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InvisiblePinkerton
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How do i care less what people say to me? * 3
    #28552862 - 11/22/23 01:31 PM (2 months, 5 days ago)

I have struggled for a long time in regards to what people say to me. It could be the smallest of things like someone looking me in the eyes and say "fuck them, man", I get terrorized by the fact he/she said fuck and looked me in the eyes, even thought he/she did not mean me. I amplify that word to the maximum and get all crazy telling he/she to say sorry for what they said.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton]
    #28552867 - 11/22/23 01:36 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

use your breath to be calm, and to avoid restless actions, and be aware of each thing you feel and think and hear when they arise; nothing more you can do IMO.


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InvisiblePinkerton
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: redgreenvines]
    #28552881 - 11/22/23 01:57 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

If I did not have Faith in the future I would off myself. On the spot.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton]
    #28552884 - 11/22/23 02:01 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

That's one benefit of a good aim and a close target.


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InvisiblePinkerton
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: redgreenvines]
    #28552887 - 11/22/23 02:04 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

I truly hope you mean it is close as in duration of this madness. :heart:


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton]
    #28552901 - 11/22/23 02:17 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

I can only guess


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InvisibleRahz
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton] * 1
    #28552907 - 11/22/23 02:22 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

Emotions are catchy. While some people are more sensitive to it than others it's a long road to maturity for many to be unreactive to emotional outbursts.

Think of yourself as being on a spectrum rather than an alien creature, if that makes sense. We're all trying to work on it.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Rahz]
    #28552912 - 11/22/23 02:32 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

I was very emotional this morning when my wife kept suggesting that we sell the dining table rather than moving it to our new apartment in another city.

We had already worked out the dimensions several times and we know that it will fit;
however it is a 9 foot long solid oak table and it dominates the space, but we can work on multiple projects or have many people over to eat, and I would rather have it than sell it and try replace it and it's many functions.

3 times already we solved this problem using mathematics computers and photography, and I just lost my patience,

then I drove her to IKEA to return a pillow, and that took all day.


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InvisibleRahz
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: redgreenvines]
    #28552918 - 11/22/23 02:35 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

Sounds like a nice table!


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rahz

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"You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Rahz] * 2
    #28552974 - 11/22/23 03:38 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

It cost us 6 grand 5 years ago, to replace it would be 15000, there is no replacement; it weighs 250 lbs. German imported

here it is in a previous apartment that I renovated just before covid, (it does not fit in our current apartment)



our most classy thing I guess.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton] * 1
    #28553102 - 11/22/23 05:47 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

One way to be less emotionally reactive is to pause and ask yourself, "Does this really matter?"  Think of reacting as an investment.  Is what was said really so important that you want to make an investment in it?  And maintain a sense of humor about it all - one brain reacting to the products of another brain can appear pretty funny.  I laugh at my mind all the time.  It's fucking nuts!  I claim no ownership of it.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28553267 - 11/22/23 08:38 PM (2 months, 4 days ago)

Agreed 👍 that's the usual
But relationships are supposed to work both ways.

I have to show my human half at least some time or I will turn into a Vulcan servant


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OfflineBrendanFlock
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: redgreenvines]
    #28553471 - 11/23/23 01:43 AM (2 months, 4 days ago)

My opinion is to stand up for your emotions to the point of conflict if need be..


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: BrendanFlock]
    #28553496 - 11/23/23 04:13 AM (2 months, 4 days ago)

sometimes, annoyance is actually an aggressive tactic,
and an aggressive response can burn it off,
however,
there is no turning back on both sides, you have to own the history of it.


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Offlineepilectric
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton]
    #28553507 - 11/23/23 04:35 AM (2 months, 4 days ago)

Quote:

Pinkerton said:
I have struggled for a long time in regards to what people say to me. It could be the smallest of things like someone looking me in the eyes and say "fuck them, man", I get terrorized by the fact he/she said fuck and looked me in the eyes, even thought he/she did not mean me. I amplify that word to the maximum and get all crazy telling he/she to say sorry for what they said.




i can totally relate to that. i'm feeling like that very often. in fact nothing has stopped it but i've been receiving a lot of positive feedback at my new workplace (since 1,5y now) which balances out the stresses that you mention (ppl looking at me, saying certain things etc.)

what also helps me is the fact that the same ppl might just smile at me in the next moment and then they actually mean me :smile: i quickly forget strange looks or comments. at our call center, there's just too many ppl to keep caring about every little detail. maybe if you be around ppl more, this might get less


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: redgreenvines]
    #28553530 - 11/23/23 05:29 AM (2 months, 4 days ago)

Quote:

redgreenvines said:

Agreed 👍 that's the usual
But relationships are supposed to work both ways.

I have to show my human half at least some time or I will turn into a Vulcan servant




I notice my reactivity is unusually ego based, and comes from a place of, "How dare you think or say that?!" and/or the habitual desire and occasional attempt to convince people of one thing or another.  I tend to see our "human half" more akin to our heart - versus our mind.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: RJ Tubs 202] * 2
    #28553537 - 11/23/23 05:38 AM (2 months, 4 days ago)

my human half is territoriality defensiveness mixed with swirls of empathy.


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InvisibleLyleChipperson

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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton] * 1
    #28559638 - 11/28/23 03:45 PM (1 month, 29 days ago)

Quote:

Pinkerton said:
I have struggled for a long time in regards to what people say to me. It could be the smallest of things like someone looking me in the eyes and say "fuck them, man", I get terrorized by the fact he/she said fuck and looked me in the eyes, even thought he/she did not mean me. I amplify that word to the maximum and get all crazy telling he/she to say sorry for what they said.




Why do you place so much importance on other people's words and opinions?

You may see these words directed towards you, but when someone speaks to you, they are mostly speaking to themselves. Their point of view is always based on their own awareness and understanding. So they will never be able to see the complete you, same as you will never be able to see the complete them. They may see a behavior, they may form an opinion based on what they see in you, but they will be seeing a reflection of themselves and speaking to that reflection. In my opinion, anything said by someone else shouldn't be seen as more of a suggestion to be examined before agreement or denial.

You have agency in this world, so you don't have to accept anything as is. You get to make a choice. And if you now choose to let everything in until it drowns you, you can also choose to flip that coin and keep everything out until you decide that "Yes, this is true" or "No, this is false".

Words have a lot of power, yet they can also have none. In my own internal dialogue I can be extremely harsh, both in regard to myself and others, and that is sometimes reflected in my speech. I may swear using the most foul language, but that doesn't mean that there is any emotional load attached to the words. Or the words themselves may be a conduit for the release of the corresponding emotions, as opposed to physical action.

In an altercation, I may call you a stupid cunt, that doesn't make you one. It just means that I see you as one, but that is just my opinion and not a fact. It may actually be to your benefit, if all I want in that moment is to smash your face and calling you that name lets me vent my anger before I get physical, you will actually suffer less consequences despite being insulted. I will suffer less consequences because I don't know how physically capable you are and you may prove much tougher than me, or I will suffer more if you take offence and escalate the conflict futher. Who's the cunt in that case? No one knows at this point. Maybe we're both it. Maybe none of us is. It's still up to our own perception of the situation.

I may call you the same thing in a completely friendly context, if we know each other and you know that I am prone to using such language, why would you be affected by it? It may even be a sign of trust that I would only talk to people who are close to me in that way, people who I know for certain won't take it in a negative light.

At the end of the day, words only have as much power as you allow them to have. Context should always be taken into consideration before you let your mind run wild.


Edited by LyleChipperson (11/28/23 03:52 PM)


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OfflineFreedom
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton]
    #28560468 - 11/29/23 08:43 AM (1 month, 29 days ago)

I'd explore more about whats going on.

like were you neglected by your family and so have a hypersensitivity to what people think about you because it used to relate to survival needs?

or is it just a mild anxiety and its hard for you to accept that mild anxiety?

these are just two possible examples and each would need a different approach


but non judgmental curiosity always helps


Edited by Freedom (11/29/23 08:47 AM)


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton] * 1
    #28575221 - 12/09/23 01:26 AM (1 month, 19 days ago)

I was just going to make a thread called "Being labelled a Psychopath" but im gonna add to your thread instead.

I struggle with this too. I take what people say very personally.

For example, last week, this female co-worker of mine were alone together after a shift gathering pot luck. She asked me why i wear earplugs all the time and i said "Its because im sensitive to noise". Then she asked "Do you listen to music or podcasts?". I was like "No, i just like ir silent". So she finally says "Ohhhh, so you're a psychopath?". In the moment, it didnt bother me that much but today and Thursday, it just bothered me to no end. How dare she label me when she barely even knows me?

Ive realized in my life that Im quite empathic. My Mom has psychic abilities so being empathic must be my genetic expression of it. I can barely watch some Anime's, shows or movies because if the story gets too sad and traumatic, it affects my mood too intensely and i have to stop watching it or I will get emotionally overwhelmed.

My only advice is being prepared and expose yourself to as much as you can to personal attacks to build up resistence and fortitude. Practice learning how to deal with the emotions. Treat it like an illness that you can build up resistence to.

I once listened to an interview of Lil Jon talking about a fan degrading one of his Rap songs online and he said it really affected him negatively. I think its a pretty common experience to go thru intense feelings when people target you personally. Its a shitty but common feeling.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
    #28575268 - 12/09/23 04:04 AM (1 month, 19 days ago)

I guess I am a psychopath too, hahaha, I love it silent, but I make no efforts to shut people up.
I am not desensitizing myself by exposing to abuse or negativity, however. I am not that bad.
also
when I am sitting in meditation, I use the sounds to keep myself attentive in the moment. I am aware of them but do not react to them, except to keep my general awareness sharp. I do not appeal to my wife to be quiet - usually she has some exercise routine going on video, so it is usually not quiet. I am not annoyed or self-important about the noise people or trucks or machines make.

the other night, my wife went to sleep in the next room. my desk is in a hallway alcove right near the laundry, and the dryer kept going and going.
I started humming and singing quietly with it.
it was exquisite.

I am partly deaf, what do I know about sound?


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InvisiblePinkerton
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 3
    #28575374 - 12/09/23 07:07 AM (1 month, 19 days ago)

Quote:

LogicaL Chaos said:
I was just going to make a thread called "Being labelled a Psychopath" but im gonna add to your thread instead.

I struggle with this too. I take what people say very personally.

For example, last week, this female co-worker of mine were alone together after a shift gathering pot luck. She asked me why i wear earplugs all the time and i said "Its because im sensitive to noise". Then she asked "Do you listen to music or podcasts?". I was like "No, i just like ir silent". So she finally says "Ohhhh, so you're a psychopath?". In the moment, it didnt bother me that much but today and Thursday, it just bothered me to no end. How dare she label me when she barely even knows me?

Ive realized in my life that Im quite empathic. My Mom has psychic abilities so being empathic must be my genetic expression of it. I can barely watch some Anime's, shows or movies because if the story gets too sad and traumatic, it affects my mood too intensely and i have to stop watching it or I will get emotionally overwhelmed.

My only advice is being prepared and expose yourself to as much as you can to personal attacks to build up resistence and fortitude. Practice learning how to deal with the emotions. Treat it like an illness that you can build up resistence to.

I once listened to an interview of Lil Jon talking about a fan degrading one of his Rap songs online and he said it really affected him negatively. I think its a pretty common experience to go thru intense feelings when people target you personally. Its a shitty but common feeling.



Such a sensitive soul you are, LC! :heart: I am too.


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #28575383 - 12/09/23 07:17 AM (1 month, 19 days ago)

Quote:

LogicaL Chaos said:
I was just going to make a thread called "Being labelled a Psychopath" but im gonna add to your thread instead.

I struggle with this too. I take what people say very personally.

For example, last week, this female co-worker of mine were alone together after a shift gathering pot luck. She asked me why i wear earplugs all the time and i said "Its because im sensitive to noise". Then she asked "Do you listen to music or podcasts?". I was like "No, i just like ir silent". So she finally says "Ohhhh, so you're a psychopath?". In the moment, it didnt bother me that much but today and Thursday, it just bothered me to no end. How dare she label me when she barely even knows me?

Ive realized in my life that Im quite empathic. My Mom has psychic abilities so being empathic must be my genetic expression of it. I can barely watch some Anime's, shows or movies because if the story gets too sad and traumatic, it affects my mood too intensely and i have to stop watching it or I will get emotionally overwhelmed.

My only advice is being prepared and expose yourself to as much as you can to personal attacks to build up resistence and fortitude. Practice learning how to deal with the emotions. Treat it like an illness that you can build up resistence to.

I once listened to an interview of Lil Jon talking about a fan degrading one of his Rap songs online and he said it really affected him negatively. I think its a pretty common experience to go thru intense feelings when people target you personally. Its a shitty but common feeling.




It's common for empaths to seek silence. It can be very overwhelming to them.
Its also a good way to keep yourself calm. Empath or not.
I seek solitude often. No music, no sound ... nothing .
Alone


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InvisibleRahz
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton] * 1
    #28575389 - 12/09/23 07:24 AM (1 month, 19 days ago)

Psychopathy has become an interesting topic to me because it's both well defined and vague. Within the concept of the high functioning psychopath is the idea that while they are born with lower empathetic ability how they turn out is largely a function of how they were raised. Everyone's road map of customs is to some degree influenced by what they were taught as well as social feedback.

Using these ideas it would seem that the psychopath is perhaps more likely to turn to sociopathic behavior in the right conditions, and perhaps a natural psychopath makes for a different breed of sociopath.

If a person has low natural empathy is this a bad thing? They might seem more mentally stable.

At any rate, these days using the term sociopath seems more of a direct insult or if not meant as an insult a more direct indicator of anti-social behavior.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Rahz]
    #28575581 - 12/09/23 09:19 AM (1 month, 19 days ago)

Psychopath means inconvenient


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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
    #28575677 - 12/09/23 10:29 AM (1 month, 19 days ago)

Quote:

LogicaL Chaos said:
I was just going to make a thread called "Being labelled a Psychopath" but im gonna add to your thread instead.

I struggle with this too. I take what people say very personally.

For example, last week, this female co-worker of mine were alone together after a shift gathering pot luck. She asked me why i wear earplugs all the time and i said "Its because im sensitive to noise". Then she asked "Do you listen to music or podcasts?". I was like "No, i just like ir silent". So she finally says "Ohhhh, so you're a psychopath?". In the moment, it didnt bother me that much but today and Thursday, it just bothered me to no end. How dare she label me when she barely even knows me?

Ive realized in my life that Im quite empathic. My Mom has psychic abilities so being empathic must be my genetic expression of it. I can barely watch some Anime's, shows or movies because if the story gets too sad and traumatic, it affects my mood too intensely and i have to stop watching it or I will get emotionally overwhelmed.

My only advice is being prepared and expose yourself to as much as you can to personal attacks to build up resistence and fortitude. Practice learning how to deal with the emotions. Treat it like an illness that you can build up resistence to.

I once listened to an interview of Lil Jon talking about a fan degrading one of his Rap songs online and he said it really affected him negatively. I think its a pretty common experience to go thru intense feelings when people target you personally. Its a shitty but common feeling.




what makes your self image so important to you?


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Freedom]
    #28576120 - 12/09/23 04:56 PM (1 month, 18 days ago)

I dunno, i guess i dont want people to think Im a psychopath when Im not :shrug:


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Pinkerton]
    #28576156 - 12/09/23 05:24 PM (1 month, 18 days ago)

I completely understand.
I do the same.
In my past it will control me.
I realized a lot is from shame, being shamed and shamed as a child.
And for me, I know others it wont resonate with them. I saw an astrologer who showed me a placement I have and said I allow what others say to hurt me.
Sooo true
I have to consciously make an effort for ot not to hurt me or stop me from doing things.
Could be something small like that girl said to you to someone gossiping about me.
It really hurts me
I am a confident person but some things knock the wind out of me.
I've learned everyone does it to different degrees


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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: LyleChipperson]
    #28576989 - 12/10/23 12:36 PM (1 month, 18 days ago)

Quote:

LyleChipperson said:

Why do you place so much importance on other people's words and opinions?




Ah, the holy grail of insight and wisdom!

Quote:

LyleChipperson said:

You may see these words directed towards you, but when someone speaks to you, they are mostly speaking to themselves. Their point of view is always based on their own awareness and understanding. So they will never be able to see the complete you, same as you will never be able to see the complete them.




:thumbup:

Quote:

LyleChipperson said:

Words have a lot of power, yet they can also have none.




:thumbup::thumbup:

Quote:

LyleChipperson said:

In an altercation, I may call you a stupid cunt, that doesn't make you one. It just means that I see you as one, but that is just my opinion and not a fact.




:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:

OK, I'll stop now.

Great post.  Not to imply you are great.  My mind interprets your words as great.


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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: RJ Tubs 202] * 1
    #28577160 - 12/10/23 02:24 PM (1 month, 17 days ago)

I'll share how i might work with this kind of thing

First I notice in such a situation I would probably be reactive, so I'd wait for a calm mind before exploring (the reactivity really confuse things, like creating a sense of conflict, thinking that one view is right and one wrong, concretizing ideas and position

When the mind calms around such a thing, the way its viewed changes. sometimes just calming is enough, and then its like a joke, it seems funny I'd take that thing so seriously.

if it doesn't drop with calming, it means the thought is sticky. For me this usually means I'm afraid of experiencing something. in this case i might be afraid of experiencing the thought that someone i care about judges me and the feelings that come with it. so I might genetly let my mind open a little to scary possibilitites, and with that calmness explore and feel what im afraid to feel. Sometimes just feeling that takes away the stickiness

there are also may be other things at play. like for me i had some tough childhood stuff, and so a critical remark can fool me into overlaying the associations from the past onto the present. this can take a lot of exploring to find, although one direct way that works sometimes is be simply focusing on the direct sensation of the feeling of hurt or pain or fear or whatever. Without interpreting it at all. Sometimes its like going into the sensation, then the sensation goes through a change, there is a sense of catharsis or release, and then a memory or understanding might appear after the release. Like oh yeah that person that made fun of me as a kid, I was projecting that

another way is to see the story from a perspective outside of the story. like we usually imagine we are in the story, we are the subject and the story is really happening. but its possible (and i don't know how to explain how) to see the story from outside the story. From that perspective it looses its grip. The stories and thoughts and stuff still appear, but they can be laughable, or seen as just a story, use it if you like leave alone if you like

another thing is the attachment system. we learn how to relate to others by our caregivers (parents usually), and sometimes that learning process gets messed up and can cause reactivity. like maybe i got punished when i wasn't good, so internalize that idea for all my relationships, and so when someone says im a psychopath, even if its a joke, i might think they are my dad or mom about to punish me.

i think there will always be level of insecurity as long as we are identified with something that is always changing


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Freedom]
    #28578157 - 12/11/23 06:57 AM (1 month, 17 days ago)

How can I implement these cognitive strategies if I lack free will?

Oh, sorry - wrong thread  :wink:


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28578178 - 12/11/23 07:22 AM (1 month, 17 days ago)

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
How can I implement these cognitive strategies if I lack free will?

Oh, sorry - wrong thread  :wink:



obviously they become a contextual reflex


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OfflineFreedom
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28578396 - 12/11/23 10:13 AM (1 month, 17 days ago)

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
How can I implement these cognitive strategies if I lack free will?

Oh, sorry - wrong thread  :wink:





"you" can't, but the brain might


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: How do i care less what people say to me? [Re: Freedom]
    #28578438 - 12/11/23 10:58 AM (1 month, 17 days ago)

If it makes sense and you do not stand in the way of it, then it happens.


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