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InvisibleLand_Crab
NeuroticPsychonaut
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Registered: 08/29/04
Posts: 2,194
Loc: U.S.
Bad time #683
    #3153938 - 09/19/04 10:40 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Hi there,

I'm not really even sure what the objective of writing this is, but I figure, the more people I talk to, the better. I've been suffering from depression and anxiety (particularly social anxiety) of the moderate-to-severe varieties (suicidal ideation, panic attacks) for about 10 years now. I've been seeing a wonderful psychiatrist during this time, and have also been on a variety of antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs since almost the beginning. I've made some progress. (I'm 22/m) Please, no nay-saying about medication - it has been at least as helpful to me as the therapy.

I'd be happy to give more background info, but I'm trying to keep this concise. Here's the problem: I have a very unusual sexual fetish which I'm too embarrassed to describe. In fact, the only other person who knows about it is my psychiatrist, because he basically pried it out of me - and, this was the first time I realized that psychiatrists are fallible. It was unnecessary for him to know the nature of my fetish.

Anyways, I've been falling into a pattern of behavior for as long as I can remember now. The length of the behavior, and the time elapsed between this behavior has varied considerably - but it always happens.

The gist of it involves shutting myself off from the outside world (I.E. Should I go outside today?), moderate depression that usually becomes severe, shame, and a form of sexual release, gratification, and fantasy that is in-and-of-itself self-destructive. I've never had sex. My sex drive has also been reduced by the antidepressants. Typically, I'll start out maybe the first day or three feeling pretty good, but my mood inevitably worsens and worsens until I feel horrible, and often contemplate suicide. It's also destructive to me, physically. I've kept this behavior going anywhere from about 36 hours to about 6 months, and everything in between.

When I finally snap out of it, which is fortunately more voluntary than involuntary, I almost always feel tremendously elated - better than ever for at least a day or so. I just don't know what to do. The behavior feels somehow "necessary" for me, but I'm well aware of the fact that it is very bad for me physically and mentally, in the long run. And it always happens, like some kind of warped clockwork.

Recently, I tried to fight it when I felt it coming on, but the task was like trying to wrangle an elephant. I just had to give in, and I'm sitting here, yet again, towards the end of this "bad time".

Anyways, that's my sob story. I guess it was helpful just to write it out a bit, even if no one responds.

- J.


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InvisibleMOTH
Wild Woman
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,391
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Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Land_Crab]
    #3154065 - 09/19/04 11:06 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

I can relate a lot to what you wrote.  I think it's very admirable and brave of you to have sought help and found something that works for you.  (meds) 

It's okay to admit that you're still struggling.  I also have bad days and good days...I'm still am on a emotional rollar coster 24/7 and have many of the symptoms that you describe.  I also have quite an unusual sexual fetish. I'm afraid I don't have any advice but I wanted you to know that I can relate and that you're not alone.  I'm glad that it made you feel a little bit better to write it all out.

Never give up :heart:



*me*


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OfflineSkikid16
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Registered: 06/27/02
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Last seen: 12 years, 8 months
Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Land_Crab]
    #3154070 - 09/19/04 11:08 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Its hard to help without knowing the root of the problem, but I respect your wish not do disclose that.

Has your psychiatrist suggested any way of coping? Does it help?


--------------------
Re-Defeat Bush in '04


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InvisibleFucknuckle
Dog Lover

Registered: 04/24/04
Posts: 6,762
Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Land_Crab]
    #3155960 - 09/20/04 03:40 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Dude this may sound extreme but I would suggest this

Go find a woman who takes cash for sex. Spend sometime with her.
You need to get your rocks off in  the way God intended you to. Not some freak thing you have to hide from everyone. Go fuck the hell out of some girl. You need to break from this cycle at all costs.

Mabey your shrink would say NO WAY

But my experience with them is they arn't any better then 95 % of us at handling life.

You need some ass ...........ASAP



Oh yes, Bonus for taking my suggestion. Is the fact, that most cash for sex woman would just get a kick out of hearing your little problem. She will just laugh it up with you. You can release all your troubles on her. She wont say a word. She has heard much much worse. You can be free from the guilt. And begine to advance twords normal feelings :thumbup:


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OfflineSkikid16
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Registered: 06/27/02
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Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Fucknuckle]
    #3156111 - 09/20/04 04:11 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Oh holy shit, you have got to be one of the coolest members on these boards, recommending prostitution......ahahahahahaha, that's fucking rich.

While I see your point, unless dude is able to take the mental load of paying for sex, it may just add to his problems.

But if he can, I agree with you.


--------------------
Re-Defeat Bush in '04


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Offlinethelion
newbie
Registered: 09/05/04
Posts: 63
Last seen: 10 years, 9 months
Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Land_Crab]
    #3156510 - 09/20/04 05:24 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

I too suffer from some of the things you descibe emotionally.

However I am not so sure getting a hooker callgirl is the solution...not only does that cost $200 a bucket you may become addicted to that.

You may be better off to straighten yourself out by dicseplining yourself to not act on what you are doing. Try think of something else and just do it dont squable.


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InvisibleLand_Crab
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Registered: 08/29/04
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Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Skikid16]
    #3157557 - 09/20/04 09:56 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Skikid - He's helping me to try and understand why this behavior happens; he's suggested some stuff that really makes sense from a psychodynamic (Freudian) perspective. But there's only so much he can do. I need to figure out some coping strategies, or at least keep mulling this whole thing over in my head until it feels manageable.

Thanks for responding,
- J.


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InvisibleLand_Crab
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Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Fucknuckle]
    #3157627 - 09/20/04 10:10 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Fucknuckle - Hmmmm... a whooore, ay? Well, it's a thought. I'd have to travel to Nevada, though. I'm not sure if that would help me in particular. Right now, I need to work on TALKING to females first; I'll worry about the sex later - it's not top priority for me. I'm definitely stunted in that area. I generally feel really uncomfortable around women, particularly those I don't know.

Have you ever seen a classic Woody Allen film? Well, that's me, in a general sort of way, except I take drugs. However, you touched on something important - which is experiences. I know the more experiences I have, the better things will be for me (within reason) - instead of just hiding inside all day. So I need to start out smaller. Like, my friend invited me to a barbecue where gals will be present. I was thinking about it, and I'm not sure (I don't think anyone's going to be taking drugs there; just boozin' it up), but my instinct tells me I should probably go. What's the worst that could happen? Zombies could eat my brains.

Thanks brasky


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InvisibleLand_Crab
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Re: Bad time #683 [Re: thelion]
    #3157692 - 09/20/04 10:26 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Well, the lion, I just spent about 30 minutes responding to your message, and then IE decided it had enough and crashed, so I lost it.  It was good, though.  Oh well.  :smirk:


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Offlinethelion
newbie
Registered: 09/05/04
Posts: 63
Last seen: 10 years, 9 months
Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Land_Crab]
    #3158130 - 09/20/04 11:54 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Land Crab,

I think we have more in common then you think. I too suffer from alot of what you are talking about. Like not wanting to go outside. Fortunatly, things have gotten much better but I still have many days were it just seems too much to go do anything or be "normal".

Today I could hardly get out of the house. It took me all day just to leave the house. But when I did I felt that much better. In fact I felt great afterward.


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InvisibleFucknuckle
Dog Lover

Registered: 04/24/04
Posts: 6,762
Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Land_Crab]
    #3159604 - 09/21/04 02:08 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

I don't know how old you are but let me throw this at you.

Humans have only one task to do while alive. Make more humans. Thats it nothing more. Every fiber in your being is geared for that single purpose.

When you hold yourself back from raw sex. You are doing great damage to your inner man. I am no doctor but hear what I am saying. Your problems are from child experiences and such. As we learn everything in childhood both good and bad.

Example:
If you were to put yourself in a wheelchair at say the age of 10, even though you can walk. And stayed that way until you were say 20. What do you think would happen when you decided to start walking??? Yep your leags would be so fucked you would just fall on your face. Yes you would walk but only after alot of work.


Samething is happening with you. You for one reason or another have made the choice to not fuck. Fine. But don't expect to find some perfect realitionship to lose your virginity. It wont work. You will be just like the the guy who made the choice not to walk.


See.... it is more important to the basic human to have sex than the need for emotional support. People can say all they want about " Love is the most imporatnt thing Blah Blah etc... "

True a person does need emotional love and support. But your problems are sexual in nature. Not emotional.

I don't now the entire complexity of your situation. You need some ass. Pronto. Don't try and find some girl to have as a girlfriend. Quite frankly the types of woman who would be attracted to a virgin. Has no real concept of a healty realtionship. From my obseverations in the single world.


Hey you don't need to goto Neveda. You can find whores anywhere. Just find one give her some cash and share your freak with her. You don't really have to have sex with her. But you will need to be able to talk about it with woman. You will never be able to have a real realtionship with any girl if you can't share your inner freak.


Goodluck


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InvisibleLand_Crab
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Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Fucknuckle]
    #3165614 - 09/22/04 06:05 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

I'm 22.  As I've mentioned, my libido has probably been reduced from the meds, so I don't view having sex as a top priority.  My biological clock isn't ticking.  I know you're just making a recommendation based on the information I gave, and your personal experiences, and I appreciate that.  I need to get comfortable being around the gals first - real gals. 

The sexual component of this problem is a significant piece of the puzzle, but it's not all about sex - it's way more complicated.  I'm such a "feeling type" that I often don't know how to reign in my thoughts.  Think think think think think think think.

Anyways, thanks very much for responding.  I'm doing better today.  :smile:


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InvisibleFucknuckle
Dog Lover

Registered: 04/24/04
Posts: 6,762
Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Land_Crab]
    #3165944 - 09/22/04 07:19 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Cool dude I only gave you what I could

Good luck


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Offlineagr8fulchick
Feed Your Head!

Registered: 08/19/04
Posts: 707
Loc: Stranded in Iowa
Last seen: 5 years, 11 months
Re: Bad time #683 [Re: Land_Crab]
    #3169670 - 09/23/04 01:25 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

:hug:


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