Hi everyone I thought I'd give a trip report a go. I really only just remembered what I had gone thru the day after the trip. I I'm only going to go into the last part where it got uncomfortable
Towards the end of a my 1.5g subs trip (first time on psychedelics without SSRIs), I was lying in bed and I think I fell asleep.
What I thought about was that "what if I have made an unfixable mistake by taking this mushrooms". Then I thought that I am something of a martyr, doomed to feel all feelings everyone has ever had, good or bad, in my life, in a nonlinear fashion, and am unable to control the situations. Within this I would also retain my sense of self, knowing that I have made this happen to me by choosing to eat the mushrooms. I was feeling the most immense fear at this point. I thought of my sister, sitting next to me in a hospital bed while I experienced eternal suffering, knowing that I had made this decision myself.
I could feel pulling on my skin and mild feelings of things touching me. I could hear the possums in our roof going nuts and running as clear as day. I actually have a lot of anxiety regarding them and they scare me. I could hear a train go past like it was right next to me. All of these things invoked fear in me.
I kept thinking to myself as I was coming down "no you just tripping and you will be ok. But then I thought "the decision is made and you can't get out of it". And I said to myself if I can just get up and go back to my day and sit with my bf my sitter then I can sober up. But the lasting thoughts was always that I can go back to my day to day, but I'm always detached from my original life, sitting in bed with my sister next to me, that I will never be able to talk to the real her again or anyone else, and sitting with my bf would just mean that I'm talking to a ghost. And also, if I went back to my life I would always be just waiting for th moment for my mind to shoot me to another world and make me feel ye pain of others.
I knew that if I could just ground myself in reality I would be OK and I would not be stuck as the martyr. But it took me what felt like an hour to finally start sobering up and be able to know what I was choosing to do was indeed my choice. I had the most immense relief from this. On a side note but just as important I realised that it was my bf who is grounding me in life too.
What I learnt I have been doing CBT for anxiety and depression and the theory is that you can ground yourself by acknowledging that your thoughts are just that, and they do not need to dictate your feelings I realised in this trip that I AM in control of myself. I am stronger than I think and I can get myself out of spirals.
Again, I also realised that when it's too much for me to ground myself, my boyfriend can do it too.
Thanks for reading.
|