|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
Is it hard to find a woman?
#28433913 - 08/14/23 02:40 PM (5 months, 12 days ago) |
|
|
I know I already have another thread going here, but I think my issue is so serious, it's worthy of two separate threads.
Basically, I'm really confused. I'm a 31 year old virgin guy who is safe, called "sweet" and "nice", has a good head of hair, millionaire. However, I am very shy and insecure. (Not so shy as to be completely ridiculous, but definitely on the shy-side). I've been on 3 dating apps, I swipe right on nearly every girl (maybe ~100 a day), and yet I'm still not able to attract any women. I get a date maybe once a month, but it never goes anywhere.
I feel like I have no standards any more. I'm thinking about messaging a women back who I'm not even attracted to in the slightest, because I'd rather be with someone that I'm not that interested in than just continue to be alone.
This is fucking impossible. No way it's this hard to find a woman.
I'm just confused... would you say it's actually easy to attract a woman?
|
VP123
Strange



Registered: 06/27/19
Posts: 1,341
Loc: Midwest
Last seen: 10 days, 32 minutes
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: I get a date maybe once a month, but it never goes anywhere.
If you get to go on a date with a woman, you don't have a problem finding women. Your problem is keeping them.
Since you have the money, why not go to a matchmaker? The matchmaker may be able to set you up with potential dates and after going out with a few of the dates set up for you, the matchmaker may be able to provide you with feedback on why you can't go beyond the first date. Being shy definitely makes it harder to get a date but lots of women don't mind a shy guy once the first interaction has been established.
|
lifeiswhatyoumake
Trance in my sig n blood



Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 16,711
Last seen: 2 hours, 44 minutes
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: I get a date maybe once a month, but it never goes anywhere.
That's great you get a date a month! Why don't they go anywhere, though?
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: I feel like I have no standards any more. I'm thinking about messaging a women back who I'm not even attracted to in the slightest, because I'd rather be with someone that I'm not that interested in than just continue to be alone.
I wouldn't do that. Doesn't sound healthy for you.
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: This is fucking impossible. No way it's this hard to find a woman.
I'm just confused... would you say it's actually easy to attract a woman?
You have proven you attract women. You're being too hard on yourself.
--------------------
  I dropped a trance track "Peace Love & Trance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4uQBM-mRYU ;   
|
Anonymous #1
|
|
A hard man is good to find.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
Appreciate the words lifeiswhatyoumake, but I don't think averaging a date a month after swiping "yes" on ~100 women daily in a major metropolitan area gets to count as proof that I "attract women". It's more poof that probability over a large enough repetition will produce random flukes every now and then. The dates that I wind up getting prove that out, since the women wind up being... let's just say, not the most put together people. And even they don't take it forward pursuing me probably because of what the hundreds of other women have decided upon: it's not in the cards for me.
I think it just all boils down to that I'm not great around people: I'm shy, not confident, and I'm like the total opposite of charismatic. I'm just a little confused though why me being shy, not confident, and opposite makes my odds go from rare to impossible. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid, it's not like I'm expecting scores of women to be attracted to me, but, yeah, I would expect something to just happen naturally after 15 years of being available.
Again, 31, and I have come nowhere close to getting a girlfriend--or even a fleeting relationship--my entire life. I don't understand how it's so easy for people.
Like, only 5% of people are virgins past the age of 30, and the vast majority of them are it due to for religious reasons or a serious disability.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
Oh, boy, am I going to have a field day over this for years to come.
So, I finally, just got the rejection text from the girl, and she explains that she doesn't like "soft spoken guys". She goes on: "quiet and shy intellectual guy" isn't for me.
I thanked her and appreciated her opinions.
Privately, I'm frustrated though.
So, that's it. My personality is just not attractive to women.
Is there any woman for me?
|
Anonymous #1
|
|
Have you tried not being you or being so selfish?
|
CreonAntigone
Stranger

Registered: 05/30/21
Posts: 2,875
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#28434220 - 08/14/23 07:12 PM (5 months, 12 days ago) |
|
|
Change tactics. You find whatever people are hanging around in that environment. You go on a dating app, they find mostly younger people who are looking for casual things, and who are superficial. You may not find the women who are into those with your qualities.
You've already proven 'swiping' rarely works for you. FYI, swiping on everyone hurts your chances by downgrading your value. But those apps are just a game. Sometimes you get regarded as low-value by the algorithm at the start and it won't give you a fair chance.
So stop swiping. Go elsewhere. Where would a woman that wants a quiet guy, not osentacious, be? Maybe an upscale bar? Or maybe a bookstore, or a craft fair, or a cooking class? Maybe you could find a match through recommendations from friends or cousins? Maybe a pay dating service, which will be miles better than swiping? Heck, even speedating would be better than swiping in your case. You've already proven the apps don't work for you.
Don't let your self-worth get defined by an algorthm. You need confidence; these apps are SAPPING your confidence. You need charisma and a real connection. Don't spend your time talking to people who've chatted with 50 other guys that day (as is the case with many on apps like that). Maybe that would work for someone different, but not you. You need to be smarter in your approach.
Quote:
So, that's it. My personality is just not attractive to women.
That hasn't been demonstrated. All that's been demonstrated is that some of the women on tinder specifically aren't looking for you. And if you have poor success early, tinder actually only gives you bad matches intentionally to encourage you to buy the premium service. It proves nothing.
|
Rache2020
Stranger
Registered: 10/18/20
Posts: 315
Last seen: 23 hours, 43 minutes
|
|
So you haven't mentioned to any of these women that you're a millionaire yet am guessing lol.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
Quote:
Rache2020 said: So you haven't mentioned to any of these women that you're a millionaire yet am guessing lol.
No, I have not mentioned that I'm a millionaire. I don't like to flaunt it and, to be honest, I don't respect people that do. I'm your stereotypical "nice" guy (I'm coming across pretty arrogantly here though, because I've hit a limit and come to vent). I really don't do the whole, "look at me, I'm a tough, successful guy" kind of thing. It's not really my style.
With that said, you can suspect I'm well-off, because I say I went to a top college and currently work in Finance on my dating profile.
Quote:
CreonAntigone said: Change tactics. You find whatever people are hanging around in that environment. You go on a dating app, they find mostly younger people who are looking for casual things, and who are superficial. You may not find the women who are into those with your qualities.
Great advice (not sarcastic, seriously). A few questions naturally follow though:
(1) There's lots of women on dating apps. It's not like it's a monolithic group of women. Although you're right that many of them are "younger people who are looking for casual things", probability would have it that there would be some women in that group that are different. In fact, I would hazard a guess that there are a good deal of shy women on there that don't feel comfortable in the normal dating scene and would better understand someone like me. If anything, I would think online dating would contain a higher proportion of shyer people than "outside activities" would, which you seem to be advocating.
The girl that dumped me and said I was "shy, quiet, and too intellectual" herself told me that she was introverted. So, apparently, I'm too introverted for the introverts!
(2) What events can I participate in that would actually present women who are interested in being pursued? The problem is that I feel weird being in an art class and then hitting on some girl there. That's creepy, anxiety-provoking, and rude in my book. Also, I think you missed the part where I said I am shy.
(3) I've joined singles mixers before, and it was absolute torture for me. Basically, the men dominated the women by 70:30, and no women approached me. They didn't make any contact with me.
(4) What is a list of things I can participate in where I would attract women who fit my personality?
I'm deeply confused. I'm 31 years old, decent looking, millionaire, and I find it absolutely impossible to attract a woman. As I said in another thread, evolution should have ruled me out already: it's no way it's this hard... I'd rather walk on lava than deal with the endless cycle of anxiety, social awkwardness, rejection, expectation build up, and ultimate rejection. Fucking crap... everyone seems to get a relationship, except me. Why is it this fucking hard?!!?!?!? Is it this hard for other men?
I've asked people if I'm ugly, and I've been told repeatedly that I am above average looking.
The issue is so severe, that I've asked a psychiatrist if I'm psychotic, because I feel like I'm just missing something so basic in life. Like, how is my sense of reality and ability to make friends / pursue women this inept. It's a pretty basic function of living, and I don't seem capable of it.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
Seriously, can anyone here just hook me up with anyone? I'm willing to date almost anyone, even if she is not attractive to me personally, doesn't have a job, and has an odd personality. All I ask is that she gives me a chance and is open minded. Will anyone take me?!
|
CreonAntigone
Stranger

Registered: 05/30/21
Posts: 2,875
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: (1) There's lots of women on dating apps. It's not like it's a monolithic group of women. Although you're right that many of them are "younger people who are looking for casual things", probability would have it that there would be some women in that group that are different. In fact, I would hazard a guess that there are a good deal of shy women on there that don't feel comfortable in the normal dating scene and would better understand someone like me. If anything, I would think online dating would contain a higher proportion of shyer people than "outside activities" would, which you seem to be advocating.
That would be true IF dating apps show you a fair and random assortment of women. They don't. If you get lower than average swipes in the first few weeks of use, you get judged low value by the algorithm. From there you are only shown people that are judged low value. I'm not saying they're bad people, but the people you are being shown are not an accurate cross-section of American women... they're precisely the people that most others pass on.
The shy women who might understand you either A. give up on the app or B. find someone quickly. Women get much more matches on there. It's a rigged game, it's all secretive, there's no winning it unless you know how to rig the game in your favor.
Quote:
The girl that dumped me and said I was "shy, quiet, and too intellectual" herself told me that she was introverted. So, apparently, I'm too introverted for the introverts!
You can't get hung up on what that one woman said. You have to move on. Plenty of women ARE looking for introverted types.
Quote:
(2) What events can I participate in that would actually present women who are interested in being pursued? The problem is that I feel weird being in an art class and then hitting on some girl there. That's creepy, anxiety-provoking, and rude in my book. Also, I think you missed the part where I said I am shy.
(3) I've joined singles mixers before, and it was absolute torture for me. Basically, the men dominated the women by 70:30, and no women approached me. They didn't make any contact with me.
If it's important to you, you'll need to overcome that shyness. And you need to develop confidence. If you cultivate enough confidence internally, not only will you care less about getting dates, but magically you will exude that confidence and get dates.
If it's that important to you, work on it as a skill. Talk to that psychiatrist (if you still are seeing them) about overcoming shyness.
Approach and say hi to some women in confortable settings. It's not weird to just say hi. You don't need to approach right off the bat with romantic intentions. Try to strike up a conversation. You may fail the first time, you need to get over that part. Try again.
Stop saying you'll date women who aren't attractive. Set your own standards higher, value yourself more.
Quote:
(4) What is a list of things I can participate in where I would attract women who fit my personality?
Whatever could be your true hobby. Is it hiking? Join a hiking group. Or coed bowling, or anything you'd have fun with. Don't hit on the women right away, that doesn't seem your style, just get to know them. Then a spark can develop or not.
If you practice the art of approaching people and overcome your lack of confidence and shyness, you'll be capable of seeing if romantic sparks develop in new places.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
My hobbies are psychedelics, weed, video games, lucid dreaming, philosophy, spirituality & mysticism, hiking, bowling, vegetarianism. I love nature and animals. I get such a thrill out of quiet activities too, like reading or surfing the Internet.
I got burned badly when I just dated a girl that was interested in psychedelics and she said I was introverted, and then I turned out being too introverted even for her. She dumped me after the first date, saying I was too "shy". Seriously!
Where would I go to find people who are interested in activities similar to mine? How do I find them? I don't have any friends here, and I've never been able to make friends. I was the guy who was always partnerless in gym class.
|
Rache2020
Stranger
Registered: 10/18/20
Posts: 315
Last seen: 23 hours, 43 minutes
|
|
Quote:
No, I have not mentioned that I'm a millionaire. I don't like to flaunt it and, to be honest, I don't respect people that do. I'm your stereotypical "nice" guy (I'm coming across pretty arrogantly here though, because I've hit a limit and come to vent). I really don't do the whole, "look at me, I'm a tough, successful guy" kind of thing. It's not really my style.
With that said, you can suspect I'm well-off, because I say I went to a top college and currently work in Finance on my dating profile.
Yeh you're doing the right thing there. I only made the comment because of how you just casually slip in you're a millionaire lol...maybe I'm just hanging round with the wrong group, but I don't know anyone who is a millionaire! No offence, it just made me smile. You're obviously excelling at your job just struggling with social skills a little bit. It sounds like you have loads of hobbies to talk about so that's a good start. Although I think some of those will be a bit alternative for a lot of women. Oh yeh weed is a turn off too, skip telling women about that particular hobby...unless you know she's into it as well.
I think you need to stick to light-hearted things on the first few dates, don't get deep and intellectual it'll be too heavy. You can have the philosophy debates later on.
You can approach women at singles mixers! Isn't that the point? Women are really unlikely to approach you because we assume the guy is going to be proactive and if he's interested he'll do the approaching.
You sound like you just need to develop your social skills that's all. What sort of things did you talk about on your dates? Did you ask about her? Did you make her laugh? Talk about her hobbies or where she last went on vacation?
|
Rache2020
Stranger
Registered: 10/18/20
Posts: 315
Last seen: 23 hours, 43 minutes
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Rache2020]
#28434409 - 08/14/23 10:24 PM (5 months, 11 days ago) |
|
|
Come to think of it weed could be causing/exacerbating your problems, especially if you take it enough to refer to it as a "hobby". Just a thought, never taken it myself but it does change people sometimes...
|
Citizen X
Call me Pepper,,

Registered: 01/19/14
Posts: 7,787
Loc: Djibouti
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Rache2020] 4
#28434537 - 08/15/23 02:28 AM (5 months, 11 days ago) |
|
|
Have a couple of drinks and loosen up bro. You could use wing man Stop being so nice Get a new style, haircut, sneakers Learn some jokes
If none of this works I’ll give you butt sex
--------------------
Rate me here
|
LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,325
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 24 minutes, 22 seconds
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: Seriously, can anyone here just hook me up with anyone? I'm willing to date almost anyone, even if she is not attractive to me personally, doesn't have a job, and has an odd personality. All I ask is that she gives me a chance and is open minded. Will anyone take me?!
I got it! I have the answer! 
The only woman you should try to find is a shy virgin! Its the only choice.
The bad news? This type of woman is extreme rare. But they are out there, its not gonna be an easy journey my friend, but I truly believe not is really impossible.....
Good Luck
-------------------- "What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin PROJECT BLUE BOOK ANALYSIS! (312 pages!) | Psychedelics & UFOs | Ready to Contact UFOs? | The Source on Mushrooms | Trippy Gematrix | Dj TeknoLogical | Fentanyl Test Kits R.I.P. Big Worm || The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth 🌎🌍🌏
  Oregon Eclipse Festival 2017 :: Aug 19th - 21st :: Pure Paradise   Very Effective LSA Extraction Tek | 💧 Advanced Cold Water LSA Extraction Method 💧 |  Mescajuana - Mescaline with Marijuana | DMT Dab Bongs | UFO Technology! Shpongle
     
|
Bigcmcg


Registered: 01/14/12
Posts: 548
|
|
Said it before.. look outside the country for non western women.
|
Roflspammer
Strangest



Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 1,901
Loc: New Hampshire
Last seen: 10 hours, 44 minutes
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Bigcmcg]
#28434667 - 08/15/23 07:46 AM (5 months, 11 days ago) |
|
|
Move to Burlington Vermont man, you'll find exactly what you need. In my circle, I wouldn't call weed a hobbie, but in Burlington VT they would.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Rache2020]
#28434690 - 08/15/23 08:06 AM (5 months, 11 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Citizen X said: Have a couple of drinks and loosen up bro. You could use wing man Stop being so nice Get a new style, haircut, sneakers Learn some jokes
If none of this works I’ll give you butt sex 
I actually agree with this. That's another problem with my personality in how it's not attractive to women.
I'm way too serious about everything. Again, I can't change this. It's just who I am.
Quote:
LogicaL Chaos said:
I got it! I have the answer! 
The only woman you should try to find is a shy virgin! Its the only choice.
The bad news? This type of woman is extreme rare. But they are out there, its not gonna be an easy journey my friend, but I truly believe not is really impossible.....
Good Luck 
This is a great recommendation. Thank you, but I already put on "shy" in my dating profile in the past and it resulted in what you would expect: I moved from a trickle of interest to no interest. So, I changed it back.
I just don't get why being shy is this much of a crime. To me, it means that the person is safe, mature, and introspective, which is a heck of a lot better than loud & obnoxious.
You offer me hope when you say they are "out there", but, pray tell, where? Where and how do I find them in a practical way (see below)?
Quote:
Bigcmcg said: Said it before.. look outside the country for non western women.
Thanks - Interesting idea, but how is this in any way practical? Am I to move outside the country and start learning a foreign language?
Quote:
Rache2020 said: You can approach women at singles mixers! Isn't that the point? Women are really unlikely to approach you because we assume the guy is going to be proactive and if he's interested he'll do the approaching.
You sound like you just need to develop your social skills that's all. What sort of things did you talk about on your dates? Did you ask about her? Did you make her laugh? Talk about her hobbies or where she last went on vacation?
At the singles mixers, everyone is more social than I am, and it just confuses the fuck out of me. Like, how am I this much of an outlier? So, naturally, when I see hordes of beefy strong men surround a woman with popped collars and braggadocio vibes, I know from the outset that I'm not going to compete. Put yourself in my shoes. How would you think you, a shy guy, would appeal to a woman that would be interested around hanging with such arrogance? How would you think those type of women would perceive you? After all, if they are okay getting solicited all day by beefy strong men with popped collars and braggadocio vibes, why would they be interested in you?
So, I've tried to go for what LogicalChaos is mentioning about not trying to be someone that I'm not and pursuing a girl that's equally shy. So, when I go to singles mixers, I try to look for the women who are alone, looking shy, etc. The problem? I can't find any of them! Whether I like it or not, they're all usually inundated by other men surrounding them.
In conclusion, this is beyond depressing. It hurts being in a situation where you're unable to help yourself and feel so unwanted.
|
Roflspammer
Strangest



Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 1,901
Loc: New Hampshire
Last seen: 10 hours, 44 minutes
|
|
Bro-man, would you talk to your best friend like you talk to yourself? If he came up to you and said everything you say, would you say "you're shit out of luck because the world hates you, so just surrender, because you are forever unlovable"?
The negative self-talk is probably impeding you more than anything else you listed.
|
CreonAntigone
Stranger

Registered: 05/30/21
Posts: 2,875
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Roflspammer] 1
#28434851 - 08/15/23 11:23 AM (5 months, 11 days ago) |
|
|
The fact is, those who are happy being single are more likely to find partners. Confidence and feeling yourself is attractive. You've talked about before how you don't think being confident around others is part of your personality... but it's certainly something you can work on. Not to stop being reserved or introverted. But you can definitely work on caring less about social interactions and putting yourself out there.
I say go to a bar and start conversations. If that's too hard, that's the point. It's supposed to be hard. I'ts practice and exercise. If you're not ready for that, work up to it.
The next thing I recommend is to start finding things you like about your life right now. It will make you feel better about yourself - and THAT, magically, will make it easier to have charisma.
You are a millionaire so it's obvious you got a lot of great things going on. This is the one area you struggle with. Why are you making this the most important part of your life?
I think you need to start letting go of your fret over your past and your inabillity to find someone so far. Learn to love your life right now. That's step one. Finding a partner is step two once you've become confident within yourself.
|
lifeiswhatyoumake
Trance in my sig n blood



Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 16,711
Last seen: 2 hours, 44 minutes
|
|
OP, do you exercise/lift weights?
--------------------
  I dropped a trance track "Peace Love & Trance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4uQBM-mRYU ;   
|
VP123
Strange



Registered: 06/27/19
Posts: 1,341
Loc: Midwest
Last seen: 10 days, 32 minutes
|
|
OP, maybe if you describe your typical dates, people here maybe able to contribute ideas. What works for some may not work for others. Maybe something less conventional than dinner, drinks or coffee. For some people physical activities like rock climbing works better (the physical exertion gets rid of the nervousness for both persons and makes social interaction easier). Maybe a concert if both have the same taste of music. Maybe a volunteer experience for both, etc.
If you describe a bit more the places you take your dates to and the nature of the interaction it may help figure out where the problem may be. If you are successful in other parts of your life, I bet your shyness is not the problem. I haven't seen anyone succeed by being shy with customers or co-workers. I doubt you work without interacting with anyone.
As 'lifeiswhatyoumake' hinted, physical exercise is helpful in more ways than one. If you don't it may be something you need to get into. It will help you. And don't consider weed a hobby. That is going to turn off a lot of people.
|
LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,325
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 24 minutes, 22 seconds
|
|
The reason why women dont like shy guys is I think it makes them insecure. This year, I recently got back from a small-sized outdoor music festival. It was amazing. While i was there, I attracted this gorgeous shy girl. The problem? She was very quiet. And that makes me quiet. And then I realized why Im attracted to outgoing women: they make me feel less insecure about my social skills.
And I think a similar thing with women. Perhaps all women are a little shy but are insecure about it. I know I am! Perhaps thats why shyness is such a turn-off for most women....
But lets back to my idea: seeking out a shy women. What do shy women like? What do shy women enjoy in their free time?
Well, heres a little basic psychology about shyness.
People who are shy can have many interests or hobbies because of their lack of social life. These activities would be easily done solo. Heres a short list of hobbies and interest a shy woman would enjoy.
Reading Writing Singing Playing Music Enjoy/Making Artwork Exploring Nature Playing Video Games Travelling Solo
All of these activities are perfect for shy people because you can do them by yourself
Some places you might meet a shy woman:
Anime Convention Book Convention Comic Book/Movie/Geeky Convention Art/Dance Convention Music Festival (especially moody, chill, low-key, alternative, introspective music) Volunteering Activities/Helping the Community National Parks Solo-friendly Sports like Golf, Bowling, Frisbee Golf, Soccer, Basketball Libraries Museums Exhibits
I hope this list helps you. Theres another option, this one more uncomfortable and maybe againist your ideals. But why not suggest it? Hanging out at a Strip Club.
Ive had some amazing social interactions with Exotic Dancers (strippers) at Strip Clubs that have lounge areas. I hold them as dear memories since they are so special. You could go to a local Strip Club that has a lounge area and just hang out with some talkative Strippers. You dont even have to get a lapdance, just talk with them and maybe buy them a drink or tip them for talking to you.
This will do two things: one, it will make you more comfortable with talking with women in general. Two, it will slightly devirginize you (mostly mentally), which will make you less shy around clothed women. However, you may not be comfortable with this path, and I totally understand, so its really up to you if you wanna do something dramatic like spending time at a Strip Club.
My first time having sex was later in life than I wanted and the actual act was not great at all. I kinda regret it, to be honest. I dont want that to happen to you, I hope these words help you out....
-------------------- "What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin PROJECT BLUE BOOK ANALYSIS! (312 pages!) | Psychedelics & UFOs | Ready to Contact UFOs? | The Source on Mushrooms | Trippy Gematrix | Dj TeknoLogical | Fentanyl Test Kits R.I.P. Big Worm || The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth 🌎🌍🌏
  Oregon Eclipse Festival 2017 :: Aug 19th - 21st :: Pure Paradise   Very Effective LSA Extraction Tek | 💧 Advanced Cold Water LSA Extraction Method 💧 |  Mescajuana - Mescaline with Marijuana | DMT Dab Bongs | UFO Technology! Shpongle
     
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
Quote:
lifeiswhatyoumake said: OP, do you exercise/lift weights?
You got me.
I don't lift weights, but I am lean. Not a fat slob. I don't want to look like a muscular hunk, because it doesn't exactly fit in with my persona of being intellectual or my values. I don't really value "looking tough"... to me, that screams insecure. Again, it's just not me, and I can't change who I am.
To be honest though, I've thrown in the cards on this one and started lifting weights a week ago.
Quote:
VP123 said: OP, maybe if you describe your typical dates, people here maybe able to contribute ideas. What works for some may not work for others. Maybe something less conventional than dinner, drinks or coffee. For some people physical activities like rock climbing works better (the physical exertion gets rid of the nervousness for both persons and makes social interaction easier). Maybe a concert if both have the same taste of music. Maybe a volunteer experience for both, etc.
If you describe a bit more the places you take your dates to and the nature of the interaction it may help figure out where the problem may be. If you are successful in other parts of your life, I bet your shyness is not the problem. I haven't seen anyone succeed by being shy with customers or co-workers. I doubt you work without interacting with anyone.
My first date is usually a FaceTime video call. If there's chemistry, I move it onto a sit-down event, like coffee or dinner. If that works, I then do a walking activity, like a museum. I'm actually fairly decent in converting first dates into a second or third date, but usually by the third date, they "discover" me. The last three women that dated me over the span of 2 years:
(1) Women #1 (4 dates): she told me that she wanted someone who was more of a "man", wasn't as anxiety-ridden. (2) Women #2 (3 dates): told me that I needed to "relax more and just be myself" (3) Women #3 (1 date): said she didn't like "quiet shy intellectual men".
Notice the theme here? Women don't like men who are like me. It's very clear they don't like soft spoken, shy, intellectual men. They don't.
At the end of the day, it doesn't how many dates I go on, I just got to be myself. And, if who I am, is fundamentally someone women don't like, it doesn't matter what activities I do and in what order I do them in.
You mention physical activities like rock climbing. Fuck no! That doesn't fit my type of style at all. I prefer more "getting to know you"-styled dates, where I can ask questions and learn (gee, that's novel for extroverts to understand, right?) That's why I like coffee and FaceTime. I don't feel comfortable doing an activity with someone who I don't even know what their personality or interests are like.
As for work, my shyness has definitely been a problem. I became a millionaire the old fashioned way, just through choosing a high-earning profession, grinding it out, and investing in the stock market. That's it. I've been fired two times in the span of 10 years, explicitly because I'm "not assertive" and "can't sit with a CEO", so, yeah, my shyness has hindered my professional success for SURE.
Quote:
LogicaL Chaos said:
Some places you might meet a shy woman:
Anime Convention Book Convention Comic Book/Movie/Geeky Convention Art/Dance Convention Music Festival (especially moody, chill, low-key, alternative, introspective music) Volunteering Activities/Helping the Community National Parks Solo-friendly Sports like Golf, Bowling, Frisbee Golf, Soccer, Basketball Libraries Museums Exhibits
I hope this list helps you.
It does. Now, where do I find them? I've walked around museums before, and women don't appear to want anything to do with me. They're generally with other groups, etc.
**
I'm depressed. The more I think of it, the more helpless I feel.
I just don't get why it's this hard to find a woman. I feel like most people are able to get relationships easily, it's just maintaining them that is hard. Turn on any radio, and they are all talking about relationships. I feel like I lack something so fundamental to human existence. I don't get why I'm so unique. It should not be this hard.
|
Roflspammer
Strangest



Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 1,901
Loc: New Hampshire
Last seen: 10 hours, 44 minutes
|
|
You aren't that unique. You need to work on yourself. I think you're getting decent signal that women are turned off by your (INSERT THING RELATED TO ANXIETY/NEGATIVE SELF-TALK/UNCONFIDENCE HERE). The order of operations is nested, but does have a vector direction toward it: first you get confident in yourself, then you attract a high value mate.
If you go the other way (mate --> confidence) you are probabilistically more likely to attract a low quality mate that you resent, then break up and find that you never had confidence in the first place. Run towards your anxiety. You're single and untethered presumably, so you really can do that (INSERT WILD ACTIVITY HERE THAT SCARES YOU a.k.a. LIVE YOUR LIFE).
Just my 2c, hope it stirs something inside you. If it does, try to understand that. If it doesn't, then let it fly.
|
Roflspammer
Strangest



Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 1,901
Loc: New Hampshire
Last seen: 10 hours, 44 minutes
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said:
Quote:
lifeiswhatyoumake said:
You mention physical activities like rock climbing. Fuck no! That doesn't fit my type of style at all. I prefer more "getting to know you"-styled dates, where I can ask questions and learn (gee, that's novel for extroverts to understand, right?) That's why I like coffee and FaceTime. I don't feel comfortable doing an activity with someone who I don't even know what their personality or interests are like.
This may also be telling; why are you uncomfortable living life in settings where you don't know the person? Do you not trust others? That's totally understandable if yes, but that's something women... no, people in general, can smell from a mile away. Not being able to trust on some level can indicate that you are untrustworthy. Would you date someone you suspected was untrusting? Trusting others, even if it is as little as trusting someone else to enjoy (INSERT YOUR FAVOURITE ACTIVITY HERE) with you, another thing you could consider working on.
|
Fridgedoor
Psssssst!


Registered: 09/13/20
Posts: 1,045
Last seen: 3 days, 7 hours
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: I don't really value "looking tough"... to me, that screams insecure.
I get that, but that doesn't matter when you're obviously already insecure not looking tough right? I mean working out is not necessarily about superficial things like looking good or being perceived as "manly". It can also do something to your mental state like balancing you out emotionally and therefore have a positive effect on how you interact with others.
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: I'm depressed. The more I think of it, the more helpless I feel.
I just don't get why it's this hard to find a woman. I feel like most people are able to get relationships easily, it's just maintaining them that is hard. Turn on any radio, and they are all talking about relationships. I feel like I lack something so fundamental to human existence. I don't get why I'm so unique. It should not be this hard.
Maybe turn off the radio. Don't compare yourself to others. Do your own thing.
Have you already considered to let go of this and try to achieve something else? I am asking as I struggled to find someone during my teenage years and I got really depressed over that, asking myself very similar questions. It was only when I kind of gave up and focused on other things that I met someone that I actually ended up in a relationship with.
I don't think it's hard to find a woman, it is hard to find the right woman. Obviously that also goes the other way around. Pick your partner carefully.
-------------------- Hokus Pokus Fidibus!
|
CreonAntigone
Stranger

Registered: 05/30/21
Posts: 2,875
|
Re: Is it hard to find a shy woman? [Re: Fridgedoor]
#28435890 - 08/16/23 09:33 AM (5 months, 10 days ago) |
|
|
OP, you're getting a lot of advice here but it's all good. I hope you can process it and maybe read over it if it starts to speak to you.
To the point of exercise being against intellectualism: it's not true. Studies show that resistance exercise, like lifting weights, literally helps restore cognitive function in the sick and helps preserve it into old age. It makes you SMARTER. Plato, in his Republic, decrees all the philosopher rulers start with a gymnastic regimen from a young age. Strength and smarts are partners, not opposites.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
Quote:
Roflspammer said: You aren't that unique. You need to work on yourself. I think you're getting decent signal that women are turned off by your (INSERT THING RELATED TO ANXIETY/NEGATIVE SELF-TALK/UNCONFIDENCE HERE). The order of operations is nested, but does have a vector direction toward it: first you get confident in yourself, then you attract a high value mate.
If you go the other way (mate --> confidence) you are probabilistically more likely to attract a low quality mate that you resent, then break up and find that you never had confidence in the first place. Run towards your anxiety. You're single and untethered presumably, so you really can do that (INSERT WILD ACTIVITY HERE THAT SCARES YOU a.k.a. LIVE YOUR LIFE).
Just my 2c, hope it stirs something inside you. If it does, try to understand that. If it doesn't, then let it fly.
Thanks, this was actually pretty good, as well as your comment about trusting other people a bit more in settings that I don't know them in. Unfortunately, again, I have pretty much every anxiety disorder in the book, and it makes it really difficult to do any of what you are suggesting.
Basically, you all are saying variations of... I need to develop confidence. I can still be shy and introverted, but I need to develop confidence. But what if I'm just innately a very unconfident person? I'm not confident about virtually anything in life; I don't know how anyone is.
I think people are taking for granted the ability to become confident.
I was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder. To give you an idea, this is the diagnostic criteria (5 or more need to be met; I meet all but one.
- Ideas of reference (but not delusions of reference) - Odd beliefs or magical thinking (e.g. the supernatural or special connection or bond to an abuser) - Unusual perceptional experiences (hearing a voice, dissociative experiences, illusions, etc.) - Odd thought and speech (e.g. jumping from one topic to another) - Eccentric behavior and/or appearance - Paranoid ideation - Moods and facial expressions that don't match each other or the situation - Few to no close supports - Excessive social anxiety that remains even with familiar people
Of relevance is "excessive social anxiety that remains even with familiar people. Fuck, I get nervous talking to my brothers! It's hard for me to talk to the bank teller. I've tried developing social skills and, honestly, the more exposure I get interacting with other people, I definitely don't think it makes me more confident. I think it really just makes me more annoyed at other humans.
I really think I'm shit out of luck.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
Because I have schizotypal personality, my social anxiety doesn't go away with increased exposure to the person. At least not after until MANY times of exposure. And it's always rough the first time I meet someone new, no matter what.
Personality disorders are notoriously difficult to change, there's no medicine for it, and some argue it simply can't be changed.
I think you all are presuming one can become confident, but that's just not in the cards for me.
I'm not sure why our culture has so much of a boner towards "confidence". It's not even that good of a trait to have in my books. I like nervous, shy, introspective, and humble.
|
Anonymous #2
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Rache2020]
#28435951 - 08/16/23 10:52 AM (5 months, 10 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Rache2020 said: So you haven't mentioned to any of these women that you're a millionaire yet am guessing lol.
LOL that would for sure do the trick getting into bed huh? For sure FTW. Things of that nature. Simply of the nature of sleeping with women because you mentioned you're a millionaire
|
CreonAntigone
Stranger

Registered: 05/30/21
Posts: 2,875
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: Because I have schizotypal personality, my social anxiety doesn't go away with increased exposure to the person. At least not after until MANY times of exposure. And it's always rough the first time I meet someone new, no matter what.
Personality disorders are notoriously difficult to change, there's no medicine for it, and some argue it simply can't be changed.
I think you all are presuming one can become confident, but that's just not in the cards for me.
I'm not sure why our culture has so much of a boner towards "confidence". It's not even that good of a trait to have in my books. I like nervous, shy, introspective, and humble.
Respectfully OP - this seems like a self sabotaging attitude. This is based on the idea that you 'cant be changed'. It's not true of anyone.
You have a certain type of personality. That doesn't mean you can't work with and develop that personality. Build the skills you have - use your strengths to overcome your weaknesses.
I don't agree that confidence is over-emphasized. In my mind it is neccesarily for all people - you can't exist in the world with no confidence. Even those who aren't outgoing need their own type of confidence. Confidence is simply acknowledging your abilities and believing in yourself. It's possible to be overconfident, but that isn't your problem here - you are dealing with a lack of it in your relationships, and so you should lean towards over rather than under to correct the imbalance.
You must in fact have some confidence if you have a million dollars. How could you make so many smart investments if you never believed in yourself? You have confidence in your job at least. You just don't have confidence in relationships.
I think you need a bit more respect for the skills and capacities you already have, which must be considerable.
I don't think I'll post more in this thread as I think you are getting a ton of advice and need time to process it. But I wanted to say being 'schizotypal' doesn't disqualify you from doing anything. Having a unique personality isn't a disorder. Work with who you are, respect who you are.
And I got to say, you should have skepticism about diagnoses of personality disorders such as this. Schizotypal personality sounds like schizophrenia, yet they diagnose it even if someone has no delusions and is not in any way sick... They diagnose it because someone thinks differently. It's a pathologizing of something that isn't a disease.
Edited by CreonAntigone (08/16/23 11:47 AM)
|
Rache2020
Stranger
Registered: 10/18/20
Posts: 315
Last seen: 23 hours, 43 minutes
|
|
Quote:
Anonymous #2 said:
Quote:
Rache2020 said: So you haven't mentioned to any of these women that you're a millionaire yet am guessing lol.
LOL that would for sure do the trick getting into bed huh? For sure FTW. Things of that nature. Simply of the nature of sleeping with women because you mentioned you're a millionaire
Haha no it was just a joke based on the fact he keeps casually telling us he's a millionaire. Which is kind of rare (at least where I come from!) I do get the impression he comes across as very high-brow and he's probably smarter than 95% of the population. Most average men and women are gonna struggle to find much in common with someone SO intellectually gifted. But I have confidence he will find that woman and settle down long-term.
Now I'm not an intellectual unfortunately, but I'm sure others on here will know where the smart chicks hang out?
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
I appreciate the great advice on here, but I don't think people are quite meeting me with where I'm at.
I definitely don't agree that you can just develop confidence... I think that's quite an assumption and presumes I haven't been trying to develop it for years. Believe me, my job has demanded it, and, when it's been demanded, I've failed. Again, I've been fired two times in the span of 10 years, because I was told I "lacked assertiveness" (strike one) and "could not hang with other executives" (strike two). The last job I left (strike three), the writing was on the wall, and I was told in my review that I lacked "situational awareness" and was "socially awkward". These are not things that I haven't tried to correct, especially with each successive occasion that's left me increasingly demoralized--it's more an aspect of my personality that is fundamentally very impossible for me to correct. Sure, not impossible, but very, very difficult.
Where do I go to meet other women in book clubs, art classes, and so forth? Where do I find these activities? And why would the women there even be interested in me? I live in Miami; I don't know where to find any activities shy, like-minded women are at.
I don't know how to translate the advice that I'm getting into practical action.
Edited by EternalDreamer (08/16/23 12:32 PM)
|
lifeiswhatyoumake
Trance in my sig n blood



Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 16,711
Last seen: 2 hours, 44 minutes
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said:
Quote:
lifeiswhatyoumake said: OP, do you exercise/lift weights?
I don't lift weights, but I am lean. Not a fat slob. I don't want to look like a muscular hunk, because it doesn't exactly fit in with my persona of being intellectual or my values. I don't really value "looking tough"... to me, that screams insecure. Again, it's just not me, and I can't change who I am.
To be honest though, I've thrown in the cards on this one and started lifting weights a week ago.
You don't have to look like a muscular hunk to get the benefits of exercise/weight lifting. I read a study recently that said something like lifting heavy weights even for 30 seconds a day can positively effect your health. I run and lift weights for a few reasons:
1. it's healthy. When you're healthy you feel better and more confident. When you feel better you attract more girls/boys. 2. it feels good. You get that natural high from endorphins, serotonin, dopamine. 3. you can meet other like-minded people trying to better themselves.
What kind of exercise/weight lifting have you been doing the last few weeks?
I don't think you understand what "insecure" means because lifting weights isn't an obvious sign of being insecure. It's just a sign of someone wanting to better themself.
"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"The resistance that you fight physically in the gym and the resistance that you fight in life can only build a strong character."
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
Quote:
EternalDreamer said:
My first date is usually a FaceTime video call. If there's chemistry, I move it onto a sit-down event, like coffee or dinner. If that works, I then do a walking activity, like a museum.
hell ya, I love museum dates. I started talking to this one girl online for a few weeks, then we had out first date at a science museum. After walking around for an hour or so we went outside and sat at a bench for a while. Eventually, I asked her if I could kiss her and she said yes. This was the first date still, don't forget. We were together for many months after that. Maybe you should try to make a move earlier than you currently do? And by "move" I mean kiss. Make sure to ask politely and look her in the eyes when you do.
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: I'm actually fairly decent in converting first dates into a second or third date, but usually by the third date, they "discover" me.
What, do they see your reptilian skin showing from when your pants are rolled up too high or something?
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: The last three women that dated me over the span of 2 years:
(1) Women #1 (4 dates): she told me that she wanted someone who was more of a "man", wasn't as anxiety-ridden. (2) Women #2 (3 dates): told me that I needed to "relax more and just be myself" (3) Women #3 (1 date): said she didn't like "quiet shy intellectual men".
Everyone is different. yes, some girls won't like quiet, shy intellectual men. Others will love them. Just keep your chin up and looking and you'll find the right one for you, I promise.
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: I'm depressed. The more I think of it, the more helpless I feel.
Bro, trust me, exercise/lifting weights will help combat depression. Get into a routine and stick to it. You'll see how much it can help.
--------------------
  I dropped a trance track "Peace Love & Trance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4uQBM-mRYU ;   
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
All, thanks for the advice on here--it's really helpful.
|
LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,325
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 24 minutes, 22 seconds
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: I appreciate the great advice on here, but I don't think people are quite meeting me with where I'm at.
Where do I go to meet other women in book clubs, art classes, and so forth? Where do I find these activities? And why would the women there even be interested in me? I live in Miami; I don't know where to find any activities shy, like-minded women are at.
I don't know how to translate the advice that I'm getting into practical action.
Well, do your research! Look online for local events. Keep doing research on local events where shy women would gather at.
Also, I forgot you were in Miami. Miami is probably the worst place to find a shy woman, probably why you are having so little luck with finding a woman. As a general stereotype, women who live in Miami are probably really outgoing and desire men who are as well.
Check out this cool map showing personalities by region in the US: https://www.16personalities.com/country-profiles/global/united-states#global
Have you considered moving to New Mexico, West Virgina, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or the Pacific Northwest?
|
Patchouli_Savage


Registered: 12/26/13
Posts: 712
Loc: Somewhere between here an...
Last seen: 7 hours, 34 minutes
|
|
Lots of good advice in this thread.
I'm wondering if you genuinely enjoy spending time with yourself? Most confident people I know genuinely enjoy their own company, whether they're shy or extroverted.
Also, it sounds like your disposition would be off-putting for me in person. There is nothing attractive about people who settle for partners they don't really want just to be partnered. As far as your shyness goes; shy men aren't off-putting to me so much as insecure men (and there is a difference, just like there is a difference between confidence and machismo).
You keep asking how to magically cultivate confidence- I think confidence stems from forming a healthy relationship with yourself first and foremost.
It sounds like you've achieved the material markers of success and are blessed with good genetics- but how do you really feel about yourself as a person if you strip away your material wealth and your looks?
-------------------- "You are a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust. What do you have to be scared of?"
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
|
Quote:
Patchouli_Savage said: Lots of good advice in this thread.
I'm wondering if you genuinely enjoy spending time with yourself? Most confident people I know genuinely enjoy their own company, whether they're shy or extroverted.
Also, it sounds like your disposition would be off-putting for me in person. There is nothing attractive about people who settle for partners they don't really want just to be partnered. As far as your shyness goes; shy men aren't off-putting to me so much as insecure men (and there is a difference, just like there is a difference between confidence and machismo).
You keep asking how to magically cultivate confidence- I think confidence stems from forming a healthy relationship with yourself first and foremost.
It sounds like you've achieved the material markers of success and are blessed with good genetics- but how do you really feel about yourself as a person if you strip away your material wealth and your looks?
Wow. This was incredible. Thank you... (not being sarcastic)
I was obviously just "missing" something before.
Yes, I genuinely enjoy spending time with myself. I think that's the problem, I enjoy spending too much time with myself...
|
Anonymous #2
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28446991 - 08/26/23 03:33 AM (5 months, 15 hours ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: A hard man is good to find.

Don't you mean a Good Man is Hard to Find?
oh no never mind you're talking about erections
|
CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,146
|
|
I kinda skimmed the thread but has anyone brought up your ability to carry a conversation? No one likes talking to a brick wall. Or worse someone that can only talk about themselves and not express interest in what the other person is saying.
If you do think you have a nice middle ground in conversation then maybe you should examine how you are saying things.
Since you are shy I would encourage you to go on dates where you aren't expected to talk the whole time (bowling is good, yes a weird date choice but hey games are fun.) Or maybe to the zoo or something. That makes conversation easy because you can fill in conversational gaps with the date experience itself. Comment on the monkeys or the game.
While the dating app pool isn't amazing compared to what's out there if literally every woman is gone after the first date I'm afraid your problem might not be that you're shy but rather that you're coming off extremely boring due to poor conversational skills.
Practice with friends and family if you think that's the case. Take your mom out to eat. Or better yet your cousin who you've barely spoken to in 10 years. Pay attention to how they are speaking and what you do that makes them speak more or less and seem more or less comfortable. If you do have common ground try to find a nice balance with talking about the topic and making it personal without making it all about yourself.
Also keep in mind that different people have different preferences. Some actually would just prefer you to sit there and nod and make small comments while they talk your ear off. Some would rather you do the majority of talking. Pay attention to that. Build up that emotional intelligence.
--------------------
Free time is the only time
|
theRealrollforever
I DID-DENT



Registered: 08/31/13
Posts: 12,736
Loc: Bada-Bing!
Last seen: 2 days, 59 minutes
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: Because I have schizotypal personality, my social anxiety doesn't go away with increased exposure to the person. At least not after until MANY times of exposure. And it's always rough the first time I meet someone new, no matter what.
Personality disorders are notoriously difficult to change, there's no medicine for it, and some argue it simply can't be changed.
I think you all are presuming one can become confident, but that's just not in the cards for me.
I'm not sure why our culture has so much of a boner towards "confidence". It's not even that good of a trait to have in my books. I like nervous, shy, introspective, and humble.
You can be confident and humble. You are trying very hard to split hairs and create a "self-fulfilling prophecy".
Ya ever heard the Nike slogan? "Just do it." Apply that to advice in this thread.
Then get back up and put one foot in front of the other until you are at your goal.
Convincing yourself you're unable to change is ultimately the root cause of stagnation
"More is lost by indecision than by wrong decision."
It's mostly true, with a few exceptions but don't focus on them. Interacting with others isn't one of them.
--------------------
sunshine said: The order has to be secret and no one is sure.
|
durian_2008
Cornucopian Eating an Elephant



Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 16,685
Loc: Raccoon City
|
|
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuck,_marry,_kill
Or, formally, people are asked whether you want to know her platonically, sexually, or as a life partner.
|
Joh.Ke
Stranger
Registered: 07/03/23
Posts: 353
Last seen: 31 minutes, 19 seconds
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: durian_2008]
#28451579 - 08/29/23 07:46 PM (4 months, 27 days ago) |
|
|
How tall are you? Are you fat? If you are of at least average height, and you are a millionaire, you really shouldn't have any trouble.
You say that you are shy. Does this mean you have trouble maintaining eye contact with your dates? Try and look them in the eyes and then smile. Doing this shows that you are confident and approachable.
Sorry I can't be of further help. It's hard to give you proper advice without seeing you in action.
|
Fallingrace67
MycoMama



Registered: 06/20/23
Posts: 110
Last seen: 4 months, 16 days
|
|
Awww you sound sweet. If I wasnt already married I'd go on a date with ya 🤣
Unfortunately I find most people aren't very introspective... now I'm gonna talk specifically women... most women like a certain type of guy and I'm not sure if they even know why they make that choice for themselves. Most people don't grow up with 2 parents households and even if they do many times the parents aren't always emotionally functional. Add to it people our age have typically had dads go off to work... So without dad's support many women get daddy issues ... to fill that void they sub-consciously pick guys who aren't nice because the "love" they know and are used to seeing is a dad who's emotionally unavailable.
I think that's why most women, until self-actualized (or just tired of b.s.), pick assholes instead of nice guys
Sorry if any of that didn't make sense. Just tried mushies for the 3rd time ever... first ever home grown.
But everyone likes confidence. Have you worked on self-love techniques yet? If you don't like you why expect someone else to? You should sell yourself.... instead of saying "I'm shy " you could say "I'm quiet because I want to know about you"
Just like that... be confident in your good qualities and what you have to offer... you can still be shy or quiet... but if when talking to a woman you know for a fact that the qualities and other things you have to offer to her and bring to the table make you the best option for her... know it in your heart and you will have whoever you want.
Edited by Fallingrace67 (08/29/23 11:08 PM)
|
TheGoblin


Registered: 03/30/23
Posts: 53
Last seen: 1 month, 9 days
|
|
Do you have many buddies? You can hang out with a group of friends who also bring some other people along for a BBQ or something. It may be more comfortable having people you know well around too... you may not connect with anyone there romantically, but you'll get to level up your conversation skills too.
Edited by TheGoblin (09/01/23 02:40 PM)
|
RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,014
Loc: USA
Last seen: 3 hours, 20 minutes
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said:
I definitely don't agree that you can just develop confidence...
Confidence is simply a lack of fear.
Fear can be overcome.
|
Anonymous #3
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
#28455984 - 09/02/23 12:21 PM (4 months, 24 days ago) |
|
|
You most certainly can develop confidence. I'm close to 50 and it doesn't hurt that I'm above average looking and have an trim physique, but when I was younger I definitely had a good deal of social anxiety and nerves talking to women or anyone for that matter
I talk to women in bars now with no intention of hitting on them or complimenting them or anything and I get the vibe pretty often that they'd be willing to entertain the idea of getting naked with me. Some are close to my age and some so young I think why are you looking at me like that. There's a certain subtle look in their eyes and a faint air of playfulness when she's interested. I seriously believe it has a lot to do with me having no designs on hitting on them that draws them like moths to a flame
I wish I could be more help but it's real hard to get traction when you have none. Women are pretty difficult creatures to understand but it's a game of subtleties and it's really easy to overthink it
|
nooneman


Registered: 04/24/09
Posts: 14,555
Loc: Utah
|
|
It's just a numbers game. If you go on enough dates, you'll eventually find someone.
There's an interesting experiment in psychology where you have a lever that delivers food randomly when pressed, and you put a chicken in a cage with the lever. Rather than figuring out that the food is delivered randomly, the chicken begins to believe that some action they are performing is associated with getting food, so they begin to perform bizarre ritualistic actions that they believe cause them to get food, when in fact the process is just random.
That's what a lot of dating advice reminds me of. I think it's a largely random process. Regardless, it's definitely a numbers game.
I think one big thing is that if you can meet women in person, the process is a lot faster. That's the big downside to online dating IMO, it's a much slower process. If you meet a bunch of single people in person, you'll know very quickly the ones who are attracted to you.
Pretty much all the women I've slept with were attracted to me right off the bat. The ones that weren't never were. Sometimes I went on several dates with someone, and in the end it seems like they felt the same about me as they did in the first five minutes. Same with the ones who were attracted to me. I sometimes second guess this and don't go with my instinct, but it's never lead me to anything.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: nooneman] 1
#28458758 - 09/04/23 06:41 PM (4 months, 22 days ago) |
|
|
OK, thanks, so I went on a date with a woman. We had so much in common. She's a vegetarian and so am I, we both value education, we both like the same kind of music. Sounds great, right?
Well, we went on one date at a coffee house. It was somewhat awkward, but we had enough in common to make it to the second date. The following week, we went to a museum together. After that, she dumped me. (And, bear in mind, I absolutely hate to say this, but she's 30 and probably even more "in a rush" than me).
She said the same thing everyone else is saying about me "I want to be honest, you are very sweet and nice, but I don't think it's going to work".
Schizotypal personality disorder (STPD) is a mental health condition marked by a consistent pattern of intense discomfort with close relationships and social interactions.
One of the diagnostic criteria is: Excessive social anxiety that remains even with familiar people
I think this is what people on here are not appreciating. Everyone says you can develop confidence, but I've tried to develop it for years, and it doesn't work. I've needed it for my job, and, because I was unable to develop it, I got fired effectively 3 times in the span of 5 years. The only reason I'm a millionaire is because I chose a high-paying career, properly saved, and just generally grinded it out - no secret sauce whatsoever. In fact, I'll give you my "Ten Step Guide to Becoming a Millionaire in 10 years" with money back guaranteed, if you give me your advice on how to fucking find one women in the world that is willing to accept me for who I am. I promise, I'm really not that bad of a person. Yes, I'm cringeworthingly shy, introspective, like cats, sometimes say the wrong things, but it's not like I'm out to hurt anyone or be mean. I don't get it.
While people scoff at the idea of "schizotypal personality disorder", clinicians didn't make it up just to be funny. It's a serious personality disorder that really has life effects and, unfortunately, personality disorders are really not like something like asthma; it really has poor records of being treated. Try for instance treating a person who is a psychopath -- they are not going to change. Ever tried to change someone's personality who just couldn't be changed? That's personality for ya.
As for the comment on whether I'm good with conversation. No, I am not. I am shy, particularly because social conversation has never gone well with me. I am very convinced that I am boring when I speak, and that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy in action.
I also appreciate the person on here who said she would go on with a date with me. It may seem like a little thing, but comments like that are actually very validating (hopefully, it wasn't totally a joke and had some basis in reality). Thank you!
More than anything, what I don't get is this: there are so many guys out there who are just... how do I put it kindly... bad people. We all know them. They are wife beaters, hateful towards others, never mind unsuccessful. They're just bad people. And yet, they seem to be able to have no problem "finding" women, marrying, and so forth. Sure, they wind up divorced, but getting a women is not hard for them. I don't understand why it's "this" hard for me. Evolution shouldn't have allowed for it, quite frankly.
For me, this feels almost impossible. It feels like I genuinely am being asked to walk on water when people say that I should develop my confidence.
I'm just completely lost in this. I have no idea how to engage with the community to even find a spouse. Where do I go to look for events for like-minded adults? I'm 31 years old; I want a partner, someone to spend my life with. People on here advised me not to pursue the girl that I'm not attracted to, but my thought process at this point, is that I'd rather be with someone who I could love despite not, on the surface, really caring for their personality or looks, I'd rather take than that than just continue to be alone.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: nooneman]
#28458761 - 09/04/23 06:48 PM (4 months, 22 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
nooneman said: It's just a numbers game. If you go on enough dates, you'll eventually find someone.
There's an interesting experiment in psychology where you have a lever that delivers food randomly when pressed, and you put a chicken in a cage with the lever. Rather than figuring out that the food is delivered randomly, the chicken begins to believe that some action they are performing is associated with getting food, so they begin to perform bizarre ritualistic actions that they believe cause them to get food, when in fact the process is just random.
That's what a lot of dating advice reminds me of. I think it's a largely random process. Regardless, it's definitely a numbers game.
I think one big thing is that if you can meet women in person, the process is a lot faster. That's the big downside to online dating IMO, it's a much slower process. If you meet a bunch of single people in person, you'll know very quickly the ones who are attracted to you.
Pretty much all the women I've slept with were attracted to me right off the bat. The ones that weren't never were. Sometimes I went on several dates with someone, and in the end it seems like they felt the same about me as they did in the first five minutes. Same with the ones who were attracted to me. I sometimes second guess this and don't go with my instinct, but it's never lead me to anything.
This is an incredibly helpful post, and I think it gets to the core of my problem.
There were three women that went absolutely nuts about me and I didn't have to even do anything. It was just like magnetic. (One was in college and was too early; the other two women, they had other issues going on).
I feel like you can't force it; women are either going to be attracted to you or not. It's not like a relationship that snowballs; the spark is either there or not.
I think what my problem is is, however, that I don't really see too many women who have that spark for me. I've always just got the feeling that women are not interested in me for whatever reason. I don't see the spark in them for me.
|
EternalDreamer
Stranger
Registered: 02/09/20
Posts: 47
Last seen: 23 days, 22 hours
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: TheGoblin] 1
#28458762 - 09/04/23 06:51 PM (4 months, 22 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
TheGoblin said: Do you have many buddies? You can hang out with a group of friends who also bring some other people along for a BBQ or something. It may be more comfortable having people you know well around too... you may not connect with anyone there romantically, but you'll get to level up your conversation skills too.
I don't have buddies and never did for the same reason that I never had a girlfriend. I was always partnerless in gym class, in college, pretty much everywhere. It's not something I asked for, but it just seems like people instinctively gravitate away from me. I can't figure it out: I'm not ugly, I'm not lazy, I'm not mean. I just can't seem to form friends or relationships.
It really hurts, but it's especially problematic when I'm trying to form a family. As I said, schizotypal personality disorder is at work here.
|
Anonymous #3
|
|
Quote:
EternalDreamer said: There were three women that went absolutely nuts about me and I didn't have to even do anything. It was just like magnetic. (One was in college and was too early; the other two women, they had other issues going on).
I feel like you can't force it; women are either going to be attracted to you or not. It's not like a relationship that snowballs; the spark is either there or not.
I think what my problem is is, however, that I don't really see too many women who have that spark for me. I've always just got the feeling that women are not interested in me for whatever reason. I don't see the spark in them for me.
Just realized you said you've had 3 women go nuts about you...dude that means more than you think. Unfortunately it sounds like you found reasons to brush them off. If a woman shows interest in you, that's your girl.. seriously, strike when the iron is hot and all that shit Don't make excuses not to jump in head first and don't presume that because something is happening that you're gonna have a future with her. It's all about being in the moment. Don't freeze, don't think, be pretty drunk if that helps
Don't look for the spark, BE the spark. Fuck what they think unless it's positive toward you, then you can give a shit about what they think, but yeah, it's a fine line between not caring and blowing women off, between being aloof and being an ass It's best to keep them wondering and slightly off balance, intrigued and all that. I know it sounds like head games but believe me, if you aren't playing games, you aren't gonna get anywhere. Accept that way of the world and find your way thru it Lots of women out there want to get laid too and despite what they might've convinced you of, they DO want attention and they DO want to get banged, sometimes without a lot of other bullshit
Lastly, if a woman thinks you NEED her, it's over, if she thinks you have something to offer her it's game on!
|
B Traven
Stranger



Registered: 03/10/20
Posts: 2,479
Loc: Central Megalopolis
Last seen: 44 minutes
|
|
I got a question: is it hard to find a million dollars?
Think I'll start a bunch of threads on it, and try to get a bunch of strangers on the internet to sort it out for me.
Don't have time to get into it, but sufficed to say, I'm an awesome guy who deserves a million dollars. But somehow, my money always dissipates. And also, it's never a million dollars.
Several people have been enthusiastic about working with me on business opportunities, but I blew them all off.
Guess I'll keep poking around onlne, the answer must be here somewhere.
-------------------- Beware of advice- even this.
Edited by B Traven (09/15/23 10:15 AM)
|
RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,014
Loc: USA
Last seen: 3 hours, 20 minutes
|
|
Quote:
Anonymous #3 said:
Just realized you said you've had 3 women go nuts about you...dude that means more than you think. Unfortunately it sounds like you found reasons to brush them off. If a woman shows interest in you, that's your girl.. seriously, strike when the iron is hot
Many men are seeking their vision of pure idealized unconditional love.
Which is rooted in the relationship with their mother.
Quote:
Anonymous #3 said:
Lastly, if a woman thinks you NEED her, it's over, if she thinks you have something to offer her it's game on!

Go out into the world and spread your love. Don't go looking to get it.
|
durian_2008
Cornucopian Eating an Elephant



Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 16,685
Loc: Raccoon City
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
#28470075 - 09/15/23 01:43 PM (4 months, 11 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Schizotypal personality disorder (STPD) is a mental health condition marked by a consistent pattern of intense discomfort with close relationships and social interactions.
One of the diagnostic criteria is: Excessive social anxiety that remains even with familiar people
But, my experience with schizoids is they believe that someone is laughing at them or plotting.
Are you just uncomfortable with strange women, who are not that familiar, and who are not making themselves very available. That would be good instincts.

Or, do they have backstories that would sound fantastical to the neurotypicals.
No offense, because I don't mind unconventional ways of thinking.
|
theRealrollforever
I DID-DENT



Registered: 08/31/13
Posts: 12,736
Loc: Bada-Bing!
Last seen: 2 days, 59 minutes
|
Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: B Traven] 1
#28470265 - 09/15/23 04:31 PM (4 months, 11 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
B Traven said: I got a question: is it hard to find a million dollars?
Think I'll start a bunch of threads on it, and try to get a bunch of strangers on the internet to sort it out for me.
Don't have time to get into it, but sufficed to say, I'm an awesome guy who deserves a million dollars. But somehow, my money always dissipates. And also, it's never a million dollars.
Several people have been enthusiastic about working with me on business opportunities, but I blew them all off.
Guess I'll keep poking around onlne, the answer must be here somewhere.
OR HE COULD GO TO THE PHILLIPINES
--------------------
sunshine said: The order has to be secret and no one is sure.
|
|