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Registered: 10/25/04
Posts: 168
Last seen: 13 years, 4 months
Hey Crackhead!
    #3328275 - 11/06/04 07:04 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,


I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.


*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***

Rate me and god will love you.

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Killer of Giants

Registered: 10/24/03
Posts: 1,138
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 10 years, 7 months
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: Genius]
    #3328287 - 11/06/04 07:08 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

maybe you can rig something up to the battery so they get a nice jolt when they touch the bike. Tape it and send it into America's funniest videos

:sunny: :sunny::sunny:

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OG shroomerite
 User Gallery

Registered: 10/22/00
Posts: 10,871
Last seen: 8 months, 16 days
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: Genius]
    #3328293 - 11/06/04 07:11 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)


I say coat the plugs with poison and don't tell.

how can it be illegal? he's doing something illegal in the first place.

I mean, you wouldn't report a weed dealer to the better business bureau if he shorted your sack

We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience.

We are spiritual beings going through a temporary human experience.

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Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 13,227
Loc: Pongyang, North Korea
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: StonedShroom]
    #3328310 - 11/06/04 07:17 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

io think that was the best post ever, sorry about your crack head troubbles man



"in times of widespread chaos and confusion, it has been the duty of more advanced human beings - artists, scientists, clowns, and philosophers - to create order. In such times as ours however, when there is too much order, too much m management, too much programming and control, it becomes the duty of superior men and women and women to fling their favorite monkey wrenches into the machinery. To relieve the repression of the human spirit, they must sow doubt and disruption"

"People do it every day, they talk to themselves ... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it."

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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 05/16/02
Posts: 21,014
Loc: the timbers of Fennario
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: Genius]
    #3328372 - 11/06/04 07:41 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

That's fucked up about the $100 but that was a great post!

Five for you!

The bus came by and I got on that's when it all began!

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There is lifeout there.....

Registered: 10/14/04
Posts: 29
Loc: Downwind of Seattle
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: Ripple]
    #3328411 - 11/06/04 08:09 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I agree with the voltage post lol or take your plugs off next time you park it . :goodluck:

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InvisibleCorporal Kielbasa
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Registered: 05/29/04
Posts: 17,058
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: Genius]
    #3328419 - 11/06/04 08:11 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Did some one say crack?

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badger, badger,badger...
Male User Gallery

Registered: 12/10/02
Posts: 16,286
Loc: Dancing In the Streets
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: Genius]
    #3328437 - 11/06/04 08:18 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)


Got a question about a substance?  Erowid might already have your answer! Have questions about the  mushroom experience? The  Tripper's FAQ may have your answer or someone else might have had your question before.
I know up on the top you are seeing great sights, but down at the bottom we, too, should have rights.
  - Theodor Seuss Geisel Dr. Suess

"I didn't come here to be easily understood" - Steve

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InvisibleCorporal Kielbasa
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Registered: 05/29/04
Posts: 17,058
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: Genius]
    #3328441 - 11/06/04 08:22 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I dont mean to be a douch but if your an enginere couldnt you figure out how to replace your own spark plugs? Things like that go on a bike all the time.

Takes ten minutes to get them drilled and tapped another five to get them out. Then five to put new ones in.

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eye of horus
 User Gallery

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 03/31/02
Posts: 11,345
Loc: Geographic Location (Stat...
Re: Hey Crackhead! *DELETED* [Re: Corporal Kielbasa]
    #3328447 - 11/06/04 08:24 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Post deleted by blinkidiot

Reason for deletion: Im sorry


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InvisibleCorporal Kielbasa
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Registered: 05/29/04
Posts: 17,058
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: blink]
    #3328463 - 11/06/04 08:31 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

I bet this crack head wasnt of the normal run of the mill slum type. I think this one was of the country breed. Probably drinks budweiser in the garage working on his car listening to metalica and pantera with a mullet base head kind.
Probably also uses a propane torch. and tweaks out llooking at a bikini clad poster thinking bout how much he would like to screw her.

I could be a freakin Pi couldnt I?

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fluid druid
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Registered: 02/10/04
Posts: 15,474
Loc: Zone ate
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: Corporal Kielbasa]
    #3328484 - 11/06/04 08:49 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Its an email thats been going around for a while :wink: it didnt happen to the poster.

funny shit though

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Male User Gallery
Registered: 12/26/02
Posts: 6,641
Last seen: 3 months, 1 day
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: Genius]
    #3328491 - 11/06/04 08:54 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

#3 - violence is ALWAYS the answer
1+1 = violence


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InvisibleCorporal Kielbasa
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Registered: 05/29/04
Posts: 17,058
Re: Hey Crackhead! [Re: Loki]
    #3329027 - 11/07/04 12:29 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Wo and look at me hear talkin smak.

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