|
newaccounts
Stranger


Registered: 06/08/23
Posts: 53
Last seen: 4 months, 17 days
|
Input on complex marriage/family situation
#28414795 - 07/31/23 07:04 AM (5 months, 26 days ago) |
|
|
Disclaimer 1: I know I should not base life decisions upon advice from strangers on the net.
Disclaimer 2: I have this tendency to feel that if I can just describe a problem in enough detail, then someone will be able to provide me with the correct solution. I have made this "error" again and again during therapy. I realise that this post may be yet another expression of that kind of reasoning. But here I go anyway.
---
When I was young, I met a girl. She was the hottest girl that had ever been interested in me, but personality-wise there was almost nothing that clicked. But we became a couple anyway, because I wanted sex and companionship and valued her great looks. Our relationship was turbulent and destructive (no violence though), but eventually we learned how to live together.
After some years, and after a couple of leaving-her-just-to-take-her-back-again, I had realised that I really wanted to get out of the relationship. I wanted to leave. But I just couldn't get myself to do it because breaking up with someone you live with is a pain in the ass. You have to deal with the emotional turmoil, find a new place to live. And also, a break-up from someone you live with is always somewhat traumatic since it means uprooting your life as you know it and finding yourself in unknown territory. So even though I wanted to leave, I never managed to do.
One day, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We decided we should get married. I had no interest in having a child at this point, or with her. But I figured I had to man up and take responsibility. I never had a father and did not want to perpetuate that cycle. So thoughts about breaking up were placed on hold.
We got married and a few months later our son was born. It was the most transformative and fantastic experience of my life. It was like nothing I had ever expected. It brought me and my wife closer together and I became happy that I didn't leave her, because the family we had created together felt perfect. We had a stable, loving family and shared the same vision on how to raise children.
During the coming years my career took off. I was living in emotional bliss. I loved my family, I loved my job, and I loved life. After six years I agreed to do something my wife had wanted to do basically since we met: move to the capital of our country where her family lives. Myself, I'm from a small rural town so I didn't really want to move to a big city but decided that after all these years I should do something for her.
So we moved to the capital and this is where things began going sour. I could tell immediately that this was not what I had wanted. Not for myself and not for my children. I have a very specific point of view as to what I consider a quality life, and living in a metropolitan area or raising children there is not it. My son also expressed that he missed our old city of residence, which fueled my anxiety greatly.
My wife refused to move back. It's really a long story but she hates living in small towns and has the opposite view of me: that living in a large city is the way to go, both for herself and for her children. In other words, we had a massive conflict both of personal needs and of vision for our family.
I became depressed. I had to take a month of work while I was committed to a psych ward. I received electroconvulsive shock therapy and tried five different medications. I was suicidal and living in absolute agony almost every single day. My wife still refused to move back. Eventually, once she understood how serious the situation was, she agreed to move to some new place. But not back to the region we had come from (the region I am from and where I was happy) since she finds it absolutely miserable there. So I entertained the thought of us finding a new home, where we could both be happy. But I could just not endure the thought of us uprooting our son from all his friends again just for some compromise about living in a city that was neither mine nor my wifes first choice. So I eventually decided that trying out an entire new place was not worth the risk and was not an option since it would probably result in all of us becoming somewhat miserable.
At this time also, around one year into my depression, something happened. Previously I had been living in deep sorrow and agony over the loss of our previous city of residence, and my dislike for our current location. But gradually I began questioning all my close relationships. I didn't feel any love for my wife, I even began having complicated feelings towards my children!! It was like the love was just not there most of the time. Every now and then the sun came out again and I could feel love for them again, but a lot of the time I just felt numb and bitter. I also began questioning my own identiy, and my values. It turned into a true life- and identity crisis. I wasn't even sure what the fuck I wanted anymore. Or if I even wanted to be part of my family anymore. I suspect in one sense this might have been an emotional defense mechanism that was turned on to protect me from the horrible emotional pain I was living in.
Anyway, I decided to wean off the antidepressants and began looking into psychedelics. Currently I have been completely off meds for two months after having been on them for a little over six months. But something in me has changed. I don't feel like I love my wife at all anymore. And while I do love my children, it just doesn't feel like it did before I became depressed. I don't know if it is side effects from the meds, the ECT, the depression itself, or if trauma has simply changed me.
I'm close to the two year mark now since I first became unhappy, and about 1,5 years since I became depressed. I am better now, but still not well. It's like this whole traumatic experience has wounded me deeply and I am no longer the same person I was before.
Right when my wife told me she would refuse to move back is when I first started having serious thoughts about a divorce. But I never did file for divorce back then because that would hurt our children, and I would also not be able to take them with me to another city since the law states that the children should be able to continue their life where they are used to living. Which is ironic since this whole thing started when we moved the entire family from our home across the entire country. But anyway, during these last two years I decided to endure and fight for this family. For my children.
But now as I'm approaching the two-year mark I am seriously doubting that I can do this anymore. Nothing feels good about my life anymore (most days). I have a day every now and then where I feel love and gratitude. But most days are literally a struggle to stay alive. My son is now eight and my daughter is two.
I always had a vision of my children growing up in a loving home with both their mother and father. But I don't know if I can do this any longer. In a way I feel I set myself up for this when I decided to get together with a girl for her looks and not out of love. I painted myself into this corner when I began building a family with a woman who I never really clicked with. I am so envious of people who marry out of true love.
At the same time, we really did have six perfect years starting with the birth of our son. So for that I will always be grateful. But there is something deeply unstable built into our relationship. At the same time, I realise this is how reality is for a lot of people. So many people do not marry out of true love. And a lot of relationships are not really romantic. More like practical arrangements. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations about how a relationship should be? (This back and forth reasoning is typical me trying to challenge my own thoughts but never really finding a conclusion).
My wife is as close to a perfect mother as you can get. But it just doesn't feel right between us anymore. I don't feel like I love her at all anymore. And I am not feeling well in this life situation.
I don't really want to split up the family but nothing feels good for me anymore. I am seriously contemplating telling my wife I want a divorce this autumn, not because it feels like a good thing to do, but more because I can't go on like this. I have tried to sacrifice myself for two years now for my children and my family, but I can't go on living like this.
Splitting up would likely result in me seeing the children only every other weekend, as I refuse to stay in this region should we actually get a divorce.
---
So yeah, it is a really messed up situation. If I continue this, I fear I will eventually go mad for real. If I leave, then both my wife and children will be hurt deeply.
Is there even a way to solve this situation?
Could it be possible that in the end the best for all of us would be to live in different cities, with the children seeing me every other weekend?
|
rag
Stranger
Registered: 10/25/17
Posts: 49
Last seen: 2 months, 28 days
|
Re: Input on complex marriage/family situation [Re: newaccounts]
#28414841 - 07/31/23 08:24 AM (5 months, 26 days ago) |
|
|
Well, maybe You should talk with someone, friends, relatives, maybe some psychologist or something. I don't have any advice since every man need to decided himself. In Your situation, I would not do things like divorce. But again, You need to decide.
|
Rache2020
Stranger
Registered: 10/18/20
Posts: 315
Last seen: 23 hours, 43 minutes
|
Re: Input on complex marriage/family situation [Re: rag]
#28415429 - 07/31/23 06:42 PM (5 months, 26 days ago) |
|
|
What do you hate so much about the city-I mean sure it's not what you envisioned, but does that really matter? Also your wife offered a compromise-so that shows she wants you to be happy and cares about you. Are you still attracted to her? Do you have ANYTHING in common at all? Have you tried marriage counselling?
Life doesn't always work out like we planned but can still be a good life. You have happy healthy kids. It's A LOT to give up just to move back home but your feelings matter too. It just seems kind of extreme, like is it more that you have such a fixed view of how you wanted life to be or do you have genuine reasons to be unhappy? Hard to say really. I feel like at least trying out the compromise would be easier on your son than splitting the family up. He's still young, he will make friends easy, it's not ideal to be moving around a lot but then neither is you moving away from your kids...I mean your wife apparently didn't like your last location but she was able to deal with it-enough that it didn't affect your perfect life anyway.
Maybe I'm just being really naive but I feel like if you've got a solid little family unit with healthy happy kids does it really matter where you live? Is it that you're missing your friends and family because that I can certainly understand. I just don't know how much happier you'll be alone and away from your kids. But if you and your wife are not compatible anymore and it's making you miserable (and probably her as well) that's not a good thing.
|
Joh.Ke
Stranger
Registered: 07/03/23
Posts: 353
Last seen: 31 minutes, 16 seconds
|
Re: Input on complex marriage/family situation [Re: Rache2020]
#28421690 - 08/05/23 10:42 AM (5 months, 21 days ago) |
|
|
Hi, I read the opening post about half-way down, so I might not have all the info: I don't know what's so terribly bad about living in a big city to the point that you got seriously depressed about it. I get that you prefer a small town and the simple life, but can you not try and enjoy, or at least not hate, living in a big city? A lot of people only want to live in a big city. I don't get what's so bad about it.
Edited by Joh.Ke (08/05/23 11:17 AM)
|
theRealrollforever
I DID-DENT



Registered: 08/31/13
Posts: 12,736
Loc: Bada-Bing!
Last seen: 2 days, 59 minutes
|
Re: Input on complex marriage/family situation [Re: Joh.Ke]
#28422920 - 08/06/23 10:25 AM (5 months, 20 days ago) |
|
|
I could name 5 things right now without even thinking about it too hard 1) overpopulated; (less privacy) 2) EVERYTHING is more expensive 3) outdoor activities are basically off the table unless you want to travel OUTSIDE of the city 4) you most likely don't have a yard if you are in a major metropolis. (Goes with 3 I guess) that takes a ton of hobbies off the table 5)it's polluted everywhere idgaf what city. Maybe they keep the "rich" districts clean but everything other than there and you get to smell beautiful smog and piss daily 6) hope you like walking, traffic is a nightmare 7)people are way more abrasive 8) NOISE. NOISE. NOISE.!!!!! 9) I am starting to have to think hard...that's it for now
So I feel you OP, but these two have a point. That's what life is. You steer the ship best way you know how. Sometimes it's smooth, and sometimes you hit the rocks. In the meantime get your pleasures where you can.
--------------------
sunshine said: The order has to be secret and no one is sure.
Edited by theRealrollforever (08/06/23 10:30 AM)
|
theRealrollforever
I DID-DENT



Registered: 08/31/13
Posts: 12,736
Loc: Bada-Bing!
Last seen: 2 days, 59 minutes
|
|
You need to find an outlet seperate from your family. Fishing, woodworking, whatever you can do that interests you available or practical to do in your city. My limited advice as everything else seems like plaguing existential thoughts with little basis on daily happenings and A LOT of (too much) focus on "I hate it here." You got to try, and maybe consider trying to find a new spot that isn't the original location. You may like it more? Just make sure it checks whatever boxes in your head that equate to happiness
--------------------
sunshine said: The order has to be secret and no one is sure.
|
Joh.Ke
Stranger
Registered: 07/03/23
Posts: 353
Last seen: 31 minutes, 16 seconds
|
|
Quote:
theRealrollforever said: I could name 5 things right now without even thinking about it too hard 1) overpopulated; (less privacy) 2) EVERYTHING is more expensive 3) outdoor activities are basically off the table unless you want to travel OUTSIDE of the city 4) you most likely don't have a yard if you are in a major metropolis. (Goes with 3 I guess) that takes a ton of hobbies off the table 5)it's polluted everywhere idgaf what city. Maybe they keep the "rich" districts clean but everything other than there and you get to smell beautiful smog and piss daily 6) hope you like walking, traffic is a nightmare 7)people are way more abrasive 8) NOISE. NOISE. NOISE.!!!!! 9) I am starting to have to think hard...that's it for now
So I feel you OP, but these two have a point. That's what life is. You steer the ship best way you know how. Sometimes it's smooth, and sometimes you hit the rocks. In the meantime get your pleasures where you can.
That list is certainly true. And in fact, I have been to the mountains here. Very rural places, and I was surrounded by nature. I especially remember being right in the middle of just the trees and the mountain, the air was fresh, crisp and a little cold, there was no human, no traffic, no noise other than birds, and vegetations that swayed in the wind. It was a really nice experience, and I can definitely see why someone would want to live in a place like that.
That being said, my own preference is to live in a big city.
|
maensel
Stranger


Registered: 05/04/23
Posts: 53
|
Re: Input on complex marriage/family situation [Re: newaccounts]
#28425083 - 08/07/23 10:00 PM (5 months, 18 days ago) |
|
|
u only can be free when u alone
|
durian_2008
Cornucopian Eating an Elephant



Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 16,685
Loc: Raccoon City
|
Re: Input on complex marriage/family situation [Re: newaccounts]
#28458311 - 09/04/23 11:45 AM (4 months, 22 days ago) |
|
|
Quote:
Disclaimer 1: I know I should not base life decisions upon advice from strangers on the net.
Disclaimer 2: I have this tendency to feel that if I can just describe a problem in enough detail, then someone will be able to provide me with the correct solution. I have made this "error" again and again during therapy. I realise that this post may be yet another expression of that kind of reasoning.
Based on the personalities of many different people answering, your advice is going to be all over the map. So, it would ultimately be up to you, to follow through on whatever.
Here is your trigger warning:
I favor men's rights.
The window of time, used to establish expectations in advance has long since past.
But, you still have the option of being the more selfish partner.
If you find playing the jerk preferable to playing the victim, you can gaslight slowly, while making legal arrangements in your favor.
Your temperament is to play the long game, imhblo.
|
durian_2008
Cornucopian Eating an Elephant



Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 16,685
Loc: Raccoon City
|
Re: Input on complex marriage/family situation [Re: durian_2008]
#28458344 - 09/04/23 12:26 PM (4 months, 22 days ago) |
|
|
As is the case with the few web trolls, lurking around these parts, do not ever piss away your moral highground by doing or saying or even thinking anything rash. In fact, practice at staying calm.
|
|