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Anonymous #1

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover
    #28562024 - 11/30/23 11:19 AM (1 month, 28 days ago)

If the person you love fell in love with someone else, how would you want them to handle that? What's the best thing they could say? And how would you take it?

Reverse question; if you were in a monogamous relationship and you fell in love with someone else, what would you do?

There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.


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OfflineAspectOfTheCreator
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28562135 - 11/30/23 01:03 PM (1 month, 28 days ago)

Theres only 1 mature way of dealing with this. You go no contact.


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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28562158 - 11/30/23 01:22 PM (1 month, 28 days ago)

If I was in a committed relationship that was monogamous I would not allow myself to get close enough to another person to fall in love.
For sake of the post.
If I did fall in love with someone else while committed to another person.
I would probably leave the committed relationship. And get my shit together. While deciding if I should be in a relationship at all.


--------------------
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Offlinepslyke
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28562231 - 11/30/23 02:22 PM (1 month, 28 days ago)

You die with that secret-- leave your monogamous relationship and do everything humanly possible to spare that person's feelings that you once loved. You don't get to drop your shit and failings in life into their lap just to make yourself feel unburdened with the betrayal you committed. And-- get your ass into therapy to find out why your so insecure.


--------------------
"What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein

"The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante


:kratom:


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: pslyke]
    #28562316 - 11/30/23 03:17 PM (1 month, 28 days ago)

Quote:

pslyke said:
You die with that secret-- leave your monogamous relationship and do everything humanly possible to spare that person's feelings that you once loved. You don't get to drop your shit and failings in life into their lap just to make yourself feel unburdened with the betrayal you committed. And-- get your ass into therapy to find out why your so insecure.



I am aware it is an unpopular opinion. But I COMPLETELY  agree.
There is no reason to cause harm to an innocent person.
When people confess, I feel it is to make themselves feel better. When they are harming the other person by telling them.


--------------------
“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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Offlineblackhawk
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: loladoreen]
    #28562380 - 11/30/23 04:20 PM (1 month, 28 days ago)

Do you think it's better to tell them or let them find out on their own?


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28562419 - 11/30/23 04:52 PM (1 month, 28 days ago)

If they were going to find out, I would tell them.
I think it shows respect towards them.
If they were not.. I would tuck my tail between my legs and get myself some help.


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“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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Onlineoursoulsinmotion
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: loladoreen]
    #28562701 - 11/30/23 07:00 PM (1 month, 27 days ago)

If you could think of reasons Not to say. What would they be?


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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #28562708 - 11/30/23 07:02 PM (1 month, 27 days ago)

Solution: i would claim to be Poly


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Anonymous #1

Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: oursoulsinmotion] * 1
    #28562900 - 11/30/23 08:25 PM (1 month, 27 days ago)

Some interesting perspectives so far. Not what I expected.

My initial thought was just straight honesty, if you ever really loved this person, tell them the truth.

That seems to be the least popular option :awkwardconfusion:


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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28562928 - 11/30/23 08:38 PM (1 month, 27 days ago)

Na, if you really ever loved that person it wouldn't have happened.


--------------------
"What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein

"The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante


:kratom:


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Anonymous #1

Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: pslyke] * 2
    #28562946 - 11/30/23 08:56 PM (1 month, 27 days ago)

I mean, that's a fair perspective.

But you make it sound like love is this mystical once in a lifetime thing. I'd say there are a lot of different kinds of love, and all we really know is what we've personally experienced.


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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28562961 - 11/30/23 09:06 PM (1 month, 27 days ago)

Not trying to make it sound mystical at all. Indeed, it often isn't.

I just happen to think things are best when both, or all parties in the case of poly relationships, are playing from the same rule book.

If there isn't a rule book, it's usually good to have frank discussions about what each person wants/needs. If you or they can't adhere to that, walking away in the beginning is good option. But if all parties agree to an understanding, the terms of that understanding should be upheld at all costs for ever-- or until such time as you might want to break the terms. In which case, that should be discussed prospectively, not retrospectively.

I understand relationships are complicated and can be difficult and messy, but not treating someone with dignity, integrity and respect but having such expectations of them is insensitive and unfair.


--------------------
"What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein

"The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante


:kratom:


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28563002 - 11/30/23 09:37 PM (1 month, 27 days ago)

I think honesty is the best policy here. It hurts but the Truth is best in the long-term. Love happens :shrug: :sadyes:


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OnlineLewDoja
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 2
    #28563099 - 11/30/23 11:19 PM (1 month, 27 days ago)

What is the intent?

- to separate from prior relationship in order to be with another

-to continue in BOTH relationships (hopefully) and not feel guilty about the deception

-to unburden oneself of the deceit and seeks atonement

bviously not to cause harm (or in the least painful way) because you love them.

What is to be gained (more likely to lose) by telling them?


How ever .... when telling ...

-don't go in to details (no mental imagery)

-state your  intentions clearly and or wishes

-give space (time to process)

-don't blame

-don't make excuses

-apologize

-wish them the best

-be compassionate


--------------------
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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: LewDoja] * 1
    #28563155 - 12/01/23 12:51 AM (1 month, 27 days ago)

Such a Great list there :justastonishing:


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Anonymous #2

Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28563612 - 12/01/23 10:58 AM (1 month, 27 days ago)

Good list.
I agree with a lot.

My opinion on this changed years ago when a supervisor brought it up with me.
We address infidelity ALL the time. And almost always it is the man wanting to come clean, like a confession.
And you have to guide them to decide what is best for  themselves, their relationship and their partner. It affects everyone, children, parents, siblings, friends, everyone involved. Extremely traumatic. People do not realize how traumatizing this is to children, the partner involved, the person who was unfaithful, the parents, etc. It is extremely traumatizing.
How does it benefit the person, the person betrayed.
What is truly best.
And everyone has different situations and everyone makes their own choices and is supported.
For myself-
I wouldn't tell them. Espeacilly if it is someone I want to continue to be with.
Repairing and healing after infidelity... is rare.
It happens people can create a better relationship,it also doesn't happen. And it will never be how it was. Because things have changed.
I think people react. And impulsivley
And reacting is dangerous for everyone involved.
And SELFISH.
I have never had an affair, but I did see other people while still legally married. And we both knew, and we both were ok with it. It was like an open marriage but not... I don't know what it was. It was do what you gotta do just don't tell me about it. That was my spouses exact words. When in a sexless marriage, which later we divorced.
I don't feel like I cheated. I have never discussed what I did. And we divorced shortly after.
I 100000% do not regret it.
I do however regret that I did not do it earlier.
I also do not think I could be in a committed relationship again and be sexless. And I also do not think I could do it behind someone's back.
The betrayl of it... hurts more than anything.
Just my opinion.
And what I do professionally when dealing with infidelity.
It's not a easy decision.
And everyone is different. And there is no right or wrong. It is what is right for you and those involved. But THINK before reacting. Think of others.
Telling them creates trauma that some people NEVER recover from.
Why intentionally harm a person?
I also understand why people want them to know.
To each their own.


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Anonymous #3

Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #2] * 2
    #28564588 - 12/01/23 11:36 PM (1 month, 26 days ago)

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free








That's how you do it


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Invisiblesudly
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #28573642 - 12/07/23 10:25 PM (1 month, 20 days ago)

Since we both realise I'm not as invested as I used to be, it's worth recognising it'll only hurt you more to continue our relationship than it will to end it now. I have no regrets, I just recognise we've grown apart. I'm sorry. :hugitout:


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I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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OfflineJoh.Ke
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: pslyke]
    #28577285 - 12/10/23 03:52 PM (1 month, 18 days ago)

Quote:

pslyke said:
Na, if you really ever loved that person it wouldn't have happened.




Not true....

It is possible to fall in love with more than one person.  Or at least such is the case for some people.  Polyamory is a thing for a reason.


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Invisiblesudly
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Joh.Ke] * 2
    #28577336 - 12/10/23 04:19 PM (1 month, 18 days ago)

Today actually marks a year of being single. 

Reflecting on it all, I think it's a positive and mature perspective to have no regrets about a past relationship, especially one that lasted for five years. Acknowledging the growth and experiences gained, both individually and as a couple, I think, is a healthy way to approach such reflections.

Not having regrets doesn't diminish the significance of the relationship; instead, it reflects a level of acceptance and understanding that people change, and relationships evolve.

It's truly valuable to approach the end of a relationship with gratitude and without animosity or disrespect. Ending things amicably can help both individuals move forward with a sense of closure and respect for the time spent together. This positive outlook can contribute to healthier emotional well-being and pave the way for future relationships.

I guess I'm just reflecting on our different paths to self recovery, and that I'm grateful that the relationship ended the way it did, without animosity or disrespect like often happens.

That said, we had trust, just space to grow in communicating our needs. I still know she's a capable, smart and beautiful woman, I still respect her, in fact, it's because I respected her I reached the point of recognising that my continued distance would hurt her more than ending things as they were.

It's nice to not have anything bad to say about an ex, I haven't contacted her since and don't intend to. I think that moving on means moving on, and that an on and off relationship is an open relationship that hasn't quite made the label, or between there and friends with benefits.

Breakups can indeed affect individuals differently, and the varying paths to recovery are normal. It's important to remember that people cope and heal at their own pace. Everyone has their unique way of processing emotions and moving forward.


--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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Offlinepslyke
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Joh.Ke] * 1
    #28577397 - 12/10/23 04:54 PM (1 month, 18 days ago)

Quote:

Joh.Ke said:
Quote:

pslyke said:
Na, if you really ever loved that person it wouldn't have happened.




Not true....

It is possible to fall in love with more than one person.  Or at least such is the case for some people.  Polyamory is a thing for a reason.





I'm not against polyamory as long as those involved know that they are. Betrayal is betrayal whether in a monogamous relationship or polyamorous. All relationships have boundaries that those in them must understand and adhere to-- spoken or implied. If the OP was in a polyamorous relationship they would not have been asking the question that they posed. This is not an academic argument for people to spar over, it is someone's happiness or the devastation that goes along with their loved one breaking their heart.


--------------------
"What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein

"The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante


:kratom:


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OfflineJoh.Ke
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: pslyke]
    #28577431 - 12/10/23 05:12 PM (1 month, 18 days ago)

Quote:

pslyke said:
Quote:

Joh.Ke said:
Quote:

pslyke said:
Na, if you really ever loved that person it wouldn't have happened.




Not true....

It is possible to fall in love with more than one person.  Or at least such is the case for some people.  Polyamory is a thing for a reason.





I'm not against polyamory as long as those involved know that they are. Betrayal is betrayal whether in a monogamous relationship or polyamorous. All relationships have boundaries that those in them must understand and adhere to-- spoken or implied. If the OP was in a polyamorous relationship they would not have been asking the question that they posed. This is not an academic argument for people to spar over, it is someone's happiness or the devastation that goes along with their loved one breaking their heart.



This is all true and I agree, however, sometimes people can't help falling in love with another person.  They didn't plan on it and they didn't do it to hurt their partner.  And its not because they didn't love their partner enough.  That's what I am trying to say.


Edited by Joh.Ke (12/10/23 05:13 PM)


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Invisiblesudly
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Re: 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Re: Joh.Ke]
    #28577445 - 12/10/23 05:18 PM (1 month, 18 days ago)

It's all about good communication and respecting boundaries, if you cross those without informing your partner or leaving them, then it's on you.

People can fall in love with others even while in a relationship with someone else, but issues arise in hiding that or not being open about the reality of your needs or happenstance.

It's hard to leave someone, it's very hard to have a discussion about opening an existing relationship, but it's worse in my opinion to not let the existing partner have a voice in making those decisions.


--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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