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Anonymous #1

Struggling w/ Loss of Loved one. My Childrens' Mother passed away at 40 years old. Perspectives requested, please. * 1
    #28612569 - 01/07/24 04:15 AM (21 days, 8 hours ago)

Hello.  Thank you for reading.  Will try to keep it brief.... I am 38, and have been a member here since 2005, when I was 19, almost 20.... although I only have maybe a couple thousand posts. I have 4 children, 3 sons, 1 daughter. the oldest is 20, the youngest is 14, almost 15.  I share this for context. I have had sole custody & been raising them alone now for a little over 5 yrs. We have just experienced a tragic loss, and are all working on getting through it.  The children seem okay for the most part, so far. I am reaching out for some guidance or opinions, thoughts or anything you have.  For either me, or for things i could say or do for them, things not to do, or say.... things to watch for.... etc. They are and have always been my number one concern. I could make this into a novel, so I will need to leave a lot out.... but will try to explain some details, so anyone generous enough to read can understand what it is I am asking.... any questions please ask....


My childrens mother has passed away in the hospital.  On new years eve it happened.  I found out a couple hours later.  She had been in and out of hospital for a few months.  She had been recently put on an liver transplant recipient list, then removed because she would not stop drug use.  She had left the hospital against their advice at some point recently, then returned shortly.  My details of some of this are foggy as I am not in close contact anymore with any of her family.  Some had tried to help, some had helped destroy.... some even got in my way when I met with her a few times after our first year of separation.... I felt so close sometimes.... but it never worked.  A few times it seemed like she was right about take a step to the right direction.... but then it's like something would slap her and flip a switch. It was always drama soon to follow, and erratic fights erupted from her, followed by no communication, or hateful communication, which I would ignore.  The last time I saw her in 2019, it was very frightening.  It was so sad.  I won't go on about it just now.... I didn't see her or respond to any texts, which were very chaotic, all over the place, for the next 3 years I guess.  Then, I saw her and talked about 6 or 8 months ago, for maybe 5 min.  It didn't go well.  It chokes me to think about it. The children had not seen her since we separated in Aug 2018.  When we split up, the way it first happened.... I didn't expect for it to be the end.  She just started doing shit I'd never imagined she would, and kind of disappeared.... in order to make decisions for the children, enroll in school, etc, I had to get custody.  She didn't fight me for it, but had the chance.  The tears and pain then were unbelievable.... for all of us. 


We became a couple in hishschool, in 2000... we never got married.  We always wanted to.... it was always something that I tried to work toward, but never could afford the right way.  Made me feel bad.  But, it made getting custody easier.  there was no divorce required.... so being unmarried was okay i guess in that way. I did get her a diamond ring and propose years ago... but things didn't happen that way.  3 or 4 years after I gave the ring.... the diamond came loose and was gone.  She was upset, and along with other problems happening, I felt it as a sign.. but tried to ignore that feeling.  I'd push it out of mind.  Maybe it was, or maybe not.. being together 18 yrs.... 4 childrens births.. ups and downs, mistakes and celebrations, success, fails...... we were all very close.

I had come to terms of losing her to an extent though.. but looking back, I really had not come to terms, not fully.  One problem in coming to terms, there was never closure.  It always felt like she had been stolen from me.  Slowly stolen.  She always said she loved me and didnt know what to do, even in text over last 5 years.  She said years ago, with pain pills, she needed help before I even thought she did.... she wanted to do well and right for a long time, and regretted when she'd do wrong.  She cared.  Then she slowly stopped caring more and more. I believe in self accountability and self control.. will power..  she made her choices in my eyes.. but also in my eyes, she had no self control or accountability, or will power. The look of pain and anguish on her face the last times I saw her, and many other times, the looks of guilt and regret, embarrassment at her own behaviors, it seemed like she was under control of something else.... I dont want to say that to absolve her of responsibility,  or make excuses for her, or to romanticize her addictions... I wish it were so simple.  I wish I could just say she decided she didn't love any of us anymore.... or at least that she made her choice to leave with a sober mind. it might have given me something solid to understand.  I've never understood this.  I really don't think she did either.  It's like a mental and spiritual illness with drug addiction that all spiraled out of control. People would tell me she cried all the time and missed us.... and then would act like she didnt care much at all. I never understood why she wouldn't go to rehab and get clean, get help.  I tried to help her many times.  Felt like I got close a few times.  Every time that happened, I saw the most frightening faces on her, the worst fights.  She said she was ready many times.  She never did though.  So yeah.... I don't know if I did come to terms of losing her over last 5 years.... I could say I accepted that she would not be here, and that I could not communicate with her anymore in a reasonable way.... but her being out there still, and her messaging me every month or 2 that she was missing us.... it made it hard to understand what was happening, and what would happen going forward.  Many messages I would not look at, they would build up for months before I'd finally read them.... and it was never good.  Only chaos, never accountability.  I figured it was most likely that she'd get worse into addiction, and not be around.  I didn't have much hope for her recovery of sanity or stability.  Even if she would ever, I knew I could not be with her anymore.  I had let her go in that sense.  But it still always felt like she was stolen from me, by a dark part of herself.... or just by "the darkness".  And the children.... they felt a version of this too.  They each had different levels of thought on her, and what the future would bring.  They all had lots of unanswered questions, but had in a way come to terms that she at least would not be present, albeit for an unknown time.

But now with her gone from life.... her passing was different.  I can't even put to words.  She went so early.  At the funeral, seeing all her aunts there, her mother, everyone.... I've known most them as long as her.  It's just very....  complex.  Lot of history.  Many of them were enablers.  Her mother gave her coke when she was 16.... she even shot her up once. When she told me about it, it had been a couple years since it'd happened, and it made her sad and mad.
I was also furious, but kept control over myself.  Many friends and family were there, and she had a lot of bad ones of both categories.  I found myself pushing negative thoughts out of mind, like hoping they were sorry, hoping they accepted their roles they had played in encouraging her to spiral out of control.... but she made her own choices.... I tell myself.  But I can't help but imagine, if they'd never been there, how many mistakes would she not have made?  If they'd have encouraged her to stay home and raise her young family instead of coming out to get drunk or taking pain pills or smoking a little dope or whatever, would it have made a difference?  I believe it would have, and f9r that reason I am struggling with blame.  I know I need to let it go, but am finding it difficult.

We all make our own choices.  Some people are strong and independent thinkers, with self control, and can overcome negative influence with little support. But some people have damage, pain, weaknesses. they need help and support, positive influence.. not negative influence and enablers.  With the former, they have more of a chance of success than with more of the latter.  Seems like that's almost all she had.... almost.  She's not innocent, but she was at one time.  Everyone is at one time. She had no memory before sadness and neglect and abuse entered her life.  Part of her wanted to do well and grow her self, care for her family.  Part of her, as an adult, knew she should not drink or do drugs, or hang out with people who did.  Not many supported that part of her, instead they encouraged her to join them in their own selfish and small self destruction.... all in the name of fun and misery.  They didn't even know half of what she really thought....
But she still never was strong enough to do the right things, no matter what a "part of me" wants, or no matter what pain was felt.... that's the bitch of having your innocence stolen so young that you remember nothing before that.. in her case it was never knowing her real father, and having her mom beat her when she was found to be listening in on a phone call with him... the only time she heard his voice. many more bad things.  She never was able to grow enough to develop the independence, self esteem and strength it takes to beat temptation and fight to make it in this world.... I understand it now, but I didn't then.... that she was stunted, and it takes a lot of work and self awareness to grow past that.  I thought I could help her reach her goals. some she did reach.  But ultimately she fell harder and faster than most do.... and many ignorant and small thinking people stupidly and selfishly helped and enabled that.. some of them may not even realize it. I need to let it go.... I know I do.... but burying her.... with some of them there....

We had the funeral on Thursday, Jan. the 4th.  It was intense.... her family is Cheyenne, Arapahoe, Kiowa, other tribes.. their funerals are really something special.  Her family and mine both bury our own.  It is the way it should be, no matter how hard.  It is the way it always was before.... The songs and sermons, the drive to cemetary way out in the country, the burial.... when they lowered her down, then we each all grabbed a single handful of dirt to drop in.. the last handshake.. then we had a few more words, and a last song.. then we started filling it in.... I just held my daughter for the first few minutes while some of the guys added in the dirt.  My 2 older boys got shovels, a few cousins, then I asked my youngest if he was going to get over there... probably 5 or 6 at a time, then take a break while someone else does some. my daughter was just sobbing so I held her and watched.  Some of my family was there too....  Out of corner of eye I saw a cousin of mine for the first time that day.  Knew he was there, but hadn't seen him yet.. he is now with her younger sister I heard... both of them are weak fools.. the sister is not necessarily a bad person.... she just "is".  She just exists it seems. This sister didnt exactly encourage her as some of the others had, but she didnt ever try to stop it either.  Shed even let her drop our kids off over at her messy ass house while she ran people around to hustle up pills for them, so she could get a small share.... and lie to me about it.  I never gave a fuck about pills.... or dope or anything, so i had to get lied to by those who did.. anyway, my cousin.... this traitor backstabbing bitch of a cousin, I had not seen or spoken to him for about 15 years.  He betrayed me a long time ago when he had tried to have sex with my woman while she was passed out drunk at one of her girlfriends house.... right on living room sofa he was seen fondling her while she was unconcious...  he went to prison for a couple years prior, in his mid 20's, for rape of some young girls who lived around him when he was a teen.... a scoundrel.. our grandmother and his mother and father hid him from me and lied to me when I had found out what he did and went to beat the shit out of him years ago.... i saw him there at the funeral, with her little sister.., a large woman, simple minded foolish person, but again, overall not a bad person.. idk if she even knows about everything what happened before.  he was there with her, holding someone's baby for them.... he walked about 5 feet from me, i did not turn to him or speak, he may not have known if i saw him at all.... i stood a minute more holding my daughter and watching through tears my boys fill in the grave.. putting aside feelings of my traitor cousin....

I saw one of them who was filling, one of her cousins, who i had not spoken to since 2018.  I had found out he was helping my children's mom get pain pills, strong ones, and had talked to him.... told him she was starting to have bad problems, and it was causing our relationship strain, told him she was starting to go over the edge and not doing right by the children, or by me.... i had told him id like for him to stop being involved in that way, and that i knew he loved her, and that she needed help.... he had agreed with me, and said he too was struggling, and that he would stop being involved in that way.... i later found out he did not stick to that.... I had not seen him since.... he had been in contact with her until recently.... as i saw him adding the dirt to her grave, i saw pain on his face.... I felt I wanted him to acknowledge to me that he had done wrong by her, and had let me down on his word.... wanted him to realize, that I had asked him to stop, very respectfully.  Man to man.  And he had agreed.  I felt i wanted him to understand , that when i had talked to him, would he have taken it seriously then, if he knew that today, 5 years later, he would be filling her grave.... but told myself immediately it didnt matter if he did or not.  I wanted my own cousin to be sorry too.  All these thoughts and memories filled my mind as I held my daughter, wearing a shawl from her aunt, sobbing, held close to my chest. never felt such a mix of emotions.

We walked a little closer down.... stood, cried, and watched, then I reached out and motioned for a shovel from one of my sons.... helped the last stretch until we had the mound 4 ft over ground. 

We then all gathered back around.... about 40 or 50 people.. had some last words, a last song, then added a large bunch of flowers.  Most everyone started to leave towards their cars, to drive back to church to eat. One of the aunts, our favorite one, had us get a flower.  We stood in silence a while more.  My boys all came close and I hugged them.  They headed towards our car.  My daughter came to me again and I held her and we cried more, I closed my eyes and when I opened them it was just us two there at the grave, with the 2 undertakers only left about 20 yards away.... just watching patiently, solid black and sunglasses with black hats, feet shoulder width apart and hands clasped in front of their waistlines.... long coats that were just barely blowing in the breeze.  I'm not trying to be poetic.... but the memory has stuck vividly.  The way they looked standing there, i will not forget.  I nodded to them and we turned away, back toward car.  On the walk back my daughter looked back many times.... It was so intense.  We drove back to church, although I didn't want to at first, I felt the children would regret it if we did not.... it was quiet at first, then we all talked about it.. they seemed in better spirits than all day.... closure and healing starting to begin for them.  I am hoping for myself too. 

At the church, we ate.  All of her favorite foods.  So many foods, had more stories.... i had many come to tell me, that though the children and i had not seen her much or at all the last 5 years, that they all loved us and knew i had always been there for her, if she had only accepted help, that she had loved us, and that they wished she would have went a different path. Some people said some ignorant shit that told me they didnt know shit. I ignored that. I noticed several avoided me.... some people had left after the initial service, before the drive to cemetary.  Her older half sister was one of those.  She had gotten out of prison in 2017, and was a big part of when my children's mom started fucking up and taking the pain pill problem to the next level.  It hurts to know she has survived so long with this lifestyle that took my woman from me.... or that my woman traded the children and I for.... i dont even know how to think about it.

I didn't say too much.  My children and all the cousins and young people all went outside and wrestled and played, daughter got a video of my youngest son wrestling their cousin, the oldest son of their moms little sister - the big gal who I guess my shit head cousin is with now....my son was looking cut and dominated the other one, which was satisfying to see.  Hes 14 and into rugby and wrestling, always been a tough kid.... none of my children had seen any of them since 2018. I didnt see my own cousin there anymore. probably hiding again, coward that he is.... although it did strike me that I need to forgive, even if he's not sorry.... but still I don't need any communication with him. 

Many people had a good time, lots of laughs... i wasnt in the mood for much conversation, but i tried in order to not draw attention.. i honestly just wanted to be alone.  So many of the people there supported her in drug use.... her own mom was one of the worst, and the first to introduce her to actual hard drugs... smoked weed with her when she was young, allowed her to drink, and did some real fucked up shit to her, and suggested she do some real fucked up shit too... always made my childrens mom sad to know her own mother did her that way.... she cried so many times about those things. We never let her watch our children because of the kind of person she is.... I didn't speak to her that day, but she did give me a hug at one point, and i think she said she was sorry this had happened... don't really remember.  I don't remember seeing her out at the cemetary either.  She may have stayed back at the church, maybe cooking.... idk.  I did see her step dad there.  He was a good guy, but didn't have enough sway over her to set her straight.... maybe no one did.  But I feel that if enough people had cared more, it would have made a difference. 

The day was full of mixed emotions.  Part of me didn't want to go at all, due to some of the bad blood....but it wasn't enough to really make me not go.  Over the years many in the family had been mad at me at one time or another.  Many aunts, cousins, her brother, her sister, her friends.... most of them just thought getting high as a priority is just normal and fine.. they don't care about doing it around little ones.... she didn't have a lot of good advice or support from many of them during her life.... she was mostly surrounded by it her whole life.  She never knew her real dad, and her mom was a wreck.  Her life was chaotic, and had a lot of painful things happen. I was probably the first and maybe the only person who she ever talked to about certain things, and ways she felt, and what she really wanted to be. The years we spent that we just smoked a bit of weed or drank together on occasion, focused and built our education or careers, and of course created our children, were the best of them. 

Life is not a fucking game, or a fucking joke. 

I don't know how to even explain it all, or what I really want from this post.  It's 5am now, I need to sleep.  I will say, this does give some measure of closure now in a way.... it answers some questions. My daughter, when she found out, cried and said her mom would never get to see her future grandchildren.... it broke my heart .... but she may not ever have seen them anyway, or may not have even wanted her to if she had survived on that path a long time....

What I am struggling with.... anger and betrayal, and injustice at it all.  My children's pain.... though they have been learning to live without her for a long time, they still are hurting from this.  This is different.  I hope they can understand one day some lessons from this, though they don't all know all details.  I don't know if they do need to know certain things.... but another thing I don't understand how to feel about.... so many people I hold accountable to a degree.... how do I let go of the feeling of anger and injustice? They continue to live and hurt people, themselves, their children, continue to do hard drugs flippantly and selfishly.... they had the nerve to come to a funeral for someone they helped kill, helped teach her how to kill herself, had abandoned her at the end, and had never a true good loving word for her.... they came and cried, and watches fill her grave.  How could they do this?  How do I forgive or forget?  I am praying about it.  Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Also, I suppose I just wanted to write about it, share it, maybe someone will actually read it though I know it is jumbled and long.  If you do, thank you. It at least helped to write it. I am still crying, I don't know how I can look at the world the same after this.  I have to be strong for my children, God help me.  God bless them.  And God please rest her soul in Peace, finally...., please forgive her, please accept her, may she find rest and comfort.

[EDITED for something i had pasted wrong]


Edited by Anonymous (01/07/24 11:25 PM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: Struggling w/ Loss of Loved one. My Childrens' Mother passed away at 40 years old. Perspectives requested, please. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #28613490 - 01/07/24 10:58 PM (20 days, 14 hours ago)

Thank you very much for the reply, was helpful.  I can understand avoiding certain painful topics.... really appreciate you reading this one and replying.  Even just me reading it this morning.... it helped to not think I'm isolated in this experience.. The thought has emerged lately that no one would understand where I'm coming from.  I know it's not true.... many have experienced similar.  Guiding the children through something like this has left me a lot of unknowns and concerns, and sometimes it occurs to me that I may not be able to relate to anyone on that exact level.... it's definitely not something I wish on others to experience, and I don't desire company in misery for companies sake.... but it does remind me, reading your post, that this pain is not exclusive to me alone.  Glad you posted. I am sorry you lost your son.  I am assuming that it is his children, your grandchildren, and their mother mentioned above.  Is that correct?  I wasn't 100% sure, but it seems so.  I know that has to be painful to witness.  If the children live with her, or if they don't see her often , either way is just so hard.  Dangerous too.  With all the concerns people on the 'outside' have, especially the 'closer' they are to the 'inside'.... it is so hard to handle.  You said it well here:

Quote:

disgusted by the people who enabled her and harm her.
But also by the people judging her instead of loving her which is what she needs to return to herself




It is so hard being balanced in these situations.  Before we separated, I felt exactly this.  It seemed like all people aware of parts of the situation were in either of 2 categories.... enabling, or judging.  I couldn't get on the same page as anyone.... I just wanted my family to stay together and be safe and healthy.

It eventually happened that she was changing so much that she was putting my children in danger.  That was a hard line for me, and it is when I made my first move of taking them somewhere else, since our home had itself become unsafe.  People had learned of the location, and had been inside.... my children had seen them there.  It bothered them, but they didn't quite realize what lines had been crossed, and what dangers they were in due to who some of these people were....  I thought that, by us leaving a few days, she would be struck by the seriousness of the situation, and maybe start to realize things had to change.  I damn sure know I would have, I believe, regardless of any addiction.  I know it's easy for me to say that, but I believe it is true.  She and I were different though.... so I don't know, I can't say "if I was her".... but if that had happened to me, myself, I would have done whatever it took to get my children back home.  I'd have cut all ties to anyone.... many of these people, there at the end, she didn't even know well.  I felt she could discard them easily.... It didn't happen that way.  She would eventually lose contact with them after a short while, some would themselves die, but she met others.... she would eventually move back in with some family.... but by then the damage was done, and courts had ruled long prior that she would need to complete a process to earn back visitation rights.  A very fair and reasonable process I would add.... which nonetheless I struggled with doing my part to uphold.  I felt at times I was "keeping them from her" or "keeping her from them".....

I lived with an image of us in my mind.... all of us in a hot air balloon, rising up to the sky... some beautiful views coming up we would all share.... She threw a rope over the edge, and climbed out.... she climbed down the rope, and it pulled us all down.  It's like the bottom of the rope led to Hell... or was on fire, or something.... I could see it clearly, but she was determined for some reason to climb down, and it was pulling us all, the entire balloonm down with her.  The kids couldn't see over the edge enough to know what she was climbing for, but they knew I was worried about it and did not agree.... she got pretty far down, eventually like she was out of earshot.... she couldn't hear me after a point.  I felt like I cut the rope and let her go.... it was that, or we would all go down.  That image was stuck for a long time, and I felt a measure of guilt.  It wasn't quite the same though, I've learned.  I've tried to let go of the guilt, and realize that I had tried to pull her back up for a long time....

Still don't know how to feel.  I wish so bad she would have gotten some help, gotten sober.... I couldn't make her.  She had to be the one.... I have to be glad, and realize, that nothing happened to the children, at the hands of any of these fools involved.  That was the dividing line for me. My daughter was still only 9 at the time, my youngest son still only 8.... I had to keep them safe, and that was it.

But still, the people who bashed her and ridiculed her.... judged her.... they never helped the situation much either. It's all so fucking sad.  I hate it. I know they still hoped for her in some level.  A part of me did too. And a big part of me never stopped loving her.  It felt like she was stolen from me.... and in regards to fentanyl.... I don't get on face book, but my mom does.  She said she saw a message on there by one of the kids' mom's long time "friends" that said something about fentanyl.... so yeah, she was doing that substance.... probably along with whatever available to stop withdrawal.... I hate this shit so much.

I hope your grandchildren are safe, and their mother gets out of this lifestyle.  Life isn't a fucking game.... some of us have the mentality that we are victims, and we pity ourselves, and we justify masking our pain with dangerous drugs.... some of us don't have the self awareness required to make changes to stop self destruction, or to stop destroying even our own children.  Some of us are spoiled beyond belief, and don't even know it.  All that being true, we all still deserve compassion, and I do believe that there is a way forward and a brighter day for everyone and anyone, if we will only reach for it.... and sometimes, we need someone there reaching towards us in that moment too.  It is hard to align sometimes.... some people can walk and see and live by faith, and I do believe it is helpful, if genuine.... but for some in the darkness, a hand reaching towards them coming from a place of open faith, can be seen as something they can never hold.... so they push it away. I know you wish you could solve it.... I know how that feels, my own version.  I know it's hard seeing the forest for the trees, and loved ones won't move when you tell them it's on fire.... for whatever reason, for many people, the message is just as important as the messenger.... and they can't hear things from some messengers.... Regardless, there is a solution 9f some kind for your grandchildren, and their mom.  I hope they find it by whatever means.  I hope you witness it and are glad.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Struggling w/ Loss of Loved one. My Childrens' Mother passed away at 40 years old. Perspectives requested, please. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #28613494 - 01/07/24 11:07 PM (20 days, 14 hours ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #2 said:
Your kids don't need to hear the negative
Tell them the stories of why you love her
What made her so beautiful to you
They need to hear it and you need to say it
Honor who she was authentically
Her soul




This is good advice.  I put into practice today.  I think they were happy to hear, just a little story.... of when we had first started getting to know each other.... me playing a song on guitar she liked.... song by sublime.... pawn shop.... I jammed it out.... she wasn't even in the room, but later asked me to play it again.... she was so beautiful, seriously the most unique and rare kind of beauty anyone sees.... in my eyes anyway. 

Damn.... anger flares up every fucking time I think of the fools who didn't understand her dreams or pains, didn't respect our family relationship.... didn't even care about her.  Fuck.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Struggling w/ Loss of Loved one. My Childrens' Mother passed away at 40 years old. Perspectives requested, please. [Re: syri]
    #28613496 - 01/07/24 11:09 PM (20 days, 14 hours ago)

Quote:

syri said:
:popcorn:




That better be some good fucking popcorn.


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