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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
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a story about Todcasil
    #2826401 - 06/25/04 02:03 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

a short (not so short) part of my autobiography that i am writing.  feel free to tell me what you think, or not too.

also: this is its draft form, revisions and grammatical errors havnt even been looked at yet :wink:

peace
Casil


"About Blood"


I remember sitting at school, must have been 5th grade, with my back up against the brick wall, looking out into the playground.  I don?t remember what I was thinking, but it seemed pretty important for me to be hitting my head up against the wall.  I counted once for every dull thud I gave myself.  The number got into the nineties.

Two years before I was supposed to be picked up by my mother from that same school ground.  I remember being really excited about this, because I normally walked home, and living in a desert could make you unfriendly when you had to walk through it everyday. 

So the kids I walked with normally asked me to come along, but I smiled, ?no my moms coming to get me?, and watched them walk of talking about how much they couldn?t stand their teachers or maybe telling some dirty jokes they heard.  I waited until the campus was quiet, thinking it must be nice to ride home in an air-conditioned car.  I think I began to realize what was going on when I began to see the teachers start to leave. She never did come to get me.  So I walked home alone that afternoon, watching the cars to see if one of them was driven by mom, who must have forgotten I was late, and was very sorry.  I didn?t recognize any of them though.

I vaguely remember walking through the door of my Nanas house, and my mother not being there at all.  My aunt Lynnette was though, and she remembered my mom leaving to get me over an hour before, she figured we had stopped somewhere, to eat and spend some time.  I never found out where my mom went to that day, and I don?t think anybody who knows wants to tell me.

Because of situations like this I have a very hazy recollection of my mother, mostly built from scattered memories of her not fulfilling promises, or me just missing her, wondering where she was.  Sometimes I wonder if my memories are just a self defense mechanism I fabricated so I wouldn?t go crazier than I already was. 

I do have some fond memories of mom though; ones I feel are real, because they exist inside me as dialogues between us.  I don?t really have a picture, just the words that passed between us, about how much she loved me, and how she wanted to have a sister for me to play with.  I actually remember the first time I made the switch from ?mommy? to ?mother? with her, and I remember her laughing at my independence, like she knew some kind of joke I didn?t get yet. 

My earliest photographic memories of her though would be her sleeping.  Actually I can?t really form a mental picture in my mind of her being awake, without referring to one of the pictures I have of her.  She loved to sleep.  Actually I think she just loved to take chemicals that kept her awake? and consequently had to sleep, or maybe they just made her unconscious straight away.  She was known for her love of uppers and downers, so I cant discount either in this reference. 

So needless to say, she couldn?t really take care of me given her need for? whatever it was she was needing. ? I even remember climbing out of a bathroom window and wondering around a complex of connected cheap Mexican housing, one day after she had passed out.  All the houses looked the same so I got lost very fast that day, though I wasn?t really planning on going home anyways, this was just a little better than being alone with someone who doesn?t wake up. Despite my very young age I never got frightened that I was lost forever, or that I was never going to see my nana or mother again.  Really just wondered when someone was going to come and find me.

So did she have some maternal instinct to take care of me at all?  She must have I suppose?  she attempted to take care of me while on some heavy drugs, and always vehemently defended her right as my mother when someone else would take over, which was usually her mother, my nana Sue.

Nana was protective of me? her five children are her failures, but she raised them to be that way, unknowingly, so she could feel good about herself.  Later on down the line it would be the source of all her misery, giving me a secondhand example of how karma affects you.    So I was considered by the whole family to be her sixth child, the small brownish one, in a family of blondes and peach toned skins.  I was special, they told me.  The special case that somehow, would remain untouched by most of the family business, which was sex, violence, and addiction.  Though in a lot of indirect ways, I sure did get a fare share of my birthright as a young child.

So, I was the one who was told so hard to succeed, but everyone knew would fail.  It was the secret thoughts of my family that I would somehow end up in their boat, in their tradition of money and loneliness, dolling out 20 bags & eight balls in exchange for wrinkled up bills and blowjobs.  It guess in that aspect i'm more successful than most of my blood.  But, I often wonder the real reasons I was saved from that lifestyle.  The hand of god never delivered me out of that darkness and no hero of mine rescued me either.  I normally give it to being an interesting combination of the random, and eventual occurrences that surrounded my adolescence and childhood.~


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


Edited by Todcasil (06/25/04 02:28 AM)


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OfflineLocus
Male

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Registered: 03/11/04
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Re: a story about Todcasil [Re: Todcasil]
    #2829878 - 06/26/04 06:32 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

You seem to have turned out better than the rest of your family, I hope so. Seems that you have it all figured out pretty well at least. Anyway, good writing man. You captured my attention well. :smile: :thumbup:


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
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Last seen: 2 years, 7 months
Re: a story about Todcasil [Re: Locus]
    #2830133 - 06/26/04 10:47 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

thanks, i appriciate that.

i just started writing about a week ago, and i find it very theraputic. it feels good to get things out of your head sometimes, so you can look at it objectivly.

peace


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
Loc: Crawling on the floor...
Last seen: 2 years, 7 months
Re: a story about Todcasil [Re: Todcasil]
    #3067531 - 08/30/04 02:04 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

"about first/last love"

i had first met her at my friend Amandas birthday party... i believe
she was just turning 16 that day, and her parents let her have everyone over.
there was the whole host of freaks, geeks, hooligans, and the odd few who didnt
want to fit into any of those monikers. i arrived with my girlfriend at the
time, Theresa, and we did some drinking... watched some people smoke pot, and
watched wizard of oz synched up to a good pink floyd album. yeah you know the
one.

so anyways, i met her there. Nicole. she happened to be my first
love, and interestingly enough, i knew it then, when we first looked into each
others eyes. how romantic... well fuck you, it was romantic. it always was
with her, no matter what happened. and it seemed that what did happen was
controled by fate.

i broke up with theresa later on that month. no, i didnt break up
with her for nicole, i broke up with her for amanda. ironicly enough, i just
thought amanda was hot, i knew her, and she lived 40 feet from me... so
naturally she was my first choice.

things didnt work out well as far as romance went... or sex... or
conversation... but there were many things that wouldnt have happened if i had
not tried to be with her. for instance, my first encounter with marijuana...
my very first hit of LSD... the very first time i took prescription medication
recreationally. these were all very important key bullets in the outline of
my teenage life, and i thank her for that. but those situations are all for
another story... or several depending on how i look at it.

so amanda, ashley, shelby and nicole are all "best" freinds. (the
reason the quotes are there is because if you know anything about how best
friends work for women in highschool, you know its an on and off situation).
regardless... i become on the best friends as well. we spent a lot of time
talking about scary stories, psychic phenomena, traumatic parents, our fears,
school... all the things teenagers talk about. through this i became really
close to all of them... especially amanda and ashley. shelby talked but never
listened, nicole listened but never talked.

this is where i tell you that nicole has a boyfriend... i honestly
cant remember his name, but thats probably because i never wanted to hear it in
the first place.n ill refer to him as essex77 i suppose (his screen name).
he was good to her, he was older, he liked comics and animals. but one day
he decided to break a date with her to red lobster, and she asked me if i would
go in leu of him... if i would be her date.

another key moment in my life. what was i doing here? was i trying to
be her boyfriend? no, i wasnt, i knew that... i was trying to be her lover.
i didnt want boyfriend status. i was the kind of guy who would be the husband
in her mind... married already, she would never want to leave me because i was
that good. i was better than he was.

so we went... the evening went wonderful, there were ants on our first
table and the waiter spilled my water on me. i remeber laughing and smiling
the whole time though. we both knew what was happening. we both knew that we
were falling in love, and there was nothing to be done about it, except
straighten so we could increase our velocity.

when we got back to my house we were tired from eating so much, so
once in my bedroom, it seemed like a perfectly acceptable thingfor us both to
lay down on the bed. i remember feeling warm all over. i remember my hand
underneath the pillow touching hers accidentally, but then realizing this
accident was beautiful. i touched her hand and her fingers like they were
a peice of art. and they were... they were soft and warm, delicate and smooth.
as she grasped my hand, and we kissed, all ceased to exist except us. in my
head i forgot what time was. i forgot what my life was all about. because i
now knew my life was about something else. it was about nicole.

i dont remember how long our kiss lasted, but i rememebr wanting more.
she had to leave to home though, and we parted sleepy eyed and full of shrimp
and love.

ive written just under a hundred songs about that night since then. all
wonderful variations of metaphor and vocabulary words describing what it is
like to discover true love. to be in love. to know that that love is never
ending. even now. i am married, in love again, have two children, have
despised her for her actions, tried to regain my footing, she has scolded me,
reviled me, told her friends im useless, worthless, and other callous words.
yet still, if i see her, that love never ends. true love never does fade.
i can feel it between us, and i can see her feel it as well.

love isnt a thing, or a feeling. it is a place you go. it is a place
youve been, and just when you think youll never go back, you realize that youve
never left it. you just imagined yourself somewhere else, but you are always
in love.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


Edited by Todcasil (08/30/04 02:08 AM)


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InvisibleKackleDude
transmundaneother

Registered: 06/11/02
Posts: 863
Loc: Close to the Edge, Down b...
Re: a story about Todcasil [Re: Todcasil]
    #3069415 - 08/30/04 03:57 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Excellent writing, my friend. very notable and apparent that it comes directly from the heart.


--------------------
yeeeahh, it's gonna be well wicked


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
Female User Gallery

Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
Loc: Crawling on the floor...
Last seen: 2 years, 7 months
Re: a story about Todcasil [Re: KackleDude]
    #3069596 - 08/30/04 04:35 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

thank you sir, i appriciate your comments :smile:

peace


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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