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Anonymous #1

When is it time to walk away from a marriage?
    #28312184 - 05/09/23 04:11 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

We got married right before the pandemic.  She was always a bit of a drinker, but lock down brought her to a new level.  She'd yell and throw things. She's always angry.  Work, politics, family, guy from traffic, bagger at the supermarket.  As soon as she gets home it's into a rant.  I've got my own stuff I'd like to talk to her about but I really can't get any time with being interrupted about her stuff.  I'm a bit cut off from friends. I have one friend who's got time to talk, but the friend is a platonic female and my wife won't let me see her for a cup of coffee. She started using weed daily.  It's made the temper better (not throwing things) but she goes from furious to high every night.  I have no connection with her at this point.  She's very self conscious about her body due to weight she put on during the pandemic (drinking all night in front of the tv with no activity will do that) so our sex life has suffered.  She complains about her weight.  I have a very active lifestyle and encourage her to join me but she won't, and won't eat fresh food I cook, she loves prepackaged foods and that's it. 

Financially she makes more money than me and reminds me often.  It's true that life would be very tight if I left.  Working on improving my economic situation so I'm not financially trapped.  But at least at this moment I kind of am. 

We have no kids together.

We're in couples therapy.  She's drank before our last two sessions. She said I'm the perfect husband (clearly I'm not) but she can't even stay sober to work on our stuff for an hour once a week. 


How long do I stay in this situation?  I don't want to give up, but it feels like I'm trapped.


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Anonymous #2

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28312207 - 05/09/23 04:57 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

First of all, it's inappropriate to go out with your female friend. Married or committed people shouldn't be having friends of the opposite sex, particularly "going out" together regardless of how you frame it. I don't care about whatever hippy bullshit cope that is inevitably going to follow this luke warm take. Married men shouldn't be trying to spend time with other women, especially because you need some shoulder to cry on 🙄.

Secondly, it already seems like you're getting the fundamentals done but I always question the idea of therapy for couples because couples that don't need therapy are ones that function properly. If you aren't functioning properly on a communicative level then I can only assume it's the fault of you both rather than one exclusive party. Clearly she has shit to work on but with such weak mental health and you being her one and only, how much effort do you really spend building her up? Feeling distance is one thing. Acting on it can only be a self fulfilling prophecy. I think you two need true one on one time. Get a hotel, do some mushrooms. Have you ever expressed that the alcohol is unhealthy and you want her around as long as possible? It's hard when the one you love is going past a point you never imagined but sometimes it's because the one person they rely on isn't providing basic things.


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Anonymous #3

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28312214 - 05/09/23 05:09 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Sometimes a separation is necessary. From what you mentioned it seems like couples therapy has not been effective. Or am I missing something? Is the advice received going in one ear and out the other? For both of you or just for one of you? Maybe you have an incompetent therapist?

I bet you didn't marry just so you couldn't have sex and to fight and bicker day after day. From what you said it seems that only the hope that things will change is keeping you together. Or is there something you like about the current situation other than the financial stability? What changed from the time you wanted to get married to the present time? And why did that change occurr? Obviously there is still something that is keeping you together. You are still with her in spite of her bad habits and attitude and total lack of sexual desire. But what is it that is keeping you together?

Sometimes a separation can make you both see things better. Not necessarily a divorce. Just not being together anymore. Maybe the separation will make you both reflect and decide whether you want to get back together again and fix everything that is wrong or maybe the separation will make you realize you both are better off on your own and proceed towards a divorce.

Regarding her income being higher. There's a saying that goes more or less like this: "don't marry for money, it is cheaper to borrow it".


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OfflineRoflspammer
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #3] * 1
    #28312230 - 05/09/23 05:36 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

Divorce, now. You don't have kids. That's all I had to read. Marriage today is not the institution is was, and frankly, if you don't have kids, what's the point of being married? My personal opinion aside, I only have one question for you:

Would you want your wife to be the role model for your children?

I wouldn't want a drunk raising my children.
Yes people can change, but personality does not. She will likely harbor anger for a long time to come.


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Offlineukufu
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28312264 - 05/09/23 06:49 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

Marriage is such a primitive and archaic practice. Avoiding it to begin with will always be best. If you need to ask strangers on the internet if it's time to go, then you should have left months ago. Full stop. No "but, what  if?" no "well maybe this time" go pack your bags right now. Call a lawyer, document EVERYTHING.


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Anonymous #1

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #28312299 - 05/09/23 07:26 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

I hear you about the female friend, as a general rule but I'd say not universal.  One of her good friends is a guy she works with.  They go to lunch regularly and it doesn't bother me. 

We had a vacation a couple of months ago.  Vacation was great, we came back to what we left.  We've done mushrooms together a number of times.  I get stressed because sometimes shortly (same night) after, she's back to being very critical of things.  I don't understand it as I'm usually in the after glow. 

This is our second counselor in the last year.  The first one was triggered by my wife and said she had to quit seeing us after a few appointments.  I think this one has good ideas. My wife said she thinks the things she learns help with her work relationships.  It's probably helping a bit.  Gains are very slow.

As far as what changed from then until now, 2020.  Before that she would get called Pollyanna.  She got really politically polarized during 2020.  She and I are typically on the same side if the isle, but she's gotten to where she uses the other party's name an insult or an automatic qualifier of people she cannot get along with. It bled to her being super critical of lots of things. She went from being an upbeat person to ask incredibly negative person during lock down.  I don't recognize her as who I married.

I'm due for a substantial raise next month that would almost keep up with the last year's inflation.  I guess that gives a month to see if she can change?


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Anonymous #3

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28312370 - 05/09/23 08:34 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

Any indicators that she is doing anything to change? Stop watching news, stop following social media and stop anything that promotes fear and drama. But then again, fear and drama are another form of addiction.  That's why soap operas and talk shows are so popular.


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Anonymous #1

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #28312378 - 05/09/23 08:38 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

She did stop for a while but is back at it.  That and murder shows. Not the same, probably off topic, but I can't get my head around why anyone would want to watch that kind of crap.  I have a history involving lots of violence and cannot imagine what the draw of that is.  For that one I think I can say to each their own.  Sorry, not sleeping much, that was probably totally unrelated.


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OfflineKryptos
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 4
    #28312404 - 05/09/23 09:06 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

If I was in your situation, I'd get the fuck out yesterday.

And anon#2 is wrong. Opposite sex friends are perfectly normal, and if my significant other can't handle me having female friends, honestly that alone is a good enough reason for me to leave. That's the isolation step of abuse. Especially if you're feeling cut off from friends, that's just a massive red flag. Combine that with constant rage and drug abuse, dude.

I wouldn't even go home tonight if I was you.

Edit: if you do decide to stick it out, I could see this becoming a codependent back and forth abuse situation. I've been in one of those before. You don't want to be there. The longer it goes, the harder it becomes to end (because you will also start getting addicted to strong emotions--thats why rage feels so good) and the worse it gets.


Edited by Kryptos (05/09/23 09:21 AM)


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Anonymous #3

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Kryptos]
    #28312508 - 05/09/23 10:21 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

:whathesaid:

I am of the opinion that a divorce doesn't occur when the papers are signed. That is just a formality. The divorce occurs when you no longer share the same goals that led you to get married. This maybe the case already. You may still love her but in the long run, if you don't get the support,  connection, and yes sex, that you need from her,  it will turn slowly into represed anger and resentment. It will be painful to accept the need for a separation but it's probably the best for you and her. You can always heal your emotional wounds and get back together or move on. But staying together simply causes pain to both of you.


Edited by Anonymous (05/09/23 10:23 AM)


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Invisiblesudly
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28313375 - 05/09/23 08:41 PM (8 months, 15 days ago)

I can only share my own experiences that helped me to accept that moving on was my next step.

We had some communication issues we tried to work through, but if after 5 years we still weren't able to communicate well, when we're we going to?

And after realising I was becoming distant from the relationship I recognised that while it was going to hurt her to end things, it was going to hurt her more to drag things out or string her along if I was feeling too distant.

We didn't have kids and didn't live together. We ended things amicably and I can still say she is a good person. We grew apart and wanted different things in life which was hard to accept, but important to respect for both of us to grow and move on.


--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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Anonymous #4

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28313392 - 05/09/23 08:58 PM (8 months, 15 days ago)

Be with someone who makes you happy. That you look forward to. That you enjoy. That you want to do life with. A life partner.
Learn from it. There is no shame.
Choose to be happy and make yourself happy.
If it is her. Then you have some work to do. Both of you.
Your happiness comes from yourself. Your adds joy to it.
It's heartbreaking and difficult . But we can do difficult things.


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Anonymous #4

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28313395 - 05/09/23 08:59 PM (8 months, 15 days ago)

My opposite sex friends have been the best.
My maid of honor was my best friend who is a man.


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Anonymous #1

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #28313945 - 05/10/23 08:44 AM (8 months, 15 days ago)

Thank you all so much for your help.

Regarding being happy with someone else, if this relationship doesn't work, I have no desire to be in another anytime soon.


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Anonymous #4

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28314251 - 05/10/23 12:26 PM (8 months, 15 days ago)

I hope you both find happiness in yourselves.


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28314989 - 05/10/23 10:19 PM (8 months, 14 days ago)

Yeah she sounds like a mess and is unwilling to change herself. I would end that marriage Asap.


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OfflineManianFHS
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #28315053 - 05/10/23 11:48 PM (8 months, 14 days ago)

Yikes. Every marriage is different. Mine has a kid, but even if it didn’t I would split hell in half trying to make the shit work. I came from that kind of family where shit was downright hostile at times but they stuck it out, and it was probably to the betterment of us kids. They’re still together for better or for worse.

Feel like my wife and I share that philosophy, save a few hard lines.

Can’t say how I would respond in your spot honestly. You gotta ask if it’s worth fighting for trying to save it. Do you love her, and still want to commit the rest of your life to her is where I would start. Do you know she would do the same for you, cut her fucking arm off to save you without thinking? Some of that shit you just know the answer to.

Loyalty goes a long way imo but so does self destruction. Part of me says let the man take over, break those bottles in front of her and say she’s done with it until she gets a grip on her shit. The other part says have a talk with her, a this decides the fate of our marriage talk, and ask if her being wasted constantly is more important than you two having a happy future, and then act based on her response.

Have either encounter when she’s sober, lol… bad drunks are literally impossible to reason with.


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Invisiblenooneman
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28315091 - 05/11/23 01:18 AM (8 months, 14 days ago)

If you're asking yourself this question, it's over. Get it over with now before you waste even more years of your life.


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Invisiblesudly
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: nooneman]
    #28315096 - 05/11/23 01:30 AM (8 months, 14 days ago)

Quote:

nooneman said:
If you're asking yourself this question, it's over.



Seconded.


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I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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Anonymous #1

Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: sudly] * 2
    #28315404 - 05/11/23 08:02 AM (8 months, 14 days ago)

Had a solo session with the relationship counselor last night.  Laid it all out.  She has a couple things she thinks might be helpful in the next couple weeks.  It's a short enough time frame, I think I'll give it a chance while also making sure I have arrangements to gtfo if it doesn't.  I'm not set up to walk out at the moment, so there's not a real downside of trying.


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OfflineAbombs
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28319306 - 05/14/23 09:24 AM (8 months, 11 days ago)

Tell she has to get help and quit drinking and if she won't then leave.

Being with an alcoholic sucks and is traumatizing.

If she won't quit she isn't worth being with.


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Invisiblesudly
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: Abombs]
    #28319644 - 05/14/23 03:20 PM (8 months, 11 days ago)

I used to drink heaps, now I've had maybe 5 drinks this year.

I was prescribed gapabentin last year and it helped to reduce some of my alcohol use, but definitely not all. I haven't had any this year but went through lot of personal growth and development too.

I had a ultrasound late last year too and found I had 5% non-alcoholic fatty liver due to my sugary diet. I've lost 10kg since by cutting sugary beverages.

And although 5% is relatively benign, it is an indicator that my lifestyle had future potential to harm my health, and that information has been useful to striving for change too. Because 10-30% can be risky.


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I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: When is it time to walk away from a marriage? [Re: sudly]
    #28320426 - 05/15/23 10:16 AM (8 months, 10 days ago)

Quote:

sudly said:
I used to drink heaps, now I've had maybe 5 drinks this year.

I was prescribed gapabentin last year and it helped to reduce some of my alcohol use, but definitely not all. I haven't had any this year but went through lot of personal growth and development too.

I had a ultrasound late last year too and found I had 5% non-alcoholic fatty liver due to my sugary diet. I've lost 10kg since by cutting sugary beverages.

And although 5% is relatively benign, it is an indicator that my lifestyle had future potential to harm my health, and that information has been useful to striving for change too. Because 10-30% can be risky.




Naltrexone helps with alcohol also


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“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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