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So earlier this summer i had my first ever experience with a drug of any sort, marijuana(oh the tragedy). So shortly after i told my girlfriend at the time of the experience, she freaked out and was incredibly disappointed in me. I stopped for a short amount of time then propmtly fell into the routine of smoking almost everyday for a month or so. I then decided to move on to bigger and better things, after weed i tried salvia, morning glory seeds, dxm, mushrooms, lsd, blue lotus, vicodin, valium, demerol, and alcohol a small amount. Most of these things were used once with the exception of alcohol, salvia, weed, and morning glory seeds.
Throughout this time I'd attempted to be open with my girlfriend because i felt she deserved to know what i was doing. I would tell her everything more or less, but not necessarily the amount of which i was doing things.
I then decided to completely stop everything. I felt refreshed, i felt I had a clearer head and that i was more back to normal then i had been. Two months later I went with a friend to go hang out at some kids house, I wasn't planning on smoking but decided to take a hit or two. I ended up telling my girlfriend about this the next day or so. She instantly got very very angry and we had our first sort of "fight" in 5 months time.
I tried to patch things up as much as possible and we were ok for a while but with school starting back up, she became very busy and she then decided we would "take a break." This actually devestated me, even though she insisted it was just a break.
Anyways fast forward to today, i've smoked weed probably 5-6 times lately, but i've always been in a bad mood while doing it, always feeling guilty. I also am getting feelings of detachment from this world, as though it really is all made up; feelings similar to that i had on my mushroom experience(a semi-bad trip).
I've been semi-depressed and am still very much distraught about losing a girl i loved so much(even though i still see her alot it's hard). I don't know what it was like to be happy anymore. It seems like that feeling died somehow. I only could feel happy with her, even on the drugs I never was really happy it just helped me try to replace her.
So i guess what i'm asking is if i should try to move back to complete soberness from all substances to try to feel one with myself and my surroundings even if that means coming to grips with my aloneness, or should i furthur explore my soul with these substances?
Sorry if that was a bit of a ramble, feel free to chime in about any of it.
It sounds like you are engaging in severe abuse. You need to chill out for a while. Drugs can enhance life or destroy it.
-------------------- "A warrior is a hunter. He calculates everything. That's control. Once his calculations are over, he acts. He lets go. That's abandon. A warrior is not a leaf at the mercy of the wind. No one can push him; no one can make him do things against himself or against his better judgment. A warrior is tuned to survive, and he survives in the best of all possible fashions." ― Carlos Castaneda