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Anonymous #1

3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye
    #28210587 - 03/02/23 05:52 AM (10 months, 22 days ago)

Been with my partner for 4 years. We've had a baby recently and we're not seeing eye to eye on how we will raise or child together.
What should I do as a father. Should I step back and trust her instinct and judgement?  Does a dad normally have sway in this situation?


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Anonymous #2

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28210628 - 03/02/23 06:32 AM (10 months, 22 days ago)

It's hard figuring out what problems with your partner you may be going through right now. A 3 month old baby is still mostly eating, pooping and sleeping. I am not sure what you mean by raising the child together. A man cannot breastfeed but surely can change diapers, help bathing the baby and carry it in his arms. You can be supportive of your wife in other ways too since the lack of sleep can be taxing on both parents. Close contact with the baby is important. Both parents can talk to the baby, read stories, play music or sing lullabies, play with the baby's hands, etc. It seems like we are missing some information here.


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Anonymous #3

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28210677 - 03/02/23 07:44 AM (10 months, 22 days ago)

You need to be more specific or nothing anyone says will carry any weight. If it's about stuff right now, at 3 months, just let her do her motherly shit(within reason). If you're talking in the future then there are a few ways to approach that. People change over time and people with their first baby tend to misjudge the scale of time versus their thoughts and desires. Whatever you're disagreeing upon needs to be examined as to how much it means to you. If it's that she won't make him finish his food but you want them to because it's a sign of respect, you can work on that. If she's like "I'm gonna raise this kid as a tranny" and you're like "nuh uh" then you need to do something drastic because you're not convincing her of how not to abuse a child. See how there's a bit of a spectrum here


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Anonymous #1

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #28212312 - 03/03/23 10:37 AM (10 months, 21 days ago)

Specifically I'm talking about sleep training and getting baby to settle and sleep alone. I think it is something we need to talk about and come up with a plan together to teach baby how to sleep.

My wife wants to nurse and hold baby to sleep and says it is cruel to leave baby alone because it makes baby cry and scares the baby to feel alone.

My thought is that if we let my daughter choose what she does and doesn't want to do from an early age, we will make a rod for our own back. If we let her choose everything, she won't be eating veggies, won't go to school, cake for breakfast. At some point we are parents and there should be a degree of tough love and teaching what is best.

My wife is a lovely woman and mother and has a lot of love to give so I tell her that I trust her and that her natural instinct will work in raising a child but on the other hand I want to make sure that we give baby every opportunity to learn life skills.

The disagreements are too often atm and I'm almost inclined to give up, keep my mouth shut and  go along for the ride but the thought of having a nightmare child that runs the house scares the shit out of me


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Anonymous #4

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28212363 - 03/03/23 11:18 AM (10 months, 21 days ago)

don't give it sugar and you should be fine. baseball books, and more boring


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Anonymous #2

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #28212636 - 03/03/23 03:07 PM (10 months, 21 days ago)

Some people will disagree with this but, you can't and shouldn't try to control your baby's sleep cycles. The baby will naturally begin sleeping on a schedule that is more adequate for you when the baby is ready. Sleep is an important component for brain development. Of course there are things you can do to help the baby follow a regular sleep schedule but this is not a matter of control. The baby eventually has to learn to sleep on her own but this won't happen overnight and can't be forced. If the baby has gotten accustomed to only sleep when being held she won't go to sleep by suddenly removing this part of the routine. However, there are alternatives to gradually weaning the baby from being held to sleep. Look up controlled crying. Letting the baby cry to exhaustion until falling asleep is definitely cruel. Allowing the baby to cry a little but with the intention to make it learn to become gradually comfortable to fall asleep on her own is a different story. What I'm trying to say is that helping the baby learn to sleep on her own is one thing.  Determining how much and when to sleep is a totally different issue, and potentially harmful too. Again, I am making lots of assumptions because I don't have the whole picture. There is plenty of advice on how to make a baby sleep through the night and almost all of that is BS. It is often said that by 3 months the baby should be sleeping almost through the night without feeding but this doesn't apply to all babies. My first child didn't sleep through the night until he was 15 months (which is when he began walking unassisted, yes he was late for that). My second child was better and by 3 months was sleeping 4 to 5 hours at night. It takes time, all babies are different but eventually all of them get there.

Regarding food, the baby will learn to eat what you give them from an early age. Whatever you eat at home, the baby will eat. And they quickly learn by example. If you eat healthy, the child will follow suit. If you expect them to go to school they will go to school. It is not a matter of letting the child choose but of setting examples and expectations.

Parenting can be hard and taxing on both parents and this can strain the relationship. Lack of sleep is a big part of it. It takes time and sometimes it seems like the baby will never learn to sleep on a schedule but eventually they all sleep through the night. If you and your wife don't take naps you may want to consider it. It will help a lot with your mood and it will help the baby have less stressed parents.


Edited by Anonymous (03/03/23 03:10 PM)


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Anonymous #5

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28212646 - 03/03/23 03:14 PM (10 months, 21 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Specifically I'm talking about sleep training and getting baby to settle and sleep alone. I think it is something we need to talk about and come up with a plan together to teach baby how to sleep.

My wife wants to nurse and hold baby to sleep and says it is cruel to leave baby alone because it makes baby cry and scares the baby to feel alone.

My thought is that if we let my daughter choose what she does and doesn't want to do from an early age, we will make a rod for our own back. If we let her choose everything, she won't be eating veggies, won't go to school, cake for breakfast. At some point we are parents and there should be a degree of tough love and teaching what is best.

My wife is a lovely woman and mother and has a lot of love to give so I tell her that I trust her and that her natural instinct will work in raising a child but on the other hand I want to make sure that we give baby every opportunity to learn life skills.

The disagreements are too often atm and I'm almost inclined to give up, keep my mouth shut and  go along for the ride but the thought of having a nightmare child that runs the house scares the shit out of me




You may need to speak to a professional trained in human development.
At three months old, the baby needs to be held, breastfed, etc.
You cannot spoil a baby with love.
Three months old is young... young
The goal is to teach the baby confidence,is the baby cries, you will come.
Skin to skin contact promotes brain development.
At 3 months.. you are exhausted. And also in love with your child.
No training.. not yet
Love love love love


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Anonymous #5

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #28212648 - 03/03/23 03:15 PM (10 months, 21 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #2 said:
Some people will disagree with this but, you can't and shouldn't try to control your baby's sleep cycles. The baby will naturally begin sleeping on a schedule that is more adequate for you when the baby is ready. Sleep is an important component for brain development. Of course there are things you can do to help the baby follow a regular sleep schedule but this is not a matter of control. The baby eventually has to learn to sleep on her own but this won't happen overnight and can't be forced. If the baby has gotten accustomed to only sleep when being held she won't go to sleep by suddenly removing this part of the routine. However, there are alternatives to gradually weaning the baby from being held to sleep. Look up controlled crying. Letting the baby cry to exhaustion until falling asleep is definitely cruel. Allowing the baby to cry a little but with the intention to make it learn to become gradually comfortable to fall asleep on her own is a different story. What I'm trying to say is that helping the baby learn to sleep on her own is one thing.  Determining how much and when to sleep is a totally different issue, and potentially harmful too. Again, I am making lots of assumptions because I don't have the whole picture. There is plenty of advice on how to make a baby sleep through the night and almost all of that is BS. It is often said that by 3 months the baby should be sleeping almost through the night without feeding but this doesn't apply to all babies. My first child didn't sleep through the night until he was 15 months (which is when he began walking unassisted, yes he was late for that). My second child was better and by 3 months was sleeping 4 to 5 hours at night. It takes time, all babies are different but eventually all of them get there.

Regarding food, the baby will learn to eat what you give them from an early age. Whatever you eat at home, the baby will eat. And they quickly learn by example. If you eat healthy, the child will follow suit. If you expect them to go to school they will go to school. It is not a matter of letting the child choose but of setting examples and expectations.

Parenting can be hard and taxing on both parents and this can strain the relationship. Lack of sleep is a big part of it. It takes time and sometimes it seems like the baby will never learn to sleep on a schedule but eventually they all sleep through the night. If you and your wife don't take naps you may want to consider it. It will help a lot with your mood and it will help the baby have less stressed parents.




good reply


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Anonymous #1

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #28212671 - 03/03/23 03:39 PM (10 months, 21 days ago)

Thanks for the replies. I need to stop thinking of the ramifications of things that haven't happened yet. I have always been worried about having spoiled children but after reading plenty of info everywhere, the one thing above all else that a baby needs is love and that you can't spoil a baby with love.

I will just enjoy her smiles and being able to hold her at this point in her life. Theres no need to stress the family further by putting unneeded pressure.


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Anonymous #5

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28212680 - 03/03/23 03:45 PM (10 months, 21 days ago)

What a fabulous attitude.
There will be struggles and it will be difficult.
You are obviously a good parent or would not be concerned.
Congratulations on your baby girl.
Hold her while you can. You will miss it and treasure the memories.


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Anonymous #2

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #5] * 1
    #28212821 - 03/03/23 05:01 PM (10 months, 21 days ago)

:whathesaid:

Hang in there my friend. It is not easy but if you have love to give, you will receive love too. Love is what makes life worth living. Love for your daughter, love for your wife, love for yourself. ❤️


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Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #28213218 - 03/03/23 09:40 PM (10 months, 20 days ago)

Just remember that hormones are raging right now and everything is new and different.  Tons of new changes.  Maybe take a back seat and chill even if you have to even if you have lose an argument or not get your point across or whatever.  Let things settle and get into a good rhythm in life and re-present your concerns.  Best of luck to you, I know it's hard!


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Anonymous #6

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28213270 - 03/03/23 10:19 PM (10 months, 20 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Specifically I'm talking about sleep training and getting baby to settle and sleep alone. I think it is something we need to talk about and come up with a plan together to teach baby how to sleep.

My wife wants to nurse and hold baby to sleep and says it is cruel to leave baby alone because it makes baby cry and scares the baby to feel alone.




Father of two here. "Sleeptraining" in the form of locking a baby away and let it cry to sleep is something that can't be good. I don't know who came up with that nonsense, but it was probably someone who wanted the evenings for themselves. Evenings for yourself and your wife are a thing of the past for a while. If people want children, they need to get used to live with all the consequences, good or bad. I also don't see how sleeptraining would help to discipline your child into a "good child" later in life.

My take is this one (keep in mind this is my idea and everyone does their own thing).
There's a natural bond between you and your child. By letting it sleep alone, being affraid, crying, this bond will get cracks and probably brake, which will probably result in a higher likelyhood of developing  mental issues later in life. I think it's important for a new life to sense there's always someone there for them. They are quite helpless and don't have a clue what's going on.

Follow your instinct. Would you feel good or bad if you hear your child crying behind a locked bedroom door? If you would feel bad and the baby feels bad as well where's the benefit? Your wife seems to know what's up.


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Anonymous #5

Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28213698 - 03/04/23 08:18 AM (10 months, 20 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #6 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Specifically I'm talking about sleep training and getting baby to settle and sleep alone. I think it is something we need to talk about and come up with a plan together to teach baby how to sleep.

My wife wants to nurse and hold baby to sleep and says it is cruel to leave baby alone because it makes baby cry and scares the baby to feel alone.




Father of two here. "Sleeptraining" in the form of locking a baby away and let it cry to sleep is something that can't be good. I don't know who came up with that nonsense, but it was probably someone who wanted the evenings for themselves. Evenings for yourself and your wife are a thing of the past for a while. If people want children, they need to get used to live with all the consequences, good or bad. I also don't see how sleeptraining would help to discipline your child into a "good child" later in life.

My take is this one (keep in mind this is my idea and everyone does their own thing).
There's a natural bond between you and your child. By letting it sleep alone, being affraid, crying, this bond will get cracks and probably brake, which will probably result in a higher likelyhood of developing  mental issues later in life. I think it's important for a new life to sense there's always someone there for them. They are quite helpless and don't have a clue what's going on.

Follow your instinct. Would you feel good or bad if you hear your child crying behind a locked bedroom door? If you would feel bad and the baby feels bad as well where's the benefit? Your wife seems to know what's up.




Great and accurate response.


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Invisibleseldom seen
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Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #28219254 - 03/07/23 03:56 PM (10 months, 17 days ago)

Savor every moment it's gonna fly by.


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Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: seldom seen] * 1
    #28219839 - 03/07/23 10:43 PM (10 months, 16 days ago)

3 month old baby is a little young to start sleep training by ignoring crying baby. It's more about routines at this point. Doing the same things in the evening at the same ish time. Baths jammies bottle stories and cuddles. Baby will start sleeping through the night. Don't be one of those parents that puts there kids to bed at 6 or 7 then wonder why they are up at 5 every day.

So I think she is right on that one. I'd pick your battles more wisely cuz there will be more.


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Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #28224840 - 03/11/23 08:47 AM (10 months, 13 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #5 said:

Skin to skin contact promotes brain development.




:thumbup:  and emotional well-being.

I suspect many babies and toddlers receive a tiny percentage of the skin-to-skin physical contact they desire and need.  The same goes for eye contact.


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Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28224847 - 03/11/23 08:54 AM (10 months, 13 days ago)

Eye contact can be a tough one. My son is autistic so if I look at his eyes he won't look at my face at all. But if I look just above his head he will sit and look at my eyes like at bedtime and stuff.

Ive just realized this recently


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Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: Abombs]
    #28224863 - 03/11/23 09:07 AM (10 months, 13 days ago)

How old?  Does he refuse to make eye contact with everyone, including mom?

My son had autistic and OCD traits - most of which he grew out of as he got older.  I call them traits because I think it's harmful to assume a kid will be like this until the day they die.  How can you tell he's looking at your eyes when you're gazing over his head?  Peripheral vision?  It seems he does have the desire to look at your eyes.


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Re: 3 month old baby and now we're not seeing eye to eye [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28225125 - 03/11/23 01:06 PM (10 months, 13 days ago)

He definitely does. And I know eye contact can be very uncomfortable or even painful for someone on the autism spectrum.

I was always noticing him look away when anyone looks. And I wondered if he would look if I wasn't looking.

so I pay attention to it alot. I can't 100 percent say he is looking into my eyes but I'm not looking too far above. I can tell he is looking at me. And I think he likes it or finds it comforting. I don't think he gets to do that with anyone else.

And he does it alot at bed time or any cuddle time.

I certainly don't let him have any easier of a go than his siblings. But also school isn't able to do any accommodation for children who learn differently. Being in the middle of nowhere sometimes sucks.


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