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Anonymous #1

I'm totally lost * 3
    #28494415 - 10/06/23 12:56 PM (3 months, 21 days ago)

I'm really lost in my life. My drug addiction is totally fucking me up. It's no one drug. I binge from one thing to the next to the next in a cycle, which has sort of enabled me to stay functional longer than I otherwise would have, but either with or without drugs I just feel like a hollow shell of my former self now. I went to rehab and 12 step and alternative recovery programs numerous times when I was younger and had support from my family. Any kind of chemical solution, be it mushrooms or ketamine or whatever, I have just integrated into my abuse cycle. They are still alive but live so far away and are old and I would never want to burden them again. I try going to meetings every so often but they just do nothing but make me cry, there is no subsequent motivation.

I used to be so healthy exuberant and interested in so many things and now I just live in a constant state of fear/panic. I used to self harm and came close to suicide a couple of times when I was much younger and whenever the thought crosses my mind it just makes me cry, I could not even do that, even as broken as I am some people care deeply about me and I could never do that to them..

I feel like I'm just going to end up being homeless and alone forever at any moment. I keep trying to stop. It's so hard.


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OfflineKryptos
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Re: I'm totally lost [Re: Anonymous #1] * 4
    #28494529 - 10/06/23 02:45 PM (3 months, 20 days ago)

Perhaps you should break the cycle?

Distant family is kinda helpful in this regard. Change of scenery. Then you just need to not find new sources of drugs. Find another way to spend your time. Ever try painting a picture? Shit is wild, man. Ask any art store employee, 40$ will set you up with the basics for acrylics.

Living sober is the hard part. Finding interests requires doing random shit you haven't done before. I think that's the purpose of those meetings, to be honest. It's something to do on a regular schedule with other people. It is a "hobby" in which you talk about...whatever, I dunno, I haven't ever gone to one. Point is, it's a regular event that helps give your life structure as well as something to do.

Now you just need to find other things to do too.

See, that's the thing about drugs. Drugs are great. They pass the time, they're gonna work, they always provide a specific, predictable, feeling. Drugs are the equivalent of putting the LOTR extended cut on and flopping on the couch on a Saturday. You've seen this before, you know what's gonna happen, and you know that it's gonna take up the next 12 hours.

Finding interesting stuff to do isn't like that. It actually kinda sucks a lot of the time. Often very boring. Then you kinda start figuring it out, and it becomes less boring.


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OnlineBlue Cthulhu
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Re: I'm totally lost [Re: Kryptos] * 1
    #28500737 - 10/11/23 08:08 PM (3 months, 15 days ago)

Sounds like you could use more support. Meetings are good, but how about getting a sponsor and getting disciplined about the steps. And how about getting an individual psychotherapist. I understand you don't want to burden your family, but if they're good people, you should try to involve them at least a little, and draw on their good will. Don't deprive yourself of the help that is out there. THere is a lot of love, but it's difficult to see through our own darkness. Peace and love to you! Remembering what it was like to be happy may be painful, but it might also give you some clues as to how to recover that part of yourself. Addiction is a bitch.


--------------------
"Things are true that I forget, but no one taught that to me yet." :aliendance:
A disembodied-re-embodied consciousness be-ing
(With all the accoutrements.)


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OfflinegeokillsA
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Re: I'm totally lost [Re: Anonymous #1] * 4
    #28509253 - 10/18/23 10:16 AM (3 months, 9 days ago)

You have received some thoroughly thoughtful responses already here, and I would encourage you to reread them and take them to heart. :heartpump:

One thing that comes to mind for me to add or emphasize is that you already know that you have the capacity to live a life "healthy, exuberant and interested in so many things", because you have admitted to already having been that person.

Now I understand, life takes its turns, we can lose our way and become unsure, anxieties creep in and can feed a negative cycle of hopelessness where we begin to not only look for but rely on our easy escapes, often addiction or generally reckless behaviors, in hopes that the anticipated rush might shake off the gloom and recalibrate our mental state, even when we recognize these effects may be short lived.  In the darkest spaces of mind, we might engage these behaviors because we have stopped caring almost entirely.

So I would ask and encourage you, to think back and utilize your memory of the person you know you have been in the past.  You cannot expect to be exactly that person again of course, but you can use the knowledge of what you did and where you went, as a tool to influence and guide your course today and forever.  What activities did you enjoy that positively affected your health?  What knowledge, ideas and experiences stoked your intrigue and excitement to dive deeper?

Make a commitment to yourself to lay down the easy escapes for a predetermined amount of time, whatever amount of time works for you.  I would suggest starting with at least two days, but you could make it a few days, a week, a month, whatever you believe is reasonably obtainable, even as you acknowledge it will also be a challenge.  Then, construct a list of those things (e.g. activities, experiences, arts, foods, peoples, places) that you are able draw from the memory of yourself as a more fulfilled, engaged and happy individual.

Make it a point to really focus your energy on at least one of these things each day.  If you enjoyed playing a musical instrument but have long since let it gather dust, make it a point to pick it back up, even if only for 15 minutes.  If you enjoyed hiking and exploring through nature but have instead made the easy trade toward exercising on stationary equipment and watching nature documentaries on Netflix, get your ass back out under the sun.  If you have friends whom you have shared meaningful connections with but have let the easy excuses of life/relationships/work get in the way of time well spent, reach out to them, even if it's only a simple phone call, but that call may rekindle a fire of mutually beneficial experience that brings renewed meaning to all of the involved parties.

But also remember to keep your expectations restrained and be easy on yourself.  You might get a blister when you pick up the guitar again.  You might get a sunburn or sprain an ankle on that hike.  Your old friends may be too comfortable in their own seclusions to create any new and meaningful shared moments with you.  That's all ok.  The point is to practice acceptance and tolerance where you have little to no control, while simultaneously using the power of your own thoughtful intelligence to actively seek out potentially positive experiences in your life, in efforts to minimize and disrupt the more isolating and/or self-destructive experiences that you may have made a habit of.

And just for the record, I have plenty of my own struggles and dissatisfactions with life.  I get frustrated, I turn to the easy escapes on the regular.  But I also get off my ass again and get out there.  Even if it's just to walk around the block, or go get some groceries to cook a nice meal.  I know I will fail again, I know there will be suffering, but I also know that there will be light, the capacity for familiar joy and even the increasingly rare but inextricably wonderful novel experience.  You only have to make a habit of pushing yourself a little bit.  With this sustained practice, you might just begin a new positive feedback loop and realize that things aren't as bad as our mind may trick us into believing.

The past may be written, but the future is wide open.  Keep your head up and eyes ahead.

All the best to you as you navigate your path. :sun:


--------------------

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··∙   long live the shroomery  ∙··
...π╥ ╥π...


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Anonymous #1

Re: I'm totally lost [Re: geokills] * 2
    #28509720 - 10/18/23 05:00 PM (3 months, 8 days ago)

Thanks guys. I am feeling a lot better now. Haven't had anything but weed and beer, never more than 2, since making that post. I made that post on the tail end/comedown of a long/lowish level dextroamphetamine and Valium binge (like 25mg/7.5mg per day on average for almost 3 weeks)- stimulant and benzo rebound has always sent me into the worst of depressions. I have still kept falling for the temptation to do it at least 2 or 3x a year. It's just so easy and cheap to get from doctor. But I'm done with that for now at least. I could get more but I'm choosing not to. Hopefully it will stick this time.  Started taking a tiny dose of Prozac again and honestly it's helping a ton, it was a mistake for me to stop all my meds so suddenly last spring. I appreciate all of your thoughts. Unfortunately there isn't much I haven't tried, and usually several times. I'm not super concerned about continuing to use weed/beer in moderation, I feel fine, so for the monent at least, thats where I am


Edited by Anonymous (10/18/23 05:04 PM)


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: I'm totally lost [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #28510373 - 10/19/23 10:26 AM (3 months, 8 days ago)

Misery and confusion often go hand in hand.  Do you know what you need to get out of this rut?  You must answer this question to have a chance to make a strategy.  That you fear being "alone forever" seems like a big clue.  You feel broken.  You are not broken.

Consider new ways to make human connections.


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Offlineeve69
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Re: I'm totally lost [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28597263 - 12/25/23 12:51 AM (1 month, 3 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I'm really lost in my life. My drug addiction is totally fucking me up. It's no one drug. I binge from one thing to the next to the next in a cycle, which has sort of enabled me to stay functional longer than I otherwise would have, but either with or without drugs I just feel like a hollow shell of my former self now

I feel like I'm just going to end up being homeless and alone forever at any moment. I keep trying to stop. It's so hard.




12 stepping and such can only help to the degree that your underlying issues are being met in the first place. it took me 50 years to understand that i have sleep apnea and have had anxiety and headaches because of a physical problem. maybe you also have some underlying physical problem. the ideal thing is to 'know thyself.' to that end make a study of yourself and try to research your issues and see if they come from somewhere that you can actually get some sort of help and support for. help and support is everything. nobody can do much alone.


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...or something







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InvisibleCapSlinger
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Registered: 05/17/11
Posts: 983
Loc: Colorado rocky mountain high Flag
Re: I'm totally lost [Re: eve69] * 1
    #28597312 - 12/25/23 05:20 AM (1 month, 3 days ago)

:emotionalmoment:

Man I love you guys. I love you shroomerry!


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Anonymous #1

Re: I'm totally lost [Re: CapSlinger] * 2
    #28598278 - 12/26/23 05:33 AM (1 month, 2 days ago)

Doing a lot better recently


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Anonymous #2

Re: I'm totally lost [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28598320 - 12/26/23 07:10 AM (1 month, 2 days ago)

Keep on
Self motivation is difficult when you're depressed
Use something to motivate yourself
I know meetings are hard but the good thing is you are doing something, moving forward in this journey
Meeting people like yourself
Even online meetings help
Don't get discouraged it's not easy.
Keep talking here
Were here and listening
Try new things
Find what works for you
There is no cookie cutter way
Consider a sud counselor
Or even a peer counselor
Keep talking
And give yourself credit for what you're doing
It's very difficult
You're doing great
Keep going


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