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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Lines In The Sand *DELETED*
    #3353372 - 11/12/04 09:49 PM (12 years, 28 days ago)

Post deleted by JacquesCousteau

Reason for deletion: It's going back in the shop for more work. ;)



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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #3354833 - 11/13/04 09:11 AM (12 years, 27 days ago)

18 views and no one has anything to say?

I guess you don't like it. How about telling me WHY you don't like it? ...


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InvisibleMovingTarget

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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #3354839 - 11/13/04 09:19 AM (12 years, 27 days ago)

for a song i suppose it could be ok, just doesnt do anything for me, nothing new like.


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: MovingTarget]
    #3354862 - 11/13/04 09:46 AM (12 years, 27 days ago)

Fair enough, thanks for having SOMETHING to say. :smile:


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InvisibleMovingTarget

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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #3354965 - 11/13/04 11:10 AM (12 years, 27 days ago)

would rather be honest than set you up for a fall :laugh:


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Invisiblevampirism
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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #3355062 - 11/13/04 11:53 AM (12 years, 27 days ago)

i like a few aspects of it like the mood it tries to create and the word choice used for that, but i think the flow of the poem handicaps its other aspects


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: vampirism]
    #3355178 - 11/13/04 12:26 PM (12 years, 27 days ago)

Perhaps you're not interpretting the flow correctly?

No offense meant, it's just that I often say similar things about others' poetry simply because I can't "hear" the rhythmic structure.


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: MovingTarget]
    #3355183 - 11/13/04 12:28 PM (12 years, 27 days ago)

Quote:

MovingTarget said:
would rather be honest than set you up for a fall :laugh:




I'd rather have honest opinions any day.

Ass-kissing does not improve anyone's abilities, it just feeds their ego.


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Invisiblevampirism
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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #3355306 - 11/13/04 01:06 PM (12 years, 27 days ago)

I don't know, I feel the rhythmic structure but i just think it's mismatched with the word choice - your grammatical structure and overall rhythmic structure make the flow go in two directions at once in certain places - the first three lines of the first stanza for example - they stop too often to have the same structure as the rest of the first stanza, and then theres no actual change in content or theme to ease/introduce the change in flow in the rest of the poem.

I think you might have payed particular attention to the rhythmic structure, but its set up in such a way that I cannot read it in the "proper" structure if there is one.


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: vampirism]
    #3355335 - 11/13/04 01:16 PM (12 years, 27 days ago)

indeed.. I wish there was a way to easily explain the structure as I meant it to be interpreted with text alone.


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Invisiblechunder
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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #3355485 - 11/13/04 01:55 PM (12 years, 27 days ago)

I'm no poet, but I'll try to offer some advice. Its a great start, just needs some focus I think. What I would do is figure out the main thesis of the song, what is the point of it? What is the specific message I would like the listeners to pick out, above all else? The main theme. Once you find that theme, you should make sure that every line drives the listener towards the theme. Make sure each line adds another layer onto the theme that the previous lines have built, making the message clearer and clearer as the song progresses. You want to unify the whole structure; design the word choice, the meaning of the words, the rhythmic flow of the phonetics of the words, the content of the verses to reinforce the main thematic content of the chorus -- design all of these elements so that they help drive the main point home in some subtle way.

Don't know if that made sense, and its not really a specific crit, just some ways of tackling a problem that I've found to be helpful. Keep pushing the skills forward brother! Peace!


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: Lines In The Sand [Re: chunder]
    #3355965 - 11/13/04 04:00 PM (12 years, 27 days ago)

Haha.. yeah, I've heard all that before...

and I try to apply it when I'm writing songs.

This turned out to be more of a poem, though...


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