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Anonymous #1

About to lose my wife
    #28310948 - 05/08/23 02:08 AM (8 months, 17 days ago)

Im about to lose my wife. she says she's fed up with living with my family at our old house. We live in a country where it's normal to be living with parents.
We separate all our expenses, but we cannot afford our own house yet, and we don't want to rent.
She hates my mother. I don't blame her. But my family has adjusted to her, just so that we don't get into fights.
I hate that she feels like a prisoner, and I think I shouldn't stop her.
I've always treated her with care, loved her. To be perfectly honest, I've lost my temper lots of times, but I never hurt her. She has a way with words that can trigger you to lose your temper. She knows what makes you tick and she'll use it to feel like she won the argument.
I've always ended up hurting myself whenever I lose control. Cuts, bruises, concussions. Not for attention, but as a release of pent up anger.
What right do I have to stop anyone from wanting to be free.
I'm no saint or perfect husband. I'm aware of that. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought of ending it all, but I realize what a waste of life. Not religious. Just appreciate the world we live in.


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OfflineLouGouber
LoveEntity

Registered: 01/13/22
Posts: 6
Last seen: 6 months, 9 days
Re: About to lose my wife [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28312141 - 05/09/23 02:20 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

Whatever you do, do not end it all over this. Life goes on, no matter what happens.
Why do you not consider renting a separate place? Is it not better to try renting a place rather than losing your wife? It will cost you, for sure, but maybe you can save your marriage? Divorces are not cost free either...

Try talking to your wife about how you feel. Breaking apart should not happen because you didn't talk to each other. Worst that can happen, is that you find out that you want to go your separate ways.

Hang in there buddy. Life is amazing!


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Anonymous #2

Re: About to lose my wife [Re: LouGouber] * 1
    #28312270 - 05/09/23 06:55 AM (8 months, 16 days ago)

Sounds very unhealthy. You should let her go. It won’t get better IMO. If you don’t have kids then get out while you can and move on.


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Invisiblesudly
Darwin's stagger

Registered: 01/05/15
Posts: 10,798
Re: About to lose my wife [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28313367 - 05/09/23 08:36 PM (8 months, 15 days ago)

She doesn't feel welcome by your mum, she doesn't have enough privacy and feels imprisoned. And you have admitted to aggression and serious self harm.

It will hurt to see her go, but it will probably hurt more to keep things going the way you have described them.

I would have lost it if I had to live with my exs parents. She was a good partner, but here parents were completely different to me and I could not imagine living there.


--------------------
I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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Invisibleloladoreen
 User Gallery

Registered: 05/25/20
Posts: 5,339
Re: About to lose my wife [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28313418 - 05/09/23 09:17 PM (8 months, 15 days ago)

When you discuss it with her what does she want? If she is not happy and cannot find a solution, support her in finding her own happiness. That is love.
I can hear the pain reading your post. I am sorry you are hurting.
I think it says alot of who your that you care about her happiness. That Is noble.


--------------------
“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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OfflineManianFHS
living in perverty
 User Gallery


Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 14,741
Last seen: 22 hours, 28 minutes
Re: About to lose my wife [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #28313509 - 05/09/23 11:08 PM (8 months, 15 days ago)

Move out dude. Move far far away and do it quickly. Great of your family to help you financially but it’s not helping your wife/marriage, and if you consider that important (which it sounds like you do), say thanks to your family, pack your shit and make it work somewhere else.

It’ll be tough but fuck at least your wife will be happier, having a Spot to yourself is amazing for a marriage in general so if the person who is most important to you wants that then go make it happen. You’re a team and can figure it out together.

Also, and I mean this with heart as a guy to guy, stay away from that I’ll be lost and kill myself shit. You are a fucking man, so be a man, whether shit is as tough as it can get and when things are good. Be the rock in your relationship, and someone your wife knows she can depend on. It goes both ways for sure, but I’m just giving you the advice I would give myself in your situation, assuming your wife is totally worth pushing the big ass rock uphill for.


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."


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Anonymous #1

Re: About to lose my wife [Re: ManianFH]
    #28318674 - 05/13/23 08:07 PM (8 months, 11 days ago)

Thanks for all your advice. I've been busy for the past few days, so I wasn't able to respond.

That is the most reasonable thing to do right? Move out and rent.
She agrees, but at the same time she wants to save up money to build our own house, so we decide that it's best to stay for a little while longer, until we have enough. But then we go back to the same problem with living with my family. It's almost like I can predict when our next fight is going to happen. It's a quarterly cycle.

Anyway, I don't think I'm at that point of just giving up, though sometimes it feels that way, and it seems like it is the easiest way out, I don't want to waste the life that I have. I know it's a precious thing. I would also prefer to keep our marriage.
I just her to be happy. I want her to be proud of me.

But I feel like I have nothing. No job, no career, no business, no house.
I resigned from my job before the pandemic to help my aging father with his business, but that lasted only a couple of years.
I focused on helping my wife with her retail business because there are things that isn't able to do.
The business is slowing down due to inflation, so now she sometimes makes me feel that I should do something for more money.
I'm not the kind of person who you would say is driven to gain more than what is needed, just enough for a buffer is okay.
I'm not lazy, I'm more of a "relaxed outlook on life" kind of guy.
I know there are bigger problems that others are having, and my issues don't compare.
I know I'm more than capable of doing something about my problems, but I've always been afraid or hesitant to do something out of fear of failure or it being waste of time and money. Result of growing up without self-esteem.

Sorry, this has been too long of a post.. thanks for reading.
It helps to see the situation from another person's point of view.
Thank you all.


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Anonymous #3

Re: About to lose my wife [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28318819 - 05/13/23 10:40 PM (8 months, 11 days ago)

Couple things that came to me when reading your post:

If you have no job, no career, no business, no house - what time are you wasting necessarily? Are you filling your time with something which you value currently that you're afraid to lose it to other things like work or some other type of pursuit?

You also mentioned fear of failure. Is there a risky behavior underlying the activities you're considering that would make failure either too catastrophic or damaging or which makes whatever you're doing currently less risky?

Not rhetorical questions necessarily. Just curious what's driving those fears and apprehensions beyond just underlying anxiety. If there are actual substantive reasons that aren't just mental barriers, understandable. I'm just drawing from context here in general though and it sounds like a lot of these issues you're having stem from inaction from you.

If you want to make it work with the wife, I would at least consider that working for a while outside of the house might benefit you in multiple ways. You might be able to move out faster. You'll have time away from your family and your wife during the day and be able to approach those relationships in a more clear headed way where you've had several hours to run through conversations in your head. And if those two things reduce your stress maybe you will have fewer violent outbursts.

If it is just anxiety and obsessive thinking keeping you in a sort of rut, I think just facing some of the problems head on can give you perspective and direction, kind of cut through the fog a little bit.


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Anonymous #4

Re: About to lose my wife [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28319318 - 05/14/23 09:29 AM (8 months, 11 days ago)

There's no point in building a house if you're not happy when you get there. The point in building a house together is to have somewhere to be together. By putting it off you are sacrificing your time together, which is ultimately your goal anyway. It is worth pushing the house back if it means you get more time together that's loving and constructive. I know you've already given an excuse, but stop. Just move out when you can and accept that the house will have to wait a while longer than you want.

"I'm unhappy here and I worry the stress of living here isn't good for our relationship."


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