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Offlinenewaccounts
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5,8 grams of dried golden teachers - from mother's love to cosmic insignificance * 2
    #28432571 - 08/13/23 04:02 PM (5 months, 12 days ago)

~~~~

It’s your day,
Believe it
It’s your date
With destiny

It’s too late
To leave it
After all
It’s your party

~~~~


Introduction

This would be my third experience with psychedelics. I’m a married man around 40 with children and a demanding, high paying job. I became interested in psychedelics due to a depression that hit me in early 2022 that I have been battling since.

Not that I think that many are interested, but if anyone who reads this would like to gain a deeper understanding of the context of this trip, you can read my previous trip reports and a summary of my personal situation in the links below. One thing I do want to point out is that both my previous trips left me disappointed as they were way weaker than I had wished for.

1.Is this a parody? First trip ever
2.My second trip: 3,5 grams alone
3.Input on complex marriage/family situation

The trip

I live in one city but work in another and only come home on the weekends. This day after work, as I came home to my empty secondary home I measured up 3,75 grams of dried golden teachers. I had prepared a physical journal for this occasion and on the first page written my intentions in the form of a handful of questions I am currently wrestling with in my life. I read these questions – one of them being if I should divorce my wife – and meditated upon them before I closed the journal, ate two bits of dark chocolate and then put the shrooms in my mouth and started chewing thoroughly. I do enjoy the taste of dried shrooms and have not yet had any problem with nausea or indigestion.

After I had swallowed the shrooms with some water mixed with apple cider vinegar I sat on my bed and put on some relaxing music while waiting for the trip to start. I looked out the window and saw the trees sway in the wind to the tones of Jean Michel Jarre’s album ”Equinoxe”. Around one hour after consumption I laid down on my back and put on my eye mask.

6.00 pm.

I had no physical sensations but immediately recognized that I had faint visions of geometric patterns behind my closed eyes. To my surprise it was the exact same rotating pattern that I saw at the beginning of my previous trip, but the strength of the visuals was weaker this time. I attributed this to not enough time having passed yet and didn’t think that much about it. But after several songs had passed on my carefully curated playlist I became frustrated that the visuals were still very weak and that I still did not notice any auditory augmentation or distortions and neither any physical or emotional sensations.

One thing I had at this point though were weird visions of a clown. It was minimalist in design, basically like a slightly more advanced form of a stick figure made up mostly of circles of various sizes. I can not quite describe it, but something about it reminded me both about Bowser's flying car in Super Mario World and the Michelin man. It wasn’t malicious in any way, but it looked so weird and was popping up everywhere in different sizes and places, and there was something unnerving about it both because of its appearance and the fact that it did not fit the uplifting trance song that was currently playing in any way. It appeared all over my vision in everything from the smallest to macro size, and it was constantly growing and shrinking until it disappeared from my view.

6.30 pm

I opened my eyes and as expected the world looked completely normal. Since I did not have the patience for another meh experience I decided now was the time to "redose" if there was to be any point in doing that at all. I hastily measured up another 2,1 grams of dried golden teachers, shoved them in my mouth and started chewing. This would put me at a total of around 5,85 grams of golden teachers which from what I understood would be quite the dose, but as I had doubts about the strength of my shrooms and was frustrated at the thought of yet another weak experience i decided to just go for it.

While sitting on my bed and chewing I suddenly started to feel a pretty intense comeup. Something inside me adviced me that maybe I should spit out what I was chewing, but almost with the defiance of a small child I decided to quickly swallow what was in my mouth to not give me time to change my mind. Things immediately became more intense and I realized that the first dose still had not reached full effect, wondering where the hell this was going to go end up when the stuff peaked.

I laid back on the bed and put the mask on again. I felt a rapid onset of bodily high while the visuals  started intensifying in both strength and clarity. The visions were  more prominent when my eyes were closed, but the difference between eyes open and closed became less distinct. I couldn’t quite tell exactly what was happening, but I had the sensation of seeing different  things and different worlds even with my eyes open. These visions did not replace the physical room I was in, instead it was like I was seeing both the real world and another world simultaneously.

7.20 pm

Out of nowhere came upon me a vision of a dozen swirling shapes. They can best be described as tassels rotating back and forth, as seen from below. Their threads were swirling back and forth over me and I had this profound sensation that these ”tassels” were conscious entities and that they were taking care of me and doing something to me, like they were working on me in some way, caressing me. I now had an intense feeling that nothing needed to be solved and that everything was absolutely fine.

And then I was in this enormous bright space with golden, beautiful walls that were made up of huge panels put together at different angles. I can’t tell if there was any ceiling or roof, I can just say that it was huge and that everything was made of gold and that is what absolutely beautiful in every way. I noticed there was someone there – a woman. I could catch a glimpse of her but I can’t describe her. She was etheral and hoovering over me while at the same time encompassing the entire space. I felt the deepest sense of love and care I have ever experienced in my life. As she hovered over me she blew on me with her breath and sprinkled dust or sparkles that rained down on me. I felt the most intense joy and love I had ever felt. She was taking care of me and loving me in a way that was so profoundly intense and beautiful.

I remember how I was thinking ”Who is this? What is this? What the hell is going on? Is this God? My mom? Some divine motherly force?”. And then it came to me with absolute clarity: this was my wife, as seen from the eyes of our children when they were newborn and/or very small (our daughter still is).

This insight made me burst out in tears. I cried to hard that I was screaming. I have wrestled on and off for two years with the thought of divorcing my wife. Now I could not stop thinking ”what the hell am I doing? I need to get back to my family, to my children”. I felt the most intense love for my wife and my children, something that I have really been struggling to feel since I got depressed. Most days I know that I love them, but I don’t feel it. Sometimes the sun breaks through the clouds and I feel the love that I know is there, but most days the sun can’t break through the dark clouds. But in this moment, I felt the most intense and deepest love for both my wife and our children and it was so profoundly liberating.

I was filled with intense gratitude, but at the same time sadness. Gratitude for my family. Sadness that I was away from them and that I did not appreciate the life I have. I decided to pick up my journal and start writing. I wanted to document this insight to prevent it being lost when the trip was over. From this point on, documenting insights in my journal became more important than having a nice trip. To be honest, at this point I felt like I had gotten what I came for and that I wanted to hop off the train and go back to normal reality. I just wanted to go back to my wife and family.

7.35 pm

I looked at the clock and realized that it had barely been an hour since I redosed. As I felt I had learned what I came for I tried to estimate how much more intense this would get, how long the trip would go on and the chances of something really bad happening. This is when things began going sour. My cognitive abilities failed me and I had tremendous difficulty doing even basic math. I could see on the clock what the time was but I couldn’t for the life of me understand how much time had passed since I started tripping or since the redose.

7.55 pm

Now I noticed that all the colors were way over saturated and that the room started moving. Blurry faces appeared in the walls, the floor and the ceiling. I opened my laptop and typed into google ”when does a mushroom trip peak?”, but google wouldn’t accept the search query and instead auto corrected it to ”when does a bad trip end?”. I tried over and over again but with the same result. At this point I was so cognitively impaired that it took tremendous effort just to type the sentence. I decided to give up for the moment and just sat and stared out into the room. Everything was swirling, moving, it was like the high seas in a storm.

I sat for what felt like a really long time before looking at the time again. To my terror, not a minute had passed! Time had stopped. Or did it even move backwards? The music coming from my speakers was distorting badly. It sounds silly in retrospect but at this point I was convinced that I was in hell and that another minute would never pass, and that I would never be allowed to leave the room. I would be stuck there for eternity. Everything felt increasingly chaotic. It filled me with profound terror and sadness at the same time. I got up and walked back and forth around the room. I looked out and saw that it was dark outside. I contemplated briefly if I should try to unlock the door and go out, but something told me it was impossible.

Eventually I went back to the computer and tried searching google again, but the exact same thing with auto correct  kept happening. Something inside me said ”you are typing and asking when a mushroom trip peaks, but what you really want to know is when a bad trip ends, so why are you typing one question when the one in your mind is really another?”. At this point I accepted the suggestion and clicked on the top result. I was afraid that it would tell me that this trip would never end, but to my surprise I came to a site which said that you can’t speed up a bad trip, but that listening to calming music might make it easier to wait it out.

I decided to take that advice and tried to remember that I had carefully made a six hour playlist to carry me through the experience. Something inside me told me to trust myself and to love myself, that I had planned this and had to trust myself now, to have a little faith. I decided to relax on the bed and thought about how grateful I would be when it was over and I could finally go back to my family.

Now, someone or something was speaking to me on the inside. It said ”you complained that your trips were so short, You complained that nothing happened. And now you’re complaining that too much is happening!”

As I kept longing for when I would meet my family again, the voice became more distinct.

”Every moment is a gift.
You never know if you will be allowed to go on.
Be grateful.
You never know if you will be allowed to go on.
Remember this.
Every moment is a gift.”

Suddenly it was yelling, it was like an adult lecturing a child.

”EVERYTHING IS A GIFT
SHOW SOME GRATITUDE!!!

Be grateful for life.

Life is a gift.

EVERY MOMENT!!!

And you are feeling so bad about things that are so irrelevant.

YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO GO ON FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!

You grew up without a father.

Take some responsibility.

Every second is a gift.

Never forget it!

You keep being bothered by things that are irrelevant.

Life i a gift.

Live every moment.

You are alive.

You are conscious.

Should you be allowed to go on?”

The entity then forced me to promise to stop working in another city and to seek a job where we live so that I am not only home on the weekends. I promised, even though I was afraid. Afraid because I hate it where we live and the jobs available are not appealing to me. Nevertheless, I promised and cried tears of liberation and shame at the same time.

The voice continued:

”Trust life.

I am the answer.

It’s going to be OK.

I promise.

It’s going to be OK.

Everything IS OK”.

At this point the voice was no longer stern and lecturing, but loving and caring. And the whole room had turned completely bright, to the whitest light engulfing me, and everything was glittering like diamonds.

”EVERYTHING IS OK.

EVERYTHING IS OK [my name]

Everything is ok.

Don’t be afraid.

I am with you.

I am God.

Don’t be afraid.

Everything is ok.

You are bothered by irrelevant things.”

It kept reassuring me that everything would be ok, and it acknowledged that I was afraid and hesitant, but it reassured me that despite that everything was ok.

After this went on for some time, the focus of the conversation shifted to my own person. The entity, which I call God but I don’t know exactly who or what it was, started addressing perceived parts of my personality as dysfunctional. It told me to let go of certain things. It told me to stop listening to certain bands as they are only an expression of a part of me that is not feeling well. Music that I have been thinking of as empowering, but that is in reality hurting me.

The voice lectured me on how we are all one. All humans are one. One earth. It yelled at me to let go of all shit that I have been carrying for so long.

”Let it go! Delete it! Let go of everything that is destructive! You don’t have to be afraid. Let go of all that shit that leads to death! Let go of all that shit now! Have the courage to love. PROMISE!

LEAVE EVERYTHING AND START ANEW

IT’S GOING TO BE OK

EVERYTHING IS OK

LET GO OF ALL THAT SHIT”

At this point, I had this intense feeling that I truly love myself. Something I don’t know if I have ever felt. I felt that I deserve to be loved for who I am. The voice continued, this time with rage.

”JUST LIKE EVERY FUCKING HUMAN!!! GET THAT INTO YOUR SKULL!!!! Be a positive force in the world.

Let’s start anew.

It’s never too late.

NEVER.

Let’s leave all that shit behind.

Let’s start anew [my name]

Keep the good and leave the bad.

All this needed to happen for you to understand.

The obstacle is the course.

You are afraid of this world.

Became someone let you down.

You are still afraid,

but it’s going to be OK.

I PROMISE.

You don’t have to be afraid.

Not any longer.”

It kept going on with this theme for quite some time. It told me it would be difficult, that I would have to work for it, but that it was going to be OK. It also gave me some very concrete tools to use when I start thinking to much. It said this to me:

”When you start over analyzing. Remember what a gift every moment is. That is the most fundamental truth. Everything else is details. EVERYTHING YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT IS REALLY IRRELEVANT.”

At this point, it became very personal. It told me how I don’t have to find the solution to anything. How I’m always trying to solve problems, find the right answer, solve everything. And that this stems from a very early feeling in life of being abandoned. And that it is that feeling that causes me to desperately try to figure out what the hell is going on and find a way to solve it. That at a very fundamental level, my problem solving brain evolved because a small child wanted to figure out what it needed to do to not be alone.

The entity told me, no it yelled at me how it is not my fault that I was neglected as a child. That I have developed a brain that’s seeking answers as a result of being abandoned as a child. But that I don’t have to understand. I don’t have to solve anything. I don’t need any answers. Because I deserve love just the way I am. I don’t have to solve anything in order to deserve love. It continued:

”Mother loves you.

I realize it is much for you to digest but give it time.

You are deserving of love just the way you are.

Just like every human.

Your new life starts now.

Trust me.

Let go of anxiety.

It’s going to be OK.

Don’t be afraid.”

I don’t know what time it was anymore, but I had been crying nonstop forever. I felt so completely liberated. I felt completely freed from all pain and sorrows for the first time ever in my life. It was true salvation. I realized I was lying on my bed, with tears and snot everywhere.  At this point I was in absolute heaven. I felt true and complete liberation from everything bad in my life. All the pain and sorrow. I was light, free and full of joy and gratitude.

Suddenly, I left heaven and moved into more of a cosmic space. Everything started zooming out rapidly. I realized we are all like ants on an anthill. The voice kept going, but it no longer felt like God, or maybe it was, but it was now in a different, more serious tone.

”We only have each other. We are alone in the cosmos. One day a black hole will devour us. No matter where we live and die, we die together. We only have each other and everything is connected. Stop worrying about figuring everything out. You have promised! It doesn’t matter where you live. We are together as humans. Such a short time in a cold space. That’s all that matters. We are all together on this earth. That’s all that means anything.

You are not alone. A crying infant no one took care of. Don’t you understand? YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Humanity is one big family. Don’t be afraid.

Yes, something bad might happen. But it happens all the time. People suffer, they die.”

The voice had now shifted to a very serious  tone. It wasn’t malicious, it was just stating facts in a very indifferent way.

”Humanity is a chaos of birth, death, joy, suffering. You can’t protect yourself or anyone from death. We are all part of the same living organism. And we are together. Everything is about life, but on a level that is more fundamental than you can ever understand. You can’t protect yourself, your civilization or your family.

All your problem solving, all your anxiety, all fucking shit that you worry about, is really about the fact that you think you can protect yourself from death. But it doesn’t matter. You will die. The earth. Everything is a chaos of birth and death. Maybe everything will end one day? Even the universe.

You’re going to die.
You don’t have to be afraid.
You are part of the circle of life.
Deserving of love.
Now you understand.
All your strategies.

You will die.
But it’s OK.
Because we are together.”

In that last part, the last three sentences, I could sense almost a malicious smirk. There was something sinister about it´and I didn’t enjoy these insights at all anymore. In fact I was now terrified.

The voice softened somewhat, but it didn’t ease my newfound sense of dread.

”You are now worrying about the cosmos. Let it go. You are aware. Don’t try to solve anything. You  deserve to be loved. You don’t need to find the answer.

The universe is born and dies in endless cycles. You are afraid again. But the universe exists on so many levels. Layers. Let go of the bad! Every moment is a gift.

You deserve to be loved.”

At this point I woke up on the bed and the trip was suddenly just over. Like when you jerk out of a dream. There was so much snot built up in my sinuses that I literally couldn’t breathe. I went to the bathroom and blew my nose. Then I looked at the time.

00.30 am

What the absolute hell just happened? I had been tripping for exactly six and a half hours, taken all the way from mothers love for the little infant at the earliest stage of life, further to heaven, meeting God and experiencing absolute salvation and bliss, working on myself, just to continue further to the end of the universe and the cold cosmic void in which nothing has any meaning. That last part was like if you could zoom out to the max to see the universe in all its entirety within your field of view and seeing that on such a large scale, nothing really means anything.

Why? What was there to learn from that last part? I wished with all my heart that I could have hopped off the train in ”heaven”, where all my sorrows and problems felt resolved, and skipped the last station. Why did they even take me there? What good was there possibly to learn from such a horrible insight?

For the first time in my life I realized the true meaning of terror. It's not monsters or ghosts. True horror is the complete absence of meaning.

And I contemplated seriously ending my life there and then.

But I didn’t.

Epilogue

I had fractured and restless sleep that night. In the days after the trip I have been trying to make sense of what happened, especially the terrifying insight about the cosmic insignificance of existence. I have feared that this insight could drive me mad. Because of that, I have reached out to friends with psychedelic experience for support and help with integration. Although it may very well be a lifelong endeavour to truly make sense of everything that happened, I have some thoughts about the meaning of this already.

First of all. The cosmic insignificance I had insight into is not to be taken as some divine truth. Rather, it is a perspective. It just showed me how nature and the universe are really indifferent to everything that happens. It does not mean that my life, or yours, is meaningless. But the universe itself doesn’t care about if anyone lives or dies. Just like nature doesn’t care if an animal kills another or someone freezes to death in the snow. Nature just is. And that is both terrifying and beautiful at the same time. I was allowed to view the entire universe from the point of the cosmos itself. And my existential dread came from mistakenly believing that this insight should be a perspective that I should adopt into my life. But I shouldn’t. Because from my perspective, and from others as well, my life matters. And I guess ultimately this could mean that everything is relative. Everything depends on perspective.

Secondly. The entity or entities reiterated to me that the most profound thing is that every moment is a gift and that everything else, all our problems, are just details. In fact, having problems is a gift because a problem implies meaning. I try to remember this every time I battle with difficult emotions.

Thirdly. I feel there was a theme of contrasts in this trip. Birth vs death. Light vs dark. I realized that without death there is no life. Without light there is no dark. Without loss we can not appreciate what we have. The cosmic void could very well also be a part of this very lesson. Every moment is a gift. We should cherish every second we have because it won’t last forever. Everything is made up of opposing forces or poles that create motion in the form of rotation.

And finally some concluding thoughts. Part of me blame myself for beginning to freak out even when things were good during the trip (right after the golden space). I wonder what would have happened should I have remained calm and stayed under the eye mask the entire time. In the end it doesn’t matter though, because I think everything happened exactly the way it needed to for me to get some very valuable lessons.

This trip was really intense, but I I never forgot who I was, that I have a body or the world we are living in. Though I suspect it would not have taken many extra grams to send me off to a place where I lose all concept of myself and the real world. But to be honest, after this session I can’t imagine there to be any therapeutic value for me in ego death or leaving the physical body behind completely. To be honest, after this experience I feel like that would seriously risk damaging my sense of self and identity. At this point it seems unlikely that I will ever try open that door.

I really don’t know if I will ever trip again. In the days after the trip I have had serious issues wrestling with thoughts about my identity and who I am. I have thought about how I promised to leave parts of me behind and that I should ”start anew”. I also remember what it felt like to have all the mentioned insights during the trip. But now in my sober state, I am back to wrestling with the same complicated thoughts and emotions I went in with. Even if I do feel I have gotten some guidance, things don’t feel as obvious and sure as they did while I was tripping. Seeking another job feels scary. I still have complicated feelings for my wife. I am thankful that I got some good insights and some guidance, but I'm still confused about how I should go forward about my life. Then again, I feel a bit calm that I can always fall back to the words of wisdom that every moment is a gift, and that I don’t need to have any answers or solve anything in order to deserve love. With that said, I should probably seek the job I promised and believe that things will turn out ok if I just follow the advice I was given.

And yeah, I can see how trips like these can be damaging to the psyche. I realize why things like this should be experienced with support of a guide or therapist. A lot of the insights you gain can make it difficult to function in the world afterwards if they are taken literally. Like the fact that no human is more important than anyone else. If that is the case, then why bother making life better for yourself or caring for your family at all? They are just a few among billions of people. Without the help of my friends, I don’t know if I would have figured out that this is not an absolute truth but rather just a perspective.

I also still feel a shattered after this trip. Like I need to seriously gather myself. Without proper integration it could very well damage my psyche and sense of self.

My conclusion is that the insights gained during this trip are not necessarily meant to be taken literally. They need to be processed and integrated into something positive. I don’t think it is possible or desirable to cut off entire chunks of ones personality or identity just because these have their roots in trauma or negative experiences. Instead, I think this was meant to make me understand where certain aspects of my personality come from. And that I should love and accept myself as I am. This does not mean that I should let the dark side of me run amok, but rather that I should understand why I have certain traits and that they ideally should only be channeled into constructive endeavours. Not that I should never again be allowed to be selfish, angry or violent.

I wish to wrap it up and leave you with these final thoughts.

~~~~

Every moment is a gift. Everything else is just details.
Reality and everyday life is a gift.
Don’t try to figure out existence, or outsmart life.
Don’t try to figure out what’s going on behind the scenes when you're at the theater.
Live.

~~~~


Edited by newaccounts (08/13/23 04:14 PM)


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Offlineshed light
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Re: 5,8 grams of dried golden teachers - from mother's love to cosmic insignificance [Re: newaccounts]
    #28432637 - 08/13/23 04:48 PM (5 months, 12 days ago)

I've ben following your saga and this episode certainly didn't disappoint.  Sounds like you finally got the trip you were after/needing. 

I had a similar experience, without the darker components of yours.  Maybe because my life lacks the complexity and challenges yours has.  Every experience after has been quite underwhelming, or framed more positively, mild. 

https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/28422989/page/1 if you're interested.

I'm a couple months out and struggling to live the way I know I should.  All I can say is this: wake up every morning and repeat those realizations you had.  Keep them in your head and repeat them often.  Bust them out when you feel yourself sliding.  I think it gets harder and harder as the experience fades, but even if you retain and change 5%, that's not negligible.  That's still a meaningful change.

I still think you should consider tripping again, maybe not as hard, but to bring your wife into the fold.  The connection you could develop through it could be a boon to your relationship with her and have a profound impact on the environment your kids have as a result.  I know my relationship will never be the same, my girlfriend discovered something about herself that I knew was there all along but she could't see.  It had a notedly positive impact on our relationship and how we see eachother.

Great writeup and thanks for sharing.


--------------------
Love is everything
Life is good
The opposite of negativity is gratitude
Be KIND


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Re: 5,8 grams of dried golden teachers - from mother's love to cosmic insignificance [Re: shed light]
    #28433812 - 08/14/23 01:21 PM (5 months, 11 days ago)

Thanks for your comment and your advice.

I read your own report and I am happy you had such a positive experience.

Sadly to say, today I am in a really bad place. I'm tired of whining about my mental health on forums but I will say that this trip was not a quick fix in any way. In fact it might have set me back. I feel worse now than before I did it. It is strange given that during the trip I felt absolute sure of what I wanted. Neverending love and gratitude. And now it's just absolute shit with horrible anxiety.

Don't want to whine about it. I should work on it but man, this was not what I expected. I feel like I have slowly been making progress on my mental health struggle during these last 18 months, but now I wonder if I am back to square zero again.

I will meditate upon your advice to repeat the realizations I had, keep them in my head and repeat them often.


Edited by newaccounts (08/14/23 01:22 PM)


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Re: 5,8 grams of dried golden teachers - from mother's love to cosmic insignificance [Re: newaccounts]
    #28433932 - 08/14/23 02:55 PM (5 months, 11 days ago)

Quote:

newaccounts said:
Thanks for your comment and your advice.

I read your own report and I am happy you had such a positive experience.

Sadly to say, today I am in a really bad place. I'm tired of whining about my mental health on forums but I will say that this trip was not a quick fix in any way. In fact it might have set me back. I feel worse now than before I did it. It is strange given that during the trip I felt absolute sure of what I wanted. Neverending love and gratitude. And now it's just absolute shit with horrible anxiety.

Don't want to whine about it. I should work on it but man, this was not what I expected. I feel like I have slowly been making progress on my mental health struggle during these last 18 months, but now I wonder if I am back to square zero again.

I will meditate upon your advice to repeat the realizations I had, keep them in my head and repeat them often.




I don't think its abnormal to have a trough after such a high.  Just ride it out; it'll get better over the next few weeks.  And if it doesn't, you'll deal with that when the time comes.  Have a little faith in yourself, if you can balance a career, a marriage, kids, etc you can handle this too.  It sounds like you're in a position where you have monetary and geographical access to professional help too.  Seeking help is not a weakness.  I spoke to both my PHD psychologist friend and to my priest during a dark time in my life and just having that kind, trusted person listening to me and reassuring me made a huge difference.

Things will get better.


--------------------
Love is everything
Life is good
The opposite of negativity is gratitude
Be KIND


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Re: 5,8 grams of dried golden teachers - from mother's love to cosmic insignificance [Re: shed light]
    #28434957 - 08/15/23 01:17 PM (5 months, 10 days ago)

Thank you for encouraging words.

Today I had the insight what a blessing the sense of self and identity is. I'm not so sure that it's a good idea to at the age of 40 begin questioning your identity, trying to chop of parts of revert to an earlier state.

That's why I am in conflict with a lot of the "insights" I had during this trip. Because they ultimate made me question who I am, what I want, what my goals should be.

Today I am thankful for who I am. Maybe the answer should be rejoicing in that and trying to be myself even more. That's why I feel that for me, there is no magic in big doses.

If I should ever touch shrooms again it would be with the intention of enjoying the present more within the framework that is my life. Not trying to tear up that entire framework.

Low doses to appreciate fun activities and being more connected to nature seems like a good idea.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
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Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,528
Re: 5,8 grams of dried golden teachers - from mother's love to cosmic insignificance [Re: newaccounts]
    #28435382 - 08/15/23 07:51 PM (5 months, 10 days ago)

having worked for a few years away from home, I can attest to the strain it puts on the family.

I agree what matters is in the moment.

more cash is useful but not always better.

also you can be close for a while and take a remote posting again in a couple of months if you need to build cash fast again.

one can use the time to make things work better.


--------------------
:confused: _ :brainfart:🧠  _ :finger:


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InvisiblePsil-y-nat-y
Don't listen 2 me
Male

Registered: 04/24/23
Posts: 158
Re: 5,8 grams of dried golden teachers - from mother's love to cosmic insignificance [Re: redgreenvines]
    #28460110 - 09/05/23 11:16 PM (4 months, 20 days ago)

Hey man I read everything of yours. It was a true pleasure for my eyes. Some parts physically gave me goose bumps because it touched so close to home.


Dude, grow a fucking pair of nuts and man the fuck up and tell that woman you are hurt and you need to leave your marriage. Its not her fault, it's not your fault, but you need out.

And then ask her what should you do? Tell her this. Show her ur log. Let her read this stuff. Surrender yourself and forfeit your lie.

Cuz as you've said you've been living a ME ME ME life for so long, I wouldn't be surprised if she legit feels the exact same way as you.

Does she work? If not she trapped with ur ass bro. She might even craved the city because she herself has been contemplating suicide and was afraid the kids would be abandoned without family. Cuz my dude, you half out the door with ur kids atm. You never know unless you stop lying to yourself but more respectfully stop lying to the woman who birthed 2 of ur own. She was hot once, but then you impregnated her. Her body changed. U lost interest (no judging, I can lol because same same). Just imagine if all ur self worth was tied up to your physical image. Guys only liked u cuz u were hot, not cuz u were smart or funny. Then have that safety blanket ripped away from u. You find yourself teleported to the edge of the universe, cold and alone. Just like that scary place u saw.


I say this with compassion and understanding, because except for the age.... our stories are so similar, but different.
You are a lot smarter than me. I am happily retarded.


Thank you for sharing your story though for real. I mean it.

Talk to ur wife bro, she as hurt as u are but u been blind to it.


Edited by Psil-y-nat-y (09/05/23 11:40 PM)


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InvisibleMindMeower
lawnmower for the brain
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 05/10/19
Posts: 341
Re: 5,8 grams of dried golden teachers - from mother's love to cosmic insignificance [Re: Psil-y-nat-y]
    #28463235 - 09/09/23 10:35 AM (4 months, 17 days ago)

This trip delivered, very nice read ~


--------------------
M(e)owing minds :mushroom2:


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OfflinePancyanterA
Stranger
Registered: 12/17/22
Posts: 75
Last seen: 1 day, 2 hours
Re: 5,8 grams of dried golden teachers - from mother's love to cosmic insignificance [Re: MindMeower]
    #28480875 - 09/24/23 11:24 AM (4 months, 2 days ago)

I often can’t even comprehend money or what is that I do to make money.

I’m all about living comfortably and that involves money with this reality. I’m a small business owner annd beginning investor with big plans. But every time mushrooms show me how small and temporary or irrelevant money is if you will.

It’s helped me tremendously to be happy in this life. Money can cause a lot of pain even when it’s doing well it’s a funny thing.

Did you quit your job?


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