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Detritivore Registered: 11/02/11 Posts: 6,812 Loc: 29.9792Β° N, 31.1342Β° E Last seen: 49 seconds |
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Friends of mine know me well enough to know that I've not had it easy. In my continual effort to help myself to help my loved ones, I have done things to my mind that even seasoned users would not consider.
I won't get into the details of my ptsd event in 2021, but its safe to say that it distorted my reality and I have been working tirelessly for my loved ones to merge back onto the path of happiness and normality. To summarize, I was party to an attempted murder case and mutilated within millimeters of my life with a hunting knife by a particularly troubled person bent on killing someone. Anyone. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. First of all I want to tell everyone that I am sorry for my recklessness and selfishness. Im no stranger to drugs. I've done nearly every conventional street drug as well as every pharmaceutical. I've done ayahuasca, bufo, dmt, mdma, 2ci, 2cb, lsd, mescaline, mushrooms, amphetamine, crack, heroin, ketamine, 5meo-pcp mxe, dxm and pcp. All manner of benzos and depressants. My highest mushroom dose was around 16g. highest LSD dosage was around 44 hits in a 24 hour period. I have done four separate ketamine infusions in a clinical setting ranging from 130mg to 190mg intravenously. I realize this morning that I am having some difficulty allocating my memories and processing the psychological fallout of this accidental experience so I decided I needed to write and talk about it with someone. I don't think I can speak with my therapist about this yet. Beloved moderators, please move this thread to where ever you see it fit. Nothing on earth could have prepared me for what I experienced with o-pce. I need everyone to understand that this didn't happen deliberately and I feel a tremendous amount of shame and embarrassment so please withhold judgement and and ridicule. Understanding that 10mg is a moderate dose, and 30mg being a heroic dose, I initially took 10mg sublingual/orally. I remember enjoying the initial experience after 36 minutes. Easily the most euphoric feeling I have ever felt. It did feel similar to mxe or ketamine but found myself unable to think clearly. I called my girlfriend and told her that I was scared. She left work and came over. Somewhere here I must have gotten back into the bag and taken a lot more. It is my guess that I was attempting to take another 10mg and in my drug addled mind made a critical error to the tune of 108mg. Totaling 118mg. Nearly 4x the recommended heroic dose. I didn't discover this until the next day when I weighed the remainder of my bag. I'm still putting together the pieces of what happened now and more information keeps flooding back to me. My girlfriend found me in a catatonic state. I apparently was able to at least say her name and asked some questions. "what am I? Am I dead? What are we? What is this?" etc What I do remember is a mutated dimension of abstraction and metallic noise and sensation. I could "see" but didn't understand what I was seeing. My consciousness went though a play-doh extruder. All photons and matter was melded into a warped universe of pure sensation and emotion. Shame. Fear. Malice. My consciousness changing in an almost a lockstep pattern into writhing and unknowable shapes. A pure realm of sensation and utter confusion. I would look up to my girlfriend and although she was familiar, I wasn't sure what she was. Not sure what I was. I was this barbie-doll colored mess. I did regain an ego and sense of self at some-point at sundown. I knew that something was terribly wrong. I could sense the fear and pain of my girlfriend despite her best attempts to remain calm. I began to realize what had happened. I thought I had broken my brain permanently but in the confusion, wondering if I had always been this way. I began to think "so this is what its like to be a vegetable". Everyone has seen one such human like this at least, and I thought "well thats me now forever". It was like this maddening game. A puzzle of infinite possibility. I almost began to accept that this was the afterlife. Maybe a purgatory or something. Sometime in the dark with the lights turned down low, I got a grip on my my consciousness. I remember the very moment as though I had found a well hidden Easter egg. "oh look i think its there. Yes I think thats it" I sat up in bed and said "Jesus fucking Christ". My girlfriend said my name and I said "thats my name, isn't it?" She said "yes thats you." We both cried for some time. She told me later that she had accepted that I would be gone forever. She was thinking about how she would begin to tell my friends and family. I lay there. Hot and glowing like a crashed meteor on the earth trying to understand. Trying to remember what I was, what I was trying to do with my existence. The sound. I'll never forget the metallic sound. As though all sound waves were first recorded somewhere else then played though a megaphone behind a field of bronze symbols and bells. I hate to admit that it felt good. I felt grateful to be anything at all. I felt so bad for my girlfriend. We showered. she asked what I was looking at as I was staring at the shower-head. "not looking, listening". I said. The metallic electronic buzz of it. I wondered if it would always be this way. I did manage to fall asleep after the shower. So sorry. Sorry ashamed. So embarrassed. So grateful. I have nothing else to say about the experience at this time. I'll be stepping away from dissociatives permanently as well as taking a break from pretty much everything else at this time, maybe even coffee. I want all of my friends here to know that I am okay and I am actually excited to begin a new chapter of myself. I am reminded of my favorite book today. Watership Down, by Richard Adams. If you haven't read it, I do strongly recommend it. I've read this book five times at different intervals of my life and each time it means something different to me. Its about a group of rabbits whos home and township was destroyed by excavators and bulldozers to make way for a human habitat. In their journey to find "home" again, they encounter all sorts of dangers and other rabbits. One such rabbit, Silverweed tells them a poem one night while they took shelter as guests from a storm: "The wind is blowing, blowing over the grass. It shakes the willow catkins; the leaves shine silver. Where are you going, wind? Far, far away Over the hills, over the edge of the world. Take me with you, wind, high over the sky. I will go with you, I will be rabbit-of-the-wind, Into the sky, the feathery sky and the rabbit. The stream is running, running over the gravel, Through the brooklime, the kingcups, the blue and gold of spring. Where are you going, stream? Far, far away Beyond the heather, sliding away all night. Take me with you, stream, away in the starlight. I will go with you, I will be rabbit-of-the-stream, Down through the water, the green water and the rabbit. In autumn the leaves come blowing, yellow and brown. They rustle in the ditches, they tug and hang on the hedge. Where are you going, leaves? Far, far away Into the earth we go, with the rain and the berries. Take me, leaves, O take me on your dark journey. I will go with you, I will be rabbit-of-the-leaves, In the deep places of the earth, the earth and the rabbit. Frith lies in the evening sky. The clouds are red about him. I am here, Lord Frith, I am running through the long grass. O take me with you, dropping behind the woods, Far away, to the heart of light, the silence. For I am ready to give you my breath, my life, The shining circle of the sun, the sun and the rabbit." -------------------- Edited by BeefSupremeJr (10/19/23 01:31 PM)
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Registered: 02/24/23 Posts: 82 Last seen: 1 day, 17 hours |
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Thank you for being transparent and self aware about sharing this experience. You here with us, and were here with you. No doubt you have something watching over you from above. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be beat yourself up over. It happened and your ok. Thats all that matters. Rethink, Regroup, and Reattain. Again thanks for sharing.
Your obviously loved.
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Registered: 05/25/20 Posts: 5,322 |
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I don't even know what o-pce is. I am not familiar at all with it.
I am so happy that you survived. Allow your brain to heal, be cautious with taking anything, tylenol, caffeine, etc. Treat it the same as you would anytime you have a brain injury. What an experience... wow. Your girlfriend sounds like an amazing, beautiful, kind and empathetic soul.
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Detritivore Registered: 11/02/11 Posts: 6,812 Loc: 29.9792Β° N, 31.1342Β° E Last seen: 49 seconds |
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she is. o-pce is an aesthetic dissociative. 10x stronger than pcp.
--------------------
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Registered: 05/25/20 Posts: 5,322 |
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wow
Thats... I cant comprehend it because I have nothing to compare it to. I would treat your brain like it has a TBI, allow it to heal. Your story is intriguing. have you tried EMDR for the PTSD? I had success with it. --------------------
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Detritivore Registered: 11/02/11 Posts: 6,812 Loc: 29.9792Β° N, 31.1342Β° E Last seen: 49 seconds |
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yes.
--------------------
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Above And Beyond! Registered: 04/21/22 Posts: 2,852 Loc: Luckenbach Texas |
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My friend I am glad you are OK. This world is too messed up for it/us to loose such a unique loving kindred soul. I hope The breath of fresh air and a new brings you back to a path once diverted.
The path you are destined to travel. With its many twists and turns the side paths are hard to pass up with their cleared brush, flat terrain and seemingly bountiful rewards. Alas they all end at a fork leading to one another making it ever harder to find the true path again. Happy to be walking down the good path with you again my friend. You Are Loved!!! HBO -------------------- π π΄ π° πΌ π² π» πΈ π½ πΆ π π π° πΏ TEAM SPREAD THE LOVE! Smellyhobbit said: Embarrassment and bashfulness are leeches on your ability to learn.
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Detritivore Registered: 11/02/11 Posts: 6,812 Loc: 29.9792Β° N, 31.1342Β° E Last seen: 49 seconds |
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Quote: thanks hbo. love you brother --------------------
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Wired Registered: 08/23/23 Posts: 108 Loc: P2X-3YZ Last seen: 3 days, 56 minutes |
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My friend,
you are a true hero, being able to look at your experiences with such maturity. And by experiences I with your agression and that OD. You have to strength to look at your mistakes and learn from them to be a better human being and not only for yourself but also for every fuckin living creature in this world. Wish you the best of the best you deserve it. With love and compassion Travel'ed --------------------
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Stranger Registered: 03/10/20 Posts: 2,478 Loc: Central Megalopolis Last seen: 4 hours, 55 minutes |
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Ooof.
That's a rough one. There's nothing to be ashamed of, though. These things happen. You've obviously got a lot to sort out and process, and your girlfriend had to deal with it, too. But at the end of the day, you took a substance in the privacy of your own home and rode it out. Didn't hurt yourself or anyone else, didn't bother your neighbors, didn't even require medical attention. Sure, most people have never heard of the substance you OD'ed on. And messing around with synthetic dissociative drugs as strong as that one is fraught with hazards. Such as getting high and then going back for more, and screwing up the math. It would take me a long time to live that one down. But on the other hand, how many people drink themselves into the ICU or drive while blacked out drunk? How many insane drunken fights have I seen? And that all typically involves a conscious decision to keep pushing past a sane point, and then to keep going past that one. I only bring that up because, in my personal experience, overdoses/blackouts/freakouts on psychedelics or dissociatives have always involved errors in calculation, compounded by inadvisable redoses. And while they led to subjectively difficult experiences, I don't think I can put them in the same category as other incidents. Complacent clerical errors and failure to keep drugs out of reach of the child you've become is not exactly the same as going off the rails on other shit. I did enough stuff like this earlier in my life to be extra cautious about dosing, and always start out very low and slow. The only two things I go overboard on now are weed and coffee, but that's really just because I've experienced the worst-case scenario with those so many times that I don't fear it. I usually nibble on mushrooms like a rabbit. Haven't done more than half a tab of acid in over a decade. So, yeah, I'm good. No drug-induced psychosis for me. But before I get too smug and superior over all that, I should mention that I've pushed so hard in other areas, all stupid, that I've created my own neurological nightmare. Sleep deprivation, long working hours, completely avoidable malnutrition and hyponatremia, anxieties I allowed to fester for years, too much screen time, and half a dozen other lifestyle factors that I utterly failed to manage have led me to the point where I now have to worry about having seizures. And the thing is, I can still totally avoid them if I just take care of myself and pay attention to risk factors and warning signs. Which means that every single time I have a seizure, once the fog and amnesia and general shittiness subside, I realize that I could have died. And then I feel incredibly stupid and ashamed for having failed to take care of myself. And for having burdened my wife and/or anyone else who had to deal with the situation. But still, really, it just amounts to the same thing: getting caught up in the moment, and failing to get the math right. Anyway, point being, we all end up fucking our brains and bodies one way or another. This is tough to process, but nobody who matters would think any less of you for it. And I think you'll be no worse for the wear in the long run. We both know that you could be coping with that previous trauma in much worse ways...
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tea sipping Registered: 06/28/06 Posts: 1,022 Loc: Vienna Last seen: 1 hour, 42 minutes |
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oh my.
could u elaborate on straight PCP on this occasion? what effects have you had? also compared to ketamine or even o-pce
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Do U know who yur fuckin with? Registered: 10/18/17 Posts: 4,522 Loc: |
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I saw this right when I needed to leave for work so I'll have to come read it later
Hard is the way and long is the road that leads from hell up to light -------------------- Pastywhyte's easy no pour agar dishes YOUR NEXT FAVORITE ALBUM Stallion Mangβs Ween covers
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Mage Registered: 02/06/02 Posts: 86,793 |
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Quote: oooh God what hardship! that mustve been so inredibly intense, and will have had a disconnected moment where you were on screensaver. So sorry to hear your first session was so brutal. With O-PCE even I with my tolerance hole at 30mg. Take ample time and effort to process it O-PCE already is relatively harsh but you took it in beast mode. Drink plenty of water.
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Detritivore Registered: 11/02/11 Posts: 6,812 Loc: 29.9792Β° N, 31.1342Β° E Last seen: 49 seconds |
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Quote: Yes my poor girlfriend. In the depths of the chaos, as my own sense of self was oscillating, my love for her was the only thing tangible. I didn't know what she was but I knew that I loved her. "are you an angel? Am I dead? Am I hell?" I would ask. Quote: Yes Im still not sure what happened. Its unlike me to make math mistakes in my right mind so what I think happened is a compulsive re-dose. I took 11 initially, decided I wanted to go 20 so trying to take another ten while fucked up, I took 110. (i don't like the number 10 so I'll always opt for either 11 or 9) Quote: This is valid. Im thankful that at no point did I become violent or angry. Its simply not part of my nature anymore and if anything positive came of this, its that. At one point my girlfriend said my pulse was around 180bpm and thought about calling an ambulance but assumed I was just afraid. Poor girl is still struggling with the guilt of that but she didn't want to make things worse. She made the right call but convincing her of that now has been difficult. Quote: This is an accurate assessment. I think what Im most ashamed of is that I did this all unsupervised. The level of comfort of which I have surrounding solo drug use is concerning to my loved ones. Quote: Same honestly. Particularly after my incident. I haven't don't more than 1/4 tab in many years. I drink a limit of one small cup of coffee per day. The largest dose of mushrooms I have taken in many years is 1.5g of semps. I don't smoke weed because it frankly frightens me. Im prone to panic. Quote: Me too which makes this experience all the more embarrassing. Im too old for it. I've spilled and lost more than most the kids these days have ever seen. Im supposed to know better. Quote: Damn B, I am sorry to hear this. I will say that aside from this one reckless mishap, I do take care of my body as best I can. I do eat a raw salad every day and a lot of grass-fed fats and protein. I keep sugar to a minimum. I've read many books about nutrition and for the most part, I do try to practice what I preach. I run between 6-12 miles every week and I exercise at the boxing gym four times a week. I always try to get 8 hours of rest. I will be honest that a large part of the reason for this is that I know I need to mitigate the damage that I cause to myself with my drug-use. Quote: The thing about this stuff is that its so powerful that its impossible to eye-ball. Its 10x stronger than ketamine by weight or pcp. So 110mg probably didnt look all that intimidating to someone whos already fucked up. Quote: I hope so. Im still struggling with the memories of it. I had a long night last night because I woke up with a sudden memory of something and I am still unable to get it out of my head. Im no stranger to trauma and lingering memories. Its really not much different than being stabbed. The memory of trying to scream with lungs full of blood stuck with me for a long time. The sound the blood made spraying inside my gortex jacket. The way I could hear my own voice coming from the wounds. These memories were equally as frightening as some of the memories from this experience and I know that in time they will be integrated and smoothed over. Quote: For sure. Thank you for that grace. I've always admired you B and I really appreciate that time you took to read and respond. Bless you man. You're one in 10 billion. --------------------
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Detritivore Registered: 11/02/11 Posts: 6,812 Loc: 29.9792Β° N, 31.1342Β° E Last seen: 49 seconds |
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Quote: Thank you Asante. Yes I also have a high tolerance which is why I think i compulsively tried to up my dose to 20. I must've liked it but I have no memory of doing this. I can't seen to drink enough water the last two days. --------------------
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Mage Registered: 02/06/02 Posts: 86,793 |
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If you can tolerate dairy, throw in a lot of milk.
Milk and yoghurt have detoxifying action. 1-2gr vit C can help pull the substance into your urine. how is your mind holding up?
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Detritivore Registered: 11/02/11 Posts: 6,812 Loc: 29.9792Β° N, 31.1342Β° E Last seen: 49 seconds |
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I had a long night last night and I wanted to write about it before it became a wash again. I awoke late last night with my heart beating out of my chest in a certain memory. Centered around the world "smile"
I couldn't remember last night if my girlfriend had said it or I said it, but somehow the word itself triggered a memory of my own sense of self oscillating in and out. Off and On. I would become aware of existence for small windows of time and this was I think the first window that truly terrified me. I think I asked my girlfriend to smile at me. Her face. It could have been microscopic or it could have been the size of a planet and I'd have no way of knowing. I didn't know what she was but I knew that I loved her. Everything existing in horizontal rectangles. I have no way of elaborating on that. Electronic voices of no meaning at all. I asked her about it this morning and she did remember. She started to cry. She said I did ask her to smile. I asked her "am I dead? Are you an angel?" I asked her if there was music. She said yes, that I was playing one of my ambient playlists. I remember the sound but I didn't know it was music nor would I have had any concept of what music was. I simply thought it was the sound of my mind falling to pieces. To call this experience a "hole" doesn't come close. I love a good hole by definition can be described from a perspective. Descriptions are made from observations and observations by definition have perspective. This was so far beyond a "hole" that I have no way of really describing it and its frustrating. I wish I was a cartoonist. I could take a better shot at describing the mutilated landscapes of chaos that was my consciousness. I said before that my consciousness was pressed through an extrusion into unknowable shapes. Shifting and writhing in lockstep. I think oscillation is a better way to put it. Its almost like someone was watching with a TV remote changing the frequency and shape of my consciousness. At about the same pace you would change the TV channels deciding that each channel wasn't what you were interested in. Only to realize nothing good was on and powering the set off and I would be swept back into a void of nothing for another while. When I finally stabilized consciousness in the strict sense of the word I thought weeks or even months had gone by. I assumed everyone knew I was a vegetable by then. I remember saying "kill me" and I really hope my girlfriend didn't hear me but I am still too afraid to ask. I will say that I don't think I would have made it back without the tangibility of the love I have for her and her for me. It sounds cringey but love is a seriously powerful thing. Even with the mind of an insect, I somehow still felt love. I find myself unsatisfied with my descriptions and what I have written here and frustratingly realize that I don't have anything else to say for now. Thanks everyone for your compassion and grace. I love you all and I am so grateful to be anything at all. --------------------
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Detritivore Registered: 11/02/11 Posts: 6,812 Loc: 29.9792Β° N, 31.1342Β° E Last seen: 49 seconds |
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Quote: I am one of those guys that drinks milk at 41 years old. I have some airborn and emergen-c. Ill get right on that thank you Asante. My mind? Well see my last post please but. Im struggling a bit to cope with it. Dissociative is the correct word for the class of drugs. We make sense of the world by associating little bits of knowledge and stimuli into categories to make sense of the world. I never realized how precious my associations really are and I don't think I will be tampering with them again. To be alive without associations is a purgatory that I am struggling to have witnessed and lived through. But I am trying. One thing about me as that--all my self deprecation aside--I am tough. --------------------
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Detritivore Registered: 11/02/11 Posts: 6,812 Loc: 29.9792Β° N, 31.1342Β° E Last seen: 49 seconds |
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Quote: I'm not totally sure what you're asking but it seems like you're asking for a straight comparison of the three drugs and I'm afraid I can't really do that unless you have a frame of reference. As a child growing up in the 80's, i remember the anti-drug commercials. I imagined them to be something very different from what I later experienced with pot, lsd, cocaine etc. I imagined they to make me feel like I was a magical being. Dissociates actually are that drug you imagined as a kid. --------------------
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Stranger Registered: 03/10/20 Posts: 2,478 Loc: Central Megalopolis Last seen: 4 hours, 55 minutes |
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Quote: That is a brilliant way to put it. -------------------- Beware of advice- even this.
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Your obviously loved.
shroomery 