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Blackbird33
Stranger

Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 761
Last seen: 7 months, 23 days
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Hate my heart 1
#28238805 - 03/20/23 09:00 PM (10 months, 3 days ago) |
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My self-hatred is so strong every morning I open my eyes i just feel despair. My existence is an utter waste of humanity. I look in the mirror and see a failure who most likely die alone covered in my feces
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split_by_nine
i am the liquor

Registered: 07/11/18
Posts: 21,288
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have you tried cannabis?
-------------------- đ´ hpoo or die
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WhoManBeing
PsychedelicYogi



Registered: 09/01/13
Posts: 3,773
Loc: Oregon
Last seen: 2 days, 21 hours
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Quit verbalizing and giving into belittling yourself. You start to turn around and see to better vision and things will be more concrete there. You polishing these words only make them more attractive to speak of.
-------------------- Hip, hip... WhoRAy!!! Eye was thinking the other day... ahh, thinking never done me no good.
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Dr. Funtime
Wipes Sideways

Registered: 02/04/13
Posts: 134
Last seen: 5 days, 16 hours
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If you wear diapers you can control the feces at least. That is a good first step probably.
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Lost at Sea
Time Traveler


Registered: 03/06/23
Posts: 52
Loc: TBD
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Oh I've been there man, it's very dark,hopeless and heavy place. I am so thankful to have found God's endless Love in Jesus to help me through that consuming darkness.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing with us, you are valuable to this world whether you are able to see it or not.
Life doesn't define us but shapes us into who we are for good or bad. We are defined by the Creator who has made all the seen and unseen worlds. Each created entity has a purpose for its existence and is valued... humanity included.
Its going to be tough crawling out of this on your own. Talk to someone you are close to and trust. Share the heaviness on your heart, don't carry it alone.
You can PM me if you'd like.
Some practical things when you're ready:
Simply comfort yourself. Take a hot shower, go sit in the woods, take a nap, get a massage, drink water, eat something healthy... your physical body is probably so neglected right now.
Then...
-Try identifying what exactly you hate about yourself
-Then, determine any unmet needs or desires and reasons why you came to believe that
-See what is true and what may not be.
You aren't alone in how you feel. It seems hopeless right now but you got this! Things can get better.
Sending good vibes 
-------------------- ...Rome wasn't built in a day, but burning it down only took a few...
 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
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Lost at Sea
Time Traveler


Registered: 03/06/23
Posts: 52
Loc: TBD
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And if that doesn't work get a dog 
-------------------- ...Rome wasn't built in a day, but burning it down only took a few...
 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
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RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,010
Loc: USA
Last seen: 1 day, 5 hours
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Self-loathing is a very common form of suffering. I've struggled with it my whole life. I've read some helpful books on the subject.
Unfortunately, it won't' go away with exercise, healthy eating, or getting a puppy. You have to launch a strategic counterattack. Having a daily gratitude practice is one way to start. It's hard to feel hatred for yourself when you acknowledge what you are grateful for.
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Blackbird33
Stranger

Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 761
Last seen: 7 months, 23 days
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Those feelings of despair hopelessness just never go away. And youâre right exercise, hobbies, wonât heal a dark soul that just wants to end it all
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split_by_nine
i am the liquor

Registered: 07/11/18
Posts: 21,288
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whens the last time you had some good sex?
-------------------- đ´ hpoo or die
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Lost at Sea
Time Traveler


Registered: 03/06/23
Posts: 52
Loc: TBD
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I know... the puppy suggestion was to lighten things a little. Though having mine does force me to get up to care for her and take the focus off of myself.
Eating something good wont take the darkness away but being dehydrated and having malnutrition (which I've been both) will add to the hopelessness of a struggling soul.
Vitamin D and B's can help with mood. As well as probiotics for your gut. Just making those additons wont take the feelings away but can help bring a little mind clarity so you're one step closer to getting out of the depression.
The mind and body are one
-------------------- ...Rome wasn't built in a day, but burning it down only took a few...
 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."
Edited by Lost at Sea (03/21/23 06:31 PM)
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cubedryeguy
Stranger


Registered: 07/24/15
Posts: 536
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Quote:
Blackbird33 said: Those feelings of despair hopelessness just never go away. And youâre right exercise, hobbies, wonât heal a dark soul that just wants to end it all
Do the feelings start first and then the self destructive thought patterns or the other way around?
Try to be aware of yourself enough to catch it.
If itâs the thought patterns then there are ways of dealing with it that will soften that voice over time and inevitably lessen the bodies negative chemical dump of emotions.
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Anahata


Registered: 02/25/12
Posts: 2,399
Last seen: 1 day, 22 hours
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Anger turned inwards is an unconcurable enemy. ~Master Splinter
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loladoreen


Registered: 05/25/20
Posts: 5,327
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Quote:
Blackbird33 said: My self-hatred is so strong every morning I open my eyes i just feel despair. My existence is an utter waste of humanity. I look in the mirror and see a failure who most likely die alone covered in my feces
I really felt this when I read it. I think everyone has felt this way. And while in the feeling it feels like it will last forever and it is overwhelming. It is temporary, even if the feelings come back.. you get through it. Have you considered talking to someone while you get through this, I am a big supporter of therapy. I think it is wonderful. I am sad these are your feelings, but I am glad you are opening up. That is important. Keep talking.. dont stop talking
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âOne doesnât have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.â
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RJ Tubs 202



Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,010
Loc: USA
Last seen: 1 day, 5 hours
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It might seem bizarre, but some say self-hatred is egotistical behavior. That chronic self-hatred is kinda the flip side of the narcissism coin. It's all about me me me. That degrading oneself feeds the ego. Like depression, it is an incredibly self-centered activity. It's all about me me me
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DoneKildatReason
Chemical in the body


Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 1,061
Loc: Green Country
Last seen: 10 days, 16 hours
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OP, what do you feel could being happiness to you? Have you tried helping anyone else, maybe volunteering somewhere?
A secret trick I have when I'm feeling swamped and down is to realize that.... and this may be hard to believe sometimes, but you bet your ass its true.... that my life is someone else's dream life. Say that:
MY life, is someone, somewheres, DREAM LIFE. Maybe not my psyche or my emotions, but my circumstances, surroundings, etc. I bet for most of us here, it is True - Our Life, is SOMEONES dream life.
No amount of external ass kissing, pity, or sympathy will genuinely solve our sorrow. We have to be THANKFUL, because our life is somebody else's dream. They WISH and hope and DREAM for a life like yours and mine. Someone does, I bet you anything. So be grateful, and see if you can help someone somehow.
Hope for your best. Self loathing is tempting, but also, as RJ said above, quite a small centered thing. You got to get past it, sooner the better. Find something that gives you hope, and focus on it, and dont give up, and remember once again, someone wishes and cries for opportunities like you've got.
-------------------- This was an experiment.
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Blackbird33
Stranger

Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 761
Last seen: 7 months, 23 days
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Being dead feeling absolutely nothing leaving it all behind. The only reason why I donât end it is because it would inevitably hurt my family to know I made such a choice. If I had surefire way ti make it look like an accident I would have ended things a long time ago.
Edited by Blackbird33 (04/01/23 02:48 PM)
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