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spirit_shadow
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Emotional Exhaustion 2
#28493771 - 10/05/23 08:43 PM (3 months, 21 days ago) |
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I don't really expect a response I just need to vent...
I'll try to condense it down. Long story short, I was about to move to the uk to be with my love as we have been together over a decade(she has been here many times but I could never go there as I was taking care of a dying family member), then covid hit and fucked up the travel plans, THEN multiple people closest to me in my family died including my father which I had to deal with alone.
Also, I have previous experience with being cheated on which severely damaged my trust(which I have majorly worked on) but being so far away and alone and for so long, when my girl would talk about things I would get jealous, I don't anymore but she still holds that over me and uses that as an excuse to be cold to me.
All I fucking want is my companion to show love back. I have gotten to the point where I'm about to just say fuck everything. None of this is worth it anymore.
A new companion/family would not work. I don't view people as objects. I can not replace the people I have gained which took a lifetime to gain . So I am just stuck in this hellish loop of me taking the coldness and dealing with everything while no/barely any love is shown....
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TheFakeSunRa
Bitch Splitter



Registered: 03/01/05
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Loc: Dirdy SOUF
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Quote:
I have gotten to the point where I'm about to just say fuck everything. None of this is worth it anymore.
bro i get it, i've been there, just hang on, it's amazing how shit can change
i know i ain't you and nobody knows the future so i can't promise you things will get better but on the flip side you don't know they wont
i was really close to blowing my fucking brains out and now i'm happy af
anyway even though you said you didn't want any replies i still respect you for posting it because that's real shit /
people die people come in and out of our lives people become emotionally distant
but dude new people come in too and they're not replacements they're new chaptors and the connections aren't the same - they might be better or worse but they'll be different and new and where you're at now will fade and a new day will dawn
anyway i wish you the best - even if i'm just words on a screen i'm also a real person that cares so just hang in there don't do anything crazy and let time do its thing
-------------------- [quote]Asante said: You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar. You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason. I disendorse you.[/quote]
Edited by TheFakeSunRa (10/05/23 09:53 PM)
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spirit_shadow
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I appreciate your response. I understand about the new connections and I have made a few new friends but when it comes to my companion that can not be replaced. We have been through so much together and formed a strong bond. She has mental issues as well(like anxiety and depression) which also makes everything so much harder because I know it's not her fault but I still suffer.
It's like what I need annoys her and her mental stuff causes me pain from the lack of showing the kind of emotion I need....it's one of those scenarios where it's nobody's fault, it's just a very very shitty situation....which has been my entire life. I don't like complaining about it but I have never caught a break even once in my life. It has been one dark moment after the next ever since I can remember....sure there were short breaks in between all the bad shit but if I had to put it into numbers I would say a solid 80% has been complete bullshit.
It's almost funny.
Edit: Literally every single person that was the closest to me in this life has died and I even watched it happen with a couple of them with my own eyes....
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Edited by spirit_shadow (10/05/23 10:11 PM)
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TheFakeSunRa
Bitch Splitter



Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 16,449
Loc: Dirdy SOUF
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si=t2YQ4jEiN6xxWUXz
Good times for a change See, the luck I've had Can make a good man Turn bad So please, please, please Let me, let me, let me Let me get what I want This time Haven't had a dream in a long time See, the life I've had Can make a good man bad So for once in my life Let me get what I want Lord knows, it would be the first time Lord knows, it would be the first time
Quote:
Literally every single person that was the closest to me in this life has died and I even watched it happen with a couple of them with my own eyes....
i'm sorry man - i feel like i've had more than my share of deaths but not that many
it's was way back but one of best friends that i loved so dearly killed himself
man i was fucking gutted - still makes me sad - ungetoverable
i had another friend murdered
another suicide - overdoses - other shit
my parents
honestly reading helps me a lot
-------------------- [quote]Asante said: You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar. You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason. I disendorse you.[/quote]
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cubedryeguy
Stranger


Registered: 07/24/15
Posts: 536
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Suffering. It’s something humanity shares on a whole with varying degrees in each life and set of circumstances. It also is the greatest teacher and eventually leads to growth. A relationship will inevitably bring plenty of those lessons. Death of our love ones, even more so.
Nobody can say what’s best for you or your relationship. Educated guesses at best. You’re obviously going through some lessons right now whether it’s learning what situations cause different emotional responses within your body, how you react to those emotional responses, learning what the best responses are to those situations, identifying your recurring thought patterns such as when you were dealing with jealous emotions and etc. Whether your current relationship continues or not all of these lessons that you learn will start to make you into the person that you ultimately want to be. But you’re already that hero right now so quit hiding him and start acting like him. You absolutely got this.
As far as the death part goes my own experience has been strengthening my sense of spirituality and what that means to me. When I get ‘serious’ about it the experiences I have are like little sign posts comforting me along the way no matter how terrifying life gets.
If you are not already doing so my recommendation would be to start a disciplined meditation schedule.
Last but not least big hug to you buddy. We’re all with you and you with us. We got this.
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jack_straw2208
Doctor



Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 3,115
Loc: Earth
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Not gonna offer advice OP, just letting you know you're heard. Life gets pretty hard sometimes. Maybe this thread'll get bumped in 10 years and we'll all be trading recipes and posting pictures of our future GMO space weed.
Sending you a hug and/or heartfelt elbow bump
-------------------- If you can’t tell what you desperately need, it’s probably sleep.
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spirit_shadow
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Thank you all <3
It's just really hard to get out of this head space.
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,797
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Quote:
spirit_shadow said: Also, I have previous experience with being cheated on which severely damaged my trust(which I have majorly worked on) but being so far away and alone and for so long, when my girl would talk about things I would get jealous, I don't anymore but she still holds that over me and uses that as an excuse to be cold to me.
Focusing specifically on this part, if it's long distance it's probably not destined to work. Hek, further than 45 minutes travel time can strain a relation. I don't know if that's relevant to your case.
Sometimes people want to make their partner jealous to feel a sense of being wanted. I think trying to make other people jealous is an insecure behaviour that takes a lot of experience to grow out of.
Not getting jealous is a fine skill to have, and it can show trust in your partner.
I once had an ex bring up things to make me jealous but it ended after I told her I wasn't jealous, just annoyed that she was trying to make me jealous. Things went pretty well after that actually.
People get better at communicating as they age and grow, and cheating is often a symptom of poor communication skills by the perpetrator.
I don't know how she might be holding some of your past jealous over you, but if you're actually over them it should come more naturally to joke about them.
I think that going through the experience of being cheated on can lead to strong boundaries and better recognition of red flags in relationship as well as the importance of open and honest communication. It just means you start looking for people you can find mutual respect in.
If she's holding past jealousy over you, maybe you just have to show her you're not jealous by joking about how you were but you trust her and are comfortable now.
But jealousy isn't envy, envy is fomo and that is not the same as jealousy.
A fear of missing out, in my experience is countered by compersion. So if she's going to the movies with a friend you can be happy for her etc.
If she wants to go to the movies with an ex bf or something suss, then that's what boundaries, open communication, and self respect are for.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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spirit_shadow
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Re: Emotional Exhaustion [Re: sudly] 1
#28495810 - 10/07/23 07:44 PM (3 months, 19 days ago) |
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That was a really good read, thank you <3
We have been together for well over a decade and we do have trust and are on the same page. It's more that I'm jealous that I can't be there in that moment if that makes sense? Either way I know it is irrational and I have done major work on myself and have gotten past that. She is just a fragile being is all and I truly belive she is the person I want to spend my life with in which case I'm willing to go through hell and I can't guerentee I'll survive the journey but if I can make it I know for a fact it will all be worth it....
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spirit_shadow
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I wish I was like other humans, I wish my entire life was controlled by sex like everyone else. It would make it easy to cut her out of my life because I am still getting treated like garbage.....
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jack_straw2208
Doctor



Registered: 02/12/07
Posts: 3,115
Loc: Earth
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I hear you brotha, I'm glad you're you, you are who and where you're supposed to be. One love!
-------------------- If you can’t tell what you desperately need, it’s probably sleep.
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spirit_shadow
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It's getting worse. I am doing nothing but being accommodating and I still don't get affection, in fact I get the opposite. Blamed for suffocating just for wanting basic fucking affection. I'm so done with this life. I could take it if it was just this one issue but it has LITERALLY been shit on this scale one after the other for YEARS and I'm about to my limit on bullshit I can take....
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,797
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I ended my last relationship because I felt there was poor communication and differing goals between us.
I'm less stressed not having to walk on egg shells and be the emotional support of someone else.
While I can be caring for other people and try what I will, I don't want to be responsible for the emotional security of another person at the cost of my own true happiness, and maybe you don't either.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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spirit_shadow
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Re: Emotional Exhaustion [Re: sudly]
#28505944 - 10/15/23 07:14 PM (3 months, 11 days ago) |
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Quote:
sudly said: I ended my last relationship because I felt there was poor communication and differing goals between us.
I'm less stressed not having to walk on egg shells and be the emotional support of someone else.
While I can be caring for other people and try what I will, I don't want to be responsible for the emotional security of another person at the cost of my own true happiness, and maybe you don't either.
That's the thing. I wish I could cut my feelings our but I can't. She means the world to me and I know it's not her fault which is the worst part....nothing in my life has ever been I my control and I just had to take everything life had to throw straight in the face. And now it seems that also applies to my relationship....it sucks because I can't blame her because it part of her depression....without a target I can't properly unload...
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spirit_shadow
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Whenever I try to explain this it is ALWAYS taken as me saying she is the problem and she I'd ready to back out. It's part of her mental issues I know but it is just hell for me and I don't want ro give up something that is precious to me even if I Jake to get dragged through hell....I just had to vent and get others perspectives so seriously, thank you to anyone who replies <3
Edit: you guys are really the only people I have left to talk to on any given day...
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Edited by spirit_shadow (10/15/23 07:29 PM)
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,797
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No you're right, I was in love for 5 years and I still care dearly for my ex. I just recognised that I was becoming more independent in life and that I wasn't treating her as affectionately as I once did to my own occur. I was in love, I enjoyed her company and being so much, I have no regrets, it was the best time of my life being with her. We did so much together and had so many good times, I can never forget her or how I felt for her at the time. But as time went on, and 5 years had passed, I knew we weren't happy anymore, we weren't very experienced with relationships and still had a lot of practice to do before we were able to both communicate ourselves with eachother in a comfortable and understanding environment where none of us feel upset or negatively judged for our actions and decisions.
I had never entertained the idea of cheating on her throughout the 5 years we were together, and I trusted her immensely and still do. She's bright, and beautiful and talented, and I know she's capable of doing well in life.
I fell out of love with someone because I grew in a different life direction to her. I wanted what I wanted in life, and I didn't want to keep trying to live up to the expectations of being responsible for the emotional security of another person other than my own. I started to think that the relationship was feeling draining, and that my partner at the time had recognised this in me.
I think I can say it now clearly, but even then we both understood some things about eachother, and I wish her nothing but the best in life and I absolutely believe she's capable of achieving great things. I'm happy for her.
And I'm happier for myself, and I think we can both acknowledge it was the right thing to do.
I haven't contacted her in 9 months, but I didn't block her on any social media.
I don't react to her images but neither of us post that often. It's nothing in your face, it's just this is what we're like.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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spirit_shadow
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Re: Emotional Exhaustion [Re: sudly]
#28506038 - 10/15/23 08:28 PM (3 months, 11 days ago) |
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That is sad. I'm happy for you but sad because I hope that doesn't happen in my case. I haven't even got a fucking CHANCE to have a normal life with her yet. I would feel robbed on the deepest level if it were to end after putting literally everything I have into getting to her....
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,797
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I already lost the love of my life once before, but that didn't end on such a positive note. I had the rose tinted glasses on tight my man. but kids solidify it so there's no going back.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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spirit_shadow
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Re: Emotional Exhaustion [Re: sudly]
#28506157 - 10/15/23 10:04 PM (3 months, 11 days ago) |
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Quote:
sudly said: I already lost the love of my life once before, but that didn't end on such a positive note. I had the rose tinted glasses on tight my man. but kids solidify it so there's no going back.
I have those bitches surgically implanted...I know the capacity is there so it is not impossible which is why I'm betting my entire being on it. Most people would leave and "feel better" but I would not feel better and in fact would be completely worse. She is the last person from the group of people closest to me in life that has all died. She is literally the only living connection I have left to my past and the people I miss dearly and I would rather die than to lose that....
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,797
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You're that scared of being alone?
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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geokills
∙∙∙∙☼ º¿° ☼∙∙∙∙


Registered: 05/08/01
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Attachment breeds suffering.
Now this is not to say that I am advocating for complete detachment, but in recognizing this truth, you may be able to focus a partial lens of clarity on your situation. I recognize individual life circumstances are highly varied, the human social experience can be complicated, especially amidst the associated task of surviving, let alone thriving.
Nevertheless, any time we hinge our sense of personal well being on our attachment to those outside of ourselves, we risk a dependency that has the real potential to destroy us.
I won't tell you to change anything, because those are decisions you must come around to for yourself. But I would encourage you to practice acceptance of the realities of your situation. In accepting the complications, the difficulties, the odds, and ultimately the reality of your paradigm, you may find yourself with greater peace of mind even if nothing else has materially changed. And of course, there is also the option of material change, whatever it may be. Whether or not you may choose to influence that change, change will always find its way into your experience, as you have already witnessed time and again throughout the aforementioned losses you have endured.
Best of luck to you in finding your footing and comfort in this life, fellow human.
--------------------
-------------------- ┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼ ...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



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Re: Emotional Exhaustion [Re: geokills] 1
#28509251 - 10/18/23 10:15 AM (3 months, 9 days ago) |
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Quote:
geokills said: Attachment breeds suffering.
Now this is not to say that I am advocating for complete detachment, but in recognizing this truth, you may be able to focus a partial lens of clarity on your situation. I recognize individual life circumstances are highly varied, the human social experience can be complicated, especially amidst the associated task of surviving, let alone thriving.
Nevertheless, any time we hinge our sense of personal well being on our attachment to those outside of ourselves, we risk a dependency that has the real potential to destroy us.
I won't tell you to change anything, because those are decisions you must come around to for yourself. But I would encourage you to practice acceptance of the realities of your situation. In accepting the complications, the difficulties, the odds, and ultimately the reality of your paradigm, you may find yourself with greater peace of mind even if nothing else has materially changed. And of course, there is also the option of material change, whatever it may be. Whether or not you may choose to influence that change, change will always find its way into your experience, as you have already witnessed time and again throughout the aforementioned losses you have endured.
Best of luck to you in finding your footing and comfort in this life, fellow human. 
Thank you <3 the funny thing is I already realize the only thing I can control in this life is my own happiness and I never used to hinge that on another person ever. Just all the trauma throughout my life has caused me to hang on because of the reasons I mentioned previously.
I am currently working on changing that aspect of myself. It is extremely difficult to change a core aspect of yourself....
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spirit_shadow
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And seriously, thank you for the responses. It means a lot to me <3
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spirit_shadow
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Oh, I have also been educating myself as much as possible on her depression and stuff. It has made me realize that I have mistook her symptoms as her not wanting to be with me anymore so I am trying to change my entire perspective and emotions accordingly.
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spirit_shadow
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Boss is letting me leave a couple hours early today cos I'm not ok mentally. It has gotten worse and I think she is about to leave me and I'm doing nothing but trying my literal hardest. It's all so busllshit :'(
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geokills
∙∙∙∙☼ º¿° ☼∙∙∙∙


Registered: 05/08/01
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I understand you're feeling a bit unstable here, so I would advise you to hold off on reading the rest of my writings here until you feel confident in facing some potentially difficult truths to embrace. I do however believe that if you can see what I am about to say as a genuine truth, you will be better for it and for anyone else in your life, in the long run, on account of it. Nevertheless, I also understand that a person facing loss or grief may benefit mostly from support in the moment, before considering some of the deeper ramifications of their approach to their situation. If that is the case, then I wish you nothing but love and encourage you to leave the rest of my response unread until you might feel more ready to be faced with some critical analysis.
Here's the thing about relationships, and I know it probably won't help you feel any better whilst amidst the throes of acute emotional trauma, but the fact of the matter is that relationships are, at minimum, a two party agreement. If either party, for whatever reason (because ultimately the reason doesn't matter to anyone but the person reasoning it), believes that a relationship isn't worth continuing, then it isn't.
We can feel sorry for ourselves and call it "bullshit", but frankly, it is as fair as fair can be. We don't get to hold other people accountable for their desire to be with us or otherwise, just as we would never want to be forced to behave in any given way for anyone else. We do however, get to hold ourself accountable for how we react to others and get on with our life. Embrace yourself. Continue to be there for that lady across the pond if you feel the need to, and if you want to try to build/rebuild that connection into something increasingly more intimate, that is certainly your right to pursue.
Just please remember that you aren't going to be doing yourself or anyone else any favors by trying to force things that aren't the reality of the situation. Let the self-imposed attachment melt away. You can still be there, you can be kind, you can be a friend. But if your suspicion that this lady is about to leave you proves to be true, please remember that it is not your fault. Rather, it is simply her choice, and that is nothing that you can control.
This circles back to a central mantra in my life. Something I first was told here on the Shroomery 20 some years ago... Don't worry about things you can't control. It seems overly simplistic, cliche even, but if you make it your truth, the whole experience of life and everything within it becomes orders of magnitude more easy to navigate. Good luck spirit_shadow. If you are alive, you are whole. Don't fall into the trap of letting yourself be defined by your relationship to others. You are still you. Be the best you that you can be.
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-------------------- ┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼ ...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



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Re: Emotional Exhaustion [Re: geokills]
#28510789 - 10/19/23 04:39 PM (3 months, 7 days ago) |
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The reason I say it's bullshit is because there has been many consecutive traumas that have been out of my control IN A ROW and this is the last bit of life I have in my life....it just hurts.....
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geokills
∙∙∙∙☼ º¿° ☼∙∙∙∙


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Yeah, I get it. Life seems to be hittin' you with a lot of consecutive struggles. That sucks and I can understand why you feel hurt. Although it might be hard to conceive of at the moment, try to remember that life can hit you with some good stuff too!
Ends lead to new beginnings.
Hang tight brother.
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-------------------- ┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼ ...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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spirit_shadow
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Re: Emotional Exhaustion [Re: geokills]
#28510954 - 10/19/23 07:05 PM (3 months, 7 days ago) |
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Quote:
geokills said: Yeah, I get it. Life seems to be hittin' you with a lot of consecutive struggles. That sucks and I can understand why you feel hurt. Although it might be hard to conceive of at the moment, try to remember that life can hit you with some good stuff too!
Ends lead to new beginnings.
Hang tight brother. 
I really do count my blessings, I just don't know how not to care about things I can't control.
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spirit_shadow
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My grandmother gave me a Xanax last night and I slept for 10 hours.....I feel a bit better today and I really am taking your advice to heart geokills.
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geokills
∙∙∙∙☼ º¿° ☼∙∙∙∙


Registered: 05/08/01
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Body and mind are inextricably intertwined. Good call on copping some solid rest! 
Make sure your diet is up to a good standard and try to get yourself moving a bit as well, even if it's only a simple stroll around the block to catch a little sun on them peepers! These things can sometimes seem insignificant, and in our most depressive episodes become something we actively neglect, but maintaining our physical baseline health lays the foundation for our mental success.
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-------------------- ┼ ··∙ long live the shroomery ∙·· ┼ ...╬π╥ ╥π╬...
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spirit_shadow
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Re: Emotional Exhaustion [Re: geokills]
#28511593 - 10/20/23 10:42 AM (3 months, 7 days ago) |
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Quote:
geokills said: Body and mind are inextricably intertwined. Good call on copping some solid rest! 
Make sure your diet is up to a good standard and try to get yourself moving a bit as well, even if it's only a simple stroll around the block to catch a little sun on them peepers! These things can sometimes seem insignificant, and in our most depressive episodes become something we actively neglect, but maintaining our physical baseline health lays the foundation for our mental success.
Yeah that's another thing....I have not been eating enough and I know it :/ I'm still super active just not eating. I'm using more energy than I am consumming on a daily basis. I just can't manage an appetite even after hours of manual labor :/
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,658
Last seen: 1 hour, 57 minutes
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What I want to do is the emotional equivalent of cutting off one of my arms. I can't do it....Id need somebody to cut it off for me while I close my eyes and turn away :/
-------------------- ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011 Ban lotto
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millzy


Registered: 05/12/10
Posts: 12,404
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you're not alone OP. it's been an exhausting few years.
i was finishing grad school when COVID hit. lost my job, twice, but somehow made it through without losing my home. it's been quite a ride and a huge part of me is just.... tired.
i am a couple of years into a new career, which is a good distraction. i'm doing relatively great but the world is changing in ways i've never experienced before.
it's a lot to deal with on top of day to day life. crazy times we're living in.
-------------------- I'm up to my ears in unwritten words. - J.D. Salinger
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,658
Last seen: 1 hour, 57 minutes
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Re: Emotional Exhaustion [Re: millzy] 2
#28513919 - 10/22/23 09:39 AM (3 months, 5 days ago) |
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@geokills, I am working on letting go of unnecessary things in my life. It's really hard but I am really attempting a change. Thank you for your advice. No matter which option I choose working on myself is key so thank you for emphasizing that. All your guys support means a lot <3
Quote:
millzy said: you're not alone OP. it's been an exhausting few years.
i was finishing grad school when COVID hit. lost my job, twice, but somehow made it through without losing my home. it's been quite a ride and a huge part of me is just.... tired.
i am a couple of years into a new career, which is a good distraction. i'm doing relatively great but the world is changing in ways i've never experienced before.
it's a lot to deal with on top of day to day life. crazy times we're living in.
Hang in there man, you aren't alone <3
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,658
Last seen: 1 hour, 57 minutes
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"Being happy with myself" is not working. Money, games, nothing is making me feel better and filling the void of complete loneliness, I miss my fucking family....
-------------------- ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011 Ban lotto
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DoneKildatReason
Chemical in the body


Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 1,061
Loc: Green Country
Last seen: 10 days, 16 hours
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The thing that bugs me most about your situation here.... is that you guys haven't been able to connect physically for any decent stretch of time. That's what makes this situation harder to call, for me. I haven't been through that. I imagine it'd be a completely different ball game if you 2 were close together physically. It'd be much easier to call the best shots if you were on same location. Seems it'd be easier to see and know, one way or the other, which way to go. Separately or together, the only way to go is onwards, and being at present a kind of aggravating, confusing, saddening mixture of the 2, together and apart at the same time, makes it so much more difficult to call the best way.
I will say too, that I was in a relationship for 18 years, with a woman who has always been very abused, neglected, sad, and struggling with mental health and drugs in a way that just breaks my heart to see. When she chose the darkest of dark paths in 2018, and when I got custody of our 4 kids, I never would have guess that now, 5 years later, that we wouldn't be seeing her, kids haven't seen her this whole time, and that she'd stay on that dark strange path instead of work through her issue in order to see the kids. Of not for me, then for the kids, I thought shed work on herself. I only say this to illustrate that I am no stranger to loss, rose colored glasses, cognitove dissonance, wanting to help and even save a woman you love.... even having her say for years she loves you and appreciates your patience and love of her.... but nothing I could do was enough, and I finally had to admit that. Now after this 5 yr has passed, I feel a lot better about our situation, but am battling my own mental health and inadequacies, job unhappiness, strife, loss of family, and stress from this insane world. I've lost 30lbs since 2020 started, but finally started making sure to eat at least on lunch at work, and then some of dinner most nights. Just don't have much appetite... I really relate a lot to what you've said above, in my own version. I'm struggling. I'm a sad person I think. But again, your situation, with the distance.... makes it impossible for me to say any which way is good or bad. Things would be different if you were together, and I know you've said that is a big challenge that you're working on. I can only imagine the frustration and sense of unfairness, and being a type not to play victim willingly, or even perceive of oneself as such, makes you want to banish the word "fair/unfair" from the vocab.... but yet still the sense resides. As well as the ever ticking clock, and the feeling of her slipping away from afar. The last years spent planning togetherness, and the prospect of this not to be taunting you, even trying to make you believe this was a failing on your part.
One thing I know - if this love from her end dwindles and slips away before you are able to make it out there to warm the souls and kindle the flames, please friend do not consider this a failure on your part, and thusly beat yourself up over it. That would be unjust to yourself, for a man who can love and seek to protect from afar is not lacking in any merit or ability so much as it is the wheels of fate and time teaching us the lessons and bringing us our custom flavors of pain and loss. We cannot beat ourselves up, because surely as the love and desire slips from one set of circumstances, it will or would have slipped from another. She can't be expected to wait forever, but she must understand your struggles, of she deserves you who would struggle for her. Just don't let yourself convince yourself of negative self worth, dictated by her feelings for you, or her own mental sadness that you are drawn to remedy. I'm not saying you are.... probably 80% of what I wrote is really from me to me.... and I thank you for the thought provoking messages you wrote and brought out from others.
Its times like these when I must remind myself, and encourage others to remember: I have someone's dream life. Someone out there would kill and die for the life I have, even amidst all my struggles and pain, and I think that goes for many of us.
Anyway man, I do wish you the best. I personally find a lot of comfort in prayer, my own version of such, a sort of emitting thankfulness and appreciation for strength to endure struggle and hardship, thankfulness of life and experiences, and opportunity and potential - and the acceptance that I will fall short at times and get behind, but that I can control my steps and get better and go further in time. I think many here do not find use in this kind of thing, and not knowing where you stand spiritually, and without me even suggesting this way for you, I can just say that for me it has helped very much.
Thinking and hoping for your best friend. I don't come in here often but I always seem to come across some familiar faces when I do, and am very thankful for that familiarity and thought provoking words since i too have few to none in the department of people I can talk about these things with.
We are living in a crazy time friend. With all the words and sense/nonsense it may/may not have made, one thing is certain - we must MUST take care of and value ourselves. We are worth it.
-------------------- This was an experiment.
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,658
Last seen: 1 hour, 57 minutes
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Thank you, I'm sorry things have been shitty for you too. It's just so much that I actually feel sick.....id much rather just stop existing at this point.
-------------------- ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011 Ban lotto
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,658
Last seen: 1 hour, 57 minutes
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The only reason I haven't already gone and just laid down on the tracks is because if I did there is 4 people it would destroy and I can't do that to them.....
-------------------- ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011 Ban lotto
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