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I hate this time of year. Hate it with a passion. Too much loss, remembered happiness that'll never come again, dealing with modified views due to failed expectations. No love or support....just motions to be gone thru, and pain hidden under false frivolity.
Soo much stress in myu life....it's getting pretty bad....i can feel the edge of breakdown coming, but can't tell when it'll be close.... just a test of willpower, i guess. how long can i hold a coherent functional mind in the face of all of this? Loss of love, loss of family, perceptions of no support...that's all bad enough.
But to top it off, jumping thru irrational hoops set up by an uncaring system of laws and a judge with a mission...having to forgo any real comforts to pay fines that, if not paid, are reason for incarceration...just trying to comply as best i can, and getting fucked at every turn as of late. FIghting for something ithat is no longer clear...dealing with a world that i don't belong in, and probably never will in my entirity.
I've come to grips with the fact that a good part of me will be alone for the rest of my life, as it has been since it started..but it's so hard to be in pain and under enough stress that i'm still seeing the shockwaves in myself and my little brothers, my mother and extended family. It's almost as if we're diseased.
Sometimes i think the only thing holding me together is my absolute base refusal to breakdown or lose control. I'm ME dammit, and i refuse to be weak that way.
Wish me luck.
-------------------- "..all those molecules thrashing their kinky little tails, hot for destiny and the street." Gibson
I feel like crap mostly all winter long. The cold temps combined with begin stuck indoors all the time really sucks. Nasty in the mornings, waking up in the bitter cold, scraping frost off of the windows and freezing my ass off while I'm half asleep driving to work. I feel like sleeping all day. I wish humans could hibernate, cause I feel my time would be better spent sleeping sometimes.
-------------------- Immortal / TemporarilyRetired The OG Thread Killer