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Offlinepeleg
Gypsy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 535
Loc: Christ Light
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
a trap
    #2847141 - 07/01/04 01:28 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Man Iv,e been stuck in a trap since feburary and it's getting to where the only way i see out is suicide. I,ve actullay layed in bed with a 9mm here lately becuase i just can't take this mental anguish and suffering any longer. Here lays the problem evry morning i wake up i dread getting out of the bed, im plauged with nothing but hatered and volince within. the more i seek God the worse i feel, i know im one of His chosen but i dont know what to do, this cannot go on much longer :confused:it's like i have to try to be happpy but i can only try for so long if i just be all kinds of negative emotions flood me so i seem to push em back down im at a lost


--------------------
"Well the first days are the hardest days." When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.....


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OfflineViaggio
ChemicalConsumer

Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2847161 - 07/01/04 01:39 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

You need professional help right away!  Call a friend or relative and tell them this...please  :sad:


--------------------
"...yet another in a long series of diversions an attempt to avoid responsibility."


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OfflineSource
Remainder of anUnbalancedEquation
Male

Registered: 07/28/03
Posts: 667
Loc: Outer Darkness
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2847179 - 07/01/04 01:45 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Peleg,

I have been suffering in much the same way. I cannot consider anything drastic as I have children that absolutely rely on me. I didn't know that this level of suffering was possible in human life.

Suffering is supposed to purify us. Maybe you are being purified and prepared. It cannot last forever you WILL come out of it. It's the dark night of the soul...you gotta hang on...you WILL see the new dawn.

Do you meditate? I used to and I know I must start again but I just can't find the motivation.


--------------------
What you're searching for is what's searching.


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Offlinepeleg
Gypsy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 535
Loc: Christ Light
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: a trap [Re: Source]
    #2847198 - 07/01/04 01:53 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

yea i have children too, but it's like theres no love there for them becuse im so wrapped up in my self, and i use to meditate all the time but like i said the more i try to meditate the worse i feel, it's like i have to fight just to have a pure thought anymore and like the more i seek out God the further away i get. I don't enjoy anything anymore my marrige, my children ,music, church, food, smoking pot ,cleaning the house, anything. all i do is cry and moan and wish for my death


--------------------
"Well the first days are the hardest days." When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.....


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InvisibleSclorch
Clyster

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 07/13/99
Posts: 4,805
Loc: On the Brink of Madness
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2847211 - 07/01/04 01:58 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Okay, bro... you know you don't want to do it, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this here. You really need to vent and you've just taken the first step. Everyone is different when it comes to these feelings, so I won't insult you with a singular, overgeneralized "answer".

Try changing things up. Whether it's rearranging your furniture or wearing your clothes inside out - change something physical. That helps me alot when I feel like I'm in a rut.

I don't know if you have any musical instruments, but that could be a possible outlet for you. Just start making music... redirect your focus. If music isn't your bag, try painting or sculpture or SOMEthing. And remember: don't be too critical of your creation... it's primary goal is to make you feel good while you're creating it.

Lastly, stop doing any and all drugs. If you think you need chemical help, consult a psychiatrist. If you have an aversion to professional counseling, I understand... but it won't hurt to check it out (and always get a second opinion).


--------------------
Note: In desperate need of a cure...


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Offlineekomstop
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Registered: 03/31/01
Posts: 1,880
Loc: Canada Flag
Last seen: 5 years, 10 months
Re: a trap [Re: Sclorch]
    #2847235 - 07/01/04 02:02 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Yeah I was also going to suggest experimenting with expressing your emotions through art, or something that might help stimulate some creativity..this has helped me alot when I have found myself submerged in nothing but shittyness..

Even listening to completely different styles of music than I've become used to can sometimes help me get up from the rubble. Reading can be very therapeutic for me at times aswell.

Hang in there, bro.


Edited by Maya311 (07/01/04 02:09 PM)


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Invisiblezorbman
blarrr
Male

Registered: 06/04/04
Posts: 5,952
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2847333 - 07/01/04 02:31 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Sclorch is right, put the pot aside for awhile as well as any other drugs you may be doing. If nothing else it will give you a fresh perspective on things. Its amazing how a habit like that can cloud your mind and you don't even notice it because you've become accustomed to it. I'm not saying its the source of your trouble, but it sure can't be helping. I went through depression as well and stopping smoking helped. Only after I stopped did I realize how much it had deepened the depression.

Also please reflect back upon other dark days in your past and see that you made it through those times! You will make it through these times as well. It's almost never as bad as it seems at the time. Time provides perspective.

Throw that gun in the river, you don't need that in your life. You have more friends than you know. Best of wishes, my friend. :smile:


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OfflineSource
Remainder of anUnbalancedEquation
Male

Registered: 07/28/03
Posts: 667
Loc: Outer Darkness
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2847422 - 07/01/04 03:05 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Time is the obstacle. You must understand that you WILL eventually come out of this! Have faith in that!

In the meantime there may be little that you can do to feel better. If you feel anything like I do, you probably don't want to pick up a guitar or paint or write because there is just nothing there.

There is a story about a king who promised a great reward to whoever could give him something that would make him happy when he was sad and sad when he was happy. Many tried and failed until a sage handed the king a ring. Engraved on the ring were the words, "This too shall pass".

Maya311 suggested reading...I think that's a great idea. I'm pretty sick of spiritual stuff right now. I started reading 'Moby Dick'. I like it because it's so earthy and far from spiritual bullshit. Any kind of literary classic...nothing too overtly spiritual...seems to help when I feel like I'm in the abyss all alone.

Also...I know everyone knows this already but we seldom act on it...DIET and EXERCISE! I notice a HUGE difference in my physical and mental well being when I eat much more fresh fruit and vegetables. Also, I took my little 12 foot sailboat out for a sail around a local lake and felt great for a day or two afterward.


--------------------
What you're searching for is what's searching.


Edited by Source (07/01/04 03:07 PM)


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InvisibleSwami
Eggshell Walker

Registered: 01/19/00
Posts: 15,413
Loc: In the hen house
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2847452 - 07/01/04 03:13 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

If you do not choose help and do decide to end it; then do it the right way.

Rent a cabin or buy a tent and sleeping bag and go far away from everybody. Bring no food; only water and maybe a journal. Death by fasting is the only way to true suicide. With a gun you can decide to end it whenever you have one moment of extreme pain. By fasting to death, you must keep choosing death every moment for roughly 45 days. It takes unwavering commitment.

For a less radical suggestion, put the gun far away and do ANYTHING to break your pattern. Raft down the Colorado River, climb a mountain. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or hospital. Get some perspective.

Bueno suerte mi amigo!  :heart:


--------------------



The proof is in the pudding.


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Offlinegnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 6,481
Loc: n. e. OH, USSA
Last seen: 2 months, 23 days
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2847647 - 07/01/04 04:15 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

you should never self-medicate for clinical depression...
i assure you there are many people in your life that do care for you and most surely would miss you if you decided to check out...
but the interior pain/suffering from this awful mental state can be suffocating...
please do consider seeking profesional medical assistance...
MDs can surely be a place to start...
but even folks like clergy (if you are into any sort of a religious scene - i know, difficult for some of us here, but many of these folks are trained to respond compassionately to their fellow humans (e.g. "stephen ministries"; there are for sure others...) or counselors can help, in their own way, or at least help you contact the right sorta mental health professional...
~
as for "self-treatment" wellllll....
y'know...
exercise, tonic herbs, certain vitmains and/or minerals, sometimes amino acids or hormones, etc - some stuff works for some folks & some stuff doesnt, i guess...

anyways, hang in there, friend, please...

("this too shall pass", but sooner would be better than later, dammit...)

be well !


--------------------
old enough to know better
not old enough to care


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Offlineld50negative1
lethal dosage

Registered: 07/01/04
Posts: 821
Last seen: 9 years, 4 months
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2847714 - 07/01/04 04:34 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Hey man, I understand what you're going through.. I have to say that, as a Christian, I've felt what seems to be bothering you (I can relate to an extent, but not to the point that you've reached and I hope that I you can understand what I'm trying to say), I don't know your exact situation, but in my own experience I've found that one can rely too much on the emotions in your relationship with God, you can't constantly be feeling that euphoria. Maybe that's why you feel distant from God, because you are basing your relationship on whether or not you "feel" him, but the relationship isn't all about the emotions.... it's about faith. You just need to have faith and know who you are and that God loves you whether or not you're living your life as you think he would have you live it....

I hope that helps you some, you should definetly get consoling to help you because suicide is no way out.

good luck man


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Offlineeve69
--=..Did Adam and ...?=--
Male User Gallery

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 3,855
Loc: isle de la muerte Flag
Last seen: 18 days, 21 hours
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2847720 - 07/01/04 04:36 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

The God you seek without is already within. It's you and God holding the gun. Just relax your grip. Stop pestering yourself and let go. If you kill yourself you're letting go, so let go right now instead. Without killing yourself.

You're not Japanese, so hari kiri is a true crime against yourself, and God who is also right here now. You should fear the karmic effects in the future. All you have to do to win at this point is merely to stay alive.

If you have no hope then try giving hope to others. Join a charity and give of your time. You might find similar people to yourself who have made it out.

You must make it out. Not tomorrow but today. This is your karma, now break that stress up and work through it. We all have problems. We all must work through them. Life is very very hard, for everyone. This is the state were in.

But it only gets better wilth age. Did you know that the best wine grapes and cactii are those which were stressed? The same goes for humans. This stress is making you a more compassionate person.

When you really have nothing you have instead gained the entire universe for a home.

When you give you also give away the attached karma. So give, of your possesions, yourself and your fears and anger. Give old, get new. Check it out.

Best Wishes.


--------------------
...or something







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OfflineFrog
Warrior
Female User Gallery

Registered: 10/22/03
Posts: 4,284
Loc: The Zero Point Field
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2847801 - 07/01/04 05:04 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Well, I would of course recommend counseling. I had some counseling in my life about 15 or 20 years ago, and it changed my life and the choices I made.

But Peleg, you have to fake it for now. Suicide is not an option. It should never be treated as an option no matter how much emotional pain you are in. Emotional pain can be fixed.

Occasionally, I still go through some intense emotional pain, for whatever reason, but I keep going through the motions of my life, even if I don't feel like it, because feelings change. If your feelings are staying the same, no matter what, then you need to get some help.

I believe that someone can be experiencing an imbalance that can be corrected with medication while getting some counseling. Sometimes counseling is completely unnecessary. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with counseling. Nothing wrong with having an unbiased perspective on one's shit.

Bottom line: Don't do it, no matter what. It's a totally selfish act, and your kids/family will be devastated. I know someone to whom this happened, and it's not a pretty sight, watching the aftermath of one's suicide.


--------------------
The day will come when, after harnessing the ether, the winds, the tides, gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of love. And, on that day, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.  -Teilard


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OfflineViaggio
ChemicalConsumer

Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2850690 - 07/02/04 11:57 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Well, peleg, it's been nearly 24 hours since your post. Did any of the responses raise an eyebrow?


--------------------
"...yet another in a long series of diversions an attempt to avoid responsibility."


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OfflineBarbi
Plastic Person

Registered: 04/22/02
Posts: 12,976
Last seen: 12 years, 1 month
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2850725 - 07/02/04 12:34 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Seek immediate PROFESSIONAL help ASAP.

please.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
irregular verb
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 19,685
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2850839 - 07/02/04 01:04 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

my brother took his life in a garage using my car.
he was very concerned about money and taxes
only in that way did he get satisfaction.
no taxes after death.

he was on drugs, atavan and an antidepressant.

I miss him sooo much.

he has no clue, of course.
anymore


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InvisibleApril
the tiniestspark

Registered: 05/14/04
Posts: 94
Loc: Maryland
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2850984 - 07/02/04 01:35 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Hey. I've definitely been there, and I'm telling you... it gets better! I know it feels like it never can, but it will. I had to be hospitalized for crippling depression two years ago. The only thing that ever stopped my from suicide was knowing how much it fucks up the people you know. You can never do a more selfish thing, ever. After I was hospitalized, about 2 months later, I was diagnosed with having tumors on my spinal cord. What a fucking wake-up call that things can always be worse!

Get yourself some professional help (because it really works if you let it). Good luck, and please please please let us know you're okay!


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Offlinemr_minds_eye
Disposable Wage Whore
Male User Gallery
Registered: 01/22/02
Posts: 1,948
Loc: Samsara
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
Re: a trap [Re: peleg]
    #2852079 - 07/02/04 06:10 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

I have been there to. I came to the conclusion that in one form of existense or another I am going to have to deal with the problems that I am facing now no matter what. That and the discovery of St. Johns Wort. I still have issues. Just not suicidal ones. I hope you find something to make you fell better. I really do.


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Our quest for discovery fuels our creativity in all fields, not just science. If we reached the end of the line, the human spirit would shrivel and die. But I don't think we will ever stand still: we shall increase in complexity, if not in depth, and shall always be the center on an expanding horizon of possibilities.
-Stephen Hawking


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Offlinepeleg
Gypsy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 535
Loc: Christ Light
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: a trap [Re: mr_minds_eye]
    #2855961 - 07/04/04 11:56 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Hey ya'll, thanks for the kind replies and all. Let me start off by saying that I was surpressing alot of issues, kinda like holding a beach ball under water and it keep swelling till I could no longer hold onto it. So I've just been letting these emotions, thoughts, and evrything else just rise up out from with in and am trying to no longer surpress or hide them from myself or God.It's not a pretty sight to look with-in and Im by no means there yet but seem to be going in the right direction.About professinal help, i think im just gonna hang out and wait on my mirical.Theres alot of work to be done here and cultivating the garden is the only way.It does seem though when i get shown a path I'll walk it to where I don't know when to jump on another path and seem to get caught up in a rut.anyway peace and love Gypsy


--------------------
"Well the first days are the hardest days." When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.....


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