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Stranger Registered: 07/10/23 Posts: 26 Last seen: 1 day, 6 hours |
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Past experience with this culture:
I recently grew my first cubes in a shoebox, a multispore grow of an unknown non PE variety. For the first few trips they were not that potent. I did a couple trips testing the waters in the 2 gram range, and one trip with friends at 3.5 grams. They had a really strong body load, made me feel very uncomfortable and queasy, and overall did not provide any of the therapeutic effects that mushrooms have given me in the past. Onto the 4.2 gram dose: I did not expect how potent this experience would be based on my initial trips. Multispore can have wide ranges of potency between different flushes and individual mushrooms, this dose was mostly smaller side fruits from a second/third flush. I also boiled the tea for longer this time, still not exactly sure what was the cause. ----- I deal with depression, and I had been stuck in a rut for a while. The general advice is to go in with a good mindset and setting, I agree with this, it is generally a very good guideline to follow. However, mushrooms have been able to lift me out of depression ruts a few times, and that is incredibly valuable to me. So I decided to give my mushrooms another try. I made a tea, added a squeeze of lemon juice, and went to my room to sip and relax. After 30-40 minutes it became apparent that the trip was starting so I turned off my lights and laid down, just letting my thoughts wander while breathing deeply and gently. I focused on relaxing my body and observing the feelings that came up. The body load and upset stomach were there and more than I would have liked, but it was tolerable. I don't remember a lot of this trip, so I will focus on the parts that I do remember and the feelings that came up. first my thoughts started to become more vivid, I wouldn't describe it as CEV yet but more like enhanced ability to visualize. I had some laughing and giggling fits, along with some tears and a slight melancholy feel about my life. It was thoughts kind of like yeah it really hurts right now, but that's ok, that's how life is at times. I do wish I remembered more about the thoughts I had during this portion of the trip. My thoughts continued to wander and started to have less anchoring in waking reality, the trip was still increasing in intensity. I remember some of the feelings from this, some general ideas of things that I saw, and only a few specific images. The first image I remember is this weird little orange alien creature, the closest thing I can think of is beaker from the muppets but still very different. It was in a dimly lit kitchen, hiding in the shadows, looking almost looking fearful. It was as if its mere existence was shameful, and it seemed to be worried that some divine authority would discover that it exists. There are a lot of mixed up emotions that I feel when I look at it, and not a lot of answers. My mind is not very analytical at this time, I have been lying down and sort of meditating, just observing what thoughts and visions come through my mind. The visions continue and I begin experiencing more entities, none of them are talking to me or aware of my presence, more like I experience flashes of moments in their lives. The one scene I remember clearly was a family of alien creatures eating dinner together. The entities ranged from normal humans to inanimate objects to alien creatures. Some of these moments I was the entity, like I experienced it from their consciousness, and other moments I watched them in the moment, but also felt some of their feelings. No existence was too small or too grand to be experienced during this time, and I felt like I was experiencing all of them. Some were doing ordinary mundane things, others did extraordinary things on a cosmic scale of significance. Some were experiencing the peak of joy in their life, others were understanding that hell is a very appropriate metaphor for the lowest moments of existence. I remember that it felt both good and horrible at the same time to experience this. I wish I remembered the feeling of experiencing all of this, but I only remember that I had the feeling. The feeling was too much, and it is one of the reasons why I believe I was not able to integrate the trip well. These series of experiences continued to speed up, one consciousness was bleeding into the next, and then I began to experience multiple at once, until everything was connected in its experience. All experience from dust, to shameful creature, to aliens having dinner, to people fighting, seemed to tie together in perfect unity. And then I stepped back farther to look at this web of conscious being and saw that god was real. I grew up in a Christian home but left the faith a year into college, I've been an atheist since. I realized evolution was true and the earth was not only six thousand years old and the truth of the bible kind of unraveled for me. After I left, I recognized that the religion had taken a lot from me. It had taken my sense of self identity, the chance of developing a healthy sexuality, my trust in humanity, and other things. Needless to say, me and the Christian god of my youth don't see eye to eye on things. But when I realized that all the consciousness in all of existence is connected in one being, from the smallest experience of an electron all the way to the greatest minds fathomable, I knew that this was god. All the pain of the world and all of the joy of the world is contained within this collective, all that is, was, and ever will be. I did not even identify this new god that I had experienced with the Christian god of my childhood. I remember grasping at the concept in my head, recalling something vaguely familiar that I used to know, but it still didn't click together. This new experience was unlike what I had known back then, and while they may go by the same conceptual name, they are not the same at all in my mind. This is not to say that Christian's don't understand who god is, I'm only talking about my experiences with god. I'm just saying the god I met in the trip was nowhere near the same being I imagined god to be growing up. Back to my experience of seeing all consciousness flow together as god, I realized that everything was ok. Every outcome that could possibly happen is the turmoil of joy and pain that echoed in god's heart. And the final outcome concludes as goodness, everything ends the way it should. Existence is won, there is no battle to lose. It was a state of mind and understanding that I could focus on and feel ecstasy and lightness of being. But I lost sight of this when I started to think about how this relates back to my life. It is complex and I forget most of the details of how this decline began to happen. I began to fall backwards through the web of experiences, I stopped feeling the connections between all of the different experiences of the different entities. I was again feeling both the joy and pain and pride and shame of different individual entities all at once, instead of the interconnected web of consciousness. As the trip faded, I would experience less and less entities at the same time, and their experiences were starting to not be connected at all. I was also experiencing less of the joyful or prideful ones, and the remaining were the sad and shameful experiences. The experiences of other entities faded as the trip continued to recede, but I was left with many of the negative feelings. I was distressed, existence felt rotten or stained or unbearable. And I am still quite high at this point even though I'm on the way down. I decided to stand up and turn on the lights, it was time to ground myself. I still had obvious OEV's, but they were not organized, colorful, or beautiful. It was distortions and twisting and fracturing of the room. I sipped water, took deep breaths and decided that deciphering whatever had just happened was probably not a good idea right now, I should just focus on calming down. I waited for a little while and the visuals calmed down to mild distortions, but the feelings were very much still there. At this point, I had a choice to make, do I distract myself or do I go deeper into the experience and try to be present and feel it? I decided to distract myself. I am still not sure what the right decision was, but I reasoned that lingering on incredibly strong negative emotions is really bad for depression, it is late and I have no person to process through emotions with, and there will be other times when it is safer for me. I pulled up Netflix and watched the latest Dave Chappelle special, it was hilarious and definitely did the trick. I was careful with my thoughts, being diligent not to analyze the events because I have ruminative tendencies, and I needed to continue calming down for sleep. I slept after a while, and the next day I had trouble remembering a lot of the trip. I set up some time with friends and focused on being present, and it lifted my mood. In the next week I was able to see my friend who I have tripped with before and told him about the experience. I started to remember more when telling it, and it made a little more sense to me. Writing this out I remember a little more as well, and I understand some of the significances of some of the images. I would like to believe some of the things about god and the universe that I experienced, but again I feel disconnected from the experience, probably due to my own choice at the end. Life is long, I will have time to learn more and understand as I continue existing. I expect to wrestle through similar questions of the nature of consciousness and existence and divine nature in future trips, but I will hold off on larger doses until I find a mushroom culture that feels welcoming. As explained before, I am not a fan of the way my cubes feel physically, and the larger dose had a very dark edge to it. I have a shoebox of natalensis that is covered in fat pins right now, and a monotub just spawned yesterday, so I will have a new culture/species to dip my toe into. The reports I have read on nats definitely seem to be closer to what I am looking for, but I won't force a deep journey if the mushroom doesn't feel welcoming. Thanks for reading my recollection of my hardest trip yet. I hope to add a comment later on trying to connect some of the things that I saw to cultural archetypes. I see some pretty clear parallels to the clear light mentioned in the psychedelic experience, various bible stories, and the identity of god as a hyper being vs the ground of being.
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Królewicz Registered: 12/06/23 Posts: 51 Last seen: 4 months, 7 days |
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Quote: No, you won't. Life is fleeting. Time has a cruel twist - the older you get, the faster it moves. Akin to the expansion of the universe. You were born at singular point and as you get older your life expands faster and faster taking time along with it. IOW, don't put off the important things and do not suffer fools gladly. EDIT: I did enjoy reading your report! It is just that one line stuck with me... -------------------- Disclaimer: None of what I post is true or about me. It is all made up. Images are not mine and you don't have the right to use them either. Edited by BuzzPion (02/03/24 07:14 AM)
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irregular verb Registered: 04/08/04 Posts: 38,988 |
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Quote: When you have the confidence that you will stay calm or reliably regain calmness regardless what you see associated in some way with the experience then dwelling on it when stoned is best. It helps if you understand that everything in mind is associative initially what happens together in the same experience is linked but other things that happen add to this when objects are similar, when the place is similar when the actors are similar, etc. Everything in mind is interlinked in this way, and while it is not volitional, we navigate because we have experience and bodily needs and all of our related associated experience arises reflexively to help us navigate. sometimes the contents of a reflexive memory response is startling, or too heavy handed, or just not polite, or in some other way unsuitable. just be aware of it and do not judge yourself, this type of thing is natural with mind, and the remedy is adding calmness, and eventually the calm presentation replaces the reflex that is unsuitable or painful or embarrassing. Sometimes it gets noisy inside our heads, that and restlessness can be calmed to a large extent if you practice. practice and routine involving calming can reshape your mind that is prone to noise and restless behavior, but it takes a wee bit of daily effort forever.
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Psilo-Scribe Registered: 11/26/09 Posts: 1,335 Loc: Altered States o Last seen: 20 hours, 12 minutes |
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Quote: I was reading William James 1902 The Varieties of Religious Experience recently. Like many psychedelic experiences, your trip report fits into his definition of a mystical experience, and many experiences described in the book sound similar to psychedelic experiences. It's worth reading (available free on Gutenberg); it was based on a series of lectures so the style of writing is not too heavy going. To illustrate what I mean, I've quoted bits of your report against his characteristics of a mystical experience: 1) ineffability "defies expression... no adequate report of its contents can be given in words" Quote: 2) noetic quality "mystical states seem to those who experience them to be also states of knowledge... They are illuminations, revelations, full of significance..." Quote: 3) transiency "mystical states cannot be sustained for long... their quality can but imperfectly be reproduced in memory" Quote: 4) passivity "grasped and held by a superior power" Quote: ![]() To these William James adds "optimism" and "monism" (oneness) as distinctive characteristics of mystical states Optimism: Quote: Monism: Quote: ![]() Quote: I've had similar experiences to yours, that sense of encountering God. I don't really "believe" in God as a literal being, but I think this type of experience is itself significant. Even if it's a purely internal human experience, it provides a positive outlook, a sense of vision and hope and a glimmer of "something more." My advice would be to take the "noetic quality" of mystical states with a pinch of salt, and not to take any metaphysical revelations too literally. Take enough, you will not only experience God but become God. Or discover that we are living in a matrix which is run by aliens... and so on. A good comment that sums this up is: I discovered the 'secret to the universe' on my first trip. Then discovered it again on my second trip. But it was different. Since the content of these experiences is variable and not altogether trustworthy, I think the nature of the experience itself is more important and what that demonstrates about consciousness. Trying to unravel the revelational content of a trip into a coherent worldview is sometimes unavoidable but can be a thankless mindfuck. It can be better to focus on the state of mind itself, such as when you say "It was a state of mind and understanding that I could focus on and feel ecstasy and lightness of being." Metaphysical certainty is always around the next corner, but you can feel inner peace without always needing to chase that sense of certainty. ![]() Quote: I find that psilocybin has a "dark edge" and slightly sinister quality at higher doses, whether that's been from cubes, pans cyans or the sclerotia I usually take. Or at least it does on the comeup - once I relax into the trip, or succumb to it, it loses the threatening edge and I feel more identified with the trip itself instead of experiencing it as something "other." I think this links into the idea of the numinous and numinous dread, the "mysterium tremendum" which is summed up nicely here - http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.e Compare that text to your description of the orange creature "in a dimly lit kitchen, hiding in the shadows, looking almost looking fearful. It was as if its mere existence was shameful, and it seemed to be worried that some divine authority would discover that it exists." Even if a trip resolves into an encounter with God, it can feel ominous and intimidating to start with, in the same way that appearances of Angels in the Bible often start with "Be not afraid." The best advice is the familiar one to "surrender" to the trip, even if it feels like you are being hunted by Lovecraftian entities from beyond. You mention archetypes at the end of your post, and I think this sinister element of a trip ultimately boils down to encountering elements of your own psyche or unconscious and perceiving them as something totally alien. Opening yourself up to the contents of the trip can transform it from something intense, overwhelming and unpleasant to a blissful mystical state. That unwelcoming feeling and dark edge to a trip turns out to be another gateway to the mystical experience, and avoiding it can be more stressful than steering into the eye of the storm and letting go. ![]() Well this is probably a bit more analytical than you would normally expect for a response to a trip report, but there you go... Have you had any experiences since this one? I'd be curious to know how they went.
-------------------- I wrote that, but I meant something else
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