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Offlineieatgravel
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Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) * 1
    #28670794 - 02/22/24 03:54 AM (4 months, 3 days ago)

We've been together for over 6 months now, and i knew pretty early on that she's pro-polyamory. We've discussed it before and have very good communication, but so far we've agreed on keeping things monogamous. It just seems too complicated and i guess i fear jealousy and such.

Recently, she brought the topic up once again, and the conversation boiled down to her wanting to know the limits of our relationship and how i would justify monogamy. And the thing is, i couldn't really explain it to her. I could just explain why i FEEL i prefer monogamy, not why it would be the logically right choice. And i like to think that i'm a very logical person, so that started to bother me ..

She's also not implying that she would go out of her way to find new connections, but rather she feels confused about the boundaries of our relationship when she meets a person and feels some attraction towards them (one instance, which actually brought this conversation up, she met some guy who wanted something more and therefore she rejected him, but the whole time before that she was apparently confused if she was breaking our boundaries because he wasn't clear with what he wanted.)

She's been in a situation before where she had to let go of two people because she couldn't choose just one person. To me she is the kindest person i've ever met, so i don't see any possibility of manipulation here if anybody thinks that's the case.

Well, enough about her for now. What about me? Why can't i accept polyamory then?
The thing is, i don't know.. or i guess i do? I'm definitely considering it, as i am writing this post right now. I'm having a hard time accepting the idea of the relationship not being exclusive, but i can't justify it with the logic that i work with. And that's something that i just can't keep pushing off for later i guess.

So the options are, i'm either just jealous and afraid of losing her, or there's something i'm missing. And i'm strongly leaning towards the former. But all i see happening if i stop her from doing what feels "right" (aka following her heart, feelings? Maybe more to it than that.), is growing resentment and therefore losing her regardless.

So now i'm asking for outside opinions before making my decisions. What do you guys think? :confused:

Tldr; gf wants polyamory and i agree on why, but it doesn't feel right. What do?

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OfflineSocrateshroom
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: ieatgravel] * 5
    #28670841 - 02/22/24 05:13 AM (4 months, 2 days ago)

The truth is, neither of you are wrong BUT you may be mismatched.

If she truly prefers polyamory and you monogamy, it will not work out in the long run (and that is OK. not everyone is compatible).

Furthermore, it sounds like if she does see and become sexually involved with other people, it might build resentment within you, since it seems this is not what you desire, and that resentment will deteriorate the relationship.

I know you knew this at the beginning of the relationship, but it would seem you were always not comfortable with it, you just didn't discover the extent of the discomfort until it became a real possibility. And that is OK. We don't always know exactly what we want at the start of a relationship. As we evolve with our partner, so do we discover the extent of our wants, needs and boundaries.

As a monogamous person myself, I would not be comfortable with this. But you should not and cannot force her into monogamy. If you are uncomfortable with polyamory, or feel like it can indeed breed resentment by pretending you'll be okay with her being emotionally/sexually active with other men, you need to establish that boundary. And that might be the end of the relationship.

But it's better to find someone who is on the same page as you on monogamy rather than suffer and build resentment, until the relationship implodes, just to be with someone who isn't.

I know it's probably not the answer you wanted because we'd all love an answer in such a situation that alleviates our suffering and lets us stay with the person but incompatibility in such a big aspect of a relationship never ends well.

Tldr; You are either truly comfortable with polyamory or you aren't. If you aren't, establish your boundary and if she disagrees, find someone else on the same page as you or you'll breed endless resentment.


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OfflineGiermmo
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Socrateshroom] * 1
    #28670857 - 02/22/24 05:26 AM (4 months, 2 days ago)

Yeah it seems that you would be suffering, i would on your place.
The best soulution would be breakup and finding other partner sadly.


--------------------
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OnlineRoflspammer
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Giermmo] * 1
    #28670863 - 02/22/24 05:32 AM (4 months, 2 days ago)

If you are willing to experiment, give it a shot. You'd know pretty quickly in that circumstance whether or not this setup is right for you. Or you could skip that experiment and look for someone more compatible. No right or wrong answer here, just what's right for you.

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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: ieatgravel]
    #28671201 - 02/22/24 10:32 AM (4 months, 2 days ago)

Yeah sounds like you are afraid to lose her to another guy. I know the feeling very well.

Saldy, theres no easy solution. You would either have to try it out or breakup. If she wants multiple partners to be with, and you want monogamy, then either of you will be unhappy. :shrug:


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Offlineieatgravel
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 3
    #28672466 - 02/23/24 08:56 AM (4 months, 1 day ago)

Thanks everyone, already writing that post helped clear my head alot, and i appreciate all the replies. It's tough to face these feelings so directly, but also weirdly rewarding as i go through them, which helps. It's something i've needed to learn a long time ago. We'll see how things end up, but i'm trying my darndest to make the right decisions.

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Offlineieatgravel
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Roflspammer]
    #28672473 - 02/23/24 09:02 AM (4 months, 1 day ago)

In addition to jealousy and insecurity, which i can see myself working through, i still have one clear problem with polygamy that keeps bugging me:
since communication is so important, how can i do it with a person i assumedly wouldn't even know(atleast on a deeper level)? I have quite a hard time opening up to people and feeling vulnerable, which i believe to be necessary for communication, so how could i manage that with a stranger?

It's not a dealbreaker problem for me right now, but it is what worries me most.

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OfflineAldous
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: ieatgravel] * 1
    #28672561 - 02/23/24 10:04 AM (4 months, 1 day ago)

It's normal that your logic falls short, since we're dealing with feelings here, which tend to stand in the way of logic most of the time. One thing I learned regarding feelings in this kind of situation, is that you need to separate jealousy from insecurity and fear of loss. I guess for many people, these feel like the same, but they aren't. You could have a situation where your girlfriend has another partner, and you know damn well you're not gonna lose her, but your personal insecurity makes you feel inadequate, you fear she's going to find something in him that she doesn't find in you, and this makes you jealous. The thing is, that's the whole point of polyamory, to find various things in various people, based on the idea that no one person is going to have it all. The implicit premise in monogamy is that you have to be everything to your partner, which makes for a lot of pressure and possible frustration. On the other hand, polyamory requires a high level of personal security and willingness to communicate about difficult feelings, in a word, vulnerability, which you mentioned.

Jeasousy, and certainly fear of losing your partner, are valid feelings that may come up in these situations. You can choose to avoid dealing with these, in which case it's better to remain monogamous. This won't make these feelings disappear, but you expose yourself to the possibility to a lesser extent. If you are lucky enough to have a partner you can explore and discuss these feelings with, polyamory may be a very interesting avenue of personal and shared growth, but I'm quite certain it takes a basic mindset where you know you can face these difficult situations because you don't need love from another person to feel like a valid human being. A decent level of self-love is a basic requirement for a polyamorous relationship IMO.

It took me many years and three long (mostly monogamous) relationships, and also a lot of self-work, to finally free myself from the idea that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy. Now that I'm happily single, partners seem to rain dowh on me, and I'm not talking about short-lived sexual parners, but dear friends who I engage in meaningful relationships with, which do or don't include sex, and I've never felt more fulfilled. But if you're not there, take some more time to work on that, because it may be too early for polyamory.

I'd like to slip in the concept of compersion, which is the opposite of jealousy, and an important feature of polyamory. It's the capacity to feel joy for your partner when they experience happy relationships outside of you, most probably finding things you wouldn't be able to provide them with. Recently, I had an encounter with a younger guy who apparently had crushed on me. Everything went fine, and when I told the story to my main (female) partner, this made her day, she was so happy for me, and I loved her so much for it. But this requires a whole lot of basic security in oneself that doesn't come overnight.

And since nothing is eternal, fear of losing a partner will happen, it always does, even in monogamy. Except within a polyamorous framework, I think the basic conditions to address this together as grown-ups are structurally more present than in a condition where you have to fulfill all the needs of your partner and the end of the relationship almost feels like death.

I'm not sure I understand your latest post, to which I would answer (if I interpret it correctly) that you don't necessarily have to communicate with your partner's other partners, you don't even have to know them necessarily. Communication with your direct partner(s) is more than enough.

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OnlineRoflspammer
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Aldous]
    #28672752 - 02/23/24 12:03 PM (4 months, 1 day ago)

Quote:

Aldous said:
It's normal that your logic falls short, since we're dealing with feelings here, which tend to stand in the way of logic most of the time. One thing I learned regarding feelings in this kind of situation, is that you need to separate jealousy from insecurity and fear of loss. I guess for many people, these feel like the same, but they aren't. You could have a situation where your girlfriend has another partner, and you know damn well you're not gonna lose her, but your personal insecurity makes you feel inadequate, you fear she's going to find something in him that she doesn't find in you, and this makes you jealous. The thing is, that's the whole point of polyamory, to find various things in various people, based on the idea that no one person is going to have it all. The implicit premise in monogamy is that you have to be everything to your partner, which makes for a lot of pressure and possible frustration. On the other hand, polyamory requires a high level of personal security and willingness to communicate about difficult feelings, in a word, vulnerability, which you mentioned.

Jeasousy, and certainly fear of losing your partner, are valid feelings that may come up in these situations. You can choose to avoid dealing with these, in which case it's better to remain monogamous. This won't make these feelings disappear, but you expose yourself to the possibility to a lesser extent. If you are lucky enough to have a partner you can explore and discuss these feelings with, polyamory may be a very interesting avenue of personal and shared growth, but I'm quite certain it takes a basic mindset where you know you can face these difficult situations because you don't need love from another person to feel like a valid human being. A decent level of self-love is a basic requirement for a polyamorous relationship IMO.

It took me many years and three long (mostly monogamous) relationships, and also a lot of self-work, to finally free myself from the idea that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy. Now that I'm happily single, partners seem to rain dowh on me, and I'm not talking about short-lived sexual parners, but dear friends who I engage in meaningful relationships with, which do or don't include sex, and I've never felt more fulfilled. But if you're not there, take some more time to work on that, because it may be too early for polyamory.


And since nothing is eternal, fear of losing a partner will happen, it always does, even in monogamy. Except within a polyamorous framework, I think the basic conditions to address this together as grown-ups are structurally more present than in a condition where you have to fulfill all the needs of your partner and the end of the relationship almost feels like death.





I just want to highlight that you are on a pole of the spectrum, and are representing polyamory as a more mature approach to relationships by my reading. This is not true. Polyamory defends against similar insecurities, that is: fear of boredom, fear of not being able to have your cake and eat it to, fear of deep intimacy, fear of loss, fear of being known, fear of being "not enough" for one person, fear of "loss of pleasure" (essentially polyamory puts a higher price on hedonistic drives), fear of exercising restraint on one's own wishes (being oppressed by "the other"), fear of lacking a reason to be friends/fear of isolation (lust/romantic feelings make having a large friend group come much more quickly, at the cost of that being the basis of relationships), fear of saying "goodbye"/death, fear of purposelessness (it's much easier to have a reason to live when you have a bunch of people who expect different things from you, vs monogamy where you better have some hobbies), etc. There is no one size fits all -- there is no more "mature" style of relationship -- and monogamy has as many strengths as it has weaknesses. Same with polyamory.

Monogamy has one BIG strength though that, on average, polyamory lacks: raising a child that integrates well with societal norms, which makes a big difference in adult outcomes. Statistically, monogamy is good at that. Whether that is something you can overcome or value yourself, is up to you.

Edited by Roflspammer (02/23/24 12:16 PM)

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OfflineAldous
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Roflspammer] * 3
    #28672980 - 02/23/24 04:06 PM (4 months, 1 day ago)

I agree with some of the things you wrote, among which:
Quote:

Roflspammer said:
There is no one size fits all -- there is no more "mature" style of relationship -- and monogamy has as many strengths as it has weaknesses. Same with polyamory."




And it's probably also due to the strenghts of monogamy that I remained monogamous for so long and raised children meanwhile. Monogamy also taught me to work with what there is, made me go to couples' therapy and then personal therapy, all well worth it. But I definitely had a lot of emotional dependency, and monogamy caters to that as well. All in all, I'm glad I get to try both and keep the best of both worlds.

I disagree though on the idea that polyamory is driven by all of these fears, that's very one-sided. I crave deep intimacy rather than fear it, for instance, and I'm very happy that I get to have it with several people instead of just one.

Edited by Aldous (02/23/24 04:07 PM)

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OnlineRoflspammer
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Aldous] * 2
    #28675420 - 02/25/24 12:02 PM (3 months, 30 days ago)

Quote:

Aldous said:
I agree with some of the things you wrote, among which:
Quote:

Roflspammer said:
There is no one size fits all -- there is no more "mature" style of relationship -- and monogamy has as many strengths as it has weaknesses. Same with polyamory."




And it's probably also due to the strenghts of monogamy that I remained monogamous for so long and raised children meanwhile. Monogamy also taught me to work with what there is, made me go to couples' therapy and then personal therapy, all well worth it. But I definitely had a lot of emotional dependency, and monogamy caters to that as well. All in all, I'm glad I get to try both and keep the best of both worlds.

I disagree though on the idea that polyamory is driven by all of these fears, that's very one-sided. I crave deep intimacy rather than fear it, for instance, and I'm very happy that I get to have it with several people instead of just one.




:thumbup:

I don't think it's driven by all of the fears either, more I'm pointing out some of the way that polyamory defends against those fears. Monogamy is good at defending against many fears as well. Nothing right or wrong wither way. I spelt this out for OPs sake, as I do believe on some level people have a good idea of what they want out of a relationship. There is some level of social pressure that I could sense being channeled through your post that represents polyamory as a "right" answer that society somehow has conditioned people against. I don't think this is the case. I would hate for OP to be hurt because he tried something out he may fundamentally know is not for him.

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InvisibleSeedling
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: ieatgravel] * 3
    #28680075 - 02/28/24 05:23 PM (3 months, 27 days ago)

TBH it's better to cut your losses before it gets too serious. For now you're their primary, but that could change. Is that something you're ok with? Have friends on various spectrums of ENM (am part of this demographic), but poly is difficult because there's emotions and intimacy involved. Just being a swinger, open, ect is partly psychological but mostly about the physical. Not saying it's impossible but feel like you'd be happier with a monogamous or less involved (with others) relationship dynamic.

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InvisibleSARAtonin
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Seedling]
    #28681197 - 02/29/24 12:54 PM (3 months, 26 days ago)

Poly isn’t difficult, most people just suck at it lol.


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OfflineShiroiTora
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: ieatgravel] * 2
    #28682040 - 02/29/24 10:58 PM (3 months, 26 days ago)

Dude.. Say yes to the polyamory and get on to finding another partner asap, don't waste your time with this one, you deserve better

Edited by ShiroiTora (02/29/24 10:58 PM)

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OfflineNate em All
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: ShiroiTora] * 5
    #28682130 - 03/01/24 03:19 AM (3 months, 26 days ago)

Biggest red flag. Break up immediately she's already thinking about fucking other guys and has a couple (or more) in mind. You'll save yourself a lot of heardache trust me

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OfflineB Traven
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Nate em All] * 5
    #28682183 - 03/01/24 05:48 AM (3 months, 25 days ago)

Yeah, I'm not buying it. Sounds like she's just low-key pressuring you to accept her fucking other dudes, because you know, after six months your eyes start to wander more.

Agree to go along with it, and tell her about EVERY woman you encounter who you're even remotely attracted to. Get up the nerve to approach some of them, explain the deal and ask them out, etc. Maintain complete and total communication about it with her. I bet she'll lose her shit real quick.

Young heterosexual couples out in regular conventional society are about the worst place to try to pull off polyamory, in my opinion. The woman will almost always have a list of men she could call and bed at a moment's notice. Unless her partner is a crazy attractive and outgoing bisexual, it's just not gonna play out the same for him. The cultural and emotional blueprint for a sex triangle-or-other-geometric-shape, with her at the helm, is just too ingrained.

I'm really sick of things being distilled down to "jealousy," too. That doesn't even begin to cover the range of deep emotions that are triggered when your partner fucks someone else. Especially when you're at home not getting laid while they're out banging someone else, and most especially when you KNOW. It's not something you can logic or talk your way out of. I think the most common arrangements are either swinging- both partners are fooling around together or swapping with another couple- or "don't ask don't tell"- ground rules and trust are established, but people are spared the direct visceral knwowledge.

Edited by B Traven (03/01/24 05:50 AM)

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InvisibleNichrome
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: B Traven] * 1
    #28683327 - 03/02/24 01:07 AM (3 months, 25 days ago)

Quote:

B Traven said:
Yeah, I'm not buying it. Sounds like she's just low-key pressuring you to accept her fucking other dudes





Bingo. Not even low key.

A fling is the salt not the steak. Sounds like a salty bitch. Fucking vegetarians. Ditch the bitch and find somebody who respects you.


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OfflineNate em All
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Nichrome] * 2
    #28683333 - 03/02/24 01:21 AM (3 months, 25 days ago)

NEVER settle down for a girl who does NOT respect you. Respect is the most valuable thing in a relationship

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OfflineJewstress
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Nate em All]
    #28683442 - 03/02/24 04:54 AM (3 months, 24 days ago)

Vibes.

As a woman who empathizes with her sentiment, I will not limit myself for a mismatched partner again.

At some point the compromise has to occur.

That struggle is real, but the heart and self has one shot at true fulfillment.

You are already winning because you have her and are monogamous. She will eventually realize the joy, happiness, and the feeling of equality are just not there.

Have another discussion.

Pros and cons list for both.

And make an adult mature reasonable decision for both. Or it will eventually melt and turn to a very detrimental situation for both.


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OfflineNate em All
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Re: Gf wants polyamory? (Or the possibility of it) [Re: Jewstress] * 3
    #28683535 - 03/02/24 07:11 AM (3 months, 24 days ago)

Ye dont listen to other girls when it comes to this bs. They won't even consider or care about your feelings. You are all you have. People who havent conquered themselves or have self control will realize how much they messed up once they hit 40 and all they have is themselves because they lived a life chasing their desires without looking ahead

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