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OfflineEternalDreamer
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I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman
    #28382990 - 07/02/23 07:53 PM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Okay, I know every guy says this, but I really feel like it is the case for me: I’m completely unable to attract a woman.

I’m a 31 year old guy. I have a successful career, I’m said to be slightly above average looking. I do have bad social anxiety. I’m not charismatic. With that said, I just don’t get why I’m that much of an outlier in my inability to attract woman. At 31, I’m still a virgin.

I mean, I’m not totally socially inept. I definitely do not project confidence and am very shy, but I know how to engage in conversation. My personality is admittedly not the greatest, but at least I’ve been said to be a “nice” and “sweet” guy. I guess I’m just confused why some men seem to go through so many relationships, and I’m unable to attract one, even a fleeting relationship.

If I’m being entirely honest with myself, I don’t think my shyness is something I can just learn to “get over”. I’ve had to confront it with my demanding job—and, if anything, the more exposure I get to socially-involved activities, the more it becomes just obvious to me that I’m cut from a different cloth than other men. My shyness doesn’t appear like something I can get over.

I honestly do not understand for the life of me how other men attract women.

Is there any recommendations anyone has for how I can change my trajectory with this?


Edited by EternalDreamer (07/02/23 09:39 PM)


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InvisibleLynnch
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: EternalDreamer] * 3
    #28383100 - 07/03/23 12:16 AM (6 months, 23 days ago)

"unable to attract women" is an interesting phrase.. are you approaching any women? Making yourself appear interested and available? Or are you just waiting?
Do you have any friends? Female friends? Any relationship experience at all? Have you tried dating apps?

31 is hard, after leaving school it can be easy to become socially isolated.. Do you have hobbies that take you into the world to be around other people? Go to the gym?

It's ok to be shy, folks are attracted to all different types. I think the strategy that most guys use is to shoot their shot as frequently as possible, learn to deal with rejection, and play the numbers game until someone bites. You don't necessarily have to go that route, but you do have to put yourself out there in some way.

You say you know how to have a conversation.. have you ever steered a conversation with the intention of learning if a woman is single and a potential partner?


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: EternalDreamer] * 2
    #28383104 - 07/03/23 12:26 AM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Ok, I can help with this since I lost my virginity in my mid-20's.

A short story first: My neighbour is a fat, hairy dude who isnt very attractive and looks like the World of Warcraft gamer dude from South part. However, he has had multiple ladies over since he moved in around 1.5 years ago. His secret? He is very socialable and friendly. From his success and my own personal success, this is how you attract a woman.

1) Be Passionate

If you are passionate about something, anything, you will attract a woman. Just dont be passionate about dark, scary, fucked-up, depressing things (obviously). Women see passion as "they must be passionate about love too".

2) Be Confident

This is closely tied to being passionate. Be confident in yourself, your abilities, your job, etc. Confidence is very important to attracting a woman. My neighbour has high social confidence.

3) Be Good at Flirting

This is a big one. A lot of guys cannot pick-up on signs of flirting. I still struggle with it sometimes. It a very elusive artform for many guys.

Joyanima at YT is an expert in explaining flirting. I highly recommend watching her videos. Heres one on the subject:



Not only is picking up on flirting but flirting back with a woman is very important. It tells the woman you are interested and that you want her. This will attract a woman.

4) Be Good at Talking

Women love to talk. Well, most of them. Some women are quiet but they usually want a guy to talk to them. This is the difficult one for me as I am quiet usually, but certain women can make me more outgoing/outspoken. Other women seem to make me more quiet and reserved. If you can get a woman to talk to you, either by talking to/with them, thats a huge way to attract a woman.

5) Find Astrological Matches

I really believe that Astrology and Love are closely tied. Ive found I attract specific Astrological signs such as Virgo and Sagittarius. Its a trend Ive seen repeated over and over. I believe the best bet is to look deeply into your Astrology sign and use that to help you attract a woman that would "match" with you.

6) Making Your Love Intentions Clear

This is about advertising yourself. Make women know you are looking for love. This can be done on dating apps/websites, with clothing (dressing nice for example), flirting (thats an obvious one for women), and how you talk to a woman. If your intentions are clearly presented non-verbally to a woman, this could attract one.

My last piece of advice is watch Romantic Comedies and take notes on paper of what the guys do around the lady they are attracted to. This will help you pick up on the subtle signs of women and the dos and donts of guy's behaviour. Think of it as social-mental training. These men-women attraction tropes featured in films are quite accurate to how women really behave. Thats one reason why these types of movies are popular. Some good movies to watch would be There's Something About Mary, Shallow Hal, The Girl Next Door, What Happens in Vegas, Just Go with It, The Lost City, Office Space and We're the Millers.

I hope this helps you out. :shroomeryhead:


--------------------
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OfflineGlacia
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 2
    #28383146 - 07/03/23 02:49 AM (6 months, 23 days ago)

As a 21-year-old woman my advice is you don't sit around waiting to attract women. You go for them. I never approach guys, I heard some guys nowadays have approach anxiety and it's understandable but I'm shy so I'm still single.

Your problem is that you're probably too nice and don't flirt. You said you lack charisma and am shy. So there's your problem. I myself am attracted to confident guys. I am indeed sitting around waiting to attract men but they play so many games and go for every other girl apart from me. That's if I'm talking about the guys I get crushes on. Otherwise I seem to attract guys online and in real life sometimes. It never gets as far as a relationship. I always go for the unavailable guys it seems. Also I read stuff wrong. The young male repairman at our house who kept asking questions about my life, probably friendly, my guy friends said.

I'm working on building my confidence etc and projecting that into the world around me, you know your aura, whatever. I feel secure when I'm following my interests. Electronic music etc. That's who I am. Guys will have to take it or leave it. I used to have no friends and, was clingy. I'm lucky nowadays to have friends. Scared of losing them. Part of my loneliness is gone. I'm still single as hell and have been let down many times so that I have no hope but sometimes I'm able to forget it. That's my 2 cents or whatever they say.

I know I look good and have some good traits even if I feel doomed, also had some guys flirting with me on a social media platform, Idk.


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OfflineWhoManBeing
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: Glacia] * 1
    #28383150 - 07/03/23 02:51 AM (6 months, 23 days ago)

As she said there above, you got get them.


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Offlinekoods
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: WhoManBeing] * 1
    #28383175 - 07/03/23 04:32 AM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Prozac cures exactly this type of shyness related to lack of confidence


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OfflineSee_Ya_207
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: EternalDreamer]
    #28383256 - 07/03/23 07:16 AM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Hop on a flight to Sunnyvale, Ca. They have a whole legal service that helps dudes like you get therapy & laid. Not sure how much the whole shebang costs but I've read the experience is decent.


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OfflineEternalDreamer
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: koods] * 1
    #28383274 - 07/03/23 07:40 AM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Thanks, these are all really thoughtful replies. I don't want to be dismissive of them, but need to provide more context...

I guess the problem for me is more foundational. I just don't think I'm built for women. You say "unable to attract women" is an interesting phrase, but that's just the way to describe me.

I'm not confident and very shy. I don't really think there's much I can do to change that. Again, I'm forced into a lot of social interactions through my job, and nothing has really worked to improve my confidence and shyness. If anything, the more interactions I've had, the more I come to feel that I'm fundamentally different than most men personality-wise. It's just really hardcoded into my DNA.

I've tried acting confident and, as you can imagine, it ends up making things worse -- I always come out looking very awkward and don't feel like myself. I feel so fake and feel like I'm being someone who I'm not. It feels truly terrible and reminds me of middle school when I tried to "fit in with the cool kids". It's weird though, because, to be honest, I have things to be confident about that most guys lack (millionaire, good job, decent looks, genuinely nice/safe, good family, smart), but I just can't project confidence for the love of me.

For instance, one big recommendation here is to actually approach women. That takes confidence and an ability to put yourself in a vulnerable situation. But how do you do that? The very idea of approaching a woman doesn't even really make sense to me. It's like asking me to pull myself up from the loop on my shoes. Do I just go up to a woman at Whole Foods and start intimidating her with flirting questions? It sounds desperate to me--border-line rude, but, at a minimum, extremely anxiety-producing. I'm confused why I'm that much of an outlier. If evolution worked perfectly, I shouldn't be here right now.

I use dating apps, and they've really gotten me nowhere. I live near a major metropolitan area (Miami for crying out loud). I've gone to singles mixers, and they're so painful to me. Generally, the singles mixers are dominated 7:3 men:women, the men are circling the woman and acting full of it, and I'm just sort of in the background.

Since I'm very introverted and shy, most of my hobbies relate around that theme: video games, art, smoking weed & taking shrooms alone, philosophy & metaphysics, listening to music, watching YouTube, reading random stuff on the Internet. I love animals, hiking, and nature trails, and spending time with family. I feel so much energy and love when I'm around my family, it hurts me to know that I'm probably not going to have a girlfriend/wife/children of my own.

I was recently rejected by a woman after my third date I met on a dating app, which prompted this post. She told me she wanted to just be friends and that I am so "nice" and "sweet". It was a very genuine message, but I got the impression that it was a cautionary tale that I'm not dating material.

What confuses me is when people talk about how tough it is dating and the interpersonal challenges it brings--but, man, I can't even get to a working relationship after 31 years. I have a 15 year old niece that comes up to me and tells me how she doesn't understand how I've never had a relationship, and that she would have to "practically have to go out of her way to not find one". My 13 year old nephew tells me girls flirt with him all the time. I've had nothing. Zero.

Dating apps - this is my bread & butter, and I do get occasional matches on these. Generally, 50% of the women only post a half-sentence, 40% are clearly not matches, maybe 10% are conducive. The point is... it's like a trickle of interest I get through them. I use a total of 3 dating apps (Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, and an indie app), live in Miami. I would say I average a date from them once every 2 months / maybe once very month. My sister in-law told me my profile looks great. Good pictures, good bio.

This makes 0 sense. There's no way it's THIS hard to find a woman. The situation is so weird that I've considered the fact that I may be living in a simulation, and this is all a practical joke. It can't possibly be THIS hard. I get women like confidence, but every women?

Do you think there are women out there on dating apps for very shy men? How would I attract them?


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InvisibleBigcmcg
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: EternalDreamer] * 1
    #28383513 - 07/03/23 11:11 AM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Try a different country that isn’t westernized. south east Asia Caribbean africa.


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OfflineEternalDreamer
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: Bigcmcg]
    #28383728 - 07/03/23 01:32 PM (6 months, 23 days ago)

So, I politely asked the girl who dumped me if she had any suggestions, and she kindly advised: "my only suggestion would be to relax and just be yourself more".

You see what my problem is? I have high social anxiety, shy, and am not confident... and this is built into my personality DNA. Acting otherwise forces me BE someone who I am NOT.

So it's either (a) I act out my shyness and nervousness and be authentic to who I am, or (b) be fake and conceal my shyness, and wind up look nervous anyway. Between the two, (a) is obviously preferred, but I don't think that's going to ever attract any woman.


How on Earth am I then ever going to be able to attract a woman, when consistently poll after poll indicates that women like men with confidence and men who take initiative? That's just not me.


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: Bigcmcg]
    #28383753 - 07/03/23 01:54 PM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Im kinda woth Bigcm on this one: perhaps you should pursue an Asian woman? They are typically shy and are attacted to shy guys too.

OP, sounds like you have had some success with dating. So thats at least somewhat encouraging. Id recommend looking for a femal life coach or female therapist to help you "break free" from your shyness. You could even hire a dating matchmaker who will find you the "right" woman.

Miami seems like the worst place for a shy guy to meet/attract a woman, in my opinion. U may have to move :shrug: Or you can stay in Miami and keep trying.

You may find article helpful: https://psychreel.com/do-girls-like-shy-guys/

Certain women are attracted to shy guys. A small percentage. Usually these women are demisexual, which essentially means they prefer to take things slow. These are the types of women you want to meet.


--------------------
"What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin

PROJECT BLUE BOOK ANALYSIS! (312 pages!) | Psychedelics & UFOs | Ready to Contact UFOs? | The Source on Mushrooms:shroomeryhead:| Trippy Gematrix | Dj TeknoLogical | Fentanyl Test Kits R.I.P. Big Worm :tombstone: || The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth 🌎🌍🌏                                                         
:sunny::bliss::mushroom2: Oregon Eclipse Festival 2017 :: Aug 19th - 21st :: Pure Paradise :mushroom2::bliss::sunny: :rainbowdrink: Very Effective LSA Extraction Tek :rainbowdrink: | 💧 Advanced Cold Water LSA Extraction Method 💧 | :cacti::bongload: Mescajuana - Mescaline with Marijuana | DMT Dab Bongs | UFO Technology! :shpongle:Shpongle:shpongle:   


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OfflineJoh.Ke
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
    #28383974 - 07/03/23 05:14 PM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Make yourself interesting.  Make talking to you interesting/entertaining.  This should help with getting your foot in the door.  Once there's something between you and her, engage her emotions.  This actually works for both genders but women more so.


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OfflineJoh.Ke
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #28383980 - 07/03/23 05:17 PM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Quote:

LogicaL Chaos said:

Certain women are attracted to shy guys. A small percentage. Usually these women are demisexual, which essentially means they prefer to take things slow. These are the types of women you want to meet.




He can also try religious women.  Usually these women don't mind guys who are a little shy.  Humble guys who aren't super confident are fine with them, they call this humility.


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Offlineashfiken
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: EternalDreamer] * 1
    #28383983 - 07/03/23 05:20 PM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Quote:

EternalDreamer said:
So, I politely asked the girl who dumped me if she had any suggestions, and she kindly advised: "my only suggestion would be to relax and just be yourself more".

You see what my problem is? I have high social anxiety, shy, and am not confident... and this is built into my personality DNA. Acting otherwise forces me BE someone who I am NOT.

So it's either (a) I act out my shyness and nervousness and be authentic to who I am, or (b) be fake and conceal my shyness, and wind up look nervous anyway. Between the two, (a) is obviously preferred, but I don't think that's going to ever attract any woman.


How on Earth am I then ever going to be able to attract a woman, when consistently poll after poll indicates that women like men with confidence and men who take initiative? That's just not me.




I think this could help
You can't be shy AND nervous.
I would agree that your personality may very well not be best suited for "socializing" or w/e..
BUT!!!
The nervousness is the only part of your personality you will not easily lose..
Lots of ppl are nervous, and deal with it in a variety of ways, AND still come off as nervous! That's ok! Life isn't easy and most understand that except extremely privileged assets, who's company you don't want anyway!
However,
Shyness is just fear(in a social sense)
You have to get rid of this fear, in order to share your personality.
That is your must.
The way to do this is to simply realize that nothing is that serious or highly implicative here! It's a social interaction at whatever minimal or maximum it ends up as!
And many of is have 1000s of variable interactions in a day!
That can make one nervous itself
I think if you can realize nothing is serious enough be shy or in fear about then you can express whatever personality you have with anyone interested..


--------------------
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OfflineEternalDreamer
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: ashfiken] * 1
    #28384697 - 07/04/23 10:56 AM (6 months, 22 days ago)

Thanks, these are all really helpful comments. I'll try to take them all to heart. I like what you said ashfiken about shyness and nervousness not being the same thing.

"I think if you can realize nothing is serious enough be shy or in fear about then you can express whatever personality you have with anyone interested.."


"Lots of ppl are nervous, and deal with it in a variety of ways, AND still come off as nervous! That's ok! Life isn't easy and most understand that except extremely privileged assets, who's company you don't want anyway!"


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Anonymous #1

Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: EternalDreamer]
    #28386431 - 07/05/23 09:11 PM (6 months, 20 days ago)

There’s chicks that are old virgins. It’s bizarre but it happens. Gotta pop dat cherry.


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Offlinelifeiswhatyoumake
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: EternalDreamer] * 1
    #28387039 - 07/06/23 11:40 AM (6 months, 20 days ago)

OP, do you lift weights?  if not, start.  That will give you confidence.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: EternalDreamer]
    #28393375 - 07/12/23 10:21 AM (6 months, 14 days ago)

Quote:

EternalDreamer said:

I'm not confident and very shy.

I don't really think there's much I can do to change that.




You must attack that belief with a battery of howitzers

:rockets::rockets::rockets:


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OfflineRache2020
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: Lynnch] * 1
    #28408427 - 07/25/23 07:38 PM (6 months, 23 hours ago)

Do you meet women at your job? A lot of people get together through work. Or you should join a club that you'd enjoy where there are women. Or even volunteer? Using dating sites is generally not a great way to meet people, especially for guys. I don't think you should hit on random women unless you happen to be in a club-still not a great place to meet people but at least it's acceptable to go ask for a dance or buy someone a drink. Might not be great for your confidence as I'd bet men get rejected more often than not in clubs.

Oh and don't take TV shows or films (or porn) as a reference for how women act because it's not reality. I can always tell when a scene in a TV show is written by a guy-it'll just have some random women coming onto a guy or a horny housewife flirting outrageously with any man who comes to the door-ridiculous, we don't act like that (at least no one I know does). Women are very SUBTLE! Lol. You may not be picking up on any signs. And you have to be ok with getting rejected every now and then-it's not nice but don't take it personally, it could be about her not you. And it's ok if you're not her type-you could be for the next woman who comes along.


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OfflineRache2020
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Re: I feel like I’m completely unable to attract a woman [Re: Rache2020]
    #28408482 - 07/25/23 08:28 PM (6 months, 22 hours ago)

Quote:

My last piece of advice is watch Romantic Comedies and take notes on paper of what the guys do around the lady they are attracted to. This will help you pick up on the subtle signs of women and the dos and donts of guy's behaviour. Think of it as social-mental training. These men-women attraction tropes featured in films are quite accurate to how women really behave. Thats one reason why these types of movies are popular. Some good movies to watch would be There's Something About Mary, Shallow Hal, The Girl Next Door, What Happens in Vegas, Just Go with It, The Lost City, Office Space and We're the Millers.




I just noticed this right after I hit reply and said don't take any notice of how women act in TV shows or films (didn't read all the replies properly before) oops! Haha :blush: I've not seen any of those films so I can't speak to their accuracy (maybe I'll watch them and see what I think) but generally women flirting in movies is exaggerated.

Aside from that, lots of comedies and dramas make it seem insanely easy to get dates (Friends is a good example) and that there are hot single people everywhere that will just come up to you and ask you out. Unfortunately that's not the case for men or women!


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