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Anonymous #1

Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please * 2
    #28226801 - 03/12/23 07:37 PM (10 months, 11 days ago)

Hi guys, I'm female and need some advice from a guys perspective..... this is only the tip of the iceberg and I'll try to keep it short.

There's a guy I was/am seeing, its debatable. He tells some people he has a girlfriend and others hes single.

We've known each other for 5 months and even though the friendship seemed very "Divinely" guided, things are complicated not just because of his young kids and ex-wife but just our issues from past relationship traumas.

Im having trouble distinguishing between my trauma and red flags with him. He tells me he doesn't know if he can trust me but won't tell me what I can do to help that. He seems hot and cold with me. And being intimate he has become more physically rough. He likes to joke about him getting waitresses numbers and the last serious relationship talk we had was about respecting each other and boundaries, which though he initiated, he is now reluctant to take time to work on.


When we first started talking he would get back to my texts and we'd talk over the phone...but now his life has become busier with work and custody changes so I'll be ignored for days at a time. Which I get but I also feel a guy will make time for things they truly value. He would also tell me I was perfect and comment about my appearance, and call me cute nicknames but now no nicknames and I feel all the things he physically liked about me he'll get bored with or find not as beautiful because he focuses on that rather than who I am inside...

However, I haven't been perfect in this relationship by all means. I don't know how to talk guy so I dont keep pushing him away and make him shutdown due to my insecure questions from past traumas being triggered or if these are real red flags....

Please help me to ask the right questions so I can get the truth, so we can either move forward to a healthier place or just end things so this doesn't become another painful relationship experience!


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Anonymous #2

Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28227012 - 03/12/23 10:15 PM (10 months, 11 days ago)

He having children and ex wife to be in their life for has me see that he picking up another to give time to be spreading self thin.

From experience, not all too much to this, yet, those ladies I’ve met with children and an ex are much too much occupied, or if not occupied with should be, occupied with that family life they bit distant from by saying ex-partner.

“Trauma and red flags,” if looking at that at all, why bother?

Is a loving relationship not of heart felt presence radiating wellness?

I single myself as see to find that of which imagine what life can be to be come the time.

Best wishes.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #28227027 - 03/12/23 10:29 PM (10 months, 11 days ago)

Thank you for the response.

Its true... I've never dated anyone with kids and an ex who must remain in their life because of those kids so that whole dynamic was new to experience. I don't have any kids myself. 

I'm not sure if I've ever had a healthy, fulfilling relationship, so red flags are what I'm programmed to see. I have come to realize I do need to think more positively, but my past traumas take over. I've heard relationships should he fun and fulfilling but that feels like a foreign concept.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28227035 - 03/12/23 10:39 PM (10 months, 11 days ago)

Two sides to see face of a coin, or not just the side no face at all.

Maybe one day another to come about and is aware of that nic you have, an eye for red flags and they to be cautious to eliminating vision of altogether.

Red flags? 

Sounds like something reflected to later when away from other and of issue at later moment than of when action. As seen to me lady, in moment of where a misconception presented itself it is then when expression to see eye to eye make sense to that distance, at best back heart to heart.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #28227080 - 03/12/23 11:27 PM (10 months, 11 days ago)

Thx


Edited by Anonymous (03/14/23 08:14 PM)


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #28227396 - 03/13/23 07:45 AM (10 months, 11 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

He tells some people he has a girlfriend and others he's single.

He tells me he doesn't know if he can trust me but won't tell me what I can do to help that.

. . . being intimate he has become more physically rough.

He likes to joke about him getting waitresses numbers

When we first started talking he would get back to my texts and we'd talk over the phone...now I'll be ignored for days at a time.




I'm a guy. I find all of these things quite concerning. Something rubs me wrong about him revealing to you he is hesitant to trust you but he won't talk about the issues at the root of that. Frankly, I'm not sure you should trust him at this point. It sounds like the fun honeymoon stage is over, and you are seeing him in a more honest light now.  This is how he is.  Unfortunately, men often treat courtship as a charade and later they show their true colors. 

Unless you've done something that would make him not trust you, his trust issues are his.  If he can't trust you due to past trauma or past relationship problems, that is his problem. He needs to own that, and it doesn't have anything to do with you.  In your gut you feel like something might be wrong. Trust your gut. I don't mean to be pessimistic. I'm trying to be realistic.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28227688 - 03/13/23 11:31 AM (10 months, 11 days ago)

Thank you RJ Tubs. You don't seem pessimistic, that make sense.


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InvisibleMr.GuessWork
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Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28227715 - 03/13/23 11:53 AM (10 months, 11 days ago)

I agree wholeheartedly with RJ Tubs. All those things are red flags, and I think it's completely fair for you to push the issues you talked about. If you don't feel respected, then it's worth taking some risks to make sure you either get that fixed or discover the unhappy truth and get out of the relationship before you get more invested in a bad deal. Personally, I wouldn't settle for any middle ground. Lots of what you're describing sounds disrespectful and borderline abusive. He can't legitimately blame that on distrust. It sounds like he's using the explanation of distrust, along with some other BS tactics like blowing you off or trying to make you jealous, to sidestep dealing with real problems. That's horseshit and it deserves to be recognized as horseshit.

I'm also a dude BTW. Might be worth wondering what the ex-wife has to complain about. Like anon2 said, there are 2 sides to every coin.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Mr.GuessWork]
    #28227986 - 03/13/23 02:59 PM (10 months, 10 days ago)

Thank you for the advice, Mr.GuessWork. It helps me feel not as crazy for questioning his actions.

I know that he can't be innocent in the destruction of his relationship with his ex-wife. I'm just very familiar with the abuse he's experienced from her and know how that can mess with ones mind.

But anyways, he told me last night that he's single and pointed out a time I called him my friend instead of boyfriend. So the misunderstandings and mistrust just kept going round and round it feels so childish. Hopefully we both can become healthier people apart, who knows what the future holds.


Edited by Anonymous (03/13/23 04:55 PM)


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OfflineWhoManBeing
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Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28228535 - 03/13/23 09:55 PM (10 months, 10 days ago)

Yes, please, do see to make well being to self, and to share with others.


--------------------
Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!!

Eye was thinking the other day...  ahh, thinking never done me no good.



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InvisiblefeeversM
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Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: WhoManBeing] * 1
    #28228847 - 03/14/23 03:52 AM (10 months, 10 days ago)

In my experience, if someone is playing these kind of games at the start when things are still fresh, it only gets much worse with time. It also sounds like with the trust stuff he may be projecting his own actions onto you.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: feevers]
    #28229129 - 03/14/23 09:43 AM (10 months, 10 days ago)

Thank you so much, guys!

Your input has been really helpful for me to see it from a healthier perspective; that I'm not being overly senstive because of past experiences.


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Offlineblackhawk
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Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28229797 - 03/14/23 05:26 PM (10 months, 9 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
There's a guy I was/am seeing, its debatable. He tells some people he has a girlfriend and others hes single.




Just save yourself the trouble and leave lol. This is as far as I got to make that decision


--------------------


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Offlinerandom4932
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Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: blackhawk]
    #28256273 - 03/31/23 01:59 PM (9 months, 24 days ago)

If he says he cannot trust you, that is enough to drop him like a hot rock.  People who do that a projecting their insecurities and ultimately telling you they are not to be trusted.

The one thing you need to keep in mind is, since you mentioned your trauma, you need to remember your insecurities will have a direct affect on the relationship.  Insecurities you have will show in the way you treat your partner and they will pick up on it.  Ultimately that will undermine your relationship.

If you are able to be open about your insecurities you have a chance of having a stable relationship.  If you are able to do that and you feel something is off or you feel he is gaslighting you or there are trust issues, it is time to call it off.


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OfflineAbombs
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Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: random4932]
    #28256666 - 03/31/23 06:17 PM (9 months, 23 days ago)

I wish I had of left when I saw the red flags. But I was too insecure.

Wanted to leave a couple months before my second was conceived. But pregnancy kept her from drinking so I forgot how bad it was.

If your noticing things now then make a change because it will only get harder to leave. Think it's a hard decision now? Wait till you have more time a house a couple kids. Certainly doesn't get easier.

And antidepressants just make you feel content with living with the bulshit
Rawr! 🤬🤬🤬


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Abombs]
    #28256678 - 03/31/23 06:23 PM (9 months, 23 days ago)

Quote:

Abombs said:

And antidepressants just make you feel content with living with the bulshit
Rawr! 🤬🤬🤬




I've never considered antidepressants might make one tolerant of a bad situation they would otherwise not tolerate. 

Interesting . . .


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OfflineAbombs
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Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28256724 - 03/31/23 07:01 PM (9 months, 23 days ago)

Yeah. Alot of people are down about there situation. And would rather feel better than fix the problem. So doctor will gladly prescribe.

I'm really hung up lately on the time wasted. And the mental state the marriage left me in. I'm not the same person that went into the marriage. A shadow of my former self.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28262866 - 04/04/23 09:39 PM (9 months, 19 days ago)

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:

Abombs said:

And antidepressants just make you feel content with living with the bulshit
Rawr! 🤬🤬🤬




I've never considered antidepressants might make one tolerant of a bad situation they would otherwise not tolerate. 

Interesting . . .




Right!?! Wow. :frown:


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Anonymous #1

Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28262868 - 04/04/23 09:42 PM (9 months, 19 days ago)

Thank you everyone for your input! It was truly all very helpful.

The relationship is over and though I still care for him, I can now see this is for the best... unfortunately :sadyes:


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OfflineAbombs
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Re: Is this relationship a red flag? Advice please [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28263027 - 04/05/23 04:40 AM (9 months, 19 days ago)

Hard decision for sure. Sounds like you made the right one.


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