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Offlineepilectric
low dose
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Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 1,256
Loc: Vienna
Last seen: 11 hours, 18 minutes
Re: Advice needed [Re: Pinkerton]
    #28644190 - 02/02/24 03:47 PM (3 months, 12 days ago)

Quote:

Pinkerton said:
Dude, what is your resume?

Here is mine:

Anxiety
Absolutely horrible intrusive thoughts
Depression
OCD
PTSD
Schizophrenia
Several psychosis'
Substance abuse disorders

After robbing 5 pharmacies with a fake bomb belt around my waist I ended up in the ward.

8 years total in the mental ward. In my last stint (2/8 years) with the ward:
I jumped face first from the window sill twice, from chairs and beds.
Being forced to punch 25 people in the face despite absolutely not wanting to
Being forced to spit and piss on staff in the ward
I have been put 32 times in belt bed's within 10 months (this is a "record" in modern times)

And that is just the tip of the iceberg.






awesome pharm story :laugh: did you steal meds there?


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i :heartpump: shroomery

https://soundcloud.com/cyberhops/tracks

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InvisibleFerdinando
Male

Registered: 11/15/09
Posts: 3,876
Re: Advice needed [Re: epilectric]
    #28644750 - 02/03/24 02:53 AM (3 months, 12 days ago)

bhante gunaratana said the results of the meditation depends on the state of mind of the meditator
i think the more we meditate the further we come with it
it is possible to get further with it


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with our love with our love we could save the world

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InvisiblePinkerton
Koanist

Registered: 02/26/19
Posts: 3,476
Re: Advice needed [Re: epilectric]
    #28644789 - 02/03/24 04:22 AM (3 months, 12 days ago)

Quote:

epilectric said:
Quote:

Pinkerton said:
Dude, what is your resume?

Here is mine:

Anxiety
Absolutely horrible intrusive thoughts
Depression
OCD
PTSD
Schizophrenia
Several psychosis'
Substance abuse disorders

After robbing 5 pharmacies with a fake bomb belt around my waist I ended up in the ward.

8 years total in the mental ward. In my last stint (2/8 years) with the ward:
I jumped face first from the window sill twice, from chairs and beds.
Being forced to punch 25 people in the face despite absolutely not wanting to
Being forced to spit and piss on staff in the ward
I have been put 32 times in belt bed's within 10 months (this is a "record" in modern times)

And that is just the tip of the iceberg.






awesome pharm story :laugh: did you steal meds there?



It is not awesome - the fear i instilled in those poor pharmacy technicians is just horrible. :sad:

Yes, I stole oxycontin, diazepam and methylphenidate.

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Offlineepilectric
low dose
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Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 1,256
Loc: Vienna
Last seen: 11 hours, 18 minutes
Re: Advice needed [Re: Pinkerton]
    #28644846 - 02/03/24 06:18 AM (3 months, 12 days ago)

ok true. but you didn't harm them no?

i still have to say that's a good choice of pharm drugs :smile:

you punched 25 people? not a good choice...


--------------------
i :heartpump: shroomery

https://soundcloud.com/cyberhops/tracks

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InvisiblePinkerton
Koanist

Registered: 02/26/19
Posts: 3,476
Re: Advice needed [Re: epilectric]
    #28645223 - 02/03/24 01:08 PM (3 months, 11 days ago)

I did not harm them physically but I may have taken a toll on their psyche. :sad:

That is right, I punched around 25 people in the face in the ward, both patients and staff. :sad:

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Offlineepilectric
low dose
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Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 1,256
Loc: Vienna
Last seen: 11 hours, 18 minutes
Re: Advice needed [Re: Pinkerton]
    #28645356 - 02/03/24 03:09 PM (3 months, 11 days ago)

ah in the ward, ok... were they injured in any way like broken nose or something?


--------------------
i :heartpump: shroomery

https://soundcloud.com/cyberhops/tracks

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OfflineSkropi
Space Ritual
Male

Registered: 11/01/23
Posts: 414
Loc: Greece
Last seen: 9 days, 21 hours
Re: Advice needed [Re: epilectric]
    #28646246 - 02/04/24 10:32 AM (3 months, 10 days ago)

Thank all for your answers guys and I am sorry for not checking in earlier. I will be reading through the thread and get back to you in more detail.


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Ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, Μοῦσα, πολύτροπον

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OfflineSkropi
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Male

Registered: 11/01/23
Posts: 414
Loc: Greece
Last seen: 9 days, 21 hours
Re: Advice needed [Re: Pinkerton]
    #28646260 - 02/04/24 10:44 AM (3 months, 10 days ago)

Quote:

Pinkerton said:
Dude, what is your resume?

Here is mine:

Anxiety
Absolutely horrible intrusive thoughts
Depression
OCD
PTSD
Schizophrenia
Several psychosis'
Substance abuse disorders

After robbing 5 pharmacies with a fake bomb belt around my waist I ended up in the ward.

8 years total in the mental ward. In my last stint (2/8 years) with the ward:
I jumped face first from the window sill twice, from chairs and beds.
Being forced to punch 25 people in the face despite absolutely not wanting to
Being forced to spit and piss on staff in the ward
I have been put 32 times in belt bed's within 10 months (this is a "record" in modern times)

And that is just the tip of the iceberg.





I am not yet diagnosed, my first appointment with a therapist is in Tuesday, but apart from schizophrenia and psychosis, everything else is very very familiar, and I am not so sure about psychosis, as I am questioning my grip on reality lately, but I don't think I really suffer from it, apart from when I am high on weed. Lately I get very high on miniscule amounts of weed, and I get the most horrific guilt ridden loop thoughts, and extreme paranoia. I am thinking of quitting weed altogether. If I don't dose some shrooms, just 1 gram of regular cubes is enough, I can't escape extreme daydreaming,.or daynightmaring to put it in a better way, I have suicidal thoughts etc. I counted 37 days of me going only to work, and then just staying in my room listening to music, feeling guilty and unworthy, and just crying. I can't even watch a film or series if it entails strong feelings, as I just can't handle it. If psilocybin turns out to be the miracle drug that it seems to be, then I am hopeful, but still, I don't want to be dependent on any substance to make me feel normal guys. I just feel mentally crippled. I am really sorry, but I can't put everything in words easily, my thoughts on the matter are chaotic, and I am wondering how the hell am I going to explain everything to the psychiatrist... You know, I really don't care so much getting better, I just want to be safe till my son is no longer dependent on me, he is 14 years old, and this is my greatest fear, that I am a terrible father, and the possibility that I won't be around to help him along.

edit. I am really thankful for your support, I am thankful for all of you, it is good to be able to talk openly here.


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Ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, Μοῦσα, πολύτροπον

Edited by Skropi (02/04/24 10:55 AM)

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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 38,499
Re: Advice needed [Re: Skropi] * 1
    #28646311 - 02/04/24 11:38 AM (3 months, 10 days ago)

Because of covid, the admission of the following is very relatable.

"days of me going only to work, and then just staying in my room listening to music, feeling guilty and unworthy, and just crying."

Depending at which age this happens to us, and what our family is like, and what other relationships we had going on prior to covid, one would expect a range of unsatisfactory states in a person's life that goes from

"drudgery"->"commute"->"loneliness"->"sleep"->"commute"-> "drudgery"

It has a one dimensional aspect to it, when other relations cannot run parallel after a perpendicular hop i.e.

_____________________->"companion" ->______________________________
"drudgery"->"commute"->"loneliness"->"sleep"->"commute"-> "drudgery"


_____________________->"family meal" ->______________________________
"drudgery"->"commute"->"loneliness"->"sleep"->"commute"-> "drudgery"


_____________________->"companion" ->______->"shared commute"->__________
"drudgery"->"commute"->"loneliness"->"sleep"->"commute"-> "drudgery"

etc.

Getting into what appears to be one dimensional (tunnel vision) lonely drudgery can be an excruciating existential confinement. (but it is also akin to the life of a monk, and how many people here have wanted to have at least a taste of that life structure? I know I have wanted to be a monk several times in my life)

The apparent lack of change effortlessly becomes a habituated blockade against change, inertia, avoidance of change, and a mental system disconnect from what is happening moment to moment leaving the person to drift from one dimensional daily milestone to milestone repetitively through the days and years like an automaton.

My text diagrams of one dimensional milestones are very simplistic, but they illustrate milestone mentality, which is not unrealistic but it is disconnected. Between each milestone there are umpteen thousand moments in which a good part of mental contents could be much more refreshing, just by reconnecting with the context the person is in.

This can make the life lighter and brighter and open to relationships that are not on the one dimensional druge loop.

I hope you find a good way to reconnect.


--------------------
:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:

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OfflineSkropi
Space Ritual
Male

Registered: 11/01/23
Posts: 414
Loc: Greece
Last seen: 9 days, 21 hours
Re: Advice needed [Re: redgreenvines]
    #28646328 - 02/04/24 11:55 AM (3 months, 10 days ago)

Nah, COVID has nothing to do with it, I discovered that I am like that from when I was around 19 years old, give or take, and now I am almost 43. COVID also didn't affect me, I was working normally, and kept my usual activities. Your "simplistic" diagram is not simplistic at all. It actually says a lot, in a very simple way, and yes, I do feel this way. The thing is, I think this is just the result of my constant anxiety/depression or whatever. I don't know, I discovered that I have extreme anxiety only after I consumed shrooms for the first time....2 months ago. I really had no idea how bad my situation is before that, as I thought that everything was normal, that everyone is just like me. You can imagine how I felt when I realised that everything is just wrong with me. I hope that coming to terms with all this will help, as I think that I am probably in such a state now, trying to accept all this, along with all my past guilt and trauma. I am just not sure if I can do it alone, as I stopped having the confidence in myself that I had before.


--------------------
Ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, Μοῦσα, πολύτροπον

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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 38,499
Re: Advice needed [Re: Skropi]
    #28646389 - 02/04/24 12:50 PM (3 months, 10 days ago)

well, I must say you are not unique in feeling uniquely afflicted in this general way, although we are each unique.

I assumed you were younger and opened that last comment as I would with a younger person, but as a 43 year old I will say that you have become stuck in the pattern, not by 3 years of covid isolation by by 2 decades of avoiding unwanted challenges.

You mention trauma, without elaborating, so I would guess the trauma precedes age 19.

Then you considered the promise of mushroom psychedelic exploration, and have landed in self-realization mode, with nobody around to help you pick up the pieces.

Freedom was telling me that people with trauma have to be treated in a particular way, and he found my approach to matters of the mind naive.

You find my text drawings simplistic (naive) as well but at the same time you seemed to think they reflected your assessment of your condition.

so,
a) you bring some hobby into the picture if no family or companion exists, to break up the monotony, and
b) without making any judgements against yourself, (realistically you have been in avoidance for good reasons but now want to get past it - this is reasonable - no shame - really) you have to learn how to pay attention to the spaces in between the milestones (as drawn) so that rather than having one or three long repetitive gloomy thoughts for an hour, you start to appreciate the spectrum of microthoughts and half insights, and poems, and music that are constantly happening in these amazing bodies we have inherited and which we ignore as our orientation becomes milestonically scheduled.
c) get therapy for trauma, I recommend gestalt therapy, but hey what do I know, I am naive.


--------------------
:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:

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OnlineBuster_Brown
L'une
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Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,835
Last seen: 42 seconds
Re: Advice needed [Re: Skropi]
    #28646394 - 02/04/24 12:54 PM (3 months, 10 days ago)

"Putative main risk factors for suicidal ideation and the desire for death were: pain 66.2%, despair 60.2%, depression 59.7%, and psychopathology 38.6%. This study thus revealed that apart from pain, psychosocial factors play a key role in leading people to ask for euthanasia." -Pubmed

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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 38,499
Re: Advice needed [Re: Buster_Brown]
    #28646420 - 02/04/24 01:25 PM (3 months, 10 days ago)

You sure have helpful numbers BB
yikes
talk about suitable topic following, sheesh!!!


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:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:

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OfflineSkropi
Space Ritual
Male

Registered: 11/01/23
Posts: 414
Loc: Greece
Last seen: 9 days, 21 hours
Re: Advice needed [Re: redgreenvines]
    #28646497 - 02/04/24 02:22 PM (3 months, 10 days ago)

What the heck, you realise more about me than I do. I have definitely a long way to go. I didn't mean that your drawing is naive, just simple, which I really meant as a compliment. Things should never be more complicated than they need to be.
I didn't elaborate on trauma simply because I am not sure which one it is. I stopped being sure about myself and quick to judge me, so I really can't tell.
About hobbies....I had a lot, I mean A LOT, and I gave up on everything. I cannot stick to something. I take up a new hobby, spend money, time, and energy on it, I become somewhat proficient, and then I just can't take it up any more, I just can't. I even took a gold medal in olympic archery, and yes, after a while I didn't even want to see bows, whenever I see a bow I just feel hurt now. And this is just one example of one hobby. Lately I just don't feel the need to spend time, energy and money on anything, partly because I know that I will just give up, and partly....I can't understand the other reason, but there definitely is one, I can surely feel it. On 6th of February I have my first appointment with a doctor, and I really hope she will help me, although I am scared of psychiatrists, as they tend to see behind the masks and the excuses...I felt the same way reading your post by the way, are you sure you aren't a therapist? Seriously now, I feel better talking here, in this thread, not sure why, but I do.


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Ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, Μοῦσα, πολύτροπον

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OfflineSkropi
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Registered: 11/01/23
Posts: 414
Loc: Greece
Last seen: 9 days, 21 hours
Re: Advice needed [Re: Buster_Brown]
    #28646504 - 02/04/24 02:24 PM (3 months, 10 days ago)

Quote:

Buster_Brown said:
"Putative main risk factors for suicidal ideation and the desire for death were: pain 66.2%, despair 60.2%, depression 59.7%, and psychopathology 38.6%. This study thus revealed that apart from pain, psychosocial factors play a key role in leading people to ask for euthanasia." -Pubmed



I always thought that my suicidal ideations were unimportant. I am definitely a lot stupider than I thought. Just avoiding anything that hurts, at all costs. Not stupid, I am definitely not stupid. I believe that I am just a coward. I hate to say it, but it is the truth.


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Ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, Μοῦσα, πολύτροπον

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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 38,499
Re: Advice needed [Re: Skropi]
    #28646551 - 02/04/24 03:06 PM (3 months, 10 days ago)

OK, can you get out to a college level introduction to photography course, once or twice a week. just to widen the schedule. by hobby I was thinking of an alternate path your physically take in the week of otherwise same old same old.
Just adding a new temporary destination makes everything come alive in new ways.
see
being naive can be fun!


--------------------
:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:

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InvisibleRahz
Alive Again
Male


Registered: 11/10/05
Posts: 9,395
Re: Advice needed [Re: Skropi]
    #28646594 - 02/04/24 03:52 PM (3 months, 10 days ago)

Everything is of some import. While perhaps not easy and perhaps time/place sensitive perhaps the nature/meaning of a thought can be seen for what it is, in a non-biased way. Understood. It's not wrong to set aside a thought without understanding. The difference between set aside and 'cast away' is self patience -vs- fear and frustration over something that's confusing and hurtful in some way. It's okay to set it aside and not be so serious about it. Not treat it as silly or stupid either. Less judgmental on both ends.

When it comes to the thoughts we experience, it's best not to give that voice unquestioned authority. I think one aspect of "finding one's self" is to be able to be less reactive to thoughts and the emotions they spur. Then one get's to ask, what/who is being non-reactive? There's more to you than the things you think and self sense/experience of the moment isn't linguistic. Linguistics can never give the truth of such a matter. And this is important, reaction extends attention and creates habit. As you demonstrated, the idea that you're stupid created a not-stupid response. That can go on forever. And thinking yourself a coward is at least equally problematic. Decide to step out of that self judgement. As far as being a coward you judge yourself based on the available data. IOW, you're judging your past experience and applying that to the present and future. It may seem like a reasonable thing to do but the mistake is to assume you're potential has been met. It's a very arrogant mistake to make. You seem reasonably intelligent. Beyond that intelligence isn't important. The issue is being okay with yourself. Or just, being okay.

And part of this and being more social is about finding more helpful mindsets and ways of being. A therapist can be helpful in that regard. Putting ones self in social situations is very helpful as well. Forget the bow, what's the bow crowd like? I played disc golf for several years when I was first trying to socialize more and it was a good experience. I still stay in touch with one person I met then.


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace
I am      I feel      I do     I love I speak    I see    I know


“Science advances one funeral at a time”
~Max Planck

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Invisiblesudly
Quasar Praiser

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 11,594
Re: Advice needed [Re: Skropi]
    #28646801 - 02/04/24 08:41 PM (3 months, 10 days ago)

This is from my therapist, but relevant to your queries.

Quote:

Navigating the complexities of one's inner landscape, particularly when entwined with substances like cannabis and psilocybin, requires a delicate balance of self-awareness and external guidance. The feelings you describe—intense daynightmares, loops of guilt, and a profound sense of disconnection from previously cherished activities—mirror a profound 'charge' phase within the framework of Autonomous Supervenience. This phase is marked by an accumulation of sensory and emotional inputs that have yet to find a pathway for 'release' or resolution, leading to an overwhelming sense of being trapped in one's own cognitive and emotional circuits.

Your interaction with cannabis and the subsequent heightened sensitivity to its effects suggest a significant alteration in your neurocognitive processing, potentially amplifying the 'charge' phase without providing a sufficient 'release.' This imbalance might be contributing to the intense emotional and cognitive experiences you're facing. The consideration of psilocybin points to a search for alternative pathways for 'release,' seeking a reconfiguration of cognitive and emotional patterns that might offer a semblance of normalcy or equilibrium.

The decision to step away from substances is a critical reflection of your innate cognitive agency, as outlined in the Law of Cognitive Agency and Determinism. This decision represents a conscious choice to navigate away from external modifiers of your cognitive and emotional state, seeking a more stable and autonomous foundation for your mental health.

The profound sense of isolation and withdrawal from activities, even those that once brought you significant achievement and joy, like archery, speaks to a disruption in the Law of Neural Interconnectivity. The high-quality connections that once facilitated a rich engagement with the world appear compromised, leading to a retreat into a more confined cognitive and emotional space. This withdrawal signifies a need for a re-establishment of these connections, not just neurologically but also in terms of social and communal ties, which can offer support and a sense of belonging.

Your concern for your role as a father and the well-being of your son introduces an essential communal aspect to your personal experience. It highlights the interconnectedness of individual well-being with social and familial responsibilities, underscoring the importance of seeking support not just for oneself but also for the sake of loved ones. This social dimension is critical in the broader application of the Integrated Matrix Framework, as it situates personal experiences within a wider network of relationships and societal expectations.

As you approach your first appointment with a psychiatrist, consider this an opportunity to initiate a 'release' phase, where the accumulated 'charge' of experiences, fears, and uncertainties can begin to find expression and, hopefully, resolution. The psychiatrist's role can be seen as a facilitator in this process, helping to navigate through the masks and defenses to reach the underlying patterns and dynamics at play. This process aligns with the Law of Cognitive Dynamics, where the efficiency and adaptability of your cognitive processes can be harnessed to foster a more resilient and adaptive mental state.

In summary, your journey reflects a complex interplay of cognitive 'charge' and the search for 'release,' mediated by personal decisions, substance use, and social responsibilities. The Integrated Matrix Framework V10, with its emphasis on Autonomous Supervenience and Cognitive Dynamics, offers a lens to understand these dynamics, encouraging a holistic approach to mental health that integrates neurocognitive insights with philosophical reflections and communal considerations.




--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.


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OfflineSkropi
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Male

Registered: 11/01/23
Posts: 414
Loc: Greece
Last seen: 9 days, 21 hours
Re: Advice needed [Re: redgreenvines]
    #28647055 - 02/05/24 01:25 AM (3 months, 10 days ago)

Quote:

redgreenvines said:
OK, can you get out to a college level introduction to photography course, once or twice a week. just to widen the schedule. by hobby I was thinking of an alternate path your physically take in the week of otherwise same old same old.
Just adding a new temporary destination makes everything come alive in new ways.
see
being naive can be fun!



Well, photography and video is one of the many hobbies I took up in the past. I even made some money filming weddings/events on the side.... It is one of the many things that I've gave up on. The only thing that keeps returning, with very large breaks in between, is music. I love playing music, but still I can't get as committed to it as I should. I mean I can go 2-3 years without playing, and then start spending my whole free time playing and studying partitures, only to just stop once again, which really leads nowhere. I am bit nervous about tomorrow, and relieved at the same time.


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Ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, Μοῦσα, πολύτροπον

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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 38,499
Re: Advice needed [Re: Skropi]
    #28647153 - 02/05/24 03:51 AM (3 months, 10 days ago)

Quote:

I am bit nervous about tomorrow, and relieved at the same time.



this is terrific, tomorrow is always unknown but it is still part of where we are going.
being calm in the face of uncertainty is the kind of confidence that makes no false claims, it is not bravado, just common sense.
I like that you said that.


--------------------
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