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Offlinerdnp2035
Stranger

Registered: 03/08/04
Posts: 408
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
relationship craziness
    #3138217 - 09/15/04 12:22 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Let me try to explain something that is bothering me a lot.
A year ago I had a best friend. We were in a band together..although it was semi-innactive, we were still music buddies and began to play together by ourselves. We were the pot smoking duo. And we discovered psychedelics together..lucky enough to dose..I don't know, about once a month on average from last spring to early fall, when things started to change. The change occured when we first played music together on mushrooms.
We had a rather transpersonal, mystical experience that night of the most serious nature. An intensity that made our previous heavy hitting event (as newbies) of 5 hits of good acid each look like..not much at all. We bonded on a level that I wasn't aware was possible. I never imagined I could feel someone's soul so dirrectly.
So...We feel that we've unlocked the key to reality. We repeat this event, with more reasonable doses, a few times over the next couple of months. It wasn't long before things started to get weird. It felt like we were getting too close, that this was bringing us together to a point that was confusing, at least once we stopped playing music. I started to put up walls between us, to lessen the intensity, the emotional bond.
Long story short, he tried to kiss me one night after we jammed on acid. I freaked out. A thousand more walls.
Not too long after that I realize that maybe I made a bad call with the freakout..in fact, I think I'm in love with mike. Wait..No. No no no, no. I'm not gay, I must be loosing my mind. Freak out again, a million more walls.
I basicly got so weird around him that our friendship began to fall apart. To make sure things are clear about my straightness, I got a girlfriend and spent 24/7 with her. Eventually..mike and I stopped playing music together altogether, generally stopped talking. Then he moved home about a month and a half ago as our lease ran out and we were looking for another place. This came as a shock to me...he always gave me little hints that he was just waiting for me to get it together about us, and although I pushed those signs off as invasive..I thought that he would always be there.
I thought this would be the end of it, that things would seem more clear with the space and a larger plan would emerge. Well, things did become more clear. The whole issue began to eat me with a new found intensity. I couldn't even pretend to be satisfied with my girlfriend any more. I realized that I am in love with my friend mike. Beyond that I had to accept that this is probably not a freak occurance, that I long ago submitted myself to the path of a gay psychedelic rocker/musician..a well traveled road to..
So, that was pretty heavy. Heavy enough that..it's been bothering me for a long time, that I was in denial about a lot of it for a long time. Now I have to make things right and talk to my friend. And I'm finding it hard. So give me a little encouragement to be honest and up front, please. It feels good to vent.


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Invisiblevivid
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Registered: 12/15/99
Posts: 1,888
Loc: Berkeley, California
Re: relationship craziness [Re: rdnp2035]
    #3138869 - 09/15/04 03:33 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Thats really something out of my league, but I'll try to give you my 2 cents. If its bothering you enough that you think you are hiding part of who you are, then it probably is the best for you to gather the courage and speak your mind. Dont expect there to be feelings of reciprocation though, in fact your friend might be pretty freaked out by your confession. Of course, he might already have a clue that is the case.
Be true to yourself and the good things in life will eventually follow.


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Offlinerecalcitrant
My Own God

Registered: 04/20/02
Posts: 2,927
Loc: Canada West
Last seen: 6 months, 26 days
Re: relationship craziness [Re: rdnp2035]
    #3138959 - 09/15/04 03:55 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

I know exactly how you feel. But I will never say that out loud.

Sorry, but don't make me go gay. Do what you want, but leave me out of it.


--------------------

We have to answer our own prayers


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InvisibleMOTH
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Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,359
Loc: In the jungle
Re: relationship craziness [Re: rdnp2035]
    #3139092 - 09/15/04 04:27 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

This may sound odd, but I admire you for your courage in this matter.  I wish you the best. :heart:


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OfflinePhishgrrl
Walking in thetall trees...
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Registered: 05/03/04
Posts: 5,079
Last seen: 11 years, 5 months
Re: relationship craziness [Re: rdnp2035]
    #3139182 - 09/15/04 04:45 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

I think it is awesome that you are able to come to us and tell us the truth. Psychedelics push away all the crap and fake identities of everything we deal with on a daily basis. I so respect and admire you for seeing through that, and for having the strength to tell the truth about what has happened to you. You are a beautiful person and deserve to be with the one that your soul is asking for. Much love and luck to you!


--------------------
Once in awhile you can get shown the light

In the strangest of places if you look at it right...



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OfflineSkikid16
fungus fan

Registered: 06/27/02
Posts: 5,666
Loc: In the middle of the nort...
Last seen: 11 years, 7 months
Re: relationship craziness [Re: rdnp2035]
    #3141790 - 09/16/04 01:49 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

here's the thing, it sounds like your entire "closeness", and subsequent gay feelings were based on a single psychadellic experience.

I know that shrooms can be an amazingly strong experience, I don't think it would turn you gay, not that there's anything wrong with it.

Had you ever had homosexual feelings before this magical trip? During your "close encounter with the gay kind" what did you feel in your heart, did you want to kiss him? It sounds like you intially didn't want it at all, but then gradually came to "realize" that you maybe, kinda, sorta wanted it.

Now I'm not suggesting you supress any true feelings you have, and its perfectly ok for you to question your sexuality, but don't get your panties in a knot about it.

If you want to try things out with mike, then go for it, but don't be in anguish, just quite yourself, listen to your heart, and follow it, it is your heart that is your true guiding force, not mushrooms.

Good luck, pillow biter, hehehehe, I'm totally kidding, I just had to throw some joking around in there, honestly man, just go with what your heart tells you.


--------------------
Re-Defeat Bush in '04


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Offlinewoleb
below
Registered: 09/10/03
Posts: 135
Loc: South Australia
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
Re: relationship craziness [Re: rdnp2035]
    #3142366 - 09/16/04 04:02 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

I know where you're coming from. I've never had anything like that before but I CAN relate..

Lots of gay people I know, myself included, kept finding themselves thinking things like what you said you thought about your friend accidentally... That is you'll think something like "I think I love my friend", or "That guy is pretty good looking", not realise you're doing it, then be all "No! I'm not gay!". It can be REALLY fucking tough, depending on how people treat queers in your area.

Anyway, talk it out with your friend. Chances are he feels worse than you do, having actually initiated it all, with the kiss attempt. There's a pretty good chance he got some indicators from you that you were interested, even if you weren't conscious of it.

I wouldn't take psychedelics with him again until you've gotten it ALL straightened out. Probably goes without saying, but yeah.

Good luck. I'm not saying you're defintely gay or anything, but the toughest bit about the whole deal is admitting it to yourself. Once you've done that it's all downhill (in a "this is easy" way, as opposed to "it all gets worse from here" way :P). I think gay people are cooler anyway.

Feel free to IM me if you have any questions.I have some.. experience in this field :p


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InvisibleSenor_Doobie
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Registered: 08/12/99
Posts: 21,330
Loc: Wexico
Re: relationship craziness [Re: rdnp2035]
    #3142851 - 09/16/04 11:05 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Good luck man, as long as you follow your heart at least you'll keep true to yourself


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OfflineRuNE
bomberman

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Registered: 09/24/00
Posts: 2,331
Loc: tartarus
Last seen: 9 months, 16 days
Re: relationship craziness [Re: rdnp2035]
    #3144990 - 09/16/04 08:37 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)


I think you might've grown apart because he felt awkward around you after he initiated it and you freaked.  Sounds like he's sort of embarassed.  Invite him for a trip for 'old times' sake and confess.  Both of you might be relieved to find out what he has to say.


Good luck, and tell us what happens!

:sun:


--------------------
~Happy sailing~


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OfflineBigNerd
Sociable loner
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Registered: 10/31/03
Posts: 4,228
Loc: local elementary school
Last seen: 4 years, 3 months
Re: relationship craziness [Re: rdnp2035]
    #3145768 - 09/16/04 11:27 PM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

rdnp2035 said:
It feels good to vent.




Odds are, it'll feel even better to tell Mike all this. You know he cares about you, just be honest and take what he can give you. It may not be what you want, for now, but it's the beginning. Good luck, I hope you are able to find what you're looking for.

BigNerd


--------------------
Sometimes karma needs a little help.


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OfflineDigs
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Male

Registered: 07/06/03
Posts: 1,291
Loc: aca
Last seen: 6 years, 9 months
Re: relationship craziness [Re: rdnp2035]
    #3146838 - 09/17/04 03:38 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Let me preface this with, sorry I'm stoned and writing this on the fly~

Personally I think your attraction comes to the deep connection of love you felt through various psychedelic journies. I don't think that there is a gay or straight per say, but weather we feel masculine or feminine energy complements us better (generally). I don't think you need this person, but if you feel you want to have a relationship with him, go for it~


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Offlinethelion
newbie
Registered: 09/05/04
Posts: 63
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: relationship craziness [Re: Digs]
    #3147169 - 09/17/04 07:16 AM (12 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Digs said:
Let me preface this with, sorry I'm stoned and writing this on the fly~

Personally I think your attraction comes to the deep connection of love you felt through various psychedelic journies. I don't think that there is a gay or straight per say, but weather we feel masculine or feminine energy complements us better (generally). I don't think you need this person, but if you feel you want to have a relationship with him, go for it~





I agree with Digs.


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