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Tom66
Stranger
Registered: 11/18/16
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Last seen: 26 days, 2 hours
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Looking for feedback on a poem(s) i wrote about Depression 1
#28329994 - 05/22/23 01:26 PM (8 months, 2 days ago) |
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I havent shared this with anyone as of yet. I have chronic, clinical depression, and as such I have often written fantasy suicide notes.
In a dark place last week I wrote this, then it dawned on me that I was sort of describing how a therapeutic mushroom trip had changed my perspective on Depression and the Self entirely.
Id love to have some feedback, especially from those of you know are intimate with Depression. Here goes:
A Suicide Note to The Self (Depression)
Please know, I haven’t gone.
I’ll always be here, you just won’t see me, or hear me. That is to say, not how you used to anyway.
Please know, I still exist and always did.
Just not inside a blond haired, troubled kid.
You won’t worry how I am today if things seem bleak,
Or what storm I’d concocted in my little brain that week.
Instead, I’m the sun on shining white birch trees’ shuddering green leaves, forming early May, just in time for what was my birthday.
Deep summer’s purple Peak heather, and calamitous storms linking calm blue weather.
And when September’s little mushrooms show; they really can talk, you know.
I’m in a place I’ve been before, without breath; before life. Do you remember death?
I’m nothing now, as I always was.
But I’m also everything, so we haven’t lost.
So cry, but you’ll never shatter.
I once was, but I still am.
I love you, and that’s the only thing to ever matter.
Edited by Tom66 (06/03/23 11:59 AM)
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DividedQuantum
Outer Head


Registered: 12/06/13
Posts: 9,818
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Re: Looking for feedback on a poem i wrote about Depression [Re: Tom66]
#28330220 - 05/22/23 04:18 PM (8 months, 2 days ago) |
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I don't have much experience with depression, but I think this is a beautiful poem. It may come from a place of darkness, but I find it uplifting and positive. You have pretty good chops; I'd keep on writing poems if I were you.
-------------------- Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici
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saintdextro
Entheogen psychonaut



Registered: 01/03/15
Posts: 584
Last seen: 7 months, 9 days
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Re: Looking for feedback on a poem i wrote about Depression [Re: DividedQuantum]
#28330459 - 05/22/23 08:09 PM (8 months, 2 days ago) |
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I like the nature images in it.
and the expression of hidden pain.
Your words will now exist for a long, long time on the net, and that's a great thing.
If you do plunge into the darkness, you have another Friend you hurt.
Luv ya.
-------------------- "He who finds peace and joy And radiance within himself That man becomes one with God And vanishes into God's bliss." -Bhagavad Gita, 5.24 One 21 - Building Better Bombs One 21 - Pacified One 21 - Two Sides Is Fine "Respectability is a cloak for the hypocrite" - Jiddu Krishnamurti
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Tom66
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Registered: 11/18/16
Posts: 80
Last seen: 26 days, 2 hours
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Re: Looking for feedback on a poem i wrote about Depression [Re: saintdextro]
#28330726 - 05/23/23 03:14 AM (8 months, 2 days ago) |
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Thanks! And yeah, it’s the same reason I upload trip reports, it’s a good memory bank this place for that stuff
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Tom66
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Last seen: 26 days, 2 hours
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Re: Looking for feedback on a poem i wrote about Depression [Re: Tom66] 1
#28345651 - 06/03/23 11:40 AM (7 months, 22 days ago) |
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Here’s another:
The Devil is In Me
He tells me what I’m really worth, Nothing, In fact, worse. You don’t deserve to walk this Earth. You don’t deserve warm love or mirth. You’re weak, and you’ll end a failure, You horrid little whining wailer. Then, Staring straight into my tight-shut eyes, He tells me that it’s time I died.
Dark i know 😅
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DividedQuantum
Outer Head


Registered: 12/06/13
Posts: 9,818
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Re: Looking for feedback on a poem i wrote about Depression [Re: Tom66]
#28345658 - 06/03/23 11:42 AM (7 months, 22 days ago) |
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Those are terribly depressing lyrics, but the poem is technically excellent.
-------------------- Vi Veri Universum Vivus Vici
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Tom66
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Registered: 11/18/16
Posts: 80
Last seen: 26 days, 2 hours
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Re: Looking for feedback on a poem i wrote about Depression [Re: DividedQuantum] 1
#28345682 - 06/03/23 11:57 AM (7 months, 22 days ago) |
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Sorry, just an outlet… I can’t write poetry when I’m happy lol
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TheLiesUnderneath
Lost Prophet



Registered: 05/19/16
Posts: 222
Last seen: 1 month, 2 days
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Re: Looking for feedback on a poem i wrote about Depression [Re: Tom66]
#28352284 - 06/08/23 03:24 PM (7 months, 16 days ago) |
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I love you. I think altering a few of the words would help with the prose, instead of concocted I would use fermented:
"Or what storm I’d fermented in my little brain that week."
It's an amazing expression of the transmutation of the soul after death. Please keep writing, I enjoy your poetry
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Tom66
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Posts: 80
Last seen: 26 days, 2 hours
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Re: Looking for feedback on a poem i wrote about Depression [Re: TheLiesUnderneath]
#28354387 - 06/10/23 11:04 AM (7 months, 15 days ago) |
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Thanks!
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Tom66
Stranger
Registered: 11/18/16
Posts: 80
Last seen: 26 days, 2 hours
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Re: Looking for feedback on a poem i wrote about Depression [Re: Tom66]
#28354390 - 06/10/23 11:06 AM (7 months, 15 days ago) |
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To be honest if I don’t write it’s a good thing, because I can only write when in the absolute depths.
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