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well, basically, since last sept. that's been my story - a life without a single damned responsibility to look after, just doing whatever self-serving thing i've felt like. i've learned a lot, but obviously nothing about the real world. i lived in seattle w/ a wealthy computer engineer who took care of all my needs - he's been a great friend, an incredibly hot sexual partner, and an extremely well cultured and intellectual man ---- unfortunately, not looking for a monogamous relationship. on the bright side i went out for fine dining every day of the week and learned a lot about food. i did the whole tourist trip of some of my favorite cities - seattle, obviously, portland, vancouver, and san francisco. i've also seen so much breath taking natural beauty. i've taken a great new appreciation of geology, geography, history, and culture. and probably the best thing has been all the great friendships i've established in all these cities, each of them has really become a home to me. on the down side i've truly became fucking spoiled - i've gotten used to going out to great concerts several times a week, drinking heavily, bringing home exactly who i've wanted from the bars, have been enabled to spend outrageous amounts of money (over a hundred a week) on hard drugs (stimulants), and in material terms have been handed out about everything i've wanted. well, it's been a hell of a ride, but spiritually, i've known i've been way off. to get myself in a better space enrolled in a computer science program in the engineering department at a university back in the midwest, in hopes to some day be able to support myself the way i want. i'm no longer taking handouts for drugs or alcohol, which means i've given up everything down to fucking cigarettes since i can't even afford them. it sucked a lot, but i'm very bull headed when i make a decision and have a very high tolerance for pain - going without cigarettes or methamphetamine was extremely painful, but only for a couple of weeks, i think in part some of the resiliance to them was having dealt with serious chronic pain earlier in my life. despite the fact that i've drank like a fish, i haven't experienced any pain from breaking that habbit, it seems my attachments are far greater to sex and uppers. i'm still not totally independent at all, i'm still not paying rent for a great place and shall be put through schooling again, but it is my intention to gradually start assuming these responsibilities. finally, i've gotten involved monogamously with somebody i've seen for over a year and a half - for nearly 2 months now. honestly, in some ways it's been extremely rewarding, but it is still challenging to keep a relationship very interesting ---- being on the hunt has been a big fuel for my fire, so to speak. well, i just wanted to share a map with you seekers of freedom from the places i've been, things to watch out for, easy traps to fall for. it's 5:30 in the morning and for once without drugs i'm actually awake. through a little yoga and a jog later hopefully my spirits will be uplifted. it's a good day to be alive. peace and hugz CJ
-------------------- Everything is better than it was the last time. I'm good.
If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.
It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence.
I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too. If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.
hi cj nice of you to report in. i think its good to get out and live for while instead of navel-gazing all the time. now u can sit back and reflect upon your experiences or something. ive seen too many friends fuk up on meth - take care.