So, to preface, my ex and I are both polyamorous.
We broke up 2 years ago, summer of 2021. It was a fucked up break up. Like, total disaster territory. There was this sense that neither of us wanted to break up but they seemed almost manic when they ran out. I'm not trying to defend their behavior and I'm not interested in any "good riddance. You're better off" responses. That may be so. That's not my point.
I have 2 gfs right now. One I've been dating for 6 years and one for 2 months. I had a mental breakdown after my ex left. Therapists and Friends and everyone told me it was good that they were gone. I never liked it. They were my best friend and one of my soul mates.
Still, I tried to move on. I tried not to be that sucker that chases a person who made it clear they had to get away from me. They kept giving me wishy washy answers about being friends and, in the end, we never actually saw each other again which is an outcome I don't think either of us expected. Still, we gave up. Simple as that. I haven't looked that their social media since the break up. I couldn't message them without breaking down for a week even if the interaction was neutral. It was all too hard. I heard from a friend they got married this year. I want to accept that it's the end and not be a fool. It ended a long time ago, after all. I have tried everything I can to work past it. Art, therapy, shrooms, dating new people, working really hard on my long term relationship, etc. Nothing stops it. It always comes back to them. Every time I do mushrooms, there's that nagging message, "You may love others but they were you soul mate." My gf of 6 years kind of resents my ex now so in order to make that relationship better, I try not to feel for my ex and when I do feel the urge to cry or feel, I don't. I try daily to breathe through the emotions and not talk about them. I can date most other people in the world, but I can't pursue my ex. That's a deal breaker. I don't want to be that sad girl that loves a jerk and longs for a jerk that isn't even here but the mushrooms every time.. the earth literally calls out their name. Visions of goddesses and the whispered voices of the mushrooms tell me this. I want to put it away and be ok with the people I'm with but I am told so often to reach out and talk to them. I then say, "no. I have handled this. I have accepted they are gone and accepted they have moved on with their life. I have accepted this open bleeding psychic wound that is literal pain in my left leg that feels like someone has cut between the bone and muscle and it bleeds a purple blue spiritual substance. I don't need to try again to prove to myself that they are actually gone forever." And yet.. I'm still told.. Talk to them. In the last couple years, I had to learn to forgive them without them around to make amends. I realize that every person on planet earth is a jerk and we all have jerks in our life we love and I want to be able to tell them, "You were a jerk to me, and it really hurt but I still love you and I forgive you and I hope your life is good and I hope it stays good." Losing them was losing a family member and the way I lost them felt more akin to death than a break-up. I just wish it was enough to accept the horror and keep moving. I wish the world would stop screaming their name and telling me to reach out but maybe it won't until I do? I just don't want to rebreak my own heart all over again.
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