Some background:
Last year i went to a festival met a few nice woman who i befriended. One in particular that i have love for and enjoying chatting to, i keep boundaries there but have told her i really value her friendship and have love for her, for me saying I love you is kept for immediate family and partners. I told her in the very beginning i have a partner but enjoyed hanging out for a few days and have remained good friends since. I made the mistake of omitting my partner from our chats, i do consider her my friend though and this pissed off my sig. other to no end. To the breaking point actually but i apologized and explained it for what it was (I was at the same party but made significant choices that resulted in me not being unfaithful apart from a kiss on the cheek). She accepts this and we move forward
so enter the current scenario: we move to another country, she works away about 1.5 drive. I said she will probably meet people who she likes and she did, but be honest about it. She met a guy she really wanted me to meet. Then she asked if she could hangout and play music with him. I swallowed my ego and reluctantly said yes just say when where and let me know when your back.
during the next two weeks her behavior was amiss, treating me poorly, quite defensive and distant. On two seperate fridays she said she was too tired to drive to mine to hang out for the weekend, she would go straight to bed and she loves me see you in the morning yada yada. Then she stays a sunday night with me and goes back to her wee town on monday. Goodnight love you yadayada. I ask her specifically during this time whether she has seen this guy and no, no, no.
So this last weekend she leaves back to her town where she works a job that i encouraged her to take to build her self confidence and esteem back. We knew it would not be easy but i encouraged her to take the job. Enter the lies: She leaves sunday night and leaves her email open on my computer. I have a feeling im being lied to already i can feel it and i see a google email saying 'See your favourite places'. Then the shitstorm. It says she has stayed three nights at this guys place, two fridays and a monday worknight. my heart feels torn to a thousand pieces...truckin sucks guys and girls.
I ring her and say where have you been staying, she takes ages to finally admit she stayed there. Shes says; I was trying to protect you, I knew you would react badly, this is what i needed, nothing happened, she slept on the other side of the house, i couldnt sleep at mine due to the flatmates noise. There was deference of blame back to my previous 'incident'. She says im being controlling by wanting a cool down period of two weeks where she avoids contact with the guy, She works with the guy.
Next weekend I meet the guy. Hes pretty nice, admits hes been a "muppet" for allowing her to stay despite knowing she hasnt told me. I said he was naieve and put himself in a predicament for sure. He also said nothing happened but said her behaviour was cold and shady toward me to say the least. After i tell her that he told his family and they said to steer clear of she was suprised. I told he that he said she was cold and shady too. He was willing to 'cut ties' but she wasnt. Now shes working with him remotely and has said she will respect boundaries as he has also said.
So herein lies the question: What would you do and have i behaved in a conscious and understanding or controlling manner? Should i stay or should i go no now...
Thank you for helpful insights, Legends
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Definitely weird. Maybe she developed feelings for him and he didn't?
Keep in mind that every advice given here should be taken with a grain of salt. We only know what you let us know and usually things like that are way more complex than they appear. Nevertheless it's always good to get input from others as it allows you to see things from a different angle.
How long have you two been together now? Did you have a feeling of routine creeping in before she met this guy? Or to put it differently do you think she was happy in the relationship before she met him?
I personally would sit down with her and have a long chat, before you make any decision. An honest,open conversation. Unpack everything and make sure to remain as calm as possible. I haven't done that and it basically killed my relationship. Communication is key and if you don't work on that you might reach a stage were it's just too late.
Edited by Anonymous (03/22/23 02:58 AM)
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And she a hoe.
Biggest mistake I ever made in life was trying to forgive a hoe for hoein around. Tried to make things work without any trust left and it shattered my already broken heart.
I'd 180 from that situation if I ever found myself in it again, self respect has to come first if you want any in life is my view.
Nowadays I'm single though and I do appreciate the affectionate cheeck clapping from time to time, and when jealousy comes to the table I can now more easily reconcile it with a love for my own independence.
And heck it took me 8 years to get to that point but it even made me more appreciative of my ex to be able to set aside my jealousy.
-------------------- I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.
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