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 oneoverzero
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 DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP 
#326627 - 05/26/01 09:09 PM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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I fell in love with a junkie. She said everything, gave me all the signs... and then turned and walked away. I am left puzzled - not as in, "this is tough, I've just got to figue it out - keep working at it!", but rather puzzled as in, demolished, pulled down like a wrecked building, blown into pieces. I guess for my spiritual growth and learning this is what I got. I have gotten cocky, out of hand... Now the ivory tower is beginning to fall. You see, I see how desperately forcing love from the slippery foothold of passion for ambition leads to the slip, a loss of balance, and the enveitable falling flat on the face.
During this time I've been deeply involved in following the lessons from ayahuasca - visions of thruth and intelligence appearing first, and then later confirmed in one way or another. I really got tangled up in the delema, "Am I simply seeing projections of my own desires? OR are the visions really my interpretetive manifestestions from a higher intelligence?". You decide... There was one ayahuasca entity that took several hours to instruct me about the nature of people inside the addiction of narcotics. Firstly they are diehardedly devoted to the "cult-of-me" - a hitleresque-like self-worship. Secondly they are Janus-like (two-veneers of personality: 1. the tough hard-core drug-user & 2. the soft innocent helpless white-kitten - a lure - a deception). And lastly they are only concerned with being imprisioned inside their glass-sphere of addiction, a glass-sphere they can half-way look out to the world from, but cannot leave under their own power - left trapped. And in inversion also they can half-way look at a highly distorted self-reflection from within the sphere at themselves, I suppose veiling the prison for what it really is. Their manuver is to attept to pick the lock of their prision with their 'pipe'. They well know the 'pipe' can never open the lock - it is an enticement to get me (on the outside) to open the lock to set them free. My personal interpretation is that once set free from the glass-sphere of addiction, say in this case, with this girl I fell in love with, her hopes once were to continue in the outside world along with the world of life-inside-narcotics, but just as a affair-on-the-side thing. Impossible! And she knows it too. It is only possible for me to go inside the glass-sphere with her and tell her about another way, a way of Freedom and Love. But alas, the epicenter of the glass-sphere is the size of your narcotic-supply (that's how I get inside - but it also excludes me too). Regretfully she chooses to stay inside for fear of loosing her world - which is not a world at all - it is a prision. Because here eyes are covered with large black pieces of obsidian while in this prision, it is impossible for me to get her to see her naked condition. And she is afraid. And there are others that make entrance by way of the size of their narcotic-supply. And she will sell her soul for the narcotic-supply - and they are completely aware of this as predators. I simply cannot compete. I hope you should obviously see that if I try to win in this way I'll be swallowed into the same glass-sphere - this is not an option. There's got to be another way... What do you know of such matters? What am I not seeing?
Am I wrong? I am obsessesed with rescue fantasies... should I let go? If I hear a "cry for help" should I just take the easy way out and live knowing I turned away? I've had visions - I mean VISIONS about this girl - I've seen her naked soul as well - and I feel so compelled to help. Does that just make me codependent? OR is this something God requires me to do to answer my prayers? I have seen 'signs' and I think God indeed is speaking to me with rejoice for my efforts to show this beautifil and once innocent young woman that what she needs is what holds us together as people (BLOOD of the HEART) and in the same way is the pure essence of the universe (DEEP LOVE) - And so I've sent her computer-generated laser-printed artwork of a symbolic Album of Love offerd to God (recordings of live events that have most deeply affected us both together) entitled: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP - It's a circulatory mantra where "DEEP" is spoken only once in the vocal rythm of a beating heart (fast, slow, pounding, pumping, skipping, anyway you chose).
On the way home from delivering the artwork to the post office, I saw a bumper sticker I almost couldn't make out... it said, "GIVE BLOOD ? PLAY ROUGH" around a red crucifix.
Would you offer me your honest advice? I'd rather take this woman as my own than leave her alone. What would you do in my situation? What would you do?
Life is so strange when your destination's unknown
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 mr crisper
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 Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#326638 - 05/26/01 09:32 PM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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you wrote -visions- in red.
something beautiful seems to be going on
go with it but dont forget to consider what changes it will bring to you whatever way things unfold.
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Droz
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#326708 - 05/27/01 12:01 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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oneoverzero- I think you are in no way wrong by trying to help this person from the entanglement of her own addictions. With an addiction like you speak of it brings one thought to my mind, you are at a point where you can't see anything better. Show her the way out. When she realizes there is a way, if her will is strong... she will follow.
mr crisper is right too.. it will take great change in you also.
Peace and well being,
Droz
-- "Eat what shall be eating." --
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Evolution of Time.
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oneoverzero
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 Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: Droz]
#326813 - 05/27/01 05:29 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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mr. crisper your last word was -unfold-, that's what's happening with her, an unfolding. I'd gladly die to my old life to begin this new one of two. With the inexhuastible power of love coursing through my viens, I don't believe I could do anything but grow into wholeness and integrate that completion outside of myself painstakingly woven into the fabric of her being. In a hightened state of awareness tonight I can see the interplay between my heart and eyes as objects in the world around me pulsate and beat to the same rhythm. Thank you for your choice of words.
Droz, I haven't SEEN anything better in seven years. I love her spirit and don't give a damn about "her" addictions - they aren't really even her's anyway - that's utter deception. She wants to break out into freedom - slowly realizing, slowly - I am lending her power, as it's been lent to me from the depths of the cosmos. Time will tell. Her intellect runs so deep it's like watching the hour hand on a clock - I've got no patients and zero time to waste. Every minute must count for me in these times. So I actively "compress" time into highly compact information-dense units - quantum mechanical links between my intent and the enegetic foundation of the universe to operate on their own, even without my concentration. Call it sorcery. As for the "great change in me" (hehe) I've got prolly 100lbs of pennies - I think I'll keep that "great change" (ahaha) for rolling on rainy days. But I see what you mean... my life will be transformed according to the forces that guide my destiny. Call it Reality. Bring it on babe! B-52 baby way up in the sky, come drop your lovin' on me tonight... yeeeoooww!!!
One problem. A tremendous gap. Unseen forces operating in unknown influences? A hidden domination? A programmed submission? Missing information... yet all the clues I need to get the message. A deep slow moving intelligence, so sub-bass-low-frequency that no-one can follow it - including my own perception. The patterns are emerging and it's unearthly exciting not knowing what in the hell is going to happen! Where is she hiding? I hope she didn't get lost, or perhaps "lost" is not the word at all... maybe it's just all beyond words...
My spirit is lifted. I owe ya one, both, each of it's own design...
Life is so strange when your destination's unknownEdited by oneoverzero on 05/27/01 07:58 AM.
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Chonger
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#326820 - 05/27/01 05:50 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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tip:
Simplify maaaaaan.
Sorry, seriously though, this kind of situation does not need overly complicated answers therories hypothesies and answers.
Go back to your roots as a wild animal.
Its in your heart, its in your art, your beauty.
Even in this world of lies, theres purity.
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than have a frontal lobotomy
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oneoverzero
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: Chonger]
#326829 - 05/27/01 06:21 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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Chonger - bomb azz words man... I must appologize for my cranial walnut. Ya see it's set up to program complex three-dimensional matrix calculus showing my ass off 1000 lines of code shit.
I AM going to relax about this, but ya gotta admit the energy of love is incalculably massive. I've got to put another 18 or so hours into a painting anyway - that way I can paint and create useful delusions in order to pinpoint the "missing information". A Sleuth of Truth, of sorts, so to speak. Useful delusions are assembled according to the rules of dreams (that means they have to be translated from archetypal units connected by intensities into facts connected by purposes or it would sound like nonsense).
Simplify hmmm? I'd better meditate on that. The Reduced Instruction Set Architecture Attitude. Hmmm... tooth and nail. Yeah man, yeah... tooth and nail. Chonger my man, you are in the groove...
Life is so strange when your destination's unknown
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oneoverzero
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#326869 - 05/27/01 08:32 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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Ok tooth and nail... right? I brushed my teeth and cleaned up my finger nails... no seriously I did. I think you mean, Chonger, to dwell in the Green Light of animal awareness (which is highly dangerous) - to be a piece of meat? To see how many more women I can fuck? To tear another man's head off from the neck for "looking at me funny"? Animal roots?
It sounds appealing, "arrrgh", but the word is not "complicated" as you suggest. The word is "sophisticated". Sophisticated answers offer a multiplicity of pathways to turn onto - multiple options - the CRUX of descisiveness, action, clarity and elimination.
Thanks for the supportive attitude though, sorry, I differ in awareness from animals - my awareness is the magic of my being - I am a particular instance of direct awareness of the universe, a servant of sorts to the cosmos. To become animalistic would be to loose the magic - not an option. I like your "go get 'em" tude as well... however there is nothing beautiful about me nor gentle for that matter, that's for her.
Ya know what happened? I'm looking for this book I want to refernece and the fucker has dissappeared again. Man I looked every fucking where for it. The LAST time it dissapeared I think is was 3-4 months later... and BAM! There it was - right where it was suppossed to be. I swear that book is like this woman... it dissappears... it re-appears... like fucking magic! Now where is it hiding? Where is she hiding? Damn this is exciting!
Life is so strange when your destination's unknown
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oneoverzero
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#326880 - 05/27/01 08:52 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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Log in to view attachment
Sorry Chonger dude... I'm changing my picture thingy...
Life is so strange when your destination's unknown
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Chonger
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#326883 - 05/27/01 08:55 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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Theres no need to applogise to me, its cool.
Its in your heart, its in your art, your beauty.
Even in this world of lies, theres purity.
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than have a frontal lobotomy
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oneoverzero
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: Chonger]
#326886 - 05/27/01 08:59 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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OK cool. Lemme see if the .JPG works right...
Do you think I can see where you came from?
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que
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#326890 - 05/27/01 09:12 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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Some things to think about.....
This is a fairly common theme but often the more rational of parties (drug wise) at hand is deceptive, trying to take advantage of the vulnerabilities of ones weakened state. Not the case here you have heart and intelligence which puts the situation in a much, much, much more favorable light than many simular situations.
What is the duration of addiction? this is important! it digs in deeper and deeper into more levels of your being with time. A Burroughs type of acceptance only comes with a long span of time....'its irreversably impermiated into every fiber of my being at a cellular level, it has permanently altering my stucture now needing H to function properly' this equates to lifers-methadone(hell) program ect.
You mention you are an artist, if she is as well this is often both curse and cure, a inability to express in a creative sensitive person can swing to the wide 'I cannot express myself as I would like to so KILL IT ALL!!!'. A revisit to the past? redirecting passions where once were headed headed before they ran into a 'spike' in the road.....
Personally I have faith you can do this, your initial post sounded a bit desperate, she has drained you of your energies (or rather kindly extended to her)you need to keep an eye on this and put yourself on the recharger, not giving too much too quickly finding yourself in a weakened state...don't get caught up in the moment its a process and if the physical is beat look for 12-18 months for actual body/soul wellness.
Last but NOT least ....have you read A. Crowley "Diary of A Drug Feind".....it is absolutly the best book on the subject IMO....READ IT TOGETHER!!!!!
Peace & Luck
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oneoverzero
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: que]
#327018 - 05/27/01 01:19 PM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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I am you. Just a different version. I know addiction end-to-end, and I never accepted "help" in discovering the 'why' and 'how' of it. It requires great skill to truthfully evaluate the quality of any drug. If you put me in a room with a kilogram of plant extracted chemically refined/converted pure cocaine, 10,000 syringes and 100 litres of saline (oh yeah, let's throw in 100 grams of diacytlmorphine HCl mp 183 degrees for kicks and dreams). And locked me in this room for a month... I'd be fucking raging pissed off because you locked me in a goddamn room and wouldn't let me out! Who wants to ride a rollercoaster every-fucking day of their lives anyway? Broke leg - OK nite nite sleep tight, at least you won't suffer - try not to move - let it heal on it's own, "you will dream" for a couple weeks my friend. Rotten tooth real stinky hurts like the devil - you're going to feel rather euphoric and my voice is going to sound like a giant hollow tube - tooth comes out - wash the socket - bite cotton. A little insuflated diacytlmorphine HCl (we make it ourselves with acetic anhidride *whew* stinky) for about a week - just rest and relax. The body heals itself.
Now people just want to feel good because they always feel bad. That low-grade grinding pseudo-pain that gets stuck on the periphery of the chest typically - or migraines dizzy vision black outs. They just want to feel good. These drugs force your structure to deploy it's reserves of good feeling stuff - and like magic, "holy fucking wowl!!!", you feel good. Then REBOUND. You just blew out your whole fucking reserves... Now you feel WORSE. Re-dose. OK fine... REBOUND. Shit this is getting (haha! right... getting) out of control. The structure begins to occilate in an unstable waveform... there are a few logical conclusions to the situation. Just wanted to feel good, hmm? A solution that DOES NOT WORK! Simple. How about let's take the hardest way and create an irreversible and permenant solution to feeling bad. Got a year? That's just getting started... 2 years OK, very realistic... including the hurt diminishing until you can get underneath it. Fix that. Trace down the whole network for the bad feeling. The brain is, by the way, self-organizing. It automatically responds to everything and anything you want it to do (or, and here's the REAL problem, what other people have made it do) so it's flexible and can be straightened out. Gently with a great deal of effort, not stressing over it, not obsessing over it, simply a great deal of effort it can be perfected if you like.
I HATE the word 'addiction' - it's supposed to be a disease. The only 'addicts' I know about are stuffy dusty places above the ceiling and below the roof. Mostly junk in there. We ought to have a yard sale eh?
For Society to say YOU are an 'addict' is a cop out. Now they're off the hook. Nope! Sorry! It's your problem! After a lifetime of abuse just wanna feel good? OK. Let's drop SOLUTIONS THAT DON'T WORK and find something that does, mmkay?
Oh yeah, I'm not the least bit ashamed to appear in your eyes as desperate. That's how I really felt at the time and that's not something I choose to hide from the world when my life is in the line. My appolgy to you is for being purely human, just like you. (eye-contact-wink-nudge)
Thanks for the kind words and advice. I'd dearly hope you treat yourself as well as you have me.
P.S. Damnit my pattern recognition enchants me. The BOOK, excellent (you tapped into The Field er sumthin?). And the 12-18 month thingy - check. Absolute min. 7 days, peaking around 21 days, and @ around 180 days, well, I don't want to hear inside, "the chance is lost", 12-18 months delay is FRIGHTENING - NO!!!) Officially now that's 'for her'. Auto-nada! Let's get the Heart and 'spike' on equal magnitudes. Heh, pattern recognition... She left a tape (oops) in my car, w/short song, "give me some time", "get your plan", "Pussy", "Take the red pill and I'll show you how deep the rabit hole goes","is you full legit or is you full of shit" - total length both sides ~15 mins? Tectonic time delay.
Do you think I can see where you came from?Edited by oneoverzero on 05/27/01 05:24 PM.
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que
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#327251 - 05/27/01 05:43 PM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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....bottoms up amigo and yes i do think you can see where i came from
past~> present~> and future when i have one eye on you, one scanning your girl, noticing tracks thinking 'me? her? some dope could be fun' then the de'javu hits when the third eye is checking out the whole scene bringing to light i somehow know these people snapping back into a reality check of respect.
....12-18 month thingy frightening? naaa just the estimated time for the way far swings of her microcosms' metronome until finally come to rest after thrown into overdrive/underdrive by Morphos and/or Narcos....long before the halt is just little often undetectable swings.
...ashamed to be desperate....naaa or you would just join in the fun(?) this is the very root. The problematic equation of the cycle trying to be broke..the shame of junkie with the addict label...bad,bad,bad,bad (the term that is,not the person).......mearly just a small reminder to recharge.
The non-working solution? fucking crazy!!!.... "all i want is some peace and relaxation"....that was last year now its "shit man what the fuck can we pawn to get high?" that was last year...."man it used to be we could just pawn some shit to get high, now its a $100 bucks to wake up before a day of crime for the other 2-$300 to actually get high".....the only fixes you'll remember are the ones that nearly kill you and the ones you get when you think your going to die....are we having fun yet? more importantly are we relaxed and in a peacefull state?... bwahahaha...
Rollercoasters are fun until you get thrown on the track and repeatedly run over, time is ticking and its making its way through the loop-di-loop coming round the bend.....is it going to kill me this time 'round? whooooosh!! aahhh nope i feel much better now...shit i hear it in the distance gaining speed......
I have a feeling your art is not limited to pastels and watercolors....i always imitate life so your going to have to bust out what know best....the blow-torch, sheetmetal, molten cast, fire sculpting, crazy art with no set boundries or subtleties and of course no fear! that occasional injury just adds a bit of your own blood into the work, makes it real, gives it life.....re-animation of the previous that lacked life but has great potential beauty.....not to alltogether dismiss present beauty just stressing the rambled point....teeheee....
I have also heard great things of Ibogaine ;)
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gribochek
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#328604 - 05/29/01 07:50 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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Forget your "sofisticated" stuff. Stop thinking! When Chonger says about animal roots he doesn't mean "fuck" he means "react without doubts or second thoughts".
The most grave mistake you can make is forget that the girl has a right to choose, even to choose drug abuse and/or death. Beware of switching from offering help to forcing help. The latter can only do harm.
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starboobies
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#328990 - 05/29/01 05:23 PM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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I think maybe you are thinking too much, your words are beautiful, just go day by day, if you want to see her, if you dont , dont. Do not help her ,tell her the way you feel about her drugs ,tell her if she wants you to help her get help you will. Donot supply her with drugs, give her money for drugs, just be there as her friend lover etc but ultimately it is her choice so why waste your energy on something you cannot fix
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oneoverzero
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 Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: starboobies]
#329209 - 05/29/01 08:56 PM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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Well now thanks all for the input, my way of doing things often isn't the best, maybe sometimes it is. Here's a bit more about the cast in this cosmic soap opera. The girl here I'm inflexibly waiting for is the sister to my brother's wife. Dual pairs of opposites, a pattern I can't resist. That was the first art I mailed to her, "Wheel of Four Rings" - I think it backfired, the symbol of the diamond inside a circle of gold (to her) opens an old horribly painful wound where that symbol was concrete and it means unspeakable abuse. I left her a message that I was sorry that I had to get the Big Serious questions out of the way first, before we get to know each other better, so we can relax. The art is just art. The only rings she'll be getting from me for a long time with be on the phone. I swear she's defying levity about this. TO MUCH PRESSURE CAN'T TAKE IT.
Ok I know what her situation is. LIFE CHANGE OVERLOAD. Her Dad's cut off her lease - now she's on her own to earn that roof that has housed twisted bizzarities of the silver-plater-lifestyle of winner-of-wheel-of-forture debauchery. DEPRESSION. And I agree, I'm fucking it up by trying to help - in other words I'm being a mercilessly judgemental asshole offering insulting degrading "you live without hope" deception as nothing more than a escape-way into my trap. No more. This tricky shit is cruel and there's no way to force it anymore. Like I said my way often isn't the best. Let's see what happens when she tries to pay the rent with drug metabolites. This is her father's design, and by the way, we have similar designs in the realms of nothing and silence.
Let's talk about bad timing. My brother I speak of was over-his-head going to sink slinging pills for the TOP DOG, who's stating to feed-to/on the one I want. In the most terrifying manuver of paranoid delusional deceptions, tell family this, tell the girl this (oh and the TOP DOG is hiding in her house right there) and her and I battle and fight and it's me or him. I'm taking him out of my designs with lies of being found out at any minute to be injected into the mind a of hallucinating somatic narcissist bent on domination. Fours hours on the phone detroys his expectaions, and allows her and I to sub-space-communicate finally getting back to our original bond - now it's privy info comin' down from a source who wishes to remain anonymous - TOP DOG has gotten too popular and you KNOW what that means right?. She's got to visit a friend accoss the block for a few minutes. Missing person. I won. Daylight: TOP DOG shows up knock, knock? Death stare and grave last warning... flees in terror. Sobriety can fuck with the fucked-up mind in a horrible soul raping. Last message to another, "Never come back" Elsewhere my brother has talk with father, "last time you got 6 mo.s + 4 yrs. probation - this time you stay forever" Shit in pants and the world collapses into ordinary everyday silence. He's got a daughter in his wife's belly and I'm the Demon of Destruction fucking shit up - the party's over. I broke the rules of the drug-world, loyalty and silence. I win (for now) hated and despised because my poker hand was nothing but a bluff and I let them see the cards, see? I changed your lives with nothing but words.
The lease is up in the next day. SHE DEEPLY RESENTS IT ALL TO HELL.
I think I've interferred enough for now... back to art.
Do you think I can see where you came from?
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que
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: oneoverzero]
#329511 - 05/30/01 08:15 AM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and
to impress him he takes on his multi-armed form and says, "Now I am
become Death, the destroyer of worlds."
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Edited by que on 05/30/01 10:58 AM.
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oneoverzero
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Re: DEEP LOVE BLOOD FLOWS HOT RED AND DEEP [Re: que]
#329775 - 05/30/01 02:39 PM (23 years, 3 months ago) |
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Yup. Lemme arche-type it on down...(Strephon Kaplan - Williams)
DESTROYING SHATTERING, DISINTIGRATING, EVIL
OPPOSING AGAINST, LIMITING, RESISTING
WOUNDING ACCIDENT, DAMAGING, CUTTING
SEPERATE BAD, ANTAGONISTIC, WITHDRAWN
ABSORBTION DEVOURING, EMPTY, VOID
CHAOS DANGER, DISORDER, DISASTER
ENDING DEATH, DEFEAT, RUIN
THE SHADOW MURDERER, IMPERSONAL, REPRESSED, PRIMITIVE, VICTIM, DEFEATED, MANIPULATIVE, VULNERABILITY, ADVERSITY, OPPOSING, EVOKING, NEGATIVE, FOOL, INSTINCTUAL, CUNNING
I think I shoud move out of this ego-dynamic, but not certain to where. More importantly, I found a repressed month of memory dissassocaitively poisoned parentaly - a seven page document accounting for my Psy M.D.... Continuing completing the details, arranged linearly, answering the question she thinks may be the source of why I am with her. My father's favorite hobby has always been 'pets'. Your insights I keep.
As for her... recharging.
Do you think I can see where you came from?Edited by oneoverzero on 05/30/01 04:43 PM.
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