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OfflineHBS
Male

Registered: 04/06/01
Posts: 42,528
Last seen: 3 years, 11 months
i am hurt by being alive *edit* but not for long ... i quit opiates
    #3478909 - 12/10/04 11:11 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

ive been in the hospital over the past week due to extended severe pain, anxiety and hopelessness because of my crohn's disease ...

before that (and unfortunately still now) i have been horridly dependent on hard opiates to dull my pain and make me feel 'normal' to any extent, hiding the pain i am burdened with ... not including this visit, i have gone to the emergency room over 15 fucking times this month ... THIS MONTH ... the pain and anxiety i get from my disease are not always the worst thing in the world (though they are many times), but the repeated onslaught of severely disabling and impairing issues with the disease hurt my threshold more and more every time ... i have for a long time withstood the disease with, if nothing else, a desperate optimism, hopelessly dreaming that my life would return to a somewhat normal state and i could enjoy being a normal 19 year old ... but my condition is relentless, and constantly worsening(?) ...

i can't stop thinking about how depressed it seems my (divorced) parents are, yet they both consistently attack and hurt me mentally to a point i am numb to this world, numb yet somehow still in pain ... my mom accuses me of everything in the world constantly, specifically accusing me of always being fucked up just because i dont seem normal from the symptoms of my disease and unfortunate and unwanted opiate abuse ... she doesnt realize its like daggers to my body on top of the already existing wounds every time she accuses me of being messed up ... its dehumanizing and very painful to go through all the time ... she was unapologetic tonight when she did it again and i explained how i feel, since i am already going through extreme dilaudid withdrawal from the hospital, and the fact that they didnt let me eat solid food the entire time, and having not gotten sleep almost all of the time due to constant tests ... she made fun of me for being upset with her and made me feel even worse, but i think she got worried that im going to hurt myself now shes all kind again .. always in a manic depressive mode, she doesnt make sense ...

when i had to go to the ER recently, it was due to her not releasing me my medicine because she accused me of being a drug dealer and an addict ... i can no longer stand this abuse but i cant hold a job because of crohns, so theres no way for me to move out until i start getting better ...

i have made it clear i dont LIKE or WANT to use pain medicine for anything but my pain by sometimes letting her ration it to me instead of dosing myself ... i want to get off pain meds altogether next week and just deal with pain ... even though i dont know how i could stand it ...

i feel like hurting myself a lot now ... its killing me

i just needed to voice myself, i dont feel very stable


Edited by HB (12/11/04 01:15 PM)


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Invisibledr_gonz
Registered: 08/18/03
Posts: 44,644
Re: i am hurt by being alive [Re: HB]
    #3479095 - 12/10/04 11:54 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Hang in there man. I have a friend with the same type condition, and I see the pain he goes through. I believe you, and it's a shame your mom doesn't fully understand the pain your in.

Keep your head up man. 5 shrooms to you.


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InvisibleLe_Canard
Danger Man
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Registered: 05/17/03
Posts: 93,259
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: i am hurt by being alive [Re: HB]
    #3480028 - 12/11/04 02:42 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Man I feel for you - it must be hell. I don't know what to tell you but hang on and keep hoping, and maybe someday someone, somewhere will come up with a way to better manage Crohn's, or even a cure...


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Offlineenotake2
Stop Bush's war
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Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 1,457
Loc: Comfy chair in my lounger...
Last seen: 5 years, 5 months
Re: i am hurt by being alive [Re: HB]
    #3480060 - 12/11/04 02:49 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Hey HB. I've read posts about your chrones ever since it started. I'm really sorry you are going through it. It really sux that your mum is doing that to you when what you probably most need at the moment is support. Some people, when you feel crap or depressed want to kick you while you are down. My mother does it as well when I get down, when I feel least able to handle her criticism. Do you have pain clinics in America. If you do, it might be helpful to visit one. Psychological mechanisms can be very effective for dealing with pain. Anyway, I know you have a lot of people on the shroomery who care about you very much, and would hate to see you hurt yourself, as I would hate to.
I hope things get better.


--------------------
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium

"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.


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Anonymous #1

Re: i am hurt by being alive [Re: HB]
    #3481040 - 12/11/04 11:01 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Speaking from my experience, being off the opiates will do you better in the long run. Anxiety from daily dosing is ALWAYS there the following day, making your condition worse. You'll be relieved once your W/D symptoms go away. Opiates lie. They aren't that effective for chronic pain, a double edge sword.

Smoke lots of hash, it will do you a world better than fentanyl.


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OfflineHBS
Male

Registered: 04/06/01
Posts: 42,528
Last seen: 3 years, 11 months
its over ... in a good way [Re: Organic]
    #3481312 - 12/11/04 01:12 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

lasnight i had a life changing experience, not long after i made the post .. realizing how removed i was from reality, and going through the scariest withdrawal i could think of, all i could think of was that i either continued and ended my life or stopped altogether, for good ..

yesterday i took the last 60 mg of vicodin at 4 pm, and im throwing away the rest ... this is the longest ive been off opiates in months, forever, and i survived the scariest part of it ... i was sure i was going to die, and my mom said i looked like i was going to die too ... black eyes, nervous breath, panic, inability to see straight, inability to function to any extent .. i was wondering whether i should go to the hospital

this morning i managed to deal with my pain without opiates, for the first time in forever ... ive been off opiates almost 24 hours ... i smiled again (a real smile) for the first time again, and couldnt stop for so long i was sure id gone mad

opiates clouded my mind and changed me completely .. today is day 1 in never being on opiates again, and i feel great

youll never see me make a post about taking opiates again


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Anonymous #1

Re: its over ... in a good way [Re: HB]
    #3481605 - 12/11/04 02:24 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Congratulations, this is a huge step.

You'll be AMAZED at the clarity in a few months. The 25th will be one full year for me, and I feel I am completely back to normal (endorphins, anxiety, etc) now.

There are much better meds out there, opiates are overrated. Hash=godsend.


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OfflineBaby_Hitler
Errorist
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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 03/06/02
Posts: 22,840
Loc: To the limit!
Last seen: 2 months, 1 day
Re: its over ... in a good way [Re: HB]
    #3481708 - 12/11/04 02:55 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

is the MMJ not helping?

Are you getting enough?


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InvisibleTeragon
Noddy

Registered: 02/21/01
Posts: 36,253
Loc: Lost in the Patterns
Re: its over ... in a good way [Re: HB]
    #3482072 - 12/11/04 04:52 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

HB said:
lasnight i had a life changing experience, not long after i made the post .. realizing how removed i was from reality, and going through the scariest withdrawal i could think of, all i could think of was that i either continued and ended my life or stopped altogether, for good ..






Ahhh, a "moment of clarity."  They really seem to wake you up and kick you in the balls, no?

I'm really happy for you HB, i kinda know the struggle yer in. Be Strong, my friend, you will make it. You are stronger than the opiates, they are just a chemical. I wish you the best.

:laugh: :wink: :heart: :sun:


--------------------
need that cash to feed them jones.


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OfflineWorf
Lt. Commander

Registered: 07/04/04
Posts: 15,663
Loc: Final Frontier
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
Re: its over ... in a good way [Re: HB]
    #3482828 - 12/11/04 07:54 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Have you checked into hypnosis at all?

I've heard women can give a natural birth with hypnosis. Apparetnly a large part of pain is simply in the mind, and the hypnosis allows you to bypass it.


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