Could use some advice from you fine people, help me get out of my head.
So for a while now I feel like I've been noticing some kind of religious/sexual/relationship trauma that seems to be weighing me down.
When I was growing up, I was indoctrinated into believing that marriage was an eternal pact with God, and that it in fact does not end at death, but is an agreement that lasts for all time. Part 2 of the indoctrination was that sex outside of marriage is evil and disgraceful.
Fast forward to my teenage years, and I lost my virginity at 14. That was not the plan, but it's what happened.
So my first experience with sex was fun albeit awkward, and was followed by some of the most intense guilt I have ever felt. I felt frozen. Like I'd failed my family, like I had done something horrible.
Took me about 6 months to get over that.
By 16 my entire family agrees to leave the religion. Really lucked out there tbh, the consensus was a surprise.
Throughout, I'm dating this same girl. At the 3 year mark I start to feel like we are growing apart and I decide that it's time to move on.
I'm kind of shy, and this is my first breakup. So I take a while to work up the courage.
We are carpooling from school, and she has to stop for some kind of appointment, I know nothing about it. She goes in, and I'm waiting in the car. I'm sitting there thinking;
The moment is now. What am I waiting for? I should end this and let both of us move on with our lives.
She comes back, with this look in her eyes like black holes in the sky. Just starts sobbing.
The appointment was a brain scan, checking for lesions. She had 4. They eventually diagnose her with multiple sclerosis, an extremely debilitating autoimmune disease, at 18.
I feel like I've just had the air kicked out of me. Trying to comfort her, shocked beyond words.
I cared for this girl a lot. She was one of the best friends I had ever had. There was no way I could abandon her then, when she seemingly needed me the most.
So I just kinda jammed those feelings of wanting to leave somewhere deep down and tried to squish them.
That almost worked for a little while? Some days I really did convince myself that I was still in love with her, and this would all work out somehow.
But those squished feelings were still down there. I couldn't escape them.
This goes on for 2 years. For the first year she is getting worse, trying new drugs, dealing with side effects. Somewhere in year 2, she starts to get a hold on it. New drugs are working, + CBD/THC is a great help.
Meanwhile these feelings I tried to squish are not cooperating. I go months waking up in emotional agony like, this has to end, it's not fair to her or to me, but I'm terrified that I'm going to send her spiraling into serious depression or suicide.
When I finally end it, I feel all fucked up. The strangest mix of agony, shame, resentment, guilt, and freedom.
Lo and behold, my fears were wayy overblown. She continues to get better and finds another guy within 4 months. By a year and a half, she's married and has a kid on the way. That's a relief to me, I'm glad she's well.
Now, this was 6 years ago and I don't feel like I have fully recovered. I have not been in a relationship or had sex with anyone since. I've had several opportunities, but somehow the idea makes my brain panic a bit. My mind starts racing and I start thinking things like;
Do I really like this person enough to take the risk of intimacy?
Would I be comfortable staying with this person for years?
What if I become trapped in this relationship and I can't leave?
These bits of nonsense have been squished down there so long it feels like they've all melded together; the vestiges of indoctrination + relationship trauma + my own bullshit.
So uh.... TL:DR help I can't afford a therapist. I'm so tired of being alone, but I'm scared to love again.
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You don't seem like you need a therapist. Everyone has feelings and goes through shit, you seem like you are just asking really basic questions a normal person asks themself. Sex is supposed to mean something. Relationships are a huge part of your life. Marriage is SUPPOSED to be for life, and beyond that some feel. I don't know what to tell you. I wouldn't be surprised if you get some validation here, but from my perspective you're just struggling against reality. Imagine you're frantically drowning and someone yells out, "Stand up." That's about how I feel right now, a glass half full/half empty kind of thing. I do understand you're trying to express anxiety and willingness to "take a chance" but does that really sound all that out of the ordinary to you?
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