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Invisiblemadpsilo
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Registered: 06/28/09
Posts: 94
Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend.
    #28295646 - 04/26/23 03:46 AM (8 months, 29 days ago)

This post is a little longer but I want to make sure I give you all the information so I can get the most helpful feedback. I should mention I am a stage in my life where I feel very alone, very sad that I’ve never had a real relationship, and facing the fact I am may be alone forever.

Now this happens.

I could really use some advice and feedback from anyone who has experienced this, can provide insight, as well as any advice from Snapchat users. My emotions have been derailed from this experience so please bare with me.

I'm male and 33-years-old and have identified as gay. I want to start from the beginning and list most of our Snapchat conversation.

There’s this guy I met through work and pretty much fell in love with him over the course of two months. I knew he had a girlfriend and presumed he was straight (for that is usually my luck). But I accidentally would drop hints that I liked him and afterwards he was asking to get my contact info several times.

He asked for my number and was texting me before I even got off work. After giving him my number, he sent a friend request on Snapchat almost immediately. The next day he was asking if I accepted it. He seemed to be really set on texting or snapping with me. More than me even.

He started Snapchatting me continuously, asking what I was up to and saying hi through Snapchat which I am somewhat new at. He has been sending me messages through Snapchat everyday. He usually messages me first almost always and asks what I am doing.

Now, I’m not too experienced at Snapchat but what I do know, is usually when people send each other Snap selfies, it’s a Snap between significant others and not friends.

The next day I wake up to a Snap selfie of him (meaning a picture focused strictly on him) and saved it via screenshot. These selfies are focused on his face and he is fully clothed.

In Snapchat, it sent a notification to him that I saved it via screenshot. Now, I found it odd that a man who says he has a girlfriend would be sending his guy friend a plain selfie via Snapchat. I tried not to read into it too much but lightly complimented the photo (because what else do I say to a plain selfie) and came back to the Snapchat a few hours later.

There was this message:

“Hey, I got a question for you. Be honest. Do you have a crush on me?”

At the point, I haven’t even told him I’m gay.

After not knowing how to respond and thinking about it a little, another Snap selfie comes in pulling at my heart strings. It almost gave me some kind of hope that he wanted a relationship. It was picture of him smiling and he looked all cute and attracted me a lot.

So I told him, “Yes.”

He says, “That’s okay. I’m still gonna be your friend,” although I found that kind, it was also kind of disappointing because I thought he may have wanted something more. I was hoping it would be something more considering the selfies he was sending me.

Then he asks, “Was I the only guy you had a crush on at work?”

He goes, “Can you just be honest?”

Now this took me by surprise. Usually a a straight man with a girlfriend wouldn’t be curious about such a thing unless they are flattered by the attention or have in a bi-curious sort-of-way.

I told him, “Yes.”

I asked him to promise that this would stay between us and he promised it would stay between us and his girlfriend will not know.

Then he asks if I was bi and I just said I was bi.

And he says my name and, “Ok, I’m still your friend.”

I thought he was being really cool about this. I feel like most straight guys would have blocked me right away. I thanked him for understanding and he said, “I always understand.”

By then, I had gotten two Snap selfies of him, and he knows I’m saving them to my phone—one Snap selfies received in the midst of not replying to his question of whether or not I had a crush on him. He sent the picture when I wasn’t saying anything and it made me feel that maybe he did want a relationship.

Because why would a straight man with a girlfriend be sending selfies to a guy he is questioning if I have a crush on him and if he was the only guy I liked at work? I am so confused and my heart is getting mixed signals.

I didn’t want to ask if he was bi because it would’ve hurt too much to hear back, “Nope, I’m straight,” especially after receiving those photos. Literally, the sight of him makes my heart throb. So I continued to assume he was straight but was confused by the selfies because none of my other Snapchat friends send me plain selfies.

Through the day, several other selfies come in through Snapchat, still they are just of his face.

The night finally ends with him sending a snap of a selfie showing himself shirtless and laying on his bed. I saved it and he got the notification that I saved it like all of his selfies he would be notified I’m saving his selfies.

I immediately put a heart emoji on it and told him he was handsome. I really at this point thought he was flirting with me and may be bisexual but not admitting it or thinking maybe he does know he’s bisexual and wants something physical.

Either way, I couldn’t imagine a 100% straight man sending a shirtless photo of himself on his bed to a man who just admitted to having a crush on him.

After I heart-emojied that shirtless selfie snap he made the choice to send me and called him handsome, I was disheartened and surprised to see his response was:

“I have a wife, you know that right.”

So not: “Yo dude, I’m straight,” or “Hey man, I like girls.” Instead, he says for the first time, “I have wife” when he had been telling me the whole time it was his girlfriend.

I told him, “I thought she was your girlfriend.”

“Nope, she’s my wife,” he says.

I wanted to say, “Okay, why are you sending me these shirtless selfies then?”

I wanted to say, “If I was your wife, I’d be completely uncomfortable with you sending shirtless photos to a guy who just admitted to having a crush on you.” However, I did not say this.

I was trying to figure out why he seemed to just all of sudden back-out and what that meant in regards to the photos he was sending and/or my compliment that he was handsome but I just assumed he was saying not to compliment his selfies anymore.

This, “I have a wife, you know that right,” randomly came up after hearting his shirtless on-the-bed selfie snap and calling him handsome.

I just said, “Well, she’s lucky.”

He says, “Yeah, she is. Are you jealous of her?”

The next day, he continues sending random selfie snaps.

I eventually asked him, “Hey, I’m confused by these photos. What do you get out of sending these selfies to someone who just confessed to having a crush on you?”

“It’s Snapchat,” he says.

We then talked about hanging out or just plans for the weekend and he said something like, “I got a wife. I’m with her all the time.”

I asked, “So meaning we can’t hang out?”

“I’m down. I’m always down to hangout,” he says.

I told him, “I’m trying to understand what point you’re trying to make.”

Then he just bluntly says, “I got a wife.”

I say, “I know that?”

And I said: “I’m not trying to get with you.”

He just says, “Okay.”

I say, “I’m sorry if it came off that way.”

“That’s okay, man,” he says and continues to explain, “My wife is with me all the time.”

Could the compliment have just freaked him out?

I found that kind of odd too, just “okay” almost like he wants me to continue to lust over him but not admitting it because then he followed it up with, “My wife is with me all the time except when she’s at work.”

I didn’t really understand what he meant by that. In fact, most of what he has snapped is not making sense to me and I don’t know why he is doing it but it’s like playing games with my heart. Yet I find him to be a good friend especially after just accepting me and saying, “I’m still gonna be your friend,” after I admit to having “more than a crush” on him and that I’m bi.

He sent a couple more Snap selfies through out the after the shirtless selfie.

I have been really confused and depressed about this because I don’t know why he is sending these. I can’t get it out of my mind and I can’t stop looking at the pictures he sent me. It makes me feel good because I’ve never had a guy messaging me this much, sending my selfies, and I feel like he is way too attractive for me.

I also asked him, “So you don’t mind that I’m saving these?”

He says, “No.”

Also important to note is I haven’t sent him any selfies or pics in return. I haven’t done this because I knew he was in a relationship. But yet here he continuously sends me pictures.

So he knows I have shirtless selfies of him on my phone. He knows I’m saving his photos yet continues to send them. Then when I say “Thanks” and put a couple blushing and smiling emojies on it, he goes, “No problem.”

I really liked him and I’m wondering if he is teasing me and playing with my emotions or could he really be bi-curious and not admitting it? A day after the snap selfies slowed down, I had asked what he was doing in return and he made sure to mentioned “me n my wife” kind of redundantly.

So if you can please provide insight into why he is doing this and what I should do, please.

What is his intention in sending me selfies (one shirtless on a bed) especially at such an emotional time?

Would a 100% straight man really do these things?

Why did he change from calling his significant other his “girlfriend” but after I compliment his shirtless pic he says, “I have a wife you know that right.”

Was he trying to say, “It’s okay to send shirtless pics to a guy who is crushing on me because I’m married,” or?

How should I handle this?

What should I do?

What should I say?

Any other feedback, advice, or insight into what he is trying to do and if you think he is bi and likes me somehow would be really appreciated. I just want to know why he is doing this and I can’t read his mind.

I don’t know what’s going on, why he is doing this or what to do. Please help.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: madpsilo]
    #28295728 - 04/26/23 05:32 AM (8 months, 29 days ago)

I am a bisexual man with a girlfriend. My girlfriend knows. What he is doing to you is what I would do if I was a fuck and wanted to get a low key gay hook-up.

The reason I say he's a fuck is he because he's not being straight up about anything. He's not telling you what he wants, he's not telling you what having a wife means, he's not communicating. In reality he's probably a nice guy who is confused, and due to his lack of honesty with himself he's not honest with others (his wife, you). Unfortunately the world waits for no one, so he is actively hurting people by not being honest with himself. That's why he gets the label of a fuck.

You sound like a nice guy. And a sensitive guy too. You got to turn that sensitivity off and stick up for yourself man, and ask him what he wants and why he wants it. If he doesn't answer you straight up, block him and keep all conversations casual from then on. If he asks you if you have a crush on him, you can be honest and say yes, but the way he's handling the situation is a complete red flag and you're not interested in bi-curious men with wives who are not being honest. This is why you don't shit where you eat.

I hope things go well for you.


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Offlinekoods
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #28299587 - 04/29/23 05:15 AM (8 months, 26 days ago)

This guy wants to hook up but it’s gonna be dl and purely for sex. You’re gonna have to play a game with him for a bit if you’re interested. He wants to be a straight guy who might bang a dude from time to time. He’s gonna break your heart, most likely.


--------------------
NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Registered: 05/25/20
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: madpsilo]
    #28302162 - 05/01/23 12:19 PM (8 months, 24 days ago)

I just don't respond. And if I say anything I'll say I think it's inappropriate and I am not that girl.
I nip it in the bud fast.


--------------------
“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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InvisibleCreonAntigone
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Registered: 05/30/21
Posts: 2,875
Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: koods] * 1
    #28302265 - 05/01/23 01:43 PM (8 months, 24 days ago)

Quote:

koods said:
This guy wants to hook up but it’s gonna be dl and purely for sex. You’re gonna have to play a game with him for a bit if you’re interested. He wants to be a straight guy who might bang a dude from time to time. He’s gonna break your heart, most likely.




Trans people deal with this too, people who feel an unbelieveably strong addiction to seeking out sex with trans people, but could never be caught in public with one or even admit it.

People like this will deprive you of all possible love, acceptance and fulfillment in a relationship. They are truly addicted and don't even see people as people, just as forbidden fruit and a way to satisfy their desires.

Highly recommend completely avoiding - even if you want meaningless sex, these are the kind of people who won't respect your boundaries and will do the bare minimum for you. They are just addicts.


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Onlinerxb
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: CreonAntigone]
    #28302356 - 05/01/23 02:37 PM (8 months, 24 days ago)

he definately seems on the down low.

when im in that situation, im just blunt.... ¨let me know when she is at work then¨.

theres two ways that goes, neither of them bad.

but he will never be your boyfriend cuz he is lying to his girl.


--------------------
->$10 FLOW HOOD ALTERNATIVE <-

. i cleaned a mold contaminated live culture and saved it. (might have useful applications)

[quote]Enlil said:
I'd be the guy with thousands of minions doing my bidding and all of the hot women locked in a cage for my use.[/quote]


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Offlinekoods
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: rxb]
    #28363518 - 06/17/23 04:53 PM (7 months, 8 days ago)

We need an update and one of his shirtless selfies


--------------------
NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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OfflinePandaskis
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: koods] * 1
    #28371681 - 06/23/23 06:37 PM (7 months, 2 days ago)

From one gay man to another. Ditch this dude. You seem like a nice person with a good moral compass. I wouldn't indulge this kind of behaviour and let your loneliness pilot your actions. He could be using you to feel good about yourself, or he could be using you to indulge his own sexual desires, either way, it could be detrimental to your psyche. Its happened to me in the past, when I let my loneliness and desperation for human relations get the best of me, and it always ended in heart break. I straightened out my life, and instead of focusing on who I wanted in my life, i focused on how I can be the type of person who attracts the person I want in my life; thats really all you can control.

Now im happily married; things get better if you shift your focus onto changing rather than craving :smile:, and cut that kind of toxicity out of your life.


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OfflineSebastian66
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: madpsilo] * 1
    #28382137 - 07/02/23 06:51 AM (6 months, 24 days ago)

He’s not fulfilled by his wife. The spark is gone. You’re the new spark of excitement that he can easily explain away since you’re a dude and not another woman. Plus, cocky straight dudes often love the ego boost of being desired by other men, it’s like the quarterback being admired and adored by the rest of the team. He’s using you for compliments and flirtation energy and ego at the heavy cost of your emotional well-being. I agree with Panda, you’ve got a good moral compass and that’s why you’re feeling so confused by it all, because he doesn’t. He’d probably hook up with you if you wanted, but sounds like he’d just break your heart right after. Stop wasting energy down that vampiric energy pit - he’s married that means off the table. Spend that energy looking for a man who is worthy of your deep affection and sincerity. The unknown is harder than sticking with what’s comfortable and familiar, but it leads to happiness rather than heartbreak. Good luck man 🙂


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OfflineGlacia
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: Sebastian66]
    #28383153 - 07/03/23 02:55 AM (6 months, 23 days ago)

Quote:

Sebastian66 said:
He’s not fulfilled by his wife. The spark is gone. You’re the new spark of excitement that he can easily explain away since you’re a dude and not another woman. Plus, cocky straight dudes often love the ego boost of being desired by other men, it’s like the quarterback being admired and adored by the rest of the team. He’s using you for compliments and flirtation energy and ego at the heavy cost of your emotional well-being. I agree with Panda, you’ve got a good moral compass and that’s why you’re feeling so confused by it all, because he doesn’t. He’d probably hook up with you if you wanted, but sounds like he’d just break your heart right after. Stop wasting energy down that vampiric energy pit - he’s married that means off the table. Spend that energy looking for a man who is worthy of your deep affection and sincerity. The unknown is harder than sticking with what’s comfortable and familiar, but it leads to happiness rather than heartbreak. Good luck man 🙂




I fully agree with this.


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Invisiblemadpsilo
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Registered: 06/28/09
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: koods]
    #28437781 - 08/18/23 02:37 AM (5 months, 8 days ago)

Hi again, fellow Shroomerites, 

Sorry for the delay in an update—reading everyone’s comments made me remember how much I love this forum and how helpful it was to me in the past as well.  It was difficult to give an update because I really love this forum and it’s going to be hard to understand why I haven’t walked away from this relationship.  But it wouldn’t be right for me not to thank all of you and express my gratitude for trying to steer me in the right direction and understand what is going on. 

I also reread my post and I thought at times it sounds so trivial when it’s actually really affecting me so I appreciate everyone who took it seriously; took the time to reflect, write and offer some feedback on my post. 

Everyone who wrote on this thread has been so helpful on so many levels. I can’t thank everyone enough for offering your kind words and redirection.  I think all who replied are spot on in many ways.  I was taking everyone’s advice and applying it to these circumstances the past few months. 

I find shroomery.org and everyone that writes in to be more helpful than a counselor, honestly.

So thank you!

So it continues.

A couple things to clarify: We don’t work together anymore.  We had a lot of fun at work and that’s where my attraction developed.  I haven’t felt this way about any other coworker, and it's never been my intention to hook-up with coworkers.  But I don’t get out a lot. 

He actually left for a different job and that’s when he was asking for my contact information before he left and saying we should hang out as much as possible and could tell he was sad he was leaving.  So we don’t work together anymore.   

We talked about the reason he wanted to remain in contact after he quit.  He told me that he could just tell I had a “crush.”  I remember how incredibly flirtatious he was and whether it’s just brain chemistry or the fact I felt so alone at that time, we just clicked and I assumed he was straight so had no intentions of actually getting with him when I gave him my phone number.  My thought was that I would take a friendship over nothing.  So that’s when I gave him my number and accepted his Snapchat request.

This might not to be linear, but I’m going to try to pick up where we left off. 

He’s an extremely photogenic person and the snaps just kept on coming.  Every day he would show more and more of his body each time: pulling the blanket down little by little every day, then some more face snaps on top of that.  And then messaging me constantly. 

So eventually one day we were in person and I asked, “Why do you have to tell me she’s your wife when we are snapping but you just call her your girlfriend when we’re together?”

“She makes me call her wife so people know I’m taken.  But we’re not getting married anymore,” he said bitterly.  “I’m thinking about leaving her.”

One day I asked him when a really titillating selfie came in, “Hey, I have to ask.  What do you expect me to say to these, a guy who is probably in love with you?”

“Anything,” he says, adding a blue heart to the chat and then saving the message.

I said, “I just want to respect the fact you’re in a relationship and don’t know where you draw the line here.” 

“She knows I do this,” he said.

“And she actually approves of this?” I asked.

He said, “Yeah, but it's none of her business.” 

“Well, does she like me?” I asked, figuring there could be jealousy.

He said his girlfriend likes me a lot and I said, “Okay, good.”

The conversations kept getting more and more intimate.  We would talk on the phone and in person and that’s when would call her his girlfriend. This made me wonder if he was trying to put some barrier up between us or if it turned him on somehow.  Or if he was struggling with his sexuality and who he liked.  I wasn’t sure but it just added to the confusion.

I was talking to a mutual friend at work who he was also really good friends with.  Probably even better friends than with me, (I thought).  I was asking this mutual friend if he was on Snapchat with him and if he had added him on Snapchat to see if he has some kind of intentions with me that he doesn’t have with his other friends.  I found out that he does not have this mutual friend/coworker on Snapchat yet he was adamant about me being best friends with him on Snapchat.

The selfies and compliments continued and often times I would say something sexually complimentary, and he would send more and more.  Eventually I started hearting more of his pictures and putting butterflies by them then putting fires by them.  Then he would send more and more and I’d screenshoot them as usual.  At this point, I still haven’t sent him anything.

He would also constantly say, “I’m bored” (which I later learned is a euphemism for “I’m horny” in the Snapchat world. He would say this a lot. 

One day, a flood of shirtless Snaps came in and one with his mouth wide open which I put an emoji, an emoji you only use if you really like someone and want to hook up. 

“She works from 8am – 4pm every day,” he said.  “Wanna party?”

All of sudden this picture came in of him on their bed and shirtless and it said, “I’m waiting on you.” 

In May, he, his girlfriend and I all went up to my cabin up north, ate mush and I got to know his girlfriend really well.  (As awkward as things could be at points), she was fun to hang out with and a really kind person with a good heart.  But I kept thinking, “Wow.  She knows everything we’re doing in Snapchat.”  Little did I know, she didn’t know all of it. 

The funny thing is, he was so flirtatious in every text and just talks to me like his girlfriend.  Not that I don’t like that.  Like I said, I’ve never really had someone interested in me like this much; someone who I am really attracted to who ticks all the right boxes.

The fact that he freaks out when I don’t reply also got me wondering.  Kind of like a significant other would.  If I don't reply to him right away, he’d then sends me a barrage of texts.  Then a whole slew of Facebook messages will come in if I didn’t answer via text.  Then a ton of Snapchat messages if I didn’t answer on Facebook.  Sometimes I’d be in class, at work or sleeping, he’d be blowing up my phone wondering why I wasn’t responding.  “Why are you ignoring me?” and tons of other messages that sounded like he’s talking to his girlfriend.   

He started sounded unhappy in his relationship like @Sebastian66 said, the spark seemed depleted.   

One night he was telling me, “I’m out.  I’m done.  She won’t stop.  Come get me plz!” 

We started talking about living together off and on.  The inflation and the housing market here is astronomically high and I have thought about having someone else living here to take care of the other half of the bill.  That would put less financial strain on me by a lot so it is something we’ve talked about off and on.  But I don’t want him to end things with his girlfriend specifically for that reason, of course.  We talk about how much fun it be living together; eating shrooms and LSD and/or Molly together every month and nothing gets more exciting than that for me. 

He would be fighting with his girlfriend and say, “I want to live with you.  Come pick me up tomorrow.”  (And the same time he’s sending me all these salacious Snaps). 

Next week, the same thing would happen and he’d say, “I’m done with her.  Please come get me.”

I would tell him, “You can’t just leave her to be with me (even if I would adore that).  It just can’t be a hasty decision like that, at least.  She loves you so you should try to work things out.”

However, he would start making suggestive jokes about having sex or “messing around.”  One time I tried to see if he was really just toying with my emotions or if he was genuinely attracted to me sexually so I told him, “You say things sometimes to plant ideas in my head that there could be a chance for us.  Leading me on, more or less, when you know you’re in a relationship.”

That's when he sent his first nude selfie with a message saying, “I promise I’m not leading you on.” 

But he would keep texting me all the time and all those feelings I felt in the beginning would grow—like being nervous when he would talk to me, increased heart rate, sweaty palms, dilated pupils, loss of words—yup, I figured I was falling in love with him. 

One day, he started saying on Snapchat, “I’m bored.  Wish I had something to do.”  *sends multiple shirtless bed photos*

I thought all the face snaps were obviously okay but then he sent a picture of himself kneeling by their bed in their apartment with sheets pulled up a certain way. 

“I have the whole place to myself tonight.  Wish you were here,” he said written in a selfie of him on his bed. 

This is where I started to worry I might be crossing the line but he assured me his girlfriend said we could do anything on Snapchat and I wondered if this could really just be fantasy.

He was the instigator and would wake up in the morning, and the first thing he’d be doing is sending Snaps.

And saying, “I’m bored” means needing sex on Snapchat, I later learned. 

I would tell him, “I’m glad you get bored a lot, lol.”

He goes, “Why aren’t you bored?”

I then sent him one of my favorite pictures.

Then he says, “I wish I had something to do.  Send me something.”

I was carefully treading and making sure I didn’t cross the line (although he didn’t explain where the line even was).

But I said, “What do you mean?”  I was confused because at the same time we would send pictures of our pets, nature, food, random objects (not just body parts).

“Nice!  I wish I had something to do,” he says.

“Like what?” I asked.

“Anything,” he replied.

Then he sent a camera in a message on Snapchat.  It’s one of those where the message has a camera icon and if you click it, it opens to take a picture of the person that received the message.  So he was asking for a picture.

Then he keeps asking me, “What are you doing?” and becomes even more chatty after he sends me pictures.  He always asks me what I’m doing when he sends me his selfies. 

At this point, I hadn’t seen any more than one nude he took in the bathroom mirror. 

I didn’t know what to do exactly because I was thinking the whole time about how he had a girlfriend and whether or not I could even believe him that she okayed this.  Part of me wanted to give her a call since we vacationed together and she had texted me before, I had considered calling her and asking, but I was afraid of making things uncomfortable for her. 

She had texted me this one time after the cabin, wondering ff he was with me and, “Do you know if he will be home tonight?” 

I read this text to him. 

“She’s going to think we’re sleeping together!” he said, kind of laughing.

“Well, I would too,” I said. 

I texted her asking if she wanted to come drop acid with us to make sure she didn’t feel like “left out”. 

She said, “No, I’m on antidepressants right now but maybe some other time.  You guys have fun.” 

I said, “Alright, yeah, I have depression too so I understand.”

I later offered him to tell her that nothing is happening between us besides Snapchat but he declined.

If I was a girl and my boyfriend was sending suggestive selfies to a gay guy then hanging out at the same time, I would be completely weirded-out, possibly even mortified.  Maybe even jealous.

The next day after tripping, he sends me a message with a little camera in it that opens up to take a selfie of me.

So I just asked, “What do you want me to do with that?”

“Send me something!” he said.

“Something like what?” I asked.

He goes, “Anything!”

I was nervous, set my phone down and didn’t look at it for an hour, trying to figure out if this is okay because we’re on Snapchat or is this not okay even if we aren’t getting physical.  I’m not experienced with relationships and boundaries like most people.  I was thinking carefully about what to do or say with everyone’s posts here in mind but also the fact I was in love with him was blurring boundaries. 

Anyways, I was all sweaty and nervous but came back to my phone and opened the camera.

That’s when our snapchats turned X-rated and he sent me a video and a bunch of nudes and another camera which I used this time. 

This obviously got my heart racing thinking “is he really interested in me?",  “Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants?”,  “Maybe he will amicably split with his girlfriend?”  “Maybe he’s just as confused as I am.”, etc. etc. 

And that’s basically how it all started.  We’re not just doing pics now, but we’re onto video chatting now too on Snapchat almost every day.  We’ve talked about having sex but I’ve told him the relationship needs to end first. The most that’s ever happened is when we took a nap together, came close to kissing. That’s all for now. 

He told me she was doing the same thing with some other guy.

I told him, “But that doesn’t make it okay for us.” 

“I know but she knows,” and I said, “Alright.”

One day, after a swarm of nudes came in on Snapchat.  I got a Facebook message from him that just said, “I love you.”  I wasn’t sure how to take it knowing he had a girlfriend but assumed he meant, “I love you as a friend.”

He has said he loves me several times over the past couple months. After complaining that his girlfriend doesn't think he's attractive anymore, he said, "I just have been thinking, here's this really sweet person who I love, who has his life on track, is a straight-A student, takes me out and takes me to cool places, but he's a guy." 

I said, "Yeah, so?"

"I can't tell my family or friends," he said and started to cry.  "They would never understand."

He was telling me constantly how he wanted to leave her and move in with me.

I then found out he has never been with a guy before and told me he wants it to be a secret for now and he told me, “I’ve never been with a guy before.  But there's something about you that I love." 

Well, I honestly believe they’re going to break up and that we could end up together *someday*.  I just don’t want him to break her heart.  I can tell she really loves him. 

So far, we’ve done just about everything you can do over wireless technology. 

I try talking to him about where I stand and because it’s important that I know so we’re on the same level.  But he does seem confused.  Again, I think they probably will break up.  It’s just a matter of time, I think. 

One day, I woke up and I hadn’t heard from him which is unusual because usually I wake up every morning and he was sent me messages and snaps.  But instead, I got a message and friend request from his girlfriend on Facebook.  I accepted it and she messaged me right away saying, “I need to talk to you as soon as possible.  Can you call me?”

My heart literally stopped thinking, “She must have found out about something.  Oh, fuck.”

So I called her nervously and she answered and didn’t really sound upset.  At this point, we had spent two days together with her boyfriend in my cabin up north and met on three other occasions.  Again, she’s really nice and I like her a lot. 

But anyways, she said, “He’s in the hospital.” 

I found out that while he was working, a scaffold came down and completed impaled half of his nose, shattering his apex completely.  I heard it was a bloody mess.  He just finished surgery for it and there’s now a scar on his face but that doesn’t change anything for me.  I think it’s cute. 

So I hadn’t talked to her since we went to the cabin so things were fairly awkward, but she seemed happy to talk to me.  I got the impression that she was finding some kind of support in me because she saw him as so close with me and was missing him.   

After a bit of catching up, I asked her some questions I’ve been wondering and wanted to clear the air. 

I said, “So I guess this a good time to talk to you about this.  Are you really okay with the whole pics and videos thing?”

She goes, “Yes and no.  I mean, it’s your guys’s business.  But it also puts a strain on our relationship because when I ask him to send me a dick pic, he doesn’t want to.  But then when you ask, he’s like ‘ON IT!’” 

Which was confusing because usually it’s the other way around.  That gave me the impression that she may not know how mutual our relationship/friendship has been.

I was like wow, this girl is super understanding.  But I told her, “Alright, we won’t do it anymore if you’re not 100% comfortable with it.”

“No, that’s okay, you guys can.  But can I ask you something?” she asked. 

I was like, “Sure.”

“And please be honest,” she says.

My heart started racing and I was like, “Okay.”

She asked, “Do you or did you love him like in love?”

I told her the truth saying, “Yeah, I probably am but I have no intentions of stealing him from you.  I fully understand he’s yours.”

“And did you tell him that?” she asked.

“Tell him what?” I asked.

“That you’re in love with him,” she replied.

I said, “Yeah, I did but he would always say it first.”

“And did he say anything about him loving you more than friends?” she asked.

“Not in those precise words.  But yeah,” I said.

“Okay, so has he ever said ‘I love you’ to you?  Please be honest,” she says.

So I said, “Yes, several times.”

“Did he say how much he loved me?” she asked.

She seemed like such a sweet girl and I knew she loved him to death.  I didn’t want to break her heart. 

I didn’t know if she was trying to ascertain if he was playing her, playing both of us or maybe she was wondering if her boyfriend really is interested in me.  I can’t see with how much time he spent interacting with me on Snapchat/Facebook/Text when we aren’t together how he could possibly be giving his girlfriend the same amount of attention.  My conscience was really bothering me anyways after all the things we had done on Snapchat; especially all the things we’ve said to each other.  Sometimes people get caught up in the moment.  My opinion was that we crossed the line and things got out of hand.

I didn’t want her heart to get broken.

So I said, “Yeah, he said he loved you a lot.”

She asked, “Then though?”

I just told her I couldn’t really remember all that much from those moments but just reassured her, “He loves you.” 

Trying to reassure her again and told her again, “Nothing has ever happened physically between us.  Besides hugs.”

I couldn’t tell her about how often he said he was considering leaving her and moving in with me (which sounds like leaving her for me). 

But she told me, “I’ve felt like we are just roommates lately.”

So that’s basically where we are at.  It’s better than where I was when I first posted this. His confusion made me confused and because he was not being honest himself, he was tiptoeing around a sexual relationship with me trying to get a feel for how comfortable he is.  I think he feels a lot better coming to terms with his sexuality.  It was a very chance meeting I think and I can’t just leave him. 

I keep my options open but I can’t see myself liking someone else the way I do him. 

I feel like I’ve been waiting for him my whole life.  I just think there could be a future for us.  I just think we have something special right now. I don’t know.  We’ll have to see where this goes. 

I can see us being together someday and I can’t just blow him off cold.  He would just find a way to get a hold of me.  He makes me feel special and I don’t want to lose that.  :frown:

Thanks again, koods, loladoreen, CreonAntigone, rxb, Pandaskis, Sebastian66, and Glacia.  This was more helpful than seeing a counselor or therapist.


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Offlinekoods
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: madpsilo]
    #28437885 - 08/18/23 07:02 AM (5 months, 8 days ago)

Omg. It does seem like he’s really into you but he’s afraid of what that means. I do think that this level of sexual tension is unsustainable. He’s got to figure out what he really wants:


--------------------
NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”


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OfflinePandaskis
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: koods]
    #28438284 - 08/18/23 02:59 PM (5 months, 8 days ago)

Red flags all over the place. Dude is a chaotic nightmare, ditch him


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Invisiblemadpsilo
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: Pandaskis]
    #28438807 - 08/19/23 01:58 AM (5 months, 7 days ago)

I hear what you're saying
Quote:

Pandaskis said:
Red flags all over the place. Dude is a chaotic nightmare, ditch him





I hear you.  Sometimes I feel like my life is a chaotic nightmare too though. 

Maybe then it's a good thing I'm not his boyfriend because that means we can just have something on the side.

I'm kind of love with him right now and if I blew him off, it wouldn't get him off my mind. I think it would just hurt more.

It's just rare for this to happen to me. But I doubt he'll ever be able to live without a female in his life.

It's tragic because I can't see ever being with anyone else.


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Invisiblemadpsilo
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: koods]
    #28438808 - 08/19/23 02:13 AM (5 months, 7 days ago)

Quote:

koods said:
Omg. It does seem like he’s really into you but he’s afraid of what that means. I do think that this level of sexual tension is unsustainable. He’s got to figure out what he really wants:




Yes, having someone who I like who is actually into me is one the reasons I can't let him go. He could be pansexual or just has some kind of emotional attraction to me.  I just feel like we were meant to meet. Sexual attraction is definitely fluid and can cross boundaries or evolve over time to another gender.  It seems like this is what is happening to him.  I know it's not really healthy or sustainable but I feel like it could get better.


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OfflinePandaskis
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: madpsilo]
    #28438891 - 08/19/23 06:05 AM (5 months, 7 days ago)

Quote:

madpsilo said:
I hear what you're saying
Quote:

Pandaskis said:
Red flags all over the place. Dude is a chaotic nightmare, ditch him





I hear you.  Sometimes I feel like my life is a chaotic nightmare too though. 

Maybe then it's a good thing I'm not his boyfriend because that means we can just have something on the side.

I'm kind of love with him right now and if I blew him off, it wouldn't get him off my mind. I think it would just hurt more.

It's just rare for this to happen to me. But I doubt he'll ever be able to live without a female in his life.

It's tragic because I can't see ever being with anyone else.




Dude youre gonna get absolutely obliterated emotionally. This dude doesnt care about you; think about the implications of what being in love with someone "on the side" means... Is that really all youre worth?

I get the desperation, but please trust me, the amount of emotional damage this shit can do will require YEARS of healing. Its not worth it.


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Invisiblemadpsilo
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: Pandaskis]
    #28440089 - 08/20/23 03:24 AM (5 months, 6 days ago)

Quote:

Pandaskis said:
Quote:

madpsilo said:
I hear what you're saying
Quote:

Pandaskis said:
Red flags all over the place. Dude is a chaotic nightmare, ditch him





I hear you.  Sometimes I feel like my life is a chaotic nightmare too though. 

Maybe then it's a good thing I'm not his boyfriend because that means we can just have something on the side.

I'm kind of love with him right now and if I blew him off, it wouldn't get him off my mind. I think it would just hurt more.

It's just rare for this to happen to me. But I doubt he'll ever be able to live without a female in his life.

It's tragic because I can't see ever being with anyone else.




Dude youre gonna get absolutely obliterated emotionally. This dude doesnt care about you; think about the implications of what being in love with someone "on the side" means... Is that really all youre worth?

I get the desperation, but please trust me, the amount of emotional damage this shit can do will require YEARS of healing. Its not worth it.




I can't find anyone else. No one that I feel for the way I do him.  I grew up in a homophobic close-minded community where you never talked about being gay, then I've tried for years—Tinder,Grinder,Scruff—all those overrated dating apps never work.  You go to a gay bar, you meet an alcoholic.  The gay life sucks.  The years of healing, it would take that no matter if I leave him behind or stay.

I tend to compare him to Ennis in Brokeback Mountain.  He was seeing women, he identified as straight, he met through work—yet he had a secret relationship with Jack "on the side" that was special, unique and they loved each other.  The only difference is, his girlfriend allows us to mess around on Snapchat/Facebook probably just because I'm a guy.

That night where we ate mush, I was feeling magic between us that I've never felt before. Why would he get emotional talking about his feelings for me if he didn't care?  When he says he loves me, to the point his girlfriend is questioning me about how close we are, that wouldn't happen unless there was a part of me inside of him that he doesn't want to let go. 

I know it makes it seem like finding solace and advice here redundant, but I really do take home the advice and support in what you and others have wrote without here without judging and think about it. 

I would be devastated if I lost him either way.  It seems everyone ends up with the love of their life besides me.

I will update again sometime soon.


Edited by madpsilo (08/20/23 03:31 AM)


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Invisiblemadpsilo
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28440099 - 08/20/23 03:59 AM (5 months, 6 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I am a bisexual man with a girlfriend. My girlfriend knows. What he is doing to you is what I would do if I was a fuck and wanted to get a low key gay hook-up.

The reason I say he's a fuck is he because he's not being straight up about anything. He's not telling you what he wants, he's not telling you what having a wife means, he's not communicating. In reality he's probably a nice guy who is confused, and due to his lack of honesty with himself he's not honest with others (his wife, you). Unfortunately the world waits for no one, so he is actively hurting people by not being honest with himself. That's why he gets the label of a fuck.

You sound like a nice guy. And a sensitive guy too. You got to turn that sensitivity off and stick up for yourself man, and ask him what he wants and why he wants it. If he doesn't answer you straight up, block him and keep all conversations casual from then on. If he asks you if you have a crush on him, you can be honest and say yes, but the way he's handling the situation is a complete red flag and you're not interested in bi-curious men with wives who are not being honest. This is why you don't shit where you eat.

I hope things go well for you.




This was a very insightful, helpful post.  Thank you so much.  And I will definitely work on turning the sensitivity off.  Thanks again.


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OfflinePandaskis
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: madpsilo] * 1
    #28440116 - 08/20/23 04:48 AM (5 months, 6 days ago)

You know, you sound like past me so much it actually hurts. Youve let what you perceive as love totally cloud your judgement. This is not love, its desperation, loneliness and lust, its settling for far less than what you're worth, and its prolonged selfharm, id suggest getting into therapy; but you do you.


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OfflineSebastian66
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Re: Need advice & input why a guy I loved is sending me shirtless selfies on Snapchat when he has a girlfriend. [Re: Pandaskis]
    #28514494 - 10/22/23 05:35 PM (3 months, 5 days ago)

I have to agree with Panda on this. We’ve all been there. We’ve all thought “no it’s ok it’s just complicated” and rationalized it in our young naive brains instead of listening to our wide elders. Get our hearts broken, then hate ourselves for being so dumb.

Bro he’s too weak to leave his girl even though he’s emotionally checked out from her. Doesn’t love her, not truly, not the way he does you, and yet he doesn’t have the balls to end it and walk away, and tries to blame it on the “oh it’s not my fault it’s the homophobia in society” nonsense that may have flown in 1823 but not 2023. No. He’s taking advantage of your naive mind and low self esteem to be his fun side piece while he hides comfortably behind his straight passing female beard.

I’m sorry you fell so hard for someone like this. You’ll look back in 5 years and kick yourself. But we all know how it feels. We’ve all had dumb love when we were young and inexperienced, and sadly too many sweet loving guys like you get taken advantage of and ravaged by wolves.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Best case scenario is he grows some balls and commits to you. Please don’t degrade yourself to being a weak man’s mistress as your first meaningful relationship.


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