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EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
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Quote:
Patchouli_Savage said: Lots of good advice in this thread.
I'm wondering if you genuinely enjoy spending time with yourself? Most confident people I know genuinely enjoy their own company, whether they're shy or extroverted.
Also, it sounds like your disposition would be off-putting for me in person. There is nothing attractive about people who settle for partners they don't really want just to be partnered. As far as your shyness goes; shy men aren't off-putting to me so much as insecure men (and there is a difference, just like there is a difference between confidence and machismo).
You keep asking how to magically cultivate confidence- I think confidence stems from forming a healthy relationship with yourself first and foremost.
It sounds like you've achieved the material markers of success and are blessed with good genetics- but how do you really feel about yourself as a person if you strip away your material wealth and your looks?
Wow. This was incredible. Thank you... (not being sarcastic)
I was obviously just "missing" something before.
Yes, I genuinely enjoy spending time with myself. I think that's the problem, I enjoy spending too much time with myself...
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28446991 - 08/26/23 03:33 AM (5 months, 15 hours ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: A hard man is good to find.

Don't you mean a Good Man is Hard to Find?
oh no never mind you're talking about erections
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
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I kinda skimmed the thread but has anyone brought up your ability to carry a conversation? No one likes talking to a brick wall. Or worse someone that can only talk about themselves and not express interest in what the other person is saying.
If you do think you have a nice middle ground in conversation then maybe you should examine how you are saying things.
Since you are shy I would encourage you to go on dates where you aren't expected to talk the whole time (bowling is good, yes a weird date choice but hey games are fun.) Or maybe to the zoo or something. That makes conversation easy because you can fill in conversational gaps with the date experience itself. Comment on the monkeys or the game.
While the dating app pool isn't amazing compared to what's out there if literally every woman is gone after the first date I'm afraid your problem might not be that you're shy but rather that you're coming off extremely boring due to poor conversational skills.
Practice with friends and family if you think that's the case. Take your mom out to eat. Or better yet your cousin who you've barely spoken to in 10 years. Pay attention to how they are speaking and what you do that makes them speak more or less and seem more or less comfortable. If you do have common ground try to find a nice balance with talking about the topic and making it personal without making it all about yourself.
Also keep in mind that different people have different preferences. Some actually would just prefer you to sit there and nod and make small comments while they talk your ear off. Some would rather you do the majority of talking. Pay attention to that. Build up that emotional intelligence.
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Free time is the only time
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theRealrollforever
I DID-DENT



Registered: 08/31/13
Posts: 12,736
Loc: Bada-Bing!
Last seen: 2 days, 59 minutes
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Quote:
EternalDreamer said: Because I have schizotypal personality, my social anxiety doesn't go away with increased exposure to the person. At least not after until MANY times of exposure. And it's always rough the first time I meet someone new, no matter what.
Personality disorders are notoriously difficult to change, there's no medicine for it, and some argue it simply can't be changed.
I think you all are presuming one can become confident, but that's just not in the cards for me.
I'm not sure why our culture has so much of a boner towards "confidence". It's not even that good of a trait to have in my books. I like nervous, shy, introspective, and humble.
You can be confident and humble. You are trying very hard to split hairs and create a "self-fulfilling prophecy".
Ya ever heard the Nike slogan? "Just do it." Apply that to advice in this thread.
Then get back up and put one foot in front of the other until you are at your goal.
Convincing yourself you're unable to change is ultimately the root cause of stagnation
"More is lost by indecision than by wrong decision."
It's mostly true, with a few exceptions but don't focus on them. Interacting with others isn't one of them.
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sunshine said: The order has to be secret and no one is sure.
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durian_2008
Cornucopian Eating an Elephant



Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 16,685
Loc: Raccoon City
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuck,_marry,_kill
Or, formally, people are asked whether you want to know her platonically, sexually, or as a life partner.
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Joh.Ke
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: durian_2008]
#28451579 - 08/29/23 07:46 PM (4 months, 27 days ago) |
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How tall are you? Are you fat? If you are of at least average height, and you are a millionaire, you really shouldn't have any trouble.
You say that you are shy. Does this mean you have trouble maintaining eye contact with your dates? Try and look them in the eyes and then smile. Doing this shows that you are confident and approachable.
Sorry I can't be of further help. It's hard to give you proper advice without seeing you in action.
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Fallingrace67
MycoMama



Registered: 06/20/23
Posts: 110
Last seen: 4 months, 16 days
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Awww you sound sweet. If I wasnt already married I'd go on a date with ya 🤣
Unfortunately I find most people aren't very introspective... now I'm gonna talk specifically women... most women like a certain type of guy and I'm not sure if they even know why they make that choice for themselves. Most people don't grow up with 2 parents households and even if they do many times the parents aren't always emotionally functional. Add to it people our age have typically had dads go off to work... So without dad's support many women get daddy issues ... to fill that void they sub-consciously pick guys who aren't nice because the "love" they know and are used to seeing is a dad who's emotionally unavailable.
I think that's why most women, until self-actualized (or just tired of b.s.), pick assholes instead of nice guys
Sorry if any of that didn't make sense. Just tried mushies for the 3rd time ever... first ever home grown.
But everyone likes confidence. Have you worked on self-love techniques yet? If you don't like you why expect someone else to? You should sell yourself.... instead of saying "I'm shy " you could say "I'm quiet because I want to know about you"
Just like that... be confident in your good qualities and what you have to offer... you can still be shy or quiet... but if when talking to a woman you know for a fact that the qualities and other things you have to offer to her and bring to the table make you the best option for her... know it in your heart and you will have whoever you want.
Edited by Fallingrace67 (08/29/23 11:08 PM)
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TheGoblin


Registered: 03/30/23
Posts: 53
Last seen: 1 month, 9 days
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Do you have many buddies? You can hang out with a group of friends who also bring some other people along for a BBQ or something. It may be more comfortable having people you know well around too... you may not connect with anyone there romantically, but you'll get to level up your conversation skills too.
Edited by TheGoblin (09/01/23 02:40 PM)
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RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,014
Loc: USA
Last seen: 3 hours, 20 minutes
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Quote:
EternalDreamer said:
I definitely don't agree that you can just develop confidence...
Confidence is simply a lack of fear.
Fear can be overcome.
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
#28455984 - 09/02/23 12:21 PM (4 months, 24 days ago) |
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You most certainly can develop confidence. I'm close to 50 and it doesn't hurt that I'm above average looking and have an trim physique, but when I was younger I definitely had a good deal of social anxiety and nerves talking to women or anyone for that matter
I talk to women in bars now with no intention of hitting on them or complimenting them or anything and I get the vibe pretty often that they'd be willing to entertain the idea of getting naked with me. Some are close to my age and some so young I think why are you looking at me like that. There's a certain subtle look in their eyes and a faint air of playfulness when she's interested. I seriously believe it has a lot to do with me having no designs on hitting on them that draws them like moths to a flame
I wish I could be more help but it's real hard to get traction when you have none. Women are pretty difficult creatures to understand but it's a game of subtleties and it's really easy to overthink it
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nooneman


Registered: 04/24/09
Posts: 14,555
Loc: Utah
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It's just a numbers game. If you go on enough dates, you'll eventually find someone.
There's an interesting experiment in psychology where you have a lever that delivers food randomly when pressed, and you put a chicken in a cage with the lever. Rather than figuring out that the food is delivered randomly, the chicken begins to believe that some action they are performing is associated with getting food, so they begin to perform bizarre ritualistic actions that they believe cause them to get food, when in fact the process is just random.
That's what a lot of dating advice reminds me of. I think it's a largely random process. Regardless, it's definitely a numbers game.
I think one big thing is that if you can meet women in person, the process is a lot faster. That's the big downside to online dating IMO, it's a much slower process. If you meet a bunch of single people in person, you'll know very quickly the ones who are attracted to you.
Pretty much all the women I've slept with were attracted to me right off the bat. The ones that weren't never were. Sometimes I went on several dates with someone, and in the end it seems like they felt the same about me as they did in the first five minutes. Same with the ones who were attracted to me. I sometimes second guess this and don't go with my instinct, but it's never lead me to anything.
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EternalDreamer
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: nooneman] 1
#28458758 - 09/04/23 06:41 PM (4 months, 22 days ago) |
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OK, thanks, so I went on a date with a woman. We had so much in common. She's a vegetarian and so am I, we both value education, we both like the same kind of music. Sounds great, right?
Well, we went on one date at a coffee house. It was somewhat awkward, but we had enough in common to make it to the second date. The following week, we went to a museum together. After that, she dumped me. (And, bear in mind, I absolutely hate to say this, but she's 30 and probably even more "in a rush" than me).
She said the same thing everyone else is saying about me "I want to be honest, you are very sweet and nice, but I don't think it's going to work".
Schizotypal personality disorder (STPD) is a mental health condition marked by a consistent pattern of intense discomfort with close relationships and social interactions.
One of the diagnostic criteria is: Excessive social anxiety that remains even with familiar people
I think this is what people on here are not appreciating. Everyone says you can develop confidence, but I've tried to develop it for years, and it doesn't work. I've needed it for my job, and, because I was unable to develop it, I got fired effectively 3 times in the span of 5 years. The only reason I'm a millionaire is because I chose a high-paying career, properly saved, and just generally grinded it out - no secret sauce whatsoever. In fact, I'll give you my "Ten Step Guide to Becoming a Millionaire in 10 years" with money back guaranteed, if you give me your advice on how to fucking find one women in the world that is willing to accept me for who I am. I promise, I'm really not that bad of a person. Yes, I'm cringeworthingly shy, introspective, like cats, sometimes say the wrong things, but it's not like I'm out to hurt anyone or be mean. I don't get it.
While people scoff at the idea of "schizotypal personality disorder", clinicians didn't make it up just to be funny. It's a serious personality disorder that really has life effects and, unfortunately, personality disorders are really not like something like asthma; it really has poor records of being treated. Try for instance treating a person who is a psychopath -- they are not going to change. Ever tried to change someone's personality who just couldn't be changed? That's personality for ya.
As for the comment on whether I'm good with conversation. No, I am not. I am shy, particularly because social conversation has never gone well with me. I am very convinced that I am boring when I speak, and that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy in action.
I also appreciate the person on here who said she would go on with a date with me. It may seem like a little thing, but comments like that are actually very validating (hopefully, it wasn't totally a joke and had some basis in reality). Thank you!
More than anything, what I don't get is this: there are so many guys out there who are just... how do I put it kindly... bad people. We all know them. They are wife beaters, hateful towards others, never mind unsuccessful. They're just bad people. And yet, they seem to be able to have no problem "finding" women, marrying, and so forth. Sure, they wind up divorced, but getting a women is not hard for them. I don't understand why it's "this" hard for me. Evolution shouldn't have allowed for it, quite frankly.
For me, this feels almost impossible. It feels like I genuinely am being asked to walk on water when people say that I should develop my confidence.
I'm just completely lost in this. I have no idea how to engage with the community to even find a spouse. Where do I go to look for events for like-minded adults? I'm 31 years old; I want a partner, someone to spend my life with. People on here advised me not to pursue the girl that I'm not attracted to, but my thought process at this point, is that I'd rather be with someone who I could love despite not, on the surface, really caring for their personality or looks, I'd rather take than that than just continue to be alone.
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EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: nooneman]
#28458761 - 09/04/23 06:48 PM (4 months, 22 days ago) |
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Quote:
nooneman said: It's just a numbers game. If you go on enough dates, you'll eventually find someone.
There's an interesting experiment in psychology where you have a lever that delivers food randomly when pressed, and you put a chicken in a cage with the lever. Rather than figuring out that the food is delivered randomly, the chicken begins to believe that some action they are performing is associated with getting food, so they begin to perform bizarre ritualistic actions that they believe cause them to get food, when in fact the process is just random.
That's what a lot of dating advice reminds me of. I think it's a largely random process. Regardless, it's definitely a numbers game.
I think one big thing is that if you can meet women in person, the process is a lot faster. That's the big downside to online dating IMO, it's a much slower process. If you meet a bunch of single people in person, you'll know very quickly the ones who are attracted to you.
Pretty much all the women I've slept with were attracted to me right off the bat. The ones that weren't never were. Sometimes I went on several dates with someone, and in the end it seems like they felt the same about me as they did in the first five minutes. Same with the ones who were attracted to me. I sometimes second guess this and don't go with my instinct, but it's never lead me to anything.
This is an incredibly helpful post, and I think it gets to the core of my problem.
There were three women that went absolutely nuts about me and I didn't have to even do anything. It was just like magnetic. (One was in college and was too early; the other two women, they had other issues going on).
I feel like you can't force it; women are either going to be attracted to you or not. It's not like a relationship that snowballs; the spark is either there or not.
I think what my problem is is, however, that I don't really see too many women who have that spark for me. I've always just got the feeling that women are not interested in me for whatever reason. I don't see the spark in them for me.
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EternalDreamer
Stranger
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Posts: 47
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: TheGoblin] 1
#28458762 - 09/04/23 06:51 PM (4 months, 22 days ago) |
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Quote:
TheGoblin said: Do you have many buddies? You can hang out with a group of friends who also bring some other people along for a BBQ or something. It may be more comfortable having people you know well around too... you may not connect with anyone there romantically, but you'll get to level up your conversation skills too.
I don't have buddies and never did for the same reason that I never had a girlfriend. I was always partnerless in gym class, in college, pretty much everywhere. It's not something I asked for, but it just seems like people instinctively gravitate away from me. I can't figure it out: I'm not ugly, I'm not lazy, I'm not mean. I just can't seem to form friends or relationships.
It really hurts, but it's especially problematic when I'm trying to form a family. As I said, schizotypal personality disorder is at work here.
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Anonymous #3
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Quote:
EternalDreamer said: There were three women that went absolutely nuts about me and I didn't have to even do anything. It was just like magnetic. (One was in college and was too early; the other two women, they had other issues going on).
I feel like you can't force it; women are either going to be attracted to you or not. It's not like a relationship that snowballs; the spark is either there or not.
I think what my problem is is, however, that I don't really see too many women who have that spark for me. I've always just got the feeling that women are not interested in me for whatever reason. I don't see the spark in them for me.
Just realized you said you've had 3 women go nuts about you...dude that means more than you think. Unfortunately it sounds like you found reasons to brush them off. If a woman shows interest in you, that's your girl.. seriously, strike when the iron is hot and all that shit Don't make excuses not to jump in head first and don't presume that because something is happening that you're gonna have a future with her. It's all about being in the moment. Don't freeze, don't think, be pretty drunk if that helps
Don't look for the spark, BE the spark. Fuck what they think unless it's positive toward you, then you can give a shit about what they think, but yeah, it's a fine line between not caring and blowing women off, between being aloof and being an ass It's best to keep them wondering and slightly off balance, intrigued and all that. I know it sounds like head games but believe me, if you aren't playing games, you aren't gonna get anywhere. Accept that way of the world and find your way thru it Lots of women out there want to get laid too and despite what they might've convinced you of, they DO want attention and they DO want to get banged, sometimes without a lot of other bullshit
Lastly, if a woman thinks you NEED her, it's over, if she thinks you have something to offer her it's game on!
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B Traven
Stranger



Registered: 03/10/20
Posts: 2,479
Loc: Central Megalopolis
Last seen: 43 minutes, 35 seconds
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I got a question: is it hard to find a million dollars?
Think I'll start a bunch of threads on it, and try to get a bunch of strangers on the internet to sort it out for me.
Don't have time to get into it, but sufficed to say, I'm an awesome guy who deserves a million dollars. But somehow, my money always dissipates. And also, it's never a million dollars.
Several people have been enthusiastic about working with me on business opportunities, but I blew them all off.
Guess I'll keep poking around onlne, the answer must be here somewhere.
-------------------- Beware of advice- even this.
Edited by B Traven (09/15/23 10:15 AM)
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RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,014
Loc: USA
Last seen: 3 hours, 20 minutes
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Quote:
Anonymous #3 said:
Just realized you said you've had 3 women go nuts about you...dude that means more than you think. Unfortunately it sounds like you found reasons to brush them off. If a woman shows interest in you, that's your girl.. seriously, strike when the iron is hot
Many men are seeking their vision of pure idealized unconditional love.
Which is rooted in the relationship with their mother.
Quote:
Anonymous #3 said:
Lastly, if a woman thinks you NEED her, it's over, if she thinks you have something to offer her it's game on!

Go out into the world and spread your love. Don't go looking to get it.
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durian_2008
Cornucopian Eating an Elephant



Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 16,685
Loc: Raccoon City
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
#28470075 - 09/15/23 01:43 PM (4 months, 11 days ago) |
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Quote:
Schizotypal personality disorder (STPD) is a mental health condition marked by a consistent pattern of intense discomfort with close relationships and social interactions.
One of the diagnostic criteria is: Excessive social anxiety that remains even with familiar people
But, my experience with schizoids is they believe that someone is laughing at them or plotting.
Are you just uncomfortable with strange women, who are not that familiar, and who are not making themselves very available. That would be good instincts.

Or, do they have backstories that would sound fantastical to the neurotypicals.
No offense, because I don't mind unconventional ways of thinking.
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theRealrollforever
I DID-DENT



Registered: 08/31/13
Posts: 12,736
Loc: Bada-Bing!
Last seen: 2 days, 59 minutes
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: B Traven] 1
#28470265 - 09/15/23 04:31 PM (4 months, 11 days ago) |
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Quote:
B Traven said: I got a question: is it hard to find a million dollars?
Think I'll start a bunch of threads on it, and try to get a bunch of strangers on the internet to sort it out for me.
Don't have time to get into it, but sufficed to say, I'm an awesome guy who deserves a million dollars. But somehow, my money always dissipates. And also, it's never a million dollars.
Several people have been enthusiastic about working with me on business opportunities, but I blew them all off.
Guess I'll keep poking around onlne, the answer must be here somewhere.
OR HE COULD GO TO THE PHILLIPINES
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sunshine said: The order has to be secret and no one is sure.
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