]
#3520512 - 12/19/04 01:16 PM (19 years, 3 months ago) |
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are you trying to get people to say they like it when they don't?
they are just being polite by not making fun of you.
but since your begging for it here it is:
you used
light
fight
sight
alright
in 4 consecutive lines that's pretty... in this case your consecutive use of the 'ht' words is pretty armature.
the body of your song does not match the conclusion
you refer to a goddess in the beginning then refer to "gods"
sorry man but there have been much better lyrics posted than this.
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Blastrid
e l e m e n t al i t y
Registered: 01/14/02
Posts: 3,323
Loc: The Desert
Last seen: 16 years, 3 months
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Re: something i wrote after a trip... [Re: runnerup]
#3520536 - 12/19/04 01:25 PM (19 years, 3 months ago) |
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a) don't turn this into a popularity contest.
b) I like it, it's definitely reflective of your psychedelic experience. It's kind of sprawling, but how could it not be after a trip... It's hard enough to collect your own thoughts let alone write them down into something with form.
c) you got opinions from some, but you are asking people to tell you why it sucks? You should have a higher opinion of your work than that!
d) A name is difficult to come up with, because it's so sprawling. So maybe just pick 1 line that you like out of the poem and use that as the title?
String of Possibilities
Everything, Nothing, Anything
Everyday is a Gift
eh? 
--------------------
Blas'?trid (bl?s tr?d)
n. 3rd generation derivitave of a combination of 'bastard' and 'blasted'. Used as both an insult or an expletive.
ex. Blastrid!
Stereopattern <--My music.
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MiRrOr
Zeta Reticulan
Registered: 05/09/04
Posts: 83
Loc: Everywhere and Nowhere
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: something i wrote after a trip... [Re: runnerup]
#3522684 - 12/19/04 10:49 PM (19 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
runnerup said:
are you trying to get people to say they like it when they don't?
they are just being polite by not making fun of you.
but since your begging for it here it is:
you used
light
fight
sight
alright
in 4 consecutive lines that's pretty... in this case your consecutive use of the 'ht' words is pretty armature.
the body of your song does not match the conclusion
you refer to a goddess in the beginning then refer to "gods"
sorry man but there have been much better lyrics posted than this.
let me 1st address this dipshit...
1) its not a "song".
2) i'm not begging for you to tell me its bad, because to me it's one of the best things that I have written.
3) i don't care if there have been better things posted, its not a fuckin competetion with everyone else.
4) who says the body and the ending have to coincide?? that just makes shit boring.
5) yea i refer to the goddess, and also the "gods" because they are 2 diff things...who says there has to be one god??
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"i don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows....i can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes....cinnamon, and sugary, and softly spoken lies, ya never know just how ya look in other peoples eyes"
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