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As the presidential election nears, the mainstream media is becoming increasingly more volatile and dangerous. Thus I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about those who tell us all we know.
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA
* The mainstream media is known in the blogosphere as MSM which stands for Magnus Stultus Medius.
* Many say the MSM is highly liberal biased, a charge easily proven by watching it.
* Apparently there is some curse on the media where, if they ever actually admit they're biased, they'll instantly die.
* Liberal bias of the mainstream media dates back to the Revolutionary War when the papers claimed the conflict was all about oil.
* Watching an hour of network news destroys as many brain cells as a case of beer.
* If approached by the MSM, don't make any sudden movements or they'll misrepresent you.
* In cable news, CNN is left leaning while FOX News is right leaning. The leanings of MSNBC is unknown since no one watches it.
* When the MSM quotes an anonymous source, that's a codeword for "It's a slow news day, so we needed to make crap up."
* It's not like interesting stuff happens every single day; if there's nothing to report, just show a rerun of Hogan's Heroes.
* Also, the word "expert" is a codeword for "some guy we found who agrees with our viewpoint."
* Bill O'Reilly has gained huge popularity in the media for actually asking tough questions to guests... and then telling them to shut up.
* The New York Times used to be a respected newspaper, but now it's a partisan rag that's reportedly no longer any good for even wrapping fish.
* And, as big as the New York Times is, you think they could fit in Dilbert somewhere.
* If news anchors are sitting behind a desk, they're most likely not wearing pants.
* Members of the MSM, when threatened with contradicting facts, will inhale air to puff themselves up in an attempt to scare away enemies.
* Every time I see Michael Moore he seems to be trying to scare away enemies.
* If ever asked questions by the MSM, say, "No comment." The best they can distort that to is "Comment no."
* For the longest time, the main news was on at 6pm. This is because members of the MSM are cold-blooded and need to spend the day sunning themselves on a rock.
* If a reporter grabs your leg in an attempt to get an exclusive, you may have to gnaw it off to escape.
* Better yet, gnaw off his arms.
* What do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall...
* The MSM is always reporting about the poor and on human interest stories, but they never talk about the things regular people care about such as which monkeys are most flammable.
* Weekly World News just makes up most of its stories (batboy!). This makes its main difference from other newspapers in that it?s actually entertaining to read.
* If there is a breaking news story and new information isn't available, the MSM will trot out people to speculate about the story. The way this is different from you and your cousin Skeeter guessing about what's happening is that the MSM people are better dressed.
* If you're at an event and someone claims to be from the MSM, ask for his press pass. When he shows it to you, quickly grab it and then run away while giggling like a school girl.
* Dan Rather suffers from nine different mental illnesses (I have documents to back that up authenticated by experts), and what appear to be folksy sayings are just his insane ramblings. No one will fire him, though, out of fear of being beaten to death with a sack of hammers.
* BTW, the frequency is 2.4 GHz, Kenneth, similar to that of a microwave.
* While many in MSM act like they're fulfilling some sacred duty in their news reporting, in reality they'd fill their news show with dancing go-go girls if they thought it would improve ratings.
* If anyone starts a news show that's filled with dancing go-go girls, they're stealing my idea!
* There are some right-leaning sources of information such as the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Times, and the average American.
* Many people find being dogged by the media a quite stressful experience, but one can get the media off their back by something as simple as a Molotov cocktail.
* With the advent of forged documents, this will decrease the news cycle on alleged political scandals because now the MSM can "prove" or "disprove" them at will. This will leave more time to cover trials of our ever more dangerous celebrities.
* Nowadays, many people's main source of news is late night humor shows. Ironically, many people's main source of stupid pet tricks is now the daily news.
* Some news organizations are considering replacing their anchors with jumping screeching monkeys. This would keep T.V. news about as informative and accurate, but reduce the perceived bias.
* In a fight between Aquaman and the mainstream media, the media would misquote all of Aquaman's fish friends and ruin his reputation. Aquaman would then go on a drinking binge, eventually becoming a full blown alcoholic. He'll hit rock bottom when he has to be rescued by a lifeguard in a public swimming pool. That will finally convince Aquaman to go to rehab. After that, he'll continue to go to AA meetings every week while lecturing about the evils of alcohol at schools. After being ten years sober, he'll die after getting hit by a schooner. The New York Times will only mention the unproven scandals in his obituary.
* The lederhosen-wearing MSM is quite disdainful of us pajama-wearing bloggers.
* The eventual goal of the MSM is to move from simple propaganda disguised as news to direct mind control.
* In the end, the blogosphere will topple the MSM. Then will start the great blog wars, in which most blogs will be eliminated. Left in the wake of destruction will now be a single man who will disseminate all news to the world while he sits on his dark throne drinking his puppy.
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