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Bloomer



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Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out 1
#28390726 - 07/09/23 07:18 PM (6 months, 17 days ago) |
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I've been working close with this coworker for a few months now and she gave me her snapchat several weeks ago so we talk now n then. She's single and fit and like 10 years younger than me. A lot of guys at work wave at her and initiate conversations with her. In my mind there's no shot with this girl but she's friendly sometimes that makes me think maybe. I'd be okay with just being friends anyway but this small chance for more is driving me crazy, I just need to know one way or the other. I've asked her out a couple times before and she seems to ponder it apprehensively and has had excuses why she can't. Over the weekend she annotated a snap in her story to say that she "thinks she really needs a boyfriend, who wants to do it?" Well I asked her again if she wants to go out for breakfast after work tomorrow and she said "not sure but yeah ig let's go".
So part of me is like great, finally. Other part is like wtf, she clearly doesn't seem interested and is maybe just giving me a pity date. I read a meme once that said if someone isn't like "fuck yes!" to hanging out with you, they should be a fuck-no. Basically saying that it's not worth your time to invest emotions into people that aren't excited to be with you.
I'm kind of getting this gut feeling that she doesn't want a relationship with me but I guess I'll suss that out on the date. I asked a different coworker out once and she was a pretty immediate yes. Even told me she'd been waiting months for me to ask.
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ilus
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon] 2
#28391447 - 07/10/23 03:34 PM (6 months, 16 days ago) |
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Kind of sounds like she is just looking for attention. I would really recommend not dating your coworkers though, as tempting as it may be.
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Lynnch
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: ilus] 2
#28391459 - 07/10/23 03:46 PM (6 months, 16 days ago) |
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Yea, i've never been keen on the whole talking someone into liking you thing, it all goes easier when it's a fuck yes.. but who knows, maybe you'll hit it off. Maybe she's reluctant for different reasons than you think.
At least you can go into this with managed expectations, just have a good time and don't worry about a particular outcome.
2nd the not dating coworkers though, it can get real rough when you can't escape being around someone.
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Patchouli_Savage


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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: ilus] 3
#28391460 - 07/10/23 03:46 PM (6 months, 16 days ago) |
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1. Go with your gut
2. If it isn't a fuck yes it's a fuck no. I agree with that, and abiding by it has served me well.
3. If she's already turned you down multiple times, why do you keep asking her out? She's already said no more than once. That means she's not interested.
-------------------- "You are a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust. What do you have to be scared of?"
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LogicaL Chaos
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon]
#28392000 - 07/11/23 12:59 AM (6 months, 15 days ago) |
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Im gonna say go with it. Ive recently come to the realization that many women are demisexual. Demisexual basically means they want to take things very slow with a guy to build trust and comfortability with the said guy and after that bond is created, then she will be open to sexual exchanges.
I think this is how she feela about you. She could on the fence about if she thinks you are "datable". But women change their mind quite often and spending time with her might changer her mind about you.
I think its worth a shot.
More about Demisexuals: https://www.dictionary.com/e/gender-sexuality/demisexual/
-------------------- "What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin PROJECT BLUE BOOK ANALYSIS! (312 pages!) | Psychedelics & UFOs | Ready to Contact UFOs? | The Source on Mushrooms | Trippy Gematrix | Dj TeknoLogical | Fentanyl Test Kits R.I.P. Big Worm || The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth ššš
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sudly
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon] 1
#28392001 - 07/11/23 01:01 AM (6 months, 15 days ago) |
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You never know if a relationship is on the cards unless you have a couple dates, sounds like you may be jumping the gun to me.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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Bloomer



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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: sudly] 1
#28392344 - 07/11/23 11:09 AM (6 months, 15 days ago) |
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You may be right about demisexual. She said once that she was recently a bad girl for a while, but not anymore, she's a good girl and goes to church n stuff. I don't think she's been in a relationship for at least a couple years, if at all. Which I think is kinda interesting because she's so hot she must have had a hundred offers by now. So she's definitely not pressuring herself to do anything with anyone. Which works for me. I'm not looking for a fuck buddy or a short term fling. I've had enough of that and want a serious long term relationship with family being an end goal. Not sure if she wants that too yet but being family oriented and religious is a sign.
Unfortunately it's not going so well. She agreed to go out after work yesterday but stopped checking my messages immediately after. She didn't even go to work and messaged me later in the afternoon "So so sorry, I didn't go to work and forgot to tell you". I was like yeaa whatever, didn't respond.
Saw her at work today and she asked if I was mad and I was like uhh no, just confused and disappointed. Asked her if she wanted to reschedule and she said sure, when? - Today? Okay 
So at the end of the shift I'm like yo I'll meet you in the parking lot, you can follow me there. Well I forgot that she doesn't have a car to drive right now so she rode with a coworker. I offered to give her a ride home after our date but there was a weird tension. Like she felt obligated to go with this friend of hers. We floated the idea of bringing her with, but I nixed that and said let's just try another day. It annoyed me that she didn't think of this predicament before telling me today works.
Not having a ride to work is possibly a legitimate reason for why she stayed home yesterday and forgot to message me, but in general this pattern of falling through is getting ridiculous. If I wanted to date someone I would remember to communicate, shift my plans or take some risk to date them. Still not feeling optimistic that she's even honestly interested but I'm going to keep asking.
Would it be too aggressive to ask her to be more honest about her feelings? I just want to explain to her that I'm not going to be mad or jealous if she turns me down, but in the interest of not wasting either of our time can you just tell me whether you're legitimately interested in dating or not? But I feel like that would put a lot of pressure on her to make a decision that she maybe doesn't actually know the answer to. But if she's just trying to be nice by attaching white lies to her refusals, she can know that's not necessary. Just tell me no, not "well I can't today but I'd love to another time". I've had a few people string me along with lines like this before and it's such a waste of time.
Are some girls just as nervous to reject someone as some guys are nervous to get rejected?
Should I have brought her friend with to the date and distracted her with free drinks?
Edited by Icon (07/11/23 11:59 AM)
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LogicaL Chaos
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon]
#28392505 - 07/11/23 02:03 PM (6 months, 15 days ago) |
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Yeah sounds like shes a bit undescisive/disorganized. Its a trust thing usually: shes not sure if she can trust ya hence the awkward tension.
I would have invited her co-worker friend along even if it would have been awkward. She probably wants a friend there for comfort/safety. Essentially, you gotta bend to her "life" as shes kinda the one with the power of choice.
I wouldn't recommend asking her about how she feels about you, she seems undescided as of late. But its really up to you if you want to tolerant her ambigious feelings towards you or keep trying to pursade her. Hope this helps.
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon]
#28392577 - 07/11/23 02:51 PM (6 months, 15 days ago) |
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Sounds like she's not interested if she wanted her friend there.
Her bringing a friend is always a grab for free food and drinks.
Plus your adherence to a long term relationship and kids is not enticing to a lot of younger people as it used to be.
Some people arent good at rejecting at all and sometimes just like the attention even if there's no reciprocation from their end.
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Patchouli_Savage


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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: sudly] 1
#28392586 - 07/11/23 02:59 PM (6 months, 15 days ago) |
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Have you considered leaving the ball in her court?
You've conveyed your interest right?
If she's interested but is having transportation issues or other life chaos getting in the way, she'll let you know when she's ready. If she's not, she won't
You asked if women fear rejecting men the same way men fear being rejected. For most women, there's fear there, but for safety reasons, because men don't always react well to being rejected.
You could keep asking her out even though she's already declined multiple times, but if she's not into you, she'll likely continue to find ways to avoid hanging out with you politely to preserve her safety and wonder why you aren't getting the hint.
-------------------- "You are a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust. What do you have to be scared of?"
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Patchouli_Savage]
#28392749 - 07/11/23 05:51 PM (6 months, 15 days ago) |
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Quote:
Patchouli_Savage said: Have you considered leaving the ball in her court?
You've conveyed your interest right?
If she's interested but is having transportation issues or other life chaos getting in the way, she'll let you know when she's ready. If she's not, she won't
You asked if women fear rejecting men the same way men fear being rejected. For most women, there's fear there, but for safety reasons, because men don't always react well to being rejected.
You could keep asking her out even though she's already declined multiple times, but if she's not into you, she'll likely continue to find ways to avoid hanging out with you politely to preserve her safety and wonder why you aren't getting the hint.
You're right, but I think this is part of the reason why some men don't react well - because they were getting led on with mixed signals and empty promises for a long time and developed expectations. If safety was a concern why would they continue to entertain the idea, it should be a flat out no. If they never set a boundary, it shouldn't be surprising that one day someone takes advantage of that or has a misunderstanding about where they stand.
Edited by Icon (07/11/23 05:58 PM)
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sudly
Darwin's stagger

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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon] 3
#28392789 - 07/11/23 06:27 PM (6 months, 15 days ago) |
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Cus bitches ain't shit but hoes n tricks
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TheStallionMang
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: sudly]
#28392986 - 07/11/23 10:41 PM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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Sorry bub. That girl isn't interested and she's eating up your mind for nothin
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LogicaL Chaos
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon]
#28393077 - 07/12/23 02:11 AM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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Perhaps that co-worker friend is a really close friend of hers and she hasnt revealed that information to you yet.
Jump to 9:48. Might be relevant to ya:
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Patchouli_Savage


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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon] 4
#28393085 - 07/12/23 02:34 AM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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Quote:
Icon said:
Quote:
Patchouli_Savage said: Have you considered leaving the ball in her court?
You've conveyed your interest right?
If she's interested but is having transportation issues or other life chaos getting in the way, she'll let you know when she's ready. If she's not, she won't
You asked if women fear rejecting men the same way men fear being rejected. For most women, there's fear there, but for safety reasons, because men don't always react well to being rejected.
You could keep asking her out even though she's already declined multiple times, but if she's not into you, she'll likely continue to find ways to avoid hanging out with you politely to preserve her safety and wonder why you aren't getting the hint.
You're right, but I think this is part of the reason why some men don't react well - because they were getting led on with mixed signals and empty promises for a long time and developed expectations. If safety was a concern why would they continue to entertain the idea, it should be a flat out no. If they never set a boundary, it shouldn't be surprising that one day someone takes advantage of that or has a misunderstanding about where they stand.
The OP says before this you asked her out twice and she ponders apprehensively and gives excuses as to why she can't. That is her saying no. The fact that this happened twice tells you that.
In a perfect world, we could just flat out say no without worrying about having to protect the ego of whoever we're rejecting, but the reality is that most women you know have at least one story about rejecting a man that made them fear for their safety.
So here's this woman who may or may not have had some frightening experiences, politely turning you down, and here's you saying "well, her no wasn't enough of a no. It wasn't a flat out no and it wasn't a solid no. She doesn't seem into me but I'm going to keep asking her out because her no isn't no enough."
So you keep asking. And she feels she has to keep the peace because she has to work with you and now your consideration for boundaries are becoming questionable, because while she hasn't set a CLEAR boundary, she's repeatedly turned you down and you're saying "I'm not going to stop asking."
She doesn't owe you a reason, she doesn't owe you an explanation about her feelings towards you. If you have expectations about her and a potential relationship with her, they are your expectations, which are founded on nothing other than what you want, and she has no obligation whatsoever to meet them.
You're on the shroomery admitting you don't think she's into you (I'm sorry, it's clear that shes not) but until you get the type of NO that you feel is enough of a no, you're not gonna stop asking her out, because you don't appreciate her ambivalence towards you. She's allowed to be ambivalent. Her ambivalence also answers the question "is she into me?" Nope. She's ambivalent.
Would it be ideal if she could just flat out say "no, I'm not interested?" Or course. But her ambivalence, making excuses, and behavior are all telling you no and you're choosing not to honor that.
You said she's attractive and kind and cool and has been single a long time? Perhaps there are some really heavy reasons for that. Perhaps those same really heavy reasons have taught her that flat out saying no may compromise her safety.
I've gone out with people who I've politely rejected but continued to try. I've never been glad that I did.
I've also politely but bluntly told people that I wasn't interested I'm them, and usually people take it well, but quite a few haven't. It's those who haven't that run through my mind when I tell someone no- not the men who have taken it well.
You asked about rejection violence and mixed signals. I think a man who is going to be violent is going to be violent regardless of what "signals" he was getting. He's just using his perception of her "signals" as an excuse to perpetuate that violence.
Also, the signals you are getting aren't mixed. You're just not taking no for an answer.
Anyways I hope this offers a a little perspective.
-------------------- "You are a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust. What do you have to be scared of?"
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Roflspammer
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Patchouli_Savage] 3
#28393125 - 07/12/23 04:46 AM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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^ the message here is a high quality post.
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Glacia



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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: sudly]
#28393131 - 07/12/23 05:02 AM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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Quote:
sudly said: Sounds like she's not interested if she wanted her friend there.
Her bringing a friend is always a grab for free food and drinks.
Plus your adherence to a long term relationship and kids is not enticing to a lot of younger people as it used to be.
Some people arent good at rejecting at all and sometimes just like the attention even if there's no reciprocation from their end.
I agree with this, she seems to be using you and not interested. Probably just wanting attention. Idk why you're going for someone who does that... and I'm a girl myself, so I can tell what she's doing.
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RJ Tubs 202



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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon]
#28393355 - 07/12/23 10:09 AM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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Quote:
Icon said:
Saw her at work today and she asked if I was mad and I was like uhh no, just confused and disappointed.
Women want attention, to some degree, but they are often turned off by a man who chases them and focuses on them. A high value male does not put all his eggs in one basket, and never focuses on only one woman. Never feel disappointed about dating rejection. Women often feel burdened by a guy who only has eyes for them.
Feeling disappointed in not getting a date is rooted in the fantasy of your imagination. The date with her might have sucked and by the end of dinner you might not actually be attracted to her. Cool and aloof is a better approach. Easy come and easy go. Otherwise, we appear desperate.
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Icon
Bloomer



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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: RJ Tubs 202] 1
#28393656 - 07/12/23 04:19 PM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:
Icon said:
Saw her at work today and she asked if I was mad and I was like uhh no, just confused and disappointed.
Women want attention, to some degree, but they are often turned off by a man who chases them and focuses on them. A high value male does not put all his eggs in one basket, and never focuses on only one woman. Never feel disappointed about dating rejection. Women often feel burdened by a guy who only has eyes for them.
Feeling disappointed in not getting a date is rooted in the fantasy of your imagination. The date with her might have sucked and by the end of dinner you might not actually be attracted to her. Cool and aloof is a better approach. Easy come and easy go. Otherwise, we appear desperate.
Doesn't that contradict all of the men in monogamous relationships? Or you just mean single men shouldn't focus only on one? Cuz I've heard men are most attractive when they're off the market and in a committed relationship. In fact, I was in one when we started working together. Honestly I think that's where some of her apprehension is coming from. I just ended a relationship with a different coworker so she might be doubting my commitment or think I'm a player.
And I know what you mean about being cool, aloof, indirect. But at the same time, most women don't initiate and want to be pursued. I don't think this girl is going to initiate a relationship with even her deepest crush, it's either going to be a longterm friend or someone that pursues her hard.
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sudly
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon]
#28393764 - 07/12/23 05:52 PM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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I am direct, open and honest. But I'm only there for casual friendships.
You sound... traditional..
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ilus
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: sudly] 1
#28393942 - 07/12/23 09:23 PM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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Just remember that rejection honestly isn't a bad thing and might not even have much to do with you. If it doesn't work then it doesn't work and the whole energy balance would be uneven and doomed from the start. I also think you're just now finding out the very beginnings of why you should never date your coworkers. It definitely can get worse.
-------------------- Message me for Mushroom Tinctures Lion's Mane, Reishi, Turkey Tail, Chaga, Shiitake / Extracts / CBD Isolate, Oil ---- My Art, Design, Sculpture & Music: http://www.conceptflow.org
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RJ Tubs 202



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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Icon]
#28394292 - 07/13/23 10:10 AM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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Quote:
Icon said:
Doesn't that contradict all of the men in monogamous relationships? Or you just mean single men shouldn't focus only on one? Cuz I've heard men are most attractive when they're off the market and in a committed relationship.
Considering the OP's topic, I was addressing getting a date as set of courtship behaviors. If a woman concludes she is the only option you have, this often makes you less desirable. A man with only one option for a mate is a low value male. High value males have options. We see this phenomenon everywhere. Females implement a lot of discrimination when choosing a mate. As they should. They risk more than men.
Married men might attract many females because these men have demonstrated they have options. When a female marries a male, she is advertising to other females that she has judged her husband to be high value. Single men in clubs are sometimes seen by females as less attractive than a man with a woman on his arm. Women can be quite suspicious of single men.
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Glacia



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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
#28394543 - 07/13/23 03:46 PM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:
Icon said:
Doesn't that contradict all of the men in monogamous relationships? Or you just mean single men shouldn't focus only on one? Cuz I've heard men are most attractive when they're off the market and in a committed relationship.
Considering the OP's topic, I was addressing getting a date as set of courtship behaviors. If a woman concludes she is the only option you have, this often makes you less desirable. A man with only one option for a mate is a low value male. High value males have options. We see this phenomenon everywhere. Females implement a lot of discrimination when choosing a mate. As they should. They risk more than men.
Married men might attract many females because these men have demonstrated they have options. When a female marries a male, she is advertising to other females that she has judged her husband to be high value. Single men in clubs are sometimes seen by females as less attractive than a man with a woman on his arm. Women can be quite suspicious of single men.
Good point, I agree.
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Joh.Ke
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Re: Got a reluctant acceptance to asking coworker out [Re: Glacia]
#28421705 - 08/05/23 11:05 AM (5 months, 21 days ago) |
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I'd say she's not interested, however she doesn't want to come right out and say that to your face, because she has to work with you. She's already turned you down a few times before, right? Or came up with some kind of excuses. That right there tells me she doesn't like you that way.
And the stuff you mentioned like weird tension...it should be further proof of her lack of interest. When there is attraction on her part, she should be happy to spend time with you and to talk to you. Time spent together shouldn't be awkward like that.
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