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EternalDreamer
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Is it hard to find a woman?
#28433913 - 08/14/23 02:40 PM (5 months, 12 days ago) |
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I know I already have another thread going here, but I think my issue is so serious, it's worthy of two separate threads.
Basically, I'm really confused. I'm a 31 year old virgin guy who is safe, called "sweet" and "nice", has a good head of hair, millionaire. However, I am very shy and insecure. (Not so shy as to be completely ridiculous, but definitely on the shy-side). I've been on 3 dating apps, I swipe right on nearly every girl (maybe ~100 a day), and yet I'm still not able to attract any women. I get a date maybe once a month, but it never goes anywhere.
I feel like I have no standards any more. I'm thinking about messaging a women back who I'm not even attracted to in the slightest, because I'd rather be with someone that I'm not that interested in than just continue to be alone.
This is fucking impossible. No way it's this hard to find a woman.
I'm just confused... would you say it's actually easy to attract a woman?
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VP123
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Quote:
EternalDreamer said: I get a date maybe once a month, but it never goes anywhere.
If you get to go on a date with a woman, you don't have a problem finding women. Your problem is keeping them.
Since you have the money, why not go to a matchmaker? The matchmaker may be able to set you up with potential dates and after going out with a few of the dates set up for you, the matchmaker may be able to provide you with feedback on why you can't go beyond the first date. Being shy definitely makes it harder to get a date but lots of women don't mind a shy guy once the first interaction has been established.
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lifeiswhatyoumake
Trance in my sig n blood



Registered: 09/30/11
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Quote:
EternalDreamer said: I get a date maybe once a month, but it never goes anywhere.
That's great you get a date a month! Why don't they go anywhere, though?
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EternalDreamer said: I feel like I have no standards any more. I'm thinking about messaging a women back who I'm not even attracted to in the slightest, because I'd rather be with someone that I'm not that interested in than just continue to be alone.
I wouldn't do that. Doesn't sound healthy for you.
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EternalDreamer said: This is fucking impossible. No way it's this hard to find a woman.
I'm just confused... would you say it's actually easy to attract a woman?
You have proven you attract women. You're being too hard on yourself.
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Anonymous #1
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A hard man is good to find.
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EternalDreamer
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Registered: 02/09/20
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Appreciate the words lifeiswhatyoumake, but I don't think averaging a date a month after swiping "yes" on ~100 women daily in a major metropolitan area gets to count as proof that I "attract women". It's more poof that probability over a large enough repetition will produce random flukes every now and then. The dates that I wind up getting prove that out, since the women wind up being... let's just say, not the most put together people. And even they don't take it forward pursuing me probably because of what the hundreds of other women have decided upon: it's not in the cards for me.
I think it just all boils down to that I'm not great around people: I'm shy, not confident, and I'm like the total opposite of charismatic. I'm just a little confused though why me being shy, not confident, and opposite makes my odds go from rare to impossible. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid, it's not like I'm expecting scores of women to be attracted to me, but, yeah, I would expect something to just happen naturally after 15 years of being available.
Again, 31, and I have come nowhere close to getting a girlfriend--or even a fleeting relationship--my entire life. I don't understand how it's so easy for people.
Like, only 5% of people are virgins past the age of 30, and the vast majority of them are it due to for religious reasons or a serious disability.
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EternalDreamer
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Oh, boy, am I going to have a field day over this for years to come.
So, I finally, just got the rejection text from the girl, and she explains that she doesn't like "soft spoken guys". She goes on: "quiet and shy intellectual guy" isn't for me.
I thanked her and appreciated her opinions.
Privately, I'm frustrated though.
So, that's it. My personality is just not attractive to women.
Is there any woman for me?
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Anonymous #1
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Have you tried not being you or being so selfish?
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CreonAntigone
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Registered: 05/30/21
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Anonymous #1] 2
#28434220 - 08/14/23 07:12 PM (5 months, 12 days ago) |
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Change tactics. You find whatever people are hanging around in that environment. You go on a dating app, they find mostly younger people who are looking for casual things, and who are superficial. You may not find the women who are into those with your qualities.
You've already proven 'swiping' rarely works for you. FYI, swiping on everyone hurts your chances by downgrading your value. But those apps are just a game. Sometimes you get regarded as low-value by the algorithm at the start and it won't give you a fair chance.
So stop swiping. Go elsewhere. Where would a woman that wants a quiet guy, not osentacious, be? Maybe an upscale bar? Or maybe a bookstore, or a craft fair, or a cooking class? Maybe you could find a match through recommendations from friends or cousins? Maybe a pay dating service, which will be miles better than swiping? Heck, even speedating would be better than swiping in your case. You've already proven the apps don't work for you.
Don't let your self-worth get defined by an algorthm. You need confidence; these apps are SAPPING your confidence. You need charisma and a real connection. Don't spend your time talking to people who've chatted with 50 other guys that day (as is the case with many on apps like that). Maybe that would work for someone different, but not you. You need to be smarter in your approach.
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So, that's it. My personality is just not attractive to women.
That hasn't been demonstrated. All that's been demonstrated is that some of the women on tinder specifically aren't looking for you. And if you have poor success early, tinder actually only gives you bad matches intentionally to encourage you to buy the premium service. It proves nothing.
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Rache2020
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So you haven't mentioned to any of these women that you're a millionaire yet am guessing lol.
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EternalDreamer
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Quote:
Rache2020 said: So you haven't mentioned to any of these women that you're a millionaire yet am guessing lol.
No, I have not mentioned that I'm a millionaire. I don't like to flaunt it and, to be honest, I don't respect people that do. I'm your stereotypical "nice" guy (I'm coming across pretty arrogantly here though, because I've hit a limit and come to vent). I really don't do the whole, "look at me, I'm a tough, successful guy" kind of thing. It's not really my style.
With that said, you can suspect I'm well-off, because I say I went to a top college and currently work in Finance on my dating profile.
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CreonAntigone said: Change tactics. You find whatever people are hanging around in that environment. You go on a dating app, they find mostly younger people who are looking for casual things, and who are superficial. You may not find the women who are into those with your qualities.
Great advice (not sarcastic, seriously). A few questions naturally follow though:
(1) There's lots of women on dating apps. It's not like it's a monolithic group of women. Although you're right that many of them are "younger people who are looking for casual things", probability would have it that there would be some women in that group that are different. In fact, I would hazard a guess that there are a good deal of shy women on there that don't feel comfortable in the normal dating scene and would better understand someone like me. If anything, I would think online dating would contain a higher proportion of shyer people than "outside activities" would, which you seem to be advocating.
The girl that dumped me and said I was "shy, quiet, and too intellectual" herself told me that she was introverted. So, apparently, I'm too introverted for the introverts!
(2) What events can I participate in that would actually present women who are interested in being pursued? The problem is that I feel weird being in an art class and then hitting on some girl there. That's creepy, anxiety-provoking, and rude in my book. Also, I think you missed the part where I said I am shy.
(3) I've joined singles mixers before, and it was absolute torture for me. Basically, the men dominated the women by 70:30, and no women approached me. They didn't make any contact with me.
(4) What is a list of things I can participate in where I would attract women who fit my personality?
I'm deeply confused. I'm 31 years old, decent looking, millionaire, and I find it absolutely impossible to attract a woman. As I said in another thread, evolution should have ruled me out already: it's no way it's this hard... I'd rather walk on lava than deal with the endless cycle of anxiety, social awkwardness, rejection, expectation build up, and ultimate rejection. Fucking crap... everyone seems to get a relationship, except me. Why is it this fucking hard?!!?!?!? Is it this hard for other men?
I've asked people if I'm ugly, and I've been told repeatedly that I am above average looking.
The issue is so severe, that I've asked a psychiatrist if I'm psychotic, because I feel like I'm just missing something so basic in life. Like, how is my sense of reality and ability to make friends / pursue women this inept. It's a pretty basic function of living, and I don't seem capable of it.
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EternalDreamer
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Seriously, can anyone here just hook me up with anyone? I'm willing to date almost anyone, even if she is not attractive to me personally, doesn't have a job, and has an odd personality. All I ask is that she gives me a chance and is open minded. Will anyone take me?!
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CreonAntigone
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Registered: 05/30/21
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Quote:
EternalDreamer said: (1) There's lots of women on dating apps. It's not like it's a monolithic group of women. Although you're right that many of them are "younger people who are looking for casual things", probability would have it that there would be some women in that group that are different. In fact, I would hazard a guess that there are a good deal of shy women on there that don't feel comfortable in the normal dating scene and would better understand someone like me. If anything, I would think online dating would contain a higher proportion of shyer people than "outside activities" would, which you seem to be advocating.
That would be true IF dating apps show you a fair and random assortment of women. They don't. If you get lower than average swipes in the first few weeks of use, you get judged low value by the algorithm. From there you are only shown people that are judged low value. I'm not saying they're bad people, but the people you are being shown are not an accurate cross-section of American women... they're precisely the people that most others pass on.
The shy women who might understand you either A. give up on the app or B. find someone quickly. Women get much more matches on there. It's a rigged game, it's all secretive, there's no winning it unless you know how to rig the game in your favor.
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The girl that dumped me and said I was "shy, quiet, and too intellectual" herself told me that she was introverted. So, apparently, I'm too introverted for the introverts!
You can't get hung up on what that one woman said. You have to move on. Plenty of women ARE looking for introverted types.
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(2) What events can I participate in that would actually present women who are interested in being pursued? The problem is that I feel weird being in an art class and then hitting on some girl there. That's creepy, anxiety-provoking, and rude in my book. Also, I think you missed the part where I said I am shy.
(3) I've joined singles mixers before, and it was absolute torture for me. Basically, the men dominated the women by 70:30, and no women approached me. They didn't make any contact with me.
If it's important to you, you'll need to overcome that shyness. And you need to develop confidence. If you cultivate enough confidence internally, not only will you care less about getting dates, but magically you will exude that confidence and get dates.
If it's that important to you, work on it as a skill. Talk to that psychiatrist (if you still are seeing them) about overcoming shyness.
Approach and say hi to some women in confortable settings. It's not weird to just say hi. You don't need to approach right off the bat with romantic intentions. Try to strike up a conversation. You may fail the first time, you need to get over that part. Try again.
Stop saying you'll date women who aren't attractive. Set your own standards higher, value yourself more.
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(4) What is a list of things I can participate in where I would attract women who fit my personality?
Whatever could be your true hobby. Is it hiking? Join a hiking group. Or coed bowling, or anything you'd have fun with. Don't hit on the women right away, that doesn't seem your style, just get to know them. Then a spark can develop or not.
If you practice the art of approaching people and overcome your lack of confidence and shyness, you'll be capable of seeing if romantic sparks develop in new places.
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EternalDreamer
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My hobbies are psychedelics, weed, video games, lucid dreaming, philosophy, spirituality & mysticism, hiking, bowling, vegetarianism. I love nature and animals. I get such a thrill out of quiet activities too, like reading or surfing the Internet.
I got burned badly when I just dated a girl that was interested in psychedelics and she said I was introverted, and then I turned out being too introverted even for her. She dumped me after the first date, saying I was too "shy". Seriously!
Where would I go to find people who are interested in activities similar to mine? How do I find them? I don't have any friends here, and I've never been able to make friends. I was the guy who was always partnerless in gym class.
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Rache2020
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Quote:
No, I have not mentioned that I'm a millionaire. I don't like to flaunt it and, to be honest, I don't respect people that do. I'm your stereotypical "nice" guy (I'm coming across pretty arrogantly here though, because I've hit a limit and come to vent). I really don't do the whole, "look at me, I'm a tough, successful guy" kind of thing. It's not really my style.
With that said, you can suspect I'm well-off, because I say I went to a top college and currently work in Finance on my dating profile.
Yeh you're doing the right thing there. I only made the comment because of how you just casually slip in you're a millionaire lol...maybe I'm just hanging round with the wrong group, but I don't know anyone who is a millionaire! No offence, it just made me smile. You're obviously excelling at your job just struggling with social skills a little bit. It sounds like you have loads of hobbies to talk about so that's a good start. Although I think some of those will be a bit alternative for a lot of women. Oh yeh weed is a turn off too, skip telling women about that particular hobby...unless you know she's into it as well.
I think you need to stick to light-hearted things on the first few dates, don't get deep and intellectual it'll be too heavy. You can have the philosophy debates later on.
You can approach women at singles mixers! Isn't that the point? Women are really unlikely to approach you because we assume the guy is going to be proactive and if he's interested he'll do the approaching.
You sound like you just need to develop your social skills that's all. What sort of things did you talk about on your dates? Did you ask about her? Did you make her laugh? Talk about her hobbies or where she last went on vacation?
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Rache2020
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Rache2020]
#28434409 - 08/14/23 10:24 PM (5 months, 11 days ago) |
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Come to think of it weed could be causing/exacerbating your problems, especially if you take it enough to refer to it as a "hobby". Just a thought, never taken it myself but it does change people sometimes...
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Citizen X
Call me Pepper,,

Registered: 01/19/14
Posts: 7,787
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Rache2020] 4
#28434537 - 08/15/23 02:28 AM (5 months, 11 days ago) |
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Have a couple of drinks and loosen up bro. You could use wing man Stop being so nice Get a new style, haircut, sneakers Learn some jokes
If none of this works I’ll give you butt sex
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Rate me here
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




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Quote:
EternalDreamer said: Seriously, can anyone here just hook me up with anyone? I'm willing to date almost anyone, even if she is not attractive to me personally, doesn't have a job, and has an odd personality. All I ask is that she gives me a chance and is open minded. Will anyone take me?!
I got it! I have the answer! 
The only woman you should try to find is a shy virgin! Its the only choice.
The bad news? This type of woman is extreme rare. But they are out there, its not gonna be an easy journey my friend, but I truly believe not is really impossible.....
Good Luck
-------------------- "What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin PROJECT BLUE BOOK ANALYSIS! (312 pages!) | Psychedelics & UFOs | Ready to Contact UFOs? | The Source on Mushrooms | Trippy Gematrix | Dj TeknoLogical | Fentanyl Test Kits R.I.P. Big Worm || The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth 🌎🌍🌏
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Bigcmcg


Registered: 01/14/12
Posts: 548
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Said it before.. look outside the country for non western women.
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Roflspammer
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Bigcmcg]
#28434667 - 08/15/23 07:46 AM (5 months, 11 days ago) |
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Move to Burlington Vermont man, you'll find exactly what you need. In my circle, I wouldn't call weed a hobbie, but in Burlington VT they would.
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EternalDreamer
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Re: Is it hard to find a woman? [Re: Rache2020]
#28434690 - 08/15/23 08:06 AM (5 months, 11 days ago) |
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Quote:
Citizen X said: Have a couple of drinks and loosen up bro. You could use wing man Stop being so nice Get a new style, haircut, sneakers Learn some jokes
If none of this works I’ll give you butt sex 
I actually agree with this. That's another problem with my personality in how it's not attractive to women.
I'm way too serious about everything. Again, I can't change this. It's just who I am.
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LogicaL Chaos said:
I got it! I have the answer! 
The only woman you should try to find is a shy virgin! Its the only choice.
The bad news? This type of woman is extreme rare. But they are out there, its not gonna be an easy journey my friend, but I truly believe not is really impossible.....
Good Luck 
This is a great recommendation. Thank you, but I already put on "shy" in my dating profile in the past and it resulted in what you would expect: I moved from a trickle of interest to no interest. So, I changed it back.
I just don't get why being shy is this much of a crime. To me, it means that the person is safe, mature, and introspective, which is a heck of a lot better than loud & obnoxious.
You offer me hope when you say they are "out there", but, pray tell, where? Where and how do I find them in a practical way (see below)?
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Bigcmcg said: Said it before.. look outside the country for non western women.
Thanks - Interesting idea, but how is this in any way practical? Am I to move outside the country and start learning a foreign language?
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Rache2020 said: You can approach women at singles mixers! Isn't that the point? Women are really unlikely to approach you because we assume the guy is going to be proactive and if he's interested he'll do the approaching.
You sound like you just need to develop your social skills that's all. What sort of things did you talk about on your dates? Did you ask about her? Did you make her laugh? Talk about her hobbies or where she last went on vacation?
At the singles mixers, everyone is more social than I am, and it just confuses the fuck out of me. Like, how am I this much of an outlier? So, naturally, when I see hordes of beefy strong men surround a woman with popped collars and braggadocio vibes, I know from the outset that I'm not going to compete. Put yourself in my shoes. How would you think you, a shy guy, would appeal to a woman that would be interested around hanging with such arrogance? How would you think those type of women would perceive you? After all, if they are okay getting solicited all day by beefy strong men with popped collars and braggadocio vibes, why would they be interested in you?
So, I've tried to go for what LogicalChaos is mentioning about not trying to be someone that I'm not and pursuing a girl that's equally shy. So, when I go to singles mixers, I try to look for the women who are alone, looking shy, etc. The problem? I can't find any of them! Whether I like it or not, they're all usually inundated by other men surrounding them.
In conclusion, this is beyond depressing. It hurts being in a situation where you're unable to help yourself and feel so unwanted.
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