First I want to thank everyone who replied and welcomed me back. I am sorry I did not respond sooner but yesterday was not a good day for me health wise and my tremors are through the roof this morning. I mostly was just a lurker as I never really talk that much. So little in fact, that after about ten minutes I lose my voice. Hence my nickname, Mouse. Even responding or posting online to people stressed me out to no end. But, I am happy to admit, after four years of therapy and speech therapy, which I resisted my whole life, I can now talk for around an hour. Growing up in busses, lots, national forest and campgrounds, I never spoke to anyone outside my inner circle or group as a whole and was never in fear from another head or fellow rainbow family member. When you hear that, "Hey Now" well, you know its at least going to be a bit interesting if not a complete outright possible adventure. After my wife's death in 1990 which I felt exasperated and accelerated my illness. I was forced off tour due to said illness and severe depression. I had to finally enter the real world of individuals I felt I had nothing in common with. After all, all the doctors down below were just happy to let me die and blow smoke up places some does not belong. Luckily my friend got me up to Alaska under the premise of taking a break for a year of respite while managing his campground which I arranged with my superiors as I was now working for BGP. He saw how badly I looked and all the weight I had lost and was horrified. I went from around 160lbs. to 106lbs. in a matter of the few months since we had last visited. I changed my appearance, my demeanor and my vocabulary which I later discovered, I really didn't have to do that as much. Alaska is pretty accepting to the different and weird somewhat. But driving through Canada it was probably for the best. Never had a problem with the Canadian shows or cops but now it was just me, a new girlfriend and my trusty dog Chewie. Who actually I think knew more people on tour than I did. He defiantly ate better than me most of the time. But I felt in order to be taken seriously and get the treatment I needed to save my life. I had to become something I was not, play the game so to speak. I crammed my dead memories and life deep down and sealed it off and just pretended it never happened. Like an ass, I even stopped responding to letters from my friends, some even remained unopened until last year when I lost my home and moved in with a friend after suffering a pulmonary embolism. These were twenty year old letters, long wonderful letters and I felt so much like a coward. But, like my partner at the time about 10 years ago said when I wouldn't go with her back to Colorado for our friends wedding was, that I was embarrassed and that I wasn't Mr. big shot anymore. And ya know? She was right to a degree. I didn't want my friends to see me frail, broke and broken my ego was getting in the way to be honest. I mean, I was the glue, I was the acid king if you will. That's the shitty part I feel the worst about. I just tuned my back on my closest friends and just shut down and everyone out of my life. The only friends I had up here was my friend who got me to agree to come here and let us live with him and those that basically forced their way into my life. I'm not good with the so called "normal" people or making friends with non like minded people. But those that forced their way in, were some of the most wonderful people I ever met outside tour. Unfortunately all my friends up her have died, had the sense to move and some have even moved and died anyway. I'm leaning towards staying with a friend in Seattle till I get settled or back to Colorado now due my worsening health an inability to battle the elements anymore but its a big maybe. I have a wonderful medical team here that knows about my past life and my present use of psychedelics and I still get my meds no problem instead of being treated like some sort of fiend and in this day and age that’s a miracle in itself so that is having a strong pull on me. I don’t trust doctors a whole lot but the team I have are wonderful and was even sent over to the local Ketamine Clinic by my GP to see if that would effect some of the pain and depression. To some degree it did for a few days and the hallucinations were insane, plus I got to listen to Entheogenic, Hallucinogen's "In Dub" disc and the last show I got to attend with my wife after 30+ years of avoiding it. It was a cathartic experience to say the least so I did manage that one hurdle due to the treatment and realized a few other things about Myself along the way. Like I said, the hallucinations were insanely pleasant and I cant wait to go back. The only problem being that its $500 a pop so its going to be a few months before I can swing that as neither Medicare or Medicaid will pay for the treatment so I have to put it on a medical credit card. I had never done ketamine before as " Special K" hit after I left but I really want to push it to the max. My choice of antidepressant is MDMA but we have no clinic here. That I only need every 5~6 months and I am golden. But thanks to the demise of landlines and life in general I cant find anyone except for a few friends below in various states that I was lucky to be able to connect with after some effort and jumping hoops. Unfortunately a lot of those have died as well or had left the scene years ago. But thankfully some of the elderly still love their landlines and were able to get me in touch with their kids/kin or who ever I was trying to reach. Before I started reaching out I didn't even listen to any Dead for around 15 years and packed everything away in boxes and stored them for 30 years; out of sight, out of mind. Anytime something dead related came on I turned it off or tuned it out. Even Jerry's passing. I did not watch his last show at Soldiers field until 2021. I just couldn't do it. It weird hiding who and what you are and it dove me to finally have a break down about four years ago and pretty much forced me to deal with some of the loss, grief and trauma I had so handily suppressed and buried. When my friend who talked me into coming up here finally got me to a doctor that took me seriously, they did indeed confirm I was extremely sick and at a very high risk of dying if I did not start treatment immediately. My last shows were at Sam Boyd 1994. It had been four years since the demise of my wife on the 18th, Dec, 1990 and the sick thing is, I still had to or was encouraged to work the New Years Eve run just mere days after her passing. I actually dropped the third night thinking it may take my mind somewhere else but I knew better and I was right. It only made it worse. The only time in all my days of doing psychedelics that I had any sort of what might be called "A BAD TRIP". It wasn't a bad trip really, but it got my mind only deeper into places I did not want to go. So on the 31st, I loaded up the bus, told everyone to get their stuff off and find a ride because I was leaving, I had had enough. I had a funeral to attend in just a little over a week and I was trying my best to hold it all together and somehow process this whole mess. One of my closest riders wanted to come back to Colorado with me to make sure I didn't harm myself or do anything stupid. I had no intentions of doing so and she very well knew it but she did not want me to be alone and I am so grateful she rode back with me. To tell you the truth, I cried the whole trip back and could barely make out the road at the times. And when we would stop to rest we would cuddle in the bed and she would hold me until we fell asleep. Which is weird in itself as I really don't like being touched a lot or held in an embrace for very log or I start to get visibly agitated and that include loved ones or anyone I am extremely close with. I don’t know why I am writing all this. It started out as simple thank you but somehow this just all came pouring out. I think that since 2015 and the 2016 election and onward including the way Covid was handled broke me. Never have I witnessed such willful ignorance and deceit. I have always been pretty politically knowledgeable to some degree and since then I have been writing on various political blogs and that’s helped a lot in regrouping and forming bonds even if its with people I will most likely never meet in person. I hope to do that here as well, reconnect with my fellow psychonaughts and form some bonds even if we are separated by physical distance.
Thanks for reading and thanks for the recommendations.
Mouse
Sorry if this is the wrong thread for this sort of spiel, I will move it if requested to do so. I know there are other threads here that sort of touch on these issues.
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