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Offlinewrestler_az
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questions to my answers
    #3468893 - 12/09/04 05:06 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

this is in response to my self destructing thread. i know i already got a thread going on this topic, but i just kinda felt like starting a new one. i hope that doesnt bother any of you. this is a bit of an update of sorts. it also turned out to be quite long, so i hope you dont mind a bit of a read. if not, go ahead and hit your back button now.

i just got really really really stoned....
not sure if thats relevant here or not, but for some reason i think it might.

anyway, i started thinking. i mean, ive been thinking about alot of shit lately.....but tonight, i was thinking about....well, i was thinking about thinking. lol (reminds me of the times where during many of my trips i talk about talking. anyone who has been to any of the az gatherings knows what im talking about here :grin:) anyway, there is a point im getting at here, so bare with me.

so where was i? oh ya, thinking about thinking....

so basically, i was sitting there getting stoned and i kept asking myself...why? why have i been thinking the way i have been lately? for the past month or so, ive been up and down, high and low, basically a big emotional pile of shit. and through my last thread, and the kind words from the people who posted in it i found out what i need to do. but the funny thing is, what i found out tonight, is that i knew that all along. i knew that a month ago before i even started asking these questions. its kind of odd, but i just realized that instead of looking for answers to questions, my brain has flip-flopped and this whole time i have been looking for the questions to the answers i stumbled upon during my first nights trip at the last gathering.

ok, so what exactly am i talking about here? behavior. i need to change the way ive been behaving. i beat up on myself when i dont meet my expectations. i procrastinate. i let life fly by as if i am watching some kind of drama soap opera. i need to take charge. but....i think i already have. or at least i did.

ive also been thinking alot about my latest trip into the psychedelic realm. it was a very odd trip for me, very pleasant and entertaining, but also very odd. and needless to say im sure the people that were there found it just as odd/entertaining as i did. what i did that night was that i found an answer to a problem that i wasnt consciously aware of at the time....so it just kinda flew by with out leaving the impression it was meant to make.

in short, i changed my behavior. i became king. to me, everything was about ME. we gathered together because of ME. the other people were there for ME. they were my puppets. they were there to entertain me, and make sure i had a good time. that was their sole purpose of existence that night. i was cocky. i was arrogant. i was making demands left and right. sing for me! dance for me! i want to see pretty lights! the funny thing was that everyone was eating it up, and it seemed as if they were actually listening to my demands, so in turn that just boosted this power trip i was on to the point of insanity.

what made it so weird for me, is that the words coming out of my mouth that night were not planed. i was not "trying" to act the way i was....i just was. like for instance..... i added a quote to my signature from that night.

bow down and worship me. and entertain me, like the puppets you are

at one point in my trip, i actually said that to about 15 people around a camp fire. i didnt know thats what i was gonna say when i opened my mouth to speak. i heard the words for the first time just as the rest of the people there. its like i was posessed. it was as if someone else had gotten inside my head and was doing my thinking for me. but i wasnt posessed. i had just changed my behavior. maybe sub consciously i knew this was something i had to do, and it came out in this trip before i even realized what was gonig on.

i came down, eventually.....and i came down hard. on top of the mushrooms the first night, i also rolled, and did some K.....with bursts of N2O here and there.....then rolled again the second night. i went from king of the world to scum on the bottom of someones boot in the matter of a weekend of drugs. i then wollowed in my sorrow for about a week, leaving the insight i had stumbled upon the first night further behind.

so now, here i am stuck in the aftermath of a drug-induced depression, lose my job, and start dwelling on all the shitty things going on in my life and asking myself why. well, from the looks of it i was doing it all to myself through certain behaviors that i need to change. this was the problem i had previously found the answer two a month prior, during my trip. and around and around i go.......am i on the inside looking out, or the outside looking in? or is the true answer somewhere inbetween?

thinking about thinking
talking about talking
and most recently, beating myself up for beating myself up
god, is there no end?

anyway, ive been really strugling to figure out a way to change my behaviors to better myself. to me it seems like such a hard thing to do....but i did it that night with out even trying, so it cant be that hard.....i dont know exactly where im gonig with all of this, but i felt i had to get it out of my head and into something more concrete than thoughts. im not even sure if any of that made any sence to you guys, but to tell you the truth....it doesnt even matter it made sence to me :grin:


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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OfflineJacquesSauniere
mr
Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 180
Last seen: 10 years, 6 months
Re: questions to my answers [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3469144 - 12/09/04 08:04 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

hrm, but is there actually something wrong with you/your behaiviour? why change what doesnt need to be changed, if your negative behaiviour (if at all you really do have any) is effecting people in an adverse way then perhaps you are right to ask such questions of yourself. Perhaps its time to ask those around you what they feel?


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OfflineCaRnAgECaNdYS
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Registered: 04/09/04
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Re: questions to my answers [Re: JacquesSauniere]
    #3470751 - 12/09/04 03:37 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Holy crap I actually read all that. Now your writing what your thinking..that is a good thing.
I'm sure I've told you that you had a big influence on the way I now behave. All those talk we had had me thinking. I was always so worried about what others thought about me and everything that I did was to impress others. I was like a robot and shit.
You helped me see my way out of that. Because I've changed the way I think, my whole behavior has changed. I do what I do for myself and I've never been happier. It shows to, people ask me daily,"why are you always so happy?"
Like it's wrong or something.

Anyways..I think I went a little off topic with this reply. Either way I want to say that you are a very strong minded person and you know that you have it in you to make the changes you want to see.

Good luck with life Billy and live well!


--------------------

The secret to being funny is to say smart things stupidly, or is it stupid things smartly? Whatever..it's not rocket surgery...or something like that.


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Offlinewrestler_az
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Re: questions to my answers [Re: JacquesSauniere]
    #3470888 - 12/09/04 04:01 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

yes, there are a few things wrong with the way i am/behave. that is what ive come to realize. most of my negative feelings and any time i fall into a bit of a depression is usually because i am too hard on myself. i beat myself up when i dont meet my expectations. i need to stop punishing myself the way i do. i need to let myself be happy. anytime i start getting too comfortable i go and self destruct. kinda like, uh oh, im getting too happy....this isnt right.....then i go ang get fired from a job or something to bring me back down a bit. after seeing how easyily i changed my behavior during my trip, this doesnt seem to be all that hard of a task now. i just need to "remember" how i did it :smirk:

and desiree....im glad to see you feel that way. you are an interesting individual to say the least. next time you feel like you hate me, remember the post you just made.... :smirk:


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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InvisibleHendostan
Male

Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 4,441
Re: questions to my answers [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3471739 - 12/09/04 06:52 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

wrestler man, you're a cool guy. i hate to hear you so sad, but i think i know how you're feeling. you gotta get out of your cyclical thinking...thinking about thinking, talking about talking, etc., and ACT. one ounce of action beats a ton of words, to quote a favorite artist of mine. it sounds like you becoming king of the az gathering was your soul coming out and saying 'alright enough of this inferiority crap. i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me'. you might've taken it too far by getting cocky and arrogant, but maybe it was just trying to compensate from feeling the opposite for so long.  you gotta try to build up your confidence somehow, and if you're genuinely able to know that you're a good person, your actions and attitudes will change accordingly. you will be able to strike a balance between being king of the world and down in the shithole. in short, stop thinking so much, get yourself another job, figure out what you love to do, and do more of it. only you can really know what will make you happy, so act on that.
i don't know if this makes sense, i'm probably not the one you want to listen to as i sort of have some of the same problems, hah..but i couldn't just read that and not say anything :wink: best of luck man..


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Offlinewrestler_az
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Re: questions to my answers [Re: Hendostan]
    #3471925 - 12/09/04 07:26 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

shit man, some of the best advice you could get are from people who know where you are coming from...

Quote:

  it sounds like you becoming king of the az gathering was your soul coming out and saying 'alright enough of this inferiority crap. i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me'.




this is exactly what i was thinking. ive been beating myself up for too long. its kinda funny in a way. i was in such a mess after the gathering, but now after going through and analyzing everything that happened and questioning myself why im in the position im in, ive reached some clarity of sorts.

Quote:

from chaos comes clarity




311, from chaos, title track
aint that the truth...
:grin:


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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Invisible40oz
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Registered: 01/19/01
Posts: 30,038
Loc: Sandy Eggo. Ca.
Re: questions to my answers [Re: wrestler_az]
    #3502322 - 12/15/04 06:38 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

you really shouldnt turn your world upside down over this...
you had a recreational weekend with fellow trippers...
...and we loved your company, in fact, i'd be thoroughly
dissapointed if you werent going to the next one.
you shouted demands & made everyone laugh,
you entertained us, as much as we entertained you.
i ductaped *someone* to a chair, was it right? no..
would i do it again? you bet yer ass :wink:

now onto this,
when you came down & the days after,
your bodily chemicals were'nt as stable
as they normally are, seretonin for example was depleted,
seretonin controls your mood, eating & sleeping patterns.
not to mention the chemical residue of your weekend
left in your body...it doesnt all come out at once.
during this time period, life is chaotic
if you let it get out of hand.
sometimes we convince ourselves that the problem is
"who you are, that something is wrong with you"
and we beat the shit out of our brain trying to figure "it" out,
when we dont even know exactly what "it" is...
..ill tell you what it is!
we are so convinced by this sudden 'new found realization'
that something is wrong with "you"
that we completely forget that we just ingested alot of
perception & brain chemical altering chemicals the weekend before..


if you realize this, then youll be able to understand
your body & how your mind works during this time of mental
chaos. and find ways not to treat yourself as bad, or
not bad at all.

tell yourself not to think too hard, realize
your body & mind are in a sensitive state of recooperation,
trying to stablize your 'normal' chemical balance.
u just gotta take it easy during this time.
in the future i suggest going out with friends,
so that you arent alone thinking to yourself.


we love us.
p.s

we miss our king :kott:

:wink:


--------------------
:pacman: - - - -  :pill: :mushroom2: :pill2: :mushroom2: :regularshroom: :mushroomgrow: :pill: :pill2: :mushroom2: :poison:

:sun::heart::sun:

tiny_rabid_birds said:
"your avatar is dirty."


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Offlinewrestler_az
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Re: questions to my answers [Re: 40oz]
    #3512198 - 12/17/04 04:20 AM (12 years, 6 months ago)

actually 40. there ARE some things wrong with me....

whats wrong with me is that there isnt really anything wrong with me, but i make shit up and dwell on the little things, and over look everything going well in my life. i think too hard/too much, and i over analyze everything to the point of confusion. i also came to realize this is why i talk so much during my trips. remember my 15 minute rant where all i did was talk about not talking? well, i think that was the side affect of my brain trying to rationalize and explain the effects of the drugs i was on. i do this all the time, with every thought that enters my head. i pick them apart, analyze them, try to figure out where they came from, where they are going, how i can use them to my benefit, etc....the last gathering, and the chaos that followed, helped me realize what i am doing to myself. its these behaviors that are the root of 99% of my "problems" which arent really problems at all.

its weird how my brain goes in circles all the time. for instance....

what i just said here is the result of my "problem" my over analyzing my thoughts....but at the same time, if it werent for the analyzing, i would have never realized that it was the "problem", which in turn, also makes it the solution to my problem. heh, does that even make sense to you? lol

the answer to my problems IS my problems, which arent actually problems at all, they are the answers :grin:


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 


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