yesterday i had the most intense trip of my life, and im worried that its caused damage to me. dose: 4 polka dot? chocolate pieces, one hitter of weed, cap to first rim of orange gatorade
i feel like im being dramatic, because my trip was very mild in comparison to a lot of the ones ive heard about, but it was still very strong to me.
some background information: if i had to guess, ive tripped on mushrooms about 20 times in my life, most of them on raw shrooms. around january i became addicted to tripping, and was on heavy doses of SSRI medication, which lead me to experience temporary psychosis (as diagnosed by my doctor).
the first time was spirtual, but i became addicted to the visuals and the world became bland if i wasnt tripping. it became a weekly thing, sometimes more than that. i finally stopped once i had a very bad trip and got caught. since that i hadnt touched them in months.
that trip consisted of 3g raw shrooms and 100mg edibles. i was seeing hexagons everywhere and had extreme visual and internal hallucinations. peoples faces morphed, everything moved and spoke. i thought my heart was going to explode. the world was extremely distorted. however, i experienced no realizations or clarity other than "that was terrifying."
a few days ago i bough a chocolate shroom bar, because i thought i was ready to trip again, this time trying to learn from the experience and have a spiritual journey. that night i took two pieces, but had no visuals during the trip, and a very depressive comedown. this was very different from any trip i had previously been through.
two days after that i decided to try again, this time with almost 4 pieces of the chocolate. i felt euphoric and had good clarity, but missed the hallucinations i had felt months before.
after about four hours i decided to kick it up a notch and smoke a little bit of weed, because i still had no visuals or outward changes. i also had some gatorade with citric acid in it. this is where it went really bad.
i was feeling fine until i checked my phone to change the music. i had gotten a text from an ex boyfriend of mine, describing how he wanted his body to be found after he killed himself. it didnt freak me out as bad as i thought it would, but it shook me up.
i replied, telling him that it was inappropriate for him to text me something like that, and that life is worth living. i told him that i didnt want him to text me again, and as i set my phone on do not disturb and changed the music i started to peak.
at this point i had already been euphoric for 3 hours, but not having any outward visuals or anything more extreme than an altered thought process (things made more sense, more clarity on my life and its direction, etc). the visuals amped up very suddenly, as well as my body feeling different internally.
after sitting with this for a few minutes, i realized that the point of tripping was not the outward sensations or the visuals, as my eyes are only one sense, but felt myself developing a sixth sense of self. im not quite sure how to explain it, but i felt like i could experience my body, and me becoming one with the universe.
im only 18, and this was frightening. it was like i was at the universes door. i couldn't see it with my eyes, i just knew it was there. i experienced that life is much more than what i am able to see, even more than everything my senses are able to experience.
i could feel the chemicals being produced in my brain, feel every organ and bone in my body, and every time i shut my eyes i was transcended into a place that is unexplainable. i felt everything and nothing.
i felt so frightened, because i knew i wasnt ready to understand. i just dont have that kind of experience in life to grasp what the universe was telling me. i havent truly struggled, i have never pushed myself to the brink. i hadnt been through enough. i didnt open the door, i begged the universe to give me another chance, it was too overwhelming for me.
i was in this state for about three hours, begging for it to be over and promising i would never do something like this until i was sure i was ready. i laid down and played music, and distracted myself with twitter, because i knew if i focused on the trip i would experience something i wasnt ready for.
i manifested that my trip would end calmly, and i wrote a lot about my experiences, but in small doses so that i wouldnt overwhelm myself.
after three hours, i felt a sudden drop in visuals. it was very abrupt but i was relived. over the next two hours i came down slowly and calmly. the trip was over, and it was the most relived i have ever felt.
the comedown was calm, but since then life has felt different. i knew as i was experiencing the trip that life would not feel the same, i felt like i was being told by the universe that i would learn something and be changed forever. that has been the case.
i woke up feeling fine. i wasnt depressed or anxious. i went to the gym but left early because i felt tired.
later on in the day i tried watching a reality tv show. i was completely sober. i couldnt differentiate the show from my surroundings. even though it was at a different time filmed in a different place, it was the same as my surroundings, because everything and everyone is simultaneously existing. everything that has happened and will happen exists at the same time.
it was all i could think about. i knew rationally that they were different, but i still couldnt separate the two in my mind.
now its night, and i cant sleep. i was able to fall asleep after the trip, but i cant anymore. i cant close my eyes and try to fall asleep because it feels like im dying. im so scared to stop existing, im so scared that my being unconscious will change something. i know its entirely irrational but i cant even shut my eyes without being afraid. i dont know what to do, i wasnt ready to experience this.
reflecting on the experience, i feel ive learned a lot about myself, but have lost some of me in the process. i recognize how carless ive been with them, and that it was selfish to try and recreate my past trips because the hallucinations were enjoyable, but i also learned that regret doesnt do me any good. i cannot change the past, only be proactive with my future.
i know it normally takes some time to come to terms with a trip, but im worried that ive caused some kind of brain damage, especially since ive tripped so often in the past, and because my brain is still developing. im hoping that sharing on here will help me process this new information and help me understand whats going on.
will this go away? am i overreacting, or is this just a part of the spiritual journey? was it just a different strain of mushroom, or was it my reaction?i dont want to lose what ive learned, im grateful to have the knowledge, but i also want my grip back on reality. im so exhausted. i just want to sleep.
Edited by pine head (07/17/23 01:34 AM)
|
I really hope that your situation in life leads to no more ssri's, but I must say that your trip reads well and is a wonderful resource to have posted here.
What we can say in words seems crystal and meaningful, but what can be experienced directly transcends words to such an extent that there is a tremendous gap in meaningfulness. What you wrote shows that you have ventured to the edge of this gap and have been immersed in the vastness of it in every direction.
the realities in mind are boundless, while the meanings in words are more concise, and often they completely miss the intended meanings. For example, the exboyfriend's text about leaving his body (after killing himself) can mean so many different things, but there it is as a text on your phone with virtually no real meaning, except as an irritant, and maybe a gut punch, but just text on screen, while far away the guy is being dumb about his confused feelings concerning his body, and himself, and sharing his life (or apparent prospects in life). (wanting to share is surely at the root of the human condition - but sometimes it just seems to be a vacant gesture, or residue of some past gesture pattern while someone is tossing in day-dreams)
And then you went deeper than before to where all prospects have become superimposed, where everything is connected to everything else and even time ceases to mean what it did.
I do not want to say too much about this whole trip (and I barely touched one aspect of part of the prelude leading into the trip), but it has much in it and the way you describe the bits of it seem wise beyond your years.
I do not think you have damaged anything at all, but do what you can to keep up your studies and to explore human nature, and nature in general. and keep on keeping on.
--------------------
_ 🧠_
|
i wrote this trip report late at night, so i forgot to mention a few things. thankfully, my situation no longer requires heavy medicating, and im now completely off my SSRI. im on a low dose of mood stabilizers now, as well as adhd treatment. i can thank a lot of that to my first ever trip and what i learned during it.
as for the text: you have very good points. reading the text on my phone mid trip, it came off as poor timing and an attempt for him to get me to reply, as i havent contacted him in some time.
looking back, i think it was the universe's way of reminding me how far ive gotten. i realize its no coincidence that i received it right before peaking. i used to be in a situation where i may have texted someone something similar. i know all too well the feeling of wanting it all to end, and reaching out because i wanted someone to notice my pain. its made me more grateful for my current state of mind and the work it took to get here.
important to note how his initial text was about his body being found, as i was experiencing an out of body experience. it proves to me further that we are all connected, regardless of the role we play in each others lives.
im going to continue my studies. part of the intent of the trip was to understand what direction i wanted my life to go in. im hoping to go to university for forensic psychology. i also have a heavy intrist in mycology, and intend to minor in it.
i truly appreciate you sharing your insight, its answered a lot of questions for me. i feel much more content with the change.
originally, i had not given the text much though. im able to understand it now, and have an even deeper knowledge of my trip and its impact, as well as where my life is headed. its also furthered my belief that the universe always knows best and is there to guide me. thank you for helping me understand that.
|