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Anonymous #1

I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage
    #28216687 - 03/05/23 10:11 PM (10 months, 18 days ago)

This is probably one of my last posts on the shroomery.

I am not in a good place. Just cut down my flowering cannabis plants, threw out jars of mushrooms, my dmt and mescaline extract.
These substances played a huge role in my life (in a spiritual way, not in a "I need to get my fix" kind of way), but my family is priority.

For a couple of months I felt that my wife is becoming more and more aloof towards me. It probably all started way earlier with the pandemic and me loosing my job.
This morning I confronted her again with my suspicion that there's something wrong. I did that before, but she was always "too tired" or said "let's talk about that later, I am busy".
After a bit of conversation this morning she told me that she doesn't love me anymore, which was quite a blow in the guts.

She listed many things about me that irritate her. Things that I don't think are fair. Things that make me seem like an asshole. She never really made clear before, that there are things I do that pose major issues for her. It feels like she sees someone completely different in me than I do when I look into the mirror.
Besides many other things she listed, she said drugs are my priority and that I don't care about the family. We got two kids that mean the world to me. I would die for them. I also love my wife, even though she changed her views drastically within the last few years. We all change, so that's ok for me.

The thing is that a divorce would mean that I would have to leave the country and my family behind. I didn't grow up here, she did. I grew up on the other side of the globe. She wouldn't allow me to take the kids with me. Just thinking of leaving them behind breaks my heart. It would literally kill me.

I don't know what I expect from posting this here. I got no one to talk to about this other than my wife, so maybe I just want to be heard.
My whole world crumbles and I don't know how to go forward from here. It's very difficult to not feel hopeless.


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Anonymous #2

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28216721 - 03/05/23 11:08 PM (10 months, 18 days ago)

Dig and builds the best of worlds for your family and yourself.


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Offlineuninc4life2010
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Registered: 06/05/10
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28216722 - 03/05/23 11:11 PM (10 months, 18 days ago)

Are you both going to go to couple's therapy?  Aside from the drug use, what is it that she doesn't like about you?


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: uninc4life2010]
    #28216754 - 03/06/23 12:59 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

So just to elaborate on drug use. I enjoy one bowl of weed in the evening and an evening of tripping on my own (while
everyone sleeps) every 1-2 weeks.

Apart from my drug use she mentioned a lot of things I do not recognize, when I look at myself.
She basically says that I am lazy, because I am unemployed at the moment (got a video interview on Wednesday as we plan to go to my home country). I got retrenched from my previous job due to covid and then the pandemic followed, which made it impossible for me to find a new job. Besides that my visa was  getting changed to a spousal visa which doesn't allow me to work in this country. This change took more than two years to be finalized as the authorities here were overwhelmed with the situation. Finding a new job after this got finalized and changing my visa back to a work visa would likely take another year or two and cost a fortune.
Seeing that it was always the plan to leave to my home country for my children to have a better future, I decided to do renovations on the house and take care of the kids during my remaining time here.
I have always worked a lot, doing overtime, working during weekends, before the pandemic. I did jobs here like working in a callcenter which is nobodies dream job, but due to regulations I can only do certain jobs in this country. I really worked to make life work, but she seemed to have forgotten and reminding her doesn't help.

When I asked her previously what's wrong she suggested couples therapy, but I thought we can just improve our relationship by improving our communication. I wasn't aware of the picture that she painted of me in her head. If I would have known that I am the main issue, I wouldn't have dismissed therapy. Now I would go, but it feels like she made up her mind and it's probably too late. I still offered it.

In my home country there's support from the government if you have children. I paid in taxes for quite a while and it's a normal thing to apply for this support, so I intend to do that. She thinks I am looking for handouts by the government and doesn't think it's right to use that money.

She basically says that I am a lazy bum that doesn't care about the family  but only about myself. I feel that I do not deserve that. I do everything for my familiy. My children's wellbeing comes first. I put a lot of effort in teaching them values to be good and responsible people. She's working, so she doesn't notice I guess.

She feels that I don't appreciate her going to work, but I do. And I have highlighted that many times. I try to do everything she asks me for, but it doesn't seem like it's enough. I also offer things like giving her a massage or taking the children out, so she can relax a bit and have some time for herself.

One thing that is also an issue is the fact that she got into all covid, G5, NWO, etc you can think of conspiracy theories and I didn't.
Sometimes I got quite passionate about my standpoint which usually resulted in a fight. I learned to pick my battles though and avoided these topics even though they greatly influenced our family life. We couldn't go to my home country last year, because she didn't want the vaccination for example, so we postponed it till now.

Then she recently rediscovered her Christian faith. When we met we both didn't submit to organized religion. In fact we met 12 years ago on NIN.com. I still don't follow any religion (other than my own little religion of which psychedelics were part of, but which I kept to myself) and I don't see that change. And it's fine, she can practice it, but it kind of annoys me that she started to read the bible to the kids and teach them religious songs, while telling me I smoke the devils lattice and speak to demons while tripping. My position on religion and my children is that they should be free to choose to believe whatever they want instead of being pushed into a religion before they actually know what it's all about.
That was a factor too I guess.

When I am at home I barely take a brake. There's always stuff to do in the garden, in the house or with the kids.
I don't think I am a bad father, I didn't think I have been a crappy husband. I gave up drinking and smoking cigarettes a long time ago. I never cheated on my wife. I never hit her or the children.
I wanted to be someone she feels she can talk to, that she feels supported by. I saw us as a team, playing together to raise our children.
It hurts to have realized that I seem to be the opposite of what I tried to be for her.


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Anonymous #3

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28216788 - 03/06/23 03:24 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

She's obviously crazy teaching children the bible and saying things like devils lettuce. Maybe you are not the whole problem my friend.
Try taking some mdma together and then talking about your issues, mdma is great for couples therapy


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #28216809 - 03/06/23 04:38 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

I would try the mdma therapy, but I won't even suggest it to her. Somehow she changed her opinion about any drug use. I use these substances since more than 2 decades and she knew about it when we met and tolerated it ever since.
Not too long ago she actually seemed interested in trying mushrooms with me to see what I am so fascinated about. Something happened and she's no longer interested. She never told me what has changed her mind.

I thought about possible solutions, but they all seem to be connected to lot's of suffering especially for my kids.
I am affraid this will ultimately end in divorce, me returning to my home country, leaving my children behind with my wife, working my ass off and sending money to my children each month.

It breaks my heart to just think of having to have skype conversations with my children and no other kind of contact.


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OfflineMarkamello
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #28216830 - 03/06/23 05:58 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

Sounds like a sad situation brother. It seems like you guys are on different paths.

Is there a way you guys can get back on track? Are you interested in walking the path she has chosen?

Maybe you guys have just grown apart and trying to reconcile is just going to prolong the pain of the situation.

Do what it takes to be there for your kids tho. They need you.


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Anonymous #4

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Markamello] * 5
    #28216838 - 03/06/23 06:11 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

This probably won't help you, but bible and 5g and chips in vaccines etc. you gotta be really brainwashed for that shit.
Problem probably isn't in you.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Markamello]
    #28216851 - 03/06/23 06:24 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

Thank you Markamello and everyone else who chimed in.

I wouldn't mind trying (and if just for the kids) and I actually begged and pleaded to find a way, but even though she hasn't said it yet, I feel she's not really interested.

Maybe she's affraid of moving to another continent and just desperately tries to avoid it, I don't know.

I won't be able to start following the Christian faith. The concept just doesn't agree with me and I would just be another hypocrite if I did.
Conspiracy theories are interesting and there's probably even some truth to some, but I find it's a waste of thoughts to  occupy my mind  with things I don't know whether they are true or not. I prefer to think about things that influence my life and try to keep my thoughts positive instead of living in fear of "them" whoever they are. I feel life's too short for these kind of things. I'd rather spend my time with my children. 

So walking this path with her wouldn't work for me. I tried to coexist and tolerate her ideas, but now that she keeps on telling me that whatever I do is not enough it's starting to take a toll.

The kids definitely need me. I grew up as a child of divorced parents and it wasn't really fun. I don't want them to have a similar experience growing up with the difference that I would be 20000 kilometers away from them.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #28216854 - 03/06/23 06:26 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #4 said:
This probably won't help you, but bible and 5g and chips in vaccines etc. you gotta be really brainwashed for that shit.
Problem probably isn't in you.



Yeah she started to mingle with some very weired people and I think she just wanted to feel like she belongs to some kind of community.


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Anonymous #4

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28216877 - 03/06/23 06:50 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #4 said:
This probably won't help you, but bible and 5g and chips in vaccines etc. you gotta be really brainwashed for that shit.
Problem probably isn't in you.



Yeah she started to mingle with some very weired people and I think she just wanted to feel like she belongs to some kind of community.




Wouldn't be surprised if the idea of drugs are bad mmmkay etc. came from outside.


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Anonymous #3

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28216889 - 03/06/23 07:04 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

My best friend wanted to do shrooms with me, untill his girlfriend told him not to. She's very anti drug.
So my friend will never get to experience the love of the universe because his GF whispered poison in his ear.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28217020 - 03/06/23 08:55 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

"I don't know what I expect from posting this here. I got no one to talk to about this other than my wife, so maybe I just want to be heard. My whole world crumbles and I don't know how to go forward from here. It's very difficult to not feel hopeless."

As a divorced father I hear and feel this pain.

In part, she may be expressing her desire and need to receive more attention from you. A common difficult aspect of marriage and LTR's is that one can become isolated and dependent on one person to meet most (or all) of their social and sexual needs. The belief one can have an "emotional affair" reveals how taboo it is to depend on people other than a partner.

Marriages can become boring & monotonous, especially lacking meaningful intimate relationships outside of the marriage. As you say, it appears she wants to belong to a community. Humans need diversity. The older we get the more prone to stagnation we are. Our social circle can become microscopic.   

Aside from getting a job, you might ask her what she wants from you, in regard to "not caring about the family."  I suspect there's much more to her unhappiness than any irritation she feels towards you, or her claim drugs are your priority. She's saying she isn't your priority. It's not about drugs.

When our partner says, "I don't love you anymore" it's a result of a long period of suffering. She's been hiding her secret a long time.

.....................................................

We all are secret-keepers in our intimate relationships. We keep secrets from our partners about daily encounters, former lovers, true feelings about sex, friends, in-laws, finances, personal hopes, and worries about work, health, love, and life. It may be, in fact, that keeping these secrets makes all relationships possible. If our partners knew every thought, every nuance of our selves, our relationships would run the risk of succumbing from either constant turmoil or—perhaps worse—a tedious matter-of-factness devoid of surprises. Whatever their contribution to the maintenance of our unions, secrets also contribute to their collapse.

Uncoupling is primarily a tale of two transitions: one that begins before the other. Most often, one person wants out while the other person wants the relationship to continue. Although both partners must go through all the same stages of the transition in order to uncouple, the transition begins and ends at different times for each. By the time the still-loving partner realizes the relationship is in serious trouble, the other person is already gone in a number of ways. The rejected partner then embarks on a transition that the other person began long before.

Diane Vaughan
Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: RJ Tubs 202] * 2
    #28217174 - 03/06/23 10:39 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

Thank you RJ Tubs, this has been quite helpful in that it makes me understand the situation a bit better.

I can definitely relate to the feeling of social isolation. I too haven't been around people other than my family for the last 3 years. The shroomery really helped to substitute the lack of human interaction. I am kind of introverted and mostly comfortable being in my own company, but she seems to need socializing more than I do.

Quote:

Aside from getting a job, you might ask her what she wants from you, in regard to "not caring about the family."  I suspect there's much more to her unhappiness than any irritation she feels towards you, or her claim drugs are your priority. She's saying she isn't your priority. It's not about drugs.

When our partner says, "I don't love you anymore" it's a result of a long period of suffering. She's been hiding her secret a long time.




I think you're onto something. This afternoon I spoke to her and she mentioned that she feels that I don't care about her issues at work. She says so because I once or twice got annoyed with her telling me about her work colleague's problems. I usually don't spend a lot of time discussing other people. This somehow had some kind of snowball effect that made her think I do not care at all about her problems and she's basically the slave bringing in the money, not seeing that I have lot's of stuff I do myself and actually caring about things that bother her.

That being said I feel there aren't a lot of options left. Every scenario I came up with hurts someone, so I need to pick the one that causes the least amount of damage. I play with the thought of leaving, getting a job in my home country and send money to her for the children.

As you already indicated, she has given up long ago. I will do her the favour and go ahead with the divorce.
For my kids I will become a "video dad", which I can't and don't even want to imagine. It's definitely not going to be good for them, but I see no other way at the moment.
The last 10 years have been the best time of my life so far, now I sense rough times ahead. I would have never dared to dream that it'll end like this.


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Offlineuninc4life2010
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Registered: 06/05/10
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28217215 - 03/06/23 11:05 AM (10 months, 18 days ago)

If your wife has mentally checked out, it's going to be a hard road ahead.  That being said, is there no way to see your kids regularly?


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: uninc4life2010]
    #28217627 - 03/06/23 04:07 PM (10 months, 17 days ago)

Quote:

uninc4life2010 said:
If your wife has mentally checked out, it's going to be a hard road ahead.  That being said, is there no way to see your kids regularly?



Not really. Only if I stay in this country. Here I don't really have any other social contacts anymore and things are going downhill fast at the moment (things get seriously expensive, corrupt government, energy crisis, high unemployment rate, high crime rate, etc).

This was also the reason why we (or I) thpught it might be better to move to a more stabil country. Here I don't see a great future for my children. Education isn't great here either and you'd have to spend a fortune just for them to be able to go to a privite school where the elite sends their children to. My daughter is about to go to school in August.

If I stay here I will have to go back and work in a callcenter or similar which wouldn't earn me enough to enable them to go to a good school.

The only way I see forward is me going to Europe, take a small apartment and send money each month. Skype would be the only tool to communicate and see my children.


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InvisibleWarrk
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 3
    #28218415 - 03/07/23 04:43 AM (10 months, 17 days ago)

Keep trying to find ways to make it work, starting with counselling either together or separately. Sadly it seems Covid has done a lot of damage to families and the divorce rate has soared in the last couple of years.

Hang in there brother, if you work hard at this I believe you will find a way and your wife may rediscover the love that brought you together in the first place.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28218932 - 03/07/23 12:56 PM (10 months, 17 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

As you already indicated, she has given up long ago. I will do her the favour and go ahead with the divorce.




Has she specifically asked for divorce? I reread your comments here and I didn't see that info.

The reason I ask is, when you confronted her with your suspicion something was wrong, she avoided the subject. If she has not asked for a divorce, you might ask her if that is what she actually wants.

It's so difficult for many of us to be truly honest. For your sake, if this is really what she wants, you need to know that. There may be a chance that she wants to avoid dealing with the tough issues. If so, that would be good to know.

My ex-wife and I admitted to each other after our split that there were things we hadn't been honest to each other about.

For some people, dealing with the tough issues might be so painful (especially if they are tied to childhood trauma and other painful aspects of their history) that divorce might seem to be a better and easier option than dealing them.


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InvisibleWarrk
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28220007 - 03/08/23 02:47 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Looking back to your first post OP, quitting weed and psychedelics is a good move and admirable for 2 reasons I can think of.

Firstly, it shows that you are serious about making changes to save your marriage and that you are directly addressing what your wife is concerned about.

Second, I believe life is better without weed. Sure, weed is a nice thing to have now and then but when it becomes a regular thing and a habit then it cannot be a good thing. THC has a negative effect on the heart however you consume it - whether you smoke it or vape it or eat it does not matter. If you want to be there for your kids and see them good up you are have a better chance doing it without weed.

Again, I hope it works out for you and that your wife is willing to give the marriage a second chance.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: RJ Tubs 202] * 1
    #28220010 - 03/08/23 02:51 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Quote:

Warrk said:
Keep trying to find ways to make it work, starting with counselling either together or separately. Sadly it seems Covid has done a lot of damage to families and the divorce rate has soared in the last couple of years.

Hang in there brother, if you work hard at this I believe you will find a way and your wife may rediscover the love that brought you together in the first place.



Thanks man, I really hope you are right. I spoke to her again about marriage counselling. She laughed it off the other day when I mentioned I would be ready to try that. Now that I spoke to her about it again she said that I should choose one which I did. Let's see if that will materialize as I sent her three different available time slots and each time she found a reason why it doesn't work for her.

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

As you already indicated, she has given up long ago. I will do her the favour and go ahead with the divorce.




Has she specifically asked for divorce? I reread your comments here and I didn't see that info.

The reason I ask is, when you confronted her with your suspicion something was wrong, she avoided the subject. If she has not asked for a divorce, you might ask her if that is what she actually wants.

It's so difficult for many of us to be truly honest. For your sake, if this is really what she wants, you need to know that. There may be a chance that she wants to avoid dealing with the tough issues. If so, that would be good to know.

My ex-wife and I admitted to each other after our split that there were things we hadn't been honest to each other about.

For some people, dealing with the tough issues might be so painful (especially if they are tied to childhood trauma and other painful aspects of their history) that divorce might seem to be a better and easier option than dealing them.




She hasn't asked for a divorce, but I feel that I am running out of ideas. It feels like no matter what I suggest or no matter how much I try to find a solution, she finds something to invalidate whatever I say. I really try but she doesn't receive the message I try to bring across.
That's why I kind of offered the divorce as I felt I might do her a favor by doing so. She just comes back with quotes like "don't make permanent decisions based on a temporary feeling". Not seeing that we kind of made a supposedly permanent decision based on a feeling by getting married in the first place. It's not a suitable quote to make and I am not talking to her just to get a reply that doesn't even originate from her mind. This quote would only work for suicidal individuals and suicide is out of the question. Even though I feel like "what's the point of anything" these days from time to time, I couldn't do something like that to my children and family overseas.

So she doesn't want a divorce, but at the same time it feels like she doesn't allow me to find ways to fix something either.

Here's a thing. Something I am worried about, but something she laughs off as if it's not a big deal.
I talked to her yesterday and asked her if she hasn't noticed that her values have changed drastically over the last 1-2 years. She admitted that this observation is correct. I give you some examples. She used to lean on the fiminist side of things, she used to have an atheist or agnostic worldview, she never regarded drug use (and I mean responsible drug use whatever that means, basically use that doesn't interfere with our relationship or the relationship with our children) as ok. She got to know me like that.
Then at some point she started following a community that calls themselves "connecting consciousness". I was wondering what that's about and asked her to explain this organization to me. Is it a cult? Does she spend money on being a part of it? Questions like that. I am relatively open-minded, so I left it at that when she told me that she doesn't pay a membership fee and that it's a community of people that help each other. That's fine with me. I trusted her and let her do her thing.

After all she tolerated my use of psychedelics, listening to Terence mckenna lectures (which I just find incredibly interesting, but of which I don't take as the ultimate truth). So I got my thing, she got hers and I left it at that.

Around Christmas she asked me if I and the kids want to join a year end function of this organization. I thought ok let's see what this is about. By that time I already got some bits and pieces that this group is pretty out there, believing in things that one cannot prove. For me that's a big thing to blindly follow a mind construct of one man and not having a speck of doubt if this is all true. I am very skeptical about the actual motives of self-proclaimed leaders like that. I always get the idea it's just about power, making money or just getting attention... or a combination of these things. The victims are people that feel the need to belong to something, that try to make sense of it.

Well yesterday I decided to do a bit of research on this "leader" (Simon Parkes). It pretty much seems like a cult to me. Something I sensed during this year end function too, which more felt like a commercial to me than anything else. All the ideas about alien races, vaccinations, god, etc. I found all of it. They even have 50000 members in the US. It's kind of scary.

So I confronted her with that yesterday. Obviously she goes into defense mode and we didn't get very far.

This "organization" turned her into someone who would resemble a Texan cowboy (no offense, this is a generalization, I know), rather than the person I fell in love with. I told her that I don't want to be married to a cowboy with a materialistic, conservative, macho worldview, I would like her back. I know that she can't just erase all the ideas she accumulated over the years.
I am irritated that she can't or doesn't want to see the point that I try to make. I am sad that she doesn't seem to trust in any of my concerns, but rather trusts in thd opinions and ideas of someone she hasn't even met.

It's a situation I do not see how to get out of. If I would leave like I mentioned above she would teach these worldviews to my children. If I stay I feel I will sacrifice my sanity which will probably also have an impact on my children's development.
I love my two children above everything, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind that if I would have known where this is going I wouldn't have agreed on having kids with her. And just this thought is ripping me appart. Also I know that I won't change anything for the better by occupying my mind in that way.
Even though I try to hide my feelings towards my children they see me crying every day for the last three days. My son doesn't understand yet but still comes to give me a hug. My daughter is 5 now and is incredibly far for her age. She asks questions and really knows something isn't right. Just this has an impact on them.

I don't know if and how we can get out of that. I seriously wonder how a marriage counsellor would sort this out. I guess I will see.
I haven't used any drugs besides coffein since a couple of days and I would be willing to stay "sober", but I would like to see her doing her part too. She seems to be feeling like whatever she does isn't a thing that should be a concern of mine.

One last thing and I know I am writing a book here...
Yesterday I asked her what is so bad about my use of cannabis and psychedelics. I grew all of my stuff, I haven't bought anything for the last 10 years accept for cultivation purposes. I don't mingle with dealers or addicts. I use only after dark and when I am on my own. I tried to explain that mushrooms actually are the opposite of "escaping reality" to me, but rather a mercyless mirror that allow me to see my own shortcomings from another perspective. Of course they are also fun, but I think you know what I mean. I feel these substances even improved my relationship to her and didn't harm the development of my children. I don't even talk about it anymore accept for asking if it's ok for me to have a "meditation evening", a question to which she always replied that it's ok.
Well her reply is that she doesn't want her children to be exposed to it. I understand that and I agree, but they weren't exposed to it other than having a father that secretly does these things.

I then went ahead and asked "what about the childrens bibles that you get for them to read before bed time? Isn't that exposing them to your worldviews?" I feel unhappy that she's exposing them to these stories. I made clear many times that this is an issue for me. But even though she's aware of my issue with that she goes ahead and gets another version of the bible. We currently got three here on the nightstand next to the bed. My son doesn't even talk whole scentences yet but sings hallelujah and kumbaya my lord. She doesn't regard this as pushing her faith onto them. She doesn't see what's the issue with introducing them to the Christian ideas. Why not add the Koran, the Greec mythology, Viking mythology as well, so they get the whole spectrum of ideas? I would be ok with that.

Sorry about this whole rant and thanks for reading if you made it this far.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Warrk]
    #28220015 - 03/08/23 03:01 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Quote:

Warrk said:
Looking back to your first post OP, quitting weed and psychedelics is a good move and admirable for 2 reasons I can think of.

Firstly, it shows that you are serious about making changes to save your marriage and that you are directly addressing what your wife is concerned about.

Second, I believe life is better without weed. Sure, weed is a nice thing to have now and then but when it becomes a regular thing and a habit then it cannot be a good thing. THC has a negative effect on the heart however you consume it - whether you smoke it or vape it or eat it does not matter. If you want to be there for your kids and see them good up you are have a better chance doing it without weed.

Again, I hope it works out for you and that your wife is willing to give the marriage a second chance.



Thanks again Warrk. Reading this is encouraging. I don't need the weed, there was literally no difference for me quitting these few days so far. Only that I don't find watching a show in the evenings appealing anymore and that I rather go to bed instead.
I am close to 40 now and started using cannabis early. The first time I smoked when I was 13 and accept for a hiatus of 4 years I pretty much enjoyed it everyday. I preferred vaping.
Anyways I am more than willing to call that use a thing of the past if it would change anything.
The moment I held my daughter for the first time things have changed. I was no longer the center of importance to myself, my daughter was. And now it's both children. I would do everything for them. I guess most parents feel that way. Or they should.

Now after reading my last post you'll see it's going to be a bit tricky. I don't want to and can't give up though.


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28220023 - 03/08/23 03:16 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Damn, this whole situation does not sound good. Sounds like your wife is turning into someone you will not appreciate or respect in terms of the whole Bible faith and conspiracy theories aspect.

Many marriages end because of differences in religious or political values between the partners. It sounds like this is happening in your marriage. I dont have any advice sadly....


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
    #28220028 - 03/08/23 03:37 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Thanks for your input Logical. I know, it also doesn't feel good. Like a damocles sword hanging above my head, just waiting to fall. It feels like this any and every second, even if I try to shift my focus on my children.
Just writing these thoughts I have, helps a bit though. I haven't told anyone about this, not my family overseas (who are so happy and excited to welcome the whole family soon) and not to the few old friends I still got over there. I feel pretty much alone with this. I am thankful for having at least the option to be heard here on the shroomery.

I have a glimpse of hope though. She often mentions that some of the things this organization is about are too far out there even for her. That tells me that there might be some hope. I hope that's not just wishful thinking.

Today I had my video job interview. If I should be successful there's no obstacle for the move anymore. Maybe the new environment will change her views and she can focus on what's really important (in my opinion) again. On our family.


Edited by Anonymous (03/08/23 03:40 AM)


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InvisibleWarrk
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28220046 - 03/08/23 04:14 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

OP I think the reason why your wife got into this group is because of her feeling like there was something missing from her life. People will grab onto anything that gives them a sense of belonging. Cults operate like this and today there are many spiritual mumbo-jumbo groups that are of a similar vein.

Here's the thing though. If beliefs remain only beliefs and there is no harm done to others and there are no expensive membership fees to pay, then maybe this group that your wife has connected to is not so bad. There are many conservative fundamentalist Christians who are good people for example, likewise many Hindus and Muslims and people of other faiths and religions who are outstanding members of society and who treat everyone equally.

Marriage often causes husbands to become a little bit negligent and to take their wives for granted I think it is fair to say. Women need constant pampering and communication is so important to them - connecting on a deeper level is what they want. If you can fill this void I am sure there will be no need for any group or religion or anything else to occupy your wife's mind.

Now, it could also be that over time you guys have drifted apart and there is too much of a gap to bridge no matter how much effort you put in. It could be that you don't actually like her anymore and what she has become. There are many options available and it isn't just staying in the marriage or getting divorced. I know a couple who still live together even though they are no longer romantically linked just because divorce is too expensive and problematic and no-one wins if divorce were to go ahead, they also have kids that they share so they have decided to unlink romantically but otherwise life goes on as it did before!

I would continue to keep the lines of communication open with your wife, always be calm and non-judgemental when talking, kindness and compassion for yourself and your wife will help things along. Get things off your chest and likewise get her to upload all her burdens so there are no secrets and no misgivings and resentments festering inside... everything has to be out in the open but do it in a measured way so it doesn't cause hurt. Doing this can be fun and might allow you to connect in a way you have never before. Good luck bro!


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Warrk]
    #28220104 - 03/08/23 05:44 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Quote:

Warrk said:
OP I think the reason why your wife got into this group is because of her feeling like there was something missing from her life. People will grab onto anything that gives them a sense of belonging. Cults operate like this and today there are many spiritual mumbo-jumbo groups that are of a similar vein.





I think you are absolutely right. And I would be fine with her following these people if she would keep it to herself. Just like I decided to keep my stuff for myself.
The thing is I don't like it if my children get involved and basically indoctrinated. I also don't like the feeling of her looking down at me everytime I try to explain myself. My idea of things. That doesn't feel fair. By now I get a lot of passive aggressive reactions, which is probably because I have been very passionate about my standpoint initially.
I have changed that though and I got quite good at remaining calm and rational. In that sense she even helped me to grow.
However she likes to compartmentalize things and put me into a box which I seem to be locked in.

I concider myself being a kind person unless you really piss me off. I like to raise my children with compassion and try to make the feel understood if they are unhappy. I feel that way I am strengthening the bond between me and the children and that in turn will pay out later in life when they are becoming teenagers. I want them to have the feeling that they can always come to me to talk about their issues instead of keeping their worries for themselves.
My wife was the same. Now when one of the children cries, because they feel treated unfairly or don't understand she says "suck it up sunshine". I don't see any benefit in saying something like that to a 2 or 5 year old child.

I definitely keep on communicating with her though. Anything else would cause the opposite of what I try to achieve.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Warrk]
    #28220185 - 03/08/23 06:47 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Quote:

Warrk said:

Now, it could also be that over time you guys have drifted apart and there is too much of a gap to bridge no matter how much effort you put in. It could be that you don't actually like her anymore and what she has become. There are many options available and it isn't just staying in the marriage or getting divorced. I know a couple who still live together even though they are no longer romantically linked just because divorce is too expensive and problematic and no-one wins if divorce were to go ahead, they also have kids that they share so they have decided to unlink romantically but otherwise life goes on as it did before!




:thumbup:

People change over time, and this is something we don't seriously consider when we sign the contract to stay together "forever".  And of course, we never know HOW someone will change!  We promise to stay together for "better or worse". Imagine making that promise to an employer when you are 25 or 30!  I will never ever quit, no matter what!  I have some problems with the institution of marriage. 

I was never really interested in my ex sexually. That became a problem over the years. We did briefly discuss the option of continuing to live together (to raise our son) without engaging in physical intimacy. Over the years she became somewhat of a hoarder, and that was a big problem for me.  People change.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28220321 - 03/08/23 08:22 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

I totally get that too. It's kind of funny, because I myself as a child of divorced parents was having my problems with the idea of the institution of marriage and actually never planned to get married. My wife found it to be important though, so we went ahead and got married. Before we made this contract of which I forgot the name of (antinaptual?).

Fun fact is that we explicitly looked for a non religious marriage counsellor and didn't get married in church, in a very small circle of her, I, my brothers her mother and my parents.

I never was under the illusion that each of us wouldn't change or that the feelings will change, but I never thought such a drastic change would be possible.

That being said, I am trying to not fall into the patterns of communication that we established over the last few years without realizing. And the main issues are being confrontational and passive aggressive towards each other mainly. We are just turning in circles.
I think communication (or rather miscommunication) is really our issue.

I feel I just had a good talk with her and we agreed on the communication issues which I hope is a good start. We set up some rules to avoid falling into these patterns. It's maybe wishful thinking, but I don't want to give up.


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InvisibleLost at Sea
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28220326 - 03/08/23 08:25 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Hang in there man and don't be sorry for sharing. It takes courage and is wise to get input; things are hard to see from one perspective, and it helps to process what's going on by sharing.

Its great you two can still talk. Even when she laughs or doesn't give an answer right away it means a lot for you two to give patience and kindness while you sort through each of your needs, expectations, and desires for one another

In regards to the religion, life is a journey of learning, questioning, and making choices. It sounds like she's trying something new and its pretty important to her, especially since shes sharing it with your kids. Have you asked her why she is so interested in it or whats so special about Christianity to her? Its fine to question but open your heart and mind to what she's saying, so you can hear and understand your wifes heart. All the trips you've taken have lead to this moment of divine connection and understanding needed to heal and move forward together right now.


Its easy and natural to get defensive but when we surrender and push past that amazing things can happen. Keep asking questions like you are and listening, shes has a lot to say for some time and hasn't. You all are doing great seeking counseling. Just give yourselves time and love to navigate through this time. There's definitely hope though it might be hard to see.


--------------------
...Rome wasn't built in a day, but burning it down only took a few...
:thatsinteresting::thatsinteresting:

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28220328 - 03/08/23 08:27 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Just out of curiosity RJ, do you feel your son got over you and your ex wifes divorce in a semi good way? Or did it result in issues? (I would understand if you wouldn't want to get into that)


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28220334 - 03/08/23 08:30 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Lost at sea, thanks I will get back to you soon. It's dinner time here and I am the cook.

For now I want to say welcome to the shroomery. I kind of feel honored that you dedicated your first post to this.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28220350 - 03/08/23 08:38 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

I've not read up about goods techniques to address the hostility of passive aggressive behavior.  "The Angry Book" by Theodore Rubin is fantastic and has helped me a lot.  We often repress anger, and over time it builds up and then can turn into perverted and distorted anger which is poisonous to a relationship.

That can fuel anxiety, depression, insomnia, eating disorders, drug abuse, etc


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28220360 - 03/08/23 08:47 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

Just out of curiosity RJ, do you feel your son got over you and your ex wifes divorce in a semi good way? Or did it result in issues? (I would understand if you wouldn't want to get into that)




I feel he is OK and we have a good relationship. We go on adventures to the beach, zoo, and love to browse bookstores. We spent a week in Italy last September to celebrate his graduating high school. He has a wide variety of interests and has friends. He had OCD and autistic traits when he was younger, which he mostly grew out of. But the damn pandemic has been very hard on him (and all of us!!!) and some OCD symptoms have returned.


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InvisibleLost at Sea
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28220371 - 03/08/23 08:51 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Thank you for the welcome to the Shroomery! I'm grateful to be a part of this community.


--------------------
...Rome wasn't built in a day, but burning it down only took a few...
:thatsinteresting::thatsinteresting:

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Lost at Sea]
    #28220604 - 03/08/23 11:32 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Quote:

Lost at Sea said:
Hang in there man and don't be sorry for sharing. It takes courage and is wise to get input; things are hard to see from one perspective, and it helps to process what's going on by sharing.

Its great you two can still talk. Even when she laughs or doesn't give an answer right away it means a lot for you two to give patience and kindness while you sort through each of your needs, expectations, and desires for one another

In regards to the religion, life is a journey of learning, questioning, and making choices. It sounds like she's trying something new and its pretty important to her, especially since shes sharing it with your kids. Have you asked her why she is so interested in it or whats so special about Christianity to her? Its fine to question but open your heart and mind to what she's saying, so you can hear and understand your wifes heart. All the trips you've taken have lead to this moment of divine connection and understanding needed to heal and move forward together right now.


Its easy and natural to get defensive but when we surrender and push past that amazing things can happen. Keep asking questions like you are and listening, shes has a lot to say for some time and hasn't. You all are doing great seeking counseling. Just give yourselves time and love to navigate through this time. There's definitely hope though it might be hard to see.



It has been definitely hard to see any hope in this. I have been oblivious to the problem and it hit me pretty hard, when I realized that it might be too late for us, or that it's too late for me to do something to improve the situation for her.

I did ask her why she got back into religion (she used to be religious as a child). She says it helps her to cope with everything she went through the last years and what she still goes through. Her work is quite stressful as she's teaching special needs children with autism. I know I couldn't do that.
The thing is, she feels I didn't care about the things she has to endure every day, which isn't true. I care and thought of ways to make it easier for her. At the same time I might have been able to do more or to make it more visible for her that I do care.
I was stuck in a bubble at home and pretty much isolated myself, which didn't improve the situation. This of course isn't supposed to be an excuse.

For now I will start to genuinely listen and understand whatever is bothering her. I think this has been missing or neglected by me without even realizing.

I am glad that I dared to share this here, even though I stayed anonymous. Some might have an idea who I am and that's perfectly fine. It helped a great deal I got a lot of input, other perspectives and ideas. And I feel someone listened. Thanks guys. One thing is for sure. No matter if my last trip has been the last one or not, I will continue to stay a part of this community.

So for now I will stay clear of tripping. I did my fair share, seen and learned a lot of incredible things, but reached a point where I think it's time to take a long break and focus on my family. There's still plenty of time for psychedelic explorations later in life if I should feel that it's a good idea one day.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28220613 - 03/08/23 11:42 AM (10 months, 16 days ago)

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
I've not read up about goods techniques to address the hostility of passive aggressive behavior.  "The Angry Book" by Theodore Rubin is fantastic and has helped me a lot.  We often repress anger, and over time it builds up and then can turn into perverted and distorted anger which is poisonous to a relationship.

That can fuel anxiety, depression, insomnia, eating disorders, drug abuse, etc



Thanks for suggesting the book! I will look into it, as I feel more like taking up reading than passively watching something on TV now anyways. So this might be a good opportunity to get back into reading. I used to read a lot in my younger years.

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

Just out of curiosity RJ, do you feel your son got over you and your ex wifes divorce in a semi good way? Or did it result in issues? (I would understand if you wouldn't want to get into that)




I feel he is OK and we have a good relationship. We go on adventures to the beach, zoo, and love to browse bookstores. We spent a week in Italy last September to celebrate his graduating high school. He has a wide variety of interests and has friends. He had OCD and autistic traits when he was younger, which he mostly grew out of. But the damn pandemic has been very hard on him (and all of us!!!) and some OCD symptoms have returned.



I am happy to read that. It sounds like you two have a healthy father/son relationship which isn't a matter of course.
Yeah you're right, I feel the pandemic has caused so much pain and suffering. It needs a long time to heal. I hope your son will overcome the OCD. It seems like he has a good father that will support him on his way!


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28222040 - 03/09/23 10:03 AM (10 months, 15 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

. . . she feels I didn't care about the things she has to endure every day, which isn't true. I care and thought of ways to make it easier for her. At the same time I might have been able to do more or to make it more visible for her that I do care.




Beyond listening to her, I wonder what else she wants from you.  It appears she desires more than listening. She seems to want more support, but what kind of support?  I wonder if she can tell you exactly what she needs.  Sometimes in relationships we expect too much of our partner. We can grow to expect that our partner should always know what we need.  Humans are far too complex to ever master the art of mind reading.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: RJ Tubs 202] * 1
    #28222118 - 03/09/23 11:29 AM (10 months, 15 days ago)

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

. . . she feels I didn't care about the things she has to endure every day, which isn't true. I care and thought of ways to make it easier for her. At the same time I might have been able to do more or to make it more visible for her that I do care.




Beyond listening to her, I wonder what else she wants from you.  It appears she desires more than listening. She seems to want more support, but what kind of support?  I wonder if she can tell you exactly what she needs.  Sometimes in relationships we expect too much of our partner. We can grow to expect that our partner should always know what we need.  Humans are far too complex to ever master the art of mind reading.




You are onto something and I start to figure things out, I hope. I got the same suspicion.

Further up I mentioned that we met on NIN.com. Back then I really liked listening to them as they helped me to overcome a depressed phase of my life.
We talked via pm for about two years and had never imagined that we would meet one day and that the chemistry was right.
Anyway, today I listened to the song called "ring finger" as I felt that it fits in some ways or represents some of the things she said to me about a week ago.

"If I would be twice the man I could be, I'd be half of what you need." - This line really hit the spot.

I think it all escalated to this point because initially I put in more effort into our relationship and at some point the routine took over, which I thought was a normal thing.
So I get the suspicion that her acting the way she did was because she expected something from me that I thought she doesn't care about anymore, just like you said.

I tried something for the last few days and it really seems to improve things.
In the beginning of our marriage I would do all these small things that show that I care. Like giving her a hug and a kiss whenever she or I leave for work. Asking her if I should prepare a cup of coffee before she comes home. Asking her about her day, etc. All these things that might seem like a matter of course to some, but things that slowly vanished from our daily routine, partially because I got lazy and partially because she seemed to get annoyed with all the lovey dovey stuff at some point.

She expects a lot though. It seems like the less I did these things, the more she expected from me, till it was impossible for me to fullfil her expectations anymore.

Here's an example. Currently I renovate the kitchen. The plan is to rent out the house when we're overseas and the kitchen really suffered, because the kids like to play with stuff and sometimes things break.
I got three tools available and all of them are old. Working with them takes effort and time. I re-use old wood whenever I can to save money, sand it down, cut it into pieces, etc. That takes time and I need to do all the other chores on the side. Additionally I live in a country where we experience daily power outages, sometimes 4 hours at a time. Long story short, it takes some time to get the job done.
I am happy with the results though and was looking forward to see her reaction when she came home only to hear "This is taking too long." To which I reply "I do the best I can." Her response was "Then doing your best is not good enough." When she said that she seemed so bitter and sour. You can imagine what that did to my self confidence.

But by now I think it wasn't the actual reason why she acted like that. I got plenty of time. I take my time and do things properly if the situation allows it.

So anyway, I decided that being confrontational will not lead to the desired outcome. It would only result in her getting even more defensive.
I started to revive the old rituals. I give her a hug and a kiss when she leaves. I take over little chores that she still does like packing the children's lunch box. Little things scattered all over the day. This seems to really improve things. I will stick to this strategy. We had some moments where we remembered good things, instead of falling into destructive behavioral patterns again.
Another thing I take as a good sign is that we seem to get concious about the moment things go south, which helps to stop it from escalating by making each other aware of that before emotions take over too much.

I know we got a long way ahead, but I am no longer hopeless.
I am a little scared about the marriage counselling though. I have never been to a psychologist or anything of that nature. At the same time I try to stay open-minded towards this new experience. I wonder what he will say to my past psychedelic use and her deep interest in conspiracy theories. I  guess he needs to remain neutral about these things.


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InvisibleWarrk
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28222644 - 03/09/23 05:12 PM (10 months, 14 days ago)

:goodluck:


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Offlinemran12
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #28222949 - 03/09/23 08:23 PM (10 months, 14 days ago)

I can understand your concerns about her interest in conspiracy theories, but I think the bible can be a good thing.  I got interested in the bible and read it for the first time when I was in my 30's, it's something I wouldn't have expected for myself.  I realized there's a lot of valuable teachings there.  Granted there was a process of figuring out what was useful and applying that to my life, but I think it has made a difference in my life and I have changed for the better.  I don't believe everything that's in the bible, but I definitely believe in Jesus's teachings. 

Would you be open to giving Christianity a try if you thought it could help your marriage?


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: mran12]
    #28223090 - 03/09/23 09:56 PM (10 months, 14 days ago)

Quote:

mran12 said:
I can understand your concerns about her interest in conspiracy theories, but I think the bible can be a good thing.  I got interested in the bible and read it for the first time when I was in my 30's, it's something I wouldn't have expected for myself.  I realized there's a lot of valuable teachings there.  Granted there was a process of figuring out what was useful and applying that to my life, but I think it has made a difference in my life and I have changed for the better.  I don't believe everything that's in the bible, but I definitely believe in Jesus's teachings. 

Would you be open to giving Christianity a try if you thought it could help your marriage?



I used to be raised as a Christian but in a liberal way. My parents always gave me the feeling that I am free to leave Christianity behind whenever I decide to do so, which I did in my early teen years. In the country I grew up in religion isn't an integral part of life. I agree there are good moral teachings when it comes to Jesus and I am sure he was a good man.

Never the less I have my issues with organized religions in general and I can't see that it changes, especially since I got my own little construct of how it works for me. I don't really want to call what I have a religion. Even to the word god I have a difficult relationship. I prefer universe or anything in that direction. I feel I have a direct connection to whatever that is and that a middleman or guidance in that matter doesn't make sense and rather makes it more likely that this middleman wants to push his/hers version of his or hers truth on me. So you see I don't see myself as an atheist in that sense.

I have an issue with what has been done in the name of religions. I feel every religion has a good core and they are similar in many ways. But people use the faith of others to reach their own goals. Wars have been fought in the name of religion. No one can tell me that this was the initial idea.
Different interest have been tried to push through in the name of religion. The bible for example leaves a lot of room for interpretation. Someone can just use it to tell you that abortion isn't right, gay people are bad and all that stuff. I don't know what Jesus would have said about that if he would know what happens these days in some parts of the world.

The bible has been rewritten many times and for a long time mostly monks were educated enough to read it till Martin Luther came along and translated it from latin for everyone to understand. I can imagine that much has been added or taken away over the millenia depending on how it seemed to make sense for the person who copied it at that time.

Speaking of Martin Luther. He was against a certain thing that was practised by the church back then. You probably know but amongst other things he had an issue with the following. "Wenn das Geld im Kasten klingt und die Seele von dem Fegefeuer in den Himmel springt." Which means as much as: "Once the coins fall into the box your soul will jump from hell to heaven." Back then is was common to "buy" yourself a ticket to heaven, if you knew you sinned.
And this is a good example for me what's still going on today. The Catholic church is quite wealthy for example. It seems to me that money plays a big part in organized religion.

Can you remember what the popes opinion of condoms is? In Afrika AIDS is a huge issue and telling these people (that are generally very religious) condoms are against the will of god isn't helping.

I can't imagine that god is a sentient being telling people what to do. We are all connected and each one of us is a part of "it". I can't imagine that god is angry and one should be affraid of it. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I apologize for this rant, but I am just listing the issues I have to make you understand where I am coming from. These examples are just the tip of the iceberg of the issues I have. The above is a brainstorm kind of thing.

My wife started to study the bible because the leader of connecting consciousness believes that there are 12 different alien races or so which are all governed by the thing called god. He claims there are slave races and so on. Pretty out there I find and astonishing that people buy into it other than taking that as entertainment or something alike. It would make a good sci-fi movie at best.
She looks for passages that you can interpretate or twist in a way that confirm that alien life has been on earth. (I think it's very likely that there is life in the universe other than on our planet by the way, but how would I know for sure that passages in the bible confirm an alien encounter?)

Remember the burning bush? If you really want to you can say this was actually an alien in disguise delivering a message. At the same time you could say it contained some psychoactive substance which when inhaled made it seem like it was talking. It's all about interpretation.
As a person that inhaled a lot of psychoactive substances I know how it can feel when an entity suddenly appears and has a message for me.

Getting back to Jesus's teachings. As mentioned above, I don't have a problem with that. At the same time I believe one can find these moral lessons anywhere else even in non religious children books. It's not the only truth out there.
If you really look hard enough you will see that you will find the answers to what's right and wrong within yourself. I think it's called natural law and this is what I followed. So far it worked for me.

I can't just scrap all of that and suddenly follow the Christian faith. I would be a hypocrite like I see a lot of people are just to fit in.
I can't just change like a chameleon just to remain a good husband to my wife. I am sure there are other ways to coexist.


Edited by Anonymous (03/09/23 10:06 PM)


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InvisibleLost at Sea
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28224101 - 03/10/23 05:16 PM (10 months, 13 days ago)

I agree that there are a lot of religious organizations/individuals who have twisted the Bible and Jesus teachings in order to gain profit or power over others who desire to do good and go to heaven, but the Bible clearly says the opposite...

"But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them."
Ephesians 2:4-10

To me, the Bible is more about having a deep connection to God, the Creator of all things, the Supreme Universal Power. And due to the selfish nature of humans that connection was severed so the Creator had itself have a son/become human, Jesus, to live and die which allowed humanity a door to go through so humans can be right and pure as the Creator is, so we can be connected to It once again. It's so fascinating and humbling and doesn't stop there because its a relationship and we all know relationships take time and patience working through things together, listening to one another, etc.

The aliens theory is an interesting one. There is scripture about us not being of this world because our home is Heaven, but I've never heard of the 12 alien races.

You make a lot of good points. Questioning isn't a bad thing. There's a local TV station here with a program called "Hard Questions" with a panel of pastors who answer questions like that... people call or write in with questions. And another that I like even better called Bible Discovery. Where they don't just study it but look into the culture and traditions of those days. Have you heard of any of those shows? I think they have youtube channels.

I hope you and your wife continue to move forward little by little, and that counseling helps guide and enlighten you both too. Good vibes


--------------------
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:thatsinteresting::thatsinteresting:

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28224769 - 03/11/23 07:35 AM (10 months, 13 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

Further up I mentioned that we met on NIN.com




I noticed that, and wondered if you were referring to Trent's band. I pondered if there is a dating site called, "Neurotics In Need".  Just looked it up.  I listened to a lot of Pretty Hate Machine in 1990.  I was working in a furniture store and my coworker would blast it in the back warehouse, where we'd assemble futons, tables, and chairs.  I saw NIN once in concert around 1993.  A wild show.  Marilyn Manson opened.

It was a dark and difficult time in my life. I shifted from listening to The Cure (Faith & Pornography era) to industrial groups such as Front Line Assembly, Ministry, KMFDM, White Zombie, Front 242, & the Revolting Cocks.

I hated Christianity when I was younger.  Now I feel fairly positive about the teachings of Christ.  I don't believe he intended to create an organization. I think Jesus would be horrified at many aspects of the bible, especially the Old Testament.  Much of it would make him roll over in his grave.   

I'm on board with embracing unconditional love & compassion for all beings. Yes, all beings. It's a radical idea. And the wisdom about avoiding judging others (which only compounds our suffering).  Ultimately, I believe that humans are the source of most of their own suffering. I love the concept of temptation.  To be human is to be tempted to cause suffering to ourselves and others (sin).  The voice in my head is frequently encouraging me to suffer.  Hell is not a painful torturous retirement home in the sky.  It's right here right now.

It was pulling me down . . .

I was up above it

Now I'm down in it


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28225737 - 03/11/23 09:35 PM (10 months, 12 days ago)

Thanks again guys.

I hoped things are turning for the better but it's probably been wishful thinking on my side. It seems like I am meant to go through this alone, but this thread has helped me to cope with the situation in a better way as if I would have bottled it all up.

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
I noticed that, and wondered if you were referring to Trent's band. I pondered if there is a dating site called, "Neurotics In Need".



This part was interesting for me to read and I understand that I probably come across as having neurotic personality traits. I probably do to a certain extend, but usually I am quite a positive person that is greatful to be alive. Things don't usually bother me as much as it appears here.

You got to understand that I am dealing with the prospect of basically loosing my children here. If this would be just about me and my wife, I'd be mature enough to accept the situation for what it is and move on.

My wife made clear that she would hate to move to my home country ("because they forced them to get the jaaaab there"), but she would, since she also thinks life is about suffering, which I think is BS.

She has sent me on a massive guilt trip. Besides the other things she accuses me of, I am suddenly also responsible for her having to work till 74, in case she wants a pension that'll make her get along. This is apparently because I haven't worked during the last 6 months (this is the time frame I would have been allowed to make money).
By the time she's 74 this country very likely won't be able to pay out pensions anyways.

I am obviously not happy and it shows here at home. For her it's the withdrawal symptoms of not smoking weed. I know how it feels like to go without weed for a while and this is definitely not it. But I realized that in her mind this is the cause and that there's not much I can do about it.

...like about all the other things she made up her mind about.
By now I feel like an empty vessel. The only times I find enjoyment in are the moments I spend time with my children, especially with my daughter since she's very clever for her age and has a beautiful sense of humor. Though it's also bittersweet spending time with her and my son, because the time I got with them is running thin. My flight to my home country is going by the end of the month.

Yesterday I my daughter asked me to take her to the nature reserve. While we were walking, which I really enjoyed, she found a flower, plucked out a petal and said "Dad, I wish for you to find happiness again." This was one of these bittersweet moments and I don't even want to think about the moment we say goodbye to each other at the airport.

The night before yesterday, I realized that no matter how much I try to fix things there's no way my wife is going to change her mind about me.
I fell asleep thinking about that and then I woke up in the middle of the night, at 2am thinking about that. Feeling empty and hopeless.
I got up, got dressed, put on my hiking boots, grabed a backpack with some water, left the house and started walking. You got to imagine that this country is comparable with mexico, in terms of criminal statistics and I was aware that this isn't probably the best idea. People get killed for a mobile phone over here. I didn't know what to do otherwise. Maybe I hoped this will give me a sense of control or anything like that.
I headed for the beach. I love to surf and the beach always allowed me to be in the present moment.
When I arrived, I sat down in the rain and just stared out the to the waves for about 3 hours, contemplating going into the water and just vanish. Of course I can't do that. It's selfish and not fair towards the people in my life that love me, but I don't know what else I can do.

I know I should seek professional help by now, but that would cost money and I don't want to be more of a financial burden than my wife makes me believe I already am.

Speaking of professional help, my wife hasn't made the appointment with a marriage counsellor as I believed, which shows a lot. I don't see any hope by now for us. I just go through the motions, till the day comes my flight is scheduled.


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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28226030 - 03/12/23 07:22 AM (10 months, 12 days ago)

Keep trying dude, don't give up. Is intimacy missing, are you two still doing it? If not it could be a reminder that sex is a glue that binds.

You might feel hurt as well as despondent by the things your wife has said, however I think it is good that she has had a chance to say what is on her mind and for you to digest the information. Likewise it is also good that you have your say and that your respond to the things she brings up.

Relationships are really hard work and in an ideal world a couple grow together over time while remaining separate individuals. Good relationships are like a fine wine that improves with age. If I were to guess I would say less than 10% of marriages have good relationships at its heart.


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Anonymous #5

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28226792 - 03/12/23 07:26 PM (10 months, 11 days ago)

I don't have much to add, my friend. However, I would like to say that l believe your wife may have narcissistic personality disorder. It's sort of a buzzword right now, and identifying narcissists is somewhat of an internet trend leading to over-and inaccurate-use of the term, but narcissism is a very real thing that can be difficult to spot in real world situations due to much of it being quite subtle.

For instance, your wife putting all the responsibility of repairing the relationship on you while doing very little herself. I bet if you were to look back on your relationship, you'd find many examples where she placed excess burden on you, which you likely took on for the sake of "doing the right thing". And situations like that are usually accompanied with guilt trips and general negative reinforcement to make one feel inferior if expectations aren't met. But try giving those same people some expectations to meet as well, and suddenly you're being too demanding :lol:

Also, does she seem at all concerned about the children? Not that staying together solely for the kids is ever a good idea, but she should still at least be expressing concern for their happiness during the changing times.

I'm speaking from experience. 15 years with a physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive controlling woman. But the mother of my son, so I stuck it out. I would always rationalize the abuse, whether physical or mental, feeling like I deserved it because I could do better. If I were better she would be happy and we wouldn't be having this fight, right? A good man spends every waking moment either working or doing what his wife wants, right?

Wrong.

In my case, she would never take any responsibility for any issues in our relationship, or in our lives in general. It would be as bad as me being held responsible for her getting up too late despite her setting multiple alarms.

Does your wife often accept responsibility, no matter how small? Does she make you feel loved?

You mentioned how you believe her idea of who you are is far different from who you actually are. Again, I can relate. And this tells me that she doesn't truly know you, she only knows you superficially. Does she make, or has she ever made, an effort to get to know YOU? Does she tend to be superficial and place a greater emphasis on appearance rather than the real, deeper things?

My psychedelic use was always used against me, too. A bad guy because I eat mushrooms. Never allowed to smoke DMT in my own home because she didn't like the smell. Yet she tried both things herself a couple of times, and to this days plays it off like she's "experienced" :lol:

I say all this to remind you that you should have expectations for her as well. Expectations that she should meet as your wife. Not demanding, misogynistic things, but fair and simple things, such as an effort on her part show that she cares and appreciates you.


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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28227377 - 03/13/23 07:21 AM (10 months, 11 days ago)

Anonymous #5, you make some relevant points & ask some pertinent questions :thumbup:

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:

I noticed that, and wondered if you were referring to Trent's band. I pondered if there is a dating site called, "Neurotics In Need".




This part was interesting for me to read and I understand that I probably come across as having neurotic personality traits.




I later feared you would take that comment personally. I was trying to lighten the mood a little. We are all neurotic. I was not referring to you. It was the only N word I could think of for my attempt at a tiny bit of humor. I guess I should have said "Neanderthals in Need". I don't find anything you said neurotic. I tend to stay far away from such labels. I find your comments quite reasonable. I apologize if you took the comment personally.   

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

You got to understand that I am dealing with the prospect of basically losing my children here.




I appreciate this agony.  I really do.

The best you can do is the best you can do. All you can do is try. I won't dribble on and on about fully accepting the reality of what is happening, but it might be helpful to think about this situation as similar to being in a wreck and finding yourself permanently paralyzed from the neck down or learning you have cancer and have 2 years to live.  And try not to be crushed and destroyed by what might happen. 

Your kids will benefit greatly if you can do it.


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Warrk]
    #28227798 - 03/13/23 01:09 PM (10 months, 11 days ago)

Thanks all for your input guys!  RJ, I didn't take that comment personal, I just pondered if you had a point, even though I was quite sure you didn't meant it in a personal way.

Today was a rough day and I need sleep but I will get back here to respond to you all tomorrow when I find a moment.


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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28239630 - 03/21/23 01:28 PM (10 months, 3 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

I am not in a good place. Just cut down my flowering cannabis plants, threw out jars of mushrooms, my dmt and mescaline extract.
These substances played a huge role in my life (in a spiritual way, not in a "I need to get my fix" kind of way), but my family is priority.







Substances come and go, but love is hard to find. 

One doesn't need substances to develop spiritually, once you get the call hang up the phone!

I have known people that were super kind and they attributed this to their psychedelic adventures but once they gave up consuming certain things in excess their lives improved immensely.

The dose makes the poison, some things which are good can be harmful if given to much attention, even drinking to much water can be harmful to our bodies and kill us but we need water more than we need food.  Life is strange sometimes.


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Lucis]
    #28244012 - 03/24/23 01:47 AM (10 months, 12 hours ago)

Anon 1, how is it going.  I just read the thread.  Very interesting.  I hope for your best, and fams best.  For now I wanted to leave the note, that kids sometimes can be very resilient.  The stuff mine, and myself, went through with their mom, who we haven't seen for almost 5 yrs now, was very hard.  Very sad and painful.  It's almost like losing someone in death, when they choose a path so dark that no one can follow.  My situation was very different than yours seems like, but the way children can grow despite it all is heartening. 

I wanted to ask you a question.  The religion aside, and the Simon Parks or alien stuff aside as well, do you think you are being a bit dismissive about her thoughts on the virus, the pandemic, the shots, "conspiracy theories" etc? You mentioned it a couple times though briefly. Would she be happy if you took up researching what has happened and what is going on with this whole situation?  If you acquainted yourself with the VAERS database from the CDC, and the VIGI access system from the WHO, as well as things being discussed currently by ex CDC director Robert Redfield for example, and also Texas A&M head cardiologist Peter Mccollough, as well as congressman Ron Johnson and his round table he led a while back, and of course AFLDA, Americas Frontline Doctors, you may find her interest piqued - as well as your own.  Look all of this up.  Dont use youtube or Google either for research, or any of the other big tech platforms.  Sad to say, but they wont allow much info.  You truly need to go straight to the sources. If she is on that path of learning, and you are not, and if you are dismissive over her concerns with this virus situation and the shots without being acquainted with this, I could see that being very frustrating for her.  I'm not absolving her of her other failings or needs for improvement and fairness, and certainly am not trivializing your others concerns, but maybe this could be a positive place to find connection if you do get well acquainted with the info. At least get informed on this if for no other reason than debate. Message me if you need any help or suggestions on this, or want to talk.

Now as far as Simon Parks.... the guy seems like a kook and a grifter in many ways.  Aside from if he is right or wrong about alien races, he seems like a major grifter.

Lastly, whatever happens..... dont think of yourself as a "video dad" if it does indeed happen that you all split and you go back across the pond.  Whatever happens make the absolute best light of it if possible! 

Just some thoughts, and a suggestion.  I wish you and fam the best.


--------------------
This was an experiment.


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Anonymous #6

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #28244066 - 03/24/23 04:44 AM (10 months, 9 hours ago)

this ain't no covid conspiracy thread dude take it elsewhere its bullshit


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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: DoneKildatReason] * 1
    #28244205 - 03/24/23 07:58 AM (10 months, 5 hours ago)

Quote:

DoneKildatReason said:

If she is on that path of learning, and you are not, and if you are dismissive over her concerns with this virus situation and the shots without being acquainted with this, I could see that being very frustrating for her.




It's amazing how intolerant many of us have become to opinions that differ from our own.  You make a good point using the term "dismissive".  Can we accept others opinions without demeaning the person? Can we avoid degrading name calling such as "conspiracy theorist"?  I've recently talked to people who believe in a flat earth, and I've decided they are allowed to believe what they want - without my ridicule and damnation. Why do we care so much about the opinions of others?  Are we terrified for some reason?


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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: RJ Tubs 202] * 2
    #28244245 - 03/24/23 08:26 AM (10 months, 5 hours ago)

The only problem I see, and this is attempting to be objective, not damning or necessarily any judgment fired.
If one simply "allows", by just accepting and moving on, ppl to believe or have opinions rooted in just any old quackery, without atleast trying to shed fact and substance to the ppl,  well that is fine and typically won't affect you, per se.
Ya know it's just some person I've met, they don't have any real role in my life that kind of deal, ofc why argue or engage.... BUt

Depending on the subject matter, can essentially be enabling delusion.(just like is possible with addiction)
With delusional thinking, ppls make bad decisions, bad decisions and acting often DO affect, those around them.. and it can even be viral to think this way(flat earthers getting together).

Does this difference always make me think delusion, no ofc not. Terrified, not so much.
However it can be a tiny bit scary thinking about delusional ie confusion ppl being a growing and rampant issue.
Just like Christianity r3ally

So I guess all of this is just me saying I think there is value in challenging CERTAIN opinions, but I can also do this without judgment or demeaning as well.
I've had a 2hr discussion with a county police officer(off duty at the time) abt drug legalization.
Clearly we were on opposing sides of opinion on the matter.
Yet discourse was easy, points were made, and each person's, opinion given due respect.
I feel this kind of discourse is harder for most ppl to participate in.
Communication is lacking.
Really we should all communicate more.
Instead of sneer, we should listen.
Instead of dismiss, try to respond.


--------------------
hmm...

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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28244829 - 03/24/23 02:28 PM (9 months, 30 days ago)

It's actually perfectly within reason to discuss this issue wherever its marks are found.  Look how it is affecting this young family.  This young man here is a good guy seems to me, regardless if I agree with whatever else it is clear he loves his kids, and family is most important. I know it can be an uncomfortable topic and tempting just to throw a blanket on it, or even give it the boot as you seem to prefer, but it must be worked through.  I am not suggesting you and I work through it, but OP and his wife.  I mentioned 4 or 5 specific points or places to begin research, none of which are conspiracy but "Horse's Mouths" sources, in an attempt to reestablish a connection or an understanding.  I have not validated them here, nor trying to change OPs mind or even flesh them out.  In trying not to derail the thread I offered a PM if anything further was needed as this is a fascinating topic! I'm suggesting that OP be able to say, "Darling, I watched the Dr Mccollough testify to congress, and it is so interesting what he said!  However, I think he is wrong because xyz," or, "Darling, the adverse reaction counts on VAERS is interesting, but when xyz is taken into account I dont find it concerning because xyz," or any other example of a debate.  I'm saying don't go in blind to a debate with someone who distrusts the covid narrative, alleging conspiracy etc, with no actual knowledge of what they are saying or what they've seen.  It is actually rude, and very small, very boring or common, and tiresome - especially if it's a husband or wife.... and it will not be your quick small words or stance to change their mind, but to push them further away.  Not what a couple wants to do I imagine.  Imagine how much of a turn off it would be to just have your growing concerns or beliefs trivialized and dismissed by your lover with such abruptness.  Now imagine they take the time to follow behind you for a time so to speak, and they find holes or missteps you made and bring them to your attention with love and respect, and maybe even bring you back from a skewed path.... now that's HAWT.🤣


--------------------
This was an experiment.


Edited by DoneKildatReason (03/24/23 03:05 PM)


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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #28244858 - 03/24/23 02:59 PM (9 months, 30 days ago)

Those are great questions and points, some I also wonder.  These times, with these issues, are truely mind blowing.  I would concur that it is better to realize that folks can believe what they want - and if anyone stands any chance of swaying another's opinion, whether it be towards or away from ideas either party deem as 'radical', then it is important to get acquainted with the points they are making, to understand where their 'belief' comes from, and not outright dismiss with a hand wave anything.  Maybe even trying to recreate their intellectual journey that brought them to a belief system. 

I will say, certain personality types have become quite authoritarian when it comes to information these days.  Alarming!!!!


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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: ashfiken]
    #28244876 - 03/24/23 03:19 PM (9 months, 30 days ago)

"Communication is lacking.
Really we should all communicate more.
Instead of sneer, we should listen.
Instead of dismiss, try to respond."

Well said, and I will add and reiterate that we should invest some personal time studying where why or how they came to whatever belief or concern in question.  Some would consider it "studying the doctrine of the enemy", which is a fine way to look at it as long as it gets you studying.  That kind of study will help you form ideas that are targeted to specific points giving strong swaying power. 

It's very often someone believes something, but cannot articulate to others why or how they've come to that belief - but they BELIEVE it very strongly.  Some even feel it in their gut.  Now whether they are correct or incorrect is up for debate, but the only chance for fruit in that debate is communication and an effort of finding info, and doing so with Love.  Not with an effort to stamp out or Win or be Right, but just simply because you love a person. 

Maybe with the average acquaintance or stranger this level of effort to gain understanding is unnecessary,  but with your Lover, there is no other way!


--------------------
This was an experiment.


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OfflineEnkidu
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Registered: 07/09/16
Posts: 10,698
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: DoneKildatReason] * 3
    #28245983 - 03/25/23 12:06 PM (9 months, 30 days ago)

Hope you're doing OK OP just know you aren't alone :heart:

Remember to breathe

Listen to some deepak chopra


--------------------
Within You , Without You


:mushroom2::levitate::mushroom2:


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Enkidu]
    #28264581 - 04/06/23 03:59 AM (9 months, 18 days ago)

Hi everyone, one month has passed since I started this thread and some time passed since I last posted here. I checked in from time to time, but haven't had the energy and time to respond/update.

First of all thank you all for listening and your input. I can't respond to each one individually, since I got a lot of stuff going on, but I really appreciate it. I hope you understand.
One thing I'd like to get of my chest though, before I get to how things look like right now (I kind of feel this thread might help me in the future to remember what happened. It became something like an interactive diary for me).

I want to stress that I respect other people's ideas and believes. However when their believes and ideas have a negative influence on other people's lives it's a problem in my eyes. The ideas and believes my wife developed during the last 2 years or so will potentially lead to me loosing access to my children or to an ugly court case. You surely can imagine that I got an issue with that.
Usually I am pretty open-minded. Skeptical, but still open-minded and accepting towards the views of others.

Here's where I stand now. I still haven't used any substance. Other than coffein, because you know that's what my wife uses, so it's ok to do so. Funny where people draw these lines hey?
Right now I am in my home country, separated from my children. I am here to sort out some logistical things that I can only sort out from here. Also it's a good thing to see my parents and brothers, who I haven't seen for 4 years because the pandemic made it impossible for me to visit them.  Soon I will go back to the country my children are right now. I will stay with them briefly till I got a flat and car. I already signed a work contract over there and will get a decent salary from the beginning of next month. Simultaneously I just had a job interview here in my home country, because it was our initial plan to move here with the whole family and it's maybe good to keep several doors open when it comes to a source of income.

I really miss my children, but my wife makes it very difficult for me to contact them via whatsapp video call. I try to call them once daily, but haven't spoken to them in two days, because my wife doesn't pick up her phone when I call and doesn't really respond to messages.

I gave up my dream to move to my home country and came up with a new solution of what I thought to be the best plan for each member of the family. We'll stay in my wife's home country, I'll work there and we'll have to pay quite a fortune for our kids to go to a private school. I will move out for a while to get a healthy distance from my wife and we talked about doing marriage counselling for the next 12 months or so and then reevaluate the situation. I would see my children once everyday, picking them up from home and bringing them to school. During the weekends I'd like to spend one day with them, taking them out to the beach, nature reserve, etc. That's basically the plan. It sounds reasonable to me.

However I don't really think that my wife and I will get anywhere in terms of our relationship.
Two days ago she sent a message to my mom telling her how I used her for the last two years, that I was on drugs the whole time and that as a result of my substance abuse my mind and brain has changed. Not mentioning that she has changed a lot herself. By now it seems that in her mind I have become the bad guy, being responsible for all the hardships in her life. I don't feel I used her in any way.

I think I haven't mentioned one important factor in this equation. Her mother lives with us owning most of the house. She's totally absorbed in conspiracy theories herself, sitting in front of her computer, watching youtube videos all day long and writing down her notes.
She never really accepted me as her son in law and we never really got along, but I kind of tolerated her, because she's my wife's mother and other than her mother my wife doesn't have a lot of family left. My wife and her have a codependent relationship and whatever her mother says is the law.
I get the idea that right now my wife gets influenced a lot in terms of the decisions she makes regarding our relationship. I have seen that happening in the past when it came to other issues my wife had.

How do I feel? Not too good. I cried a lot and lost a lot of weight. I feel scared that my kids will be taken away from me, that I'll loose contact to them despite all the efforts I made to make things better. I am also scared that my wife might influence how they look at me, that they'll grow up thinking their father was/is a junky just thinking of himself.
I want to contribute financially to my kids education, food and whatever they need. I don't mind staying out of my wife's face (in case I am really such a problem for her). But I want to be part of my children's lifes. I want to be there for them as I feel they need me and love me as much as I love them. I never had anyone looking up to me the way they do. There's a healthy bond between me and them and I wish I could keep it that way.
It all feels unfair and I don't think I deserve this.


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Offlineashfiken
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Registered: 09/06/06
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28264728 - 04/06/23 07:31 AM (9 months, 18 days ago)

You don't.
Relationships are hard af.
I'm sorry there are kids and the feelings involved with that, makes kt even more emotionally difficult.
Sounds like you are thinking str8.
Keep your head up, don't lose your goals of being there for your kids


--------------------
hmm...

"I'm naked and fearless... And my fear is naked."

"life isn't worth living without the threat of death"

"I got my plans in a ziploc bag, let's see how unproductive we can be"

"nobody lives their lives fully except for bull fighters"

My Trade List


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Posts: 5,327
Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28265942 - 04/06/23 06:55 PM (9 months, 17 days ago)

I am curious to how things are going?


--------------------
“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: loladoreen]
    #28266198 - 04/06/23 11:23 PM (9 months, 17 days ago)

Quote:

loladoreen said:
I am curious to how things are going?



I will have to wait and see. I don't really know how the kids are doing. Last night I received a short video. I felt they aren't happy/something is wrong, but they could have been just tired.
You see, I think about them a lot and sometimes I feel like I am going nuts or overanalyze the whole situation. That I read something in between the lines that actually isn't really there.

I have no clue what my wife plans or what she thinks about the whole situation as we haven't really talked to each other since I left, accept for organizing video calls between the children and I. I can only interpretate her actions and there's lots of room for misinterpretation.

What I know is that she and her mother talked for hours during the last few days I have been there. In the evening, when the kids slept, she would go over there and stay there for hours, which isn't part of her usual routine. My mother in law lives in a little flat on the property.

On the day my flight was scheduled to leave I wanted to do the online check-in and print out my tickets. As the only printer is owned by my mother in law I went there while she was going to the shops. I try to avoid my mother in law whenever I can, so I waited till she was gone. So I do my online check-in, but didn't want her to know I did, because I didn't ask and by now I feel I need to ask for allowance before I do the smallest thing.
That's why I decided to delete the browser history after I was done. That's how paranoid I got, so you see this whole thing is truely taking it's toll on my mind. I usually do not work like that... (this is also another good reason why I think it might be good to move out for a while)

Anyway it wasn't my intention to snoop around, but I saw what my mother in law was doing online on that very morning before she left. She visited pages of several divorce lawyers and even checked out information about debt collectors. I ask myself what business does she have getting involved in the first place and in which reality does she think I owe her any money? Even though I don't like her I did a lot of things for her over the years. As she never really liked me she might enjoy crushing me. She's a very toxic person, thriving on negativity, complaining about everything and nothing is ever good enough for her. Have you ever met a person that finds something negative in the most beautiful things? Or let's rather say looks for something negative in perfection? She's one of them. She's also the only human being in my life that I just can't stand being around.

So anyway, there's definitely something going on that I am not aware of. I might return home and there will be papers waiting to get signed. Maybe not.
In case of a divorce my permanent residence permit that I received only recently will be scrapped and I will be forced to leave the country.
In about a week I will know.

For now I just hope the time till I see my children again will go by fast. As you can imagine this whole thing is definitely not good for them. For me it's all about getting them through this with the least amount of damage.
I wish things could go back to normal, but I don't think that's possible anymore at this stage.


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OfflineTrancedOutBrah
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28298257 - 04/27/23 11:36 PM (8 months, 27 days ago)

No offense but your wife sounds like my ex fiancee and its the reason why I ended up leaving her.

If you give up everything you love just for her to shit on you, she isn't a good wife anyway.


--------------------
Lead by example, words mean little when your actions don't reflect what you say.

Spread kindness, love, empathy, compassion.

Learn from mistakes. Try and do better. Each day is a new day, try to make it a better one.

Coconut and Avocado is awesome for the skin.

MIND OVER MATTER

:mushroom2::lsd:


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28299138 - 04/28/23 04:56 PM (8 months, 26 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Quote:

loladoreen said:
I am curious to how things are going?



I will have to wait and see. I don't really know how the kids are doing. Last night I received a short video. I felt they aren't happy/something is wrong, but they could have been just tired.
You see, I think about them a lot and sometimes I feel like I am going nuts or overanalyze the whole situation. That I read something in between the lines that actually isn't really there.

I have no clue what my wife plans or what she thinks about the whole situation as we haven't really talked to each other since I left, accept for organizing video calls between the children and I. I can only interpretate her actions and there's lots of room for misinterpretation.

What I know is that she and her mother talked for hours during the last few days I have been there. In the evening, when the kids slept, she would go over there and stay there for hours, which isn't part of her usual routine. My mother in law lives in a little flat on the property.

On the day my flight was scheduled to leave I wanted to do the online check-in and print out my tickets. As the only printer is owned by my mother in law I went there while she was going to the shops. I try to avoid my mother in law whenever I can, so I waited till she was gone. So I do my online check-in, but didn't want her to know I did, because I didn't ask and by now I feel I need to ask for allowance before I do the smallest thing.
That's why I decided to delete the browser history after I was done. That's how paranoid I got, so you see this whole thing is truely taking it's toll on my mind. I usually do not work like that... (this is also another good reason why I think it might be good to move out for a while)

Anyway it wasn't my intention to snoop around, but I saw what my mother in law was doing online on that very morning before she left. She visited pages of several divorce lawyers and even checked out information about debt collectors. I ask myself what business does she have getting involved in the first place and in which reality does she think I owe her any money? Even though I don't like her I did a lot of things for her over the years. As she never really liked me she might enjoy crushing me. She's a very toxic person, thriving on negativity, complaining about everything and nothing is ever good enough for her. Have you ever met a person that finds something negative in the most beautiful things? Or let's rather say looks for something negative in perfection? She's one of them. She's also the only human being in my life that I just can't stand being around.

So anyway, there's definitely something going on that I am not aware of. I might return home and there will be papers waiting to get signed. Maybe not.
In case of a divorce my permanent residence permit that I received only recently will be scrapped and I will be forced to leave the country.
In about a week I will know.

For now I just hope the time till I see my children again will go by fast. As you can imagine this whole thing is definitely not good for them. For me it's all about getting them through this with the least amount of damage.
I wish things could go back to normal, but I don't think that's possible anymore at this stage.




It sounds like you are in a different place in your life. It honestly sounds like you are doing ok despite what is going on.
Question yourself on why you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Her actions sound like she doesn't.
I hope you do well. I am so glad you updated and that you are adjusting and surviving and soon to be thriving :smile:


--------------------
“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: loladoreen]
    #28460386 - 09/06/23 08:47 AM (4 months, 20 days ago)

Quote:

loladoreen said:
It sounds like you are in a different place in your life. It honestly sounds like you are doing ok despite what is going on.
Question yourself on why you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Her actions sound like she doesn't.
I hope you do well. I am so glad you updated and that you are adjusting and surviving and soon to be thriving :smile:




Thanks Loladoreen, I hope I'll be thriving again soon.

Here's a little update, 130 days later. I am not sure if it's truely relevant (I was asked by the shroomery bot if it is), but I guess I will post anyway. I need to vent.

I've gone through a rough time the last couple of months. I don't know if I mentioned, but I got kicked out of the house, lived in airbnbs for a while like a nomad and then finally found a flat I could move into.
All while I tried my best to make things right between my wife and I by going to couples counseling, live up to the best version of myself and even talking to my wife's pastor.

Haven't smoked weed still and tested negative twice in front of my wife. I don't even really miss getting stoned in the evenings except on days like this one... Still doing well at my job and even got a nice car now.

I have been served with a divorce summons a few months back, which is currently "put on ice" while we're busy getting our shit together, which kind of seems hopeless at this stage.

I see my children daily, when I fetch them from school and drop them off at my wife's place. I also spend time with them on weekends. However in case of a divorce I'll need to leave the country and will be alienated from my children. I try to live in the moment and enjoy each and every second I got with them.

I am tired. I don't know what's going to happen next. It feels like I can't go on like this much longer, but at the same time I know I have to.
Putting on a smile on my face for my clients, co-workers, friends and family members overseas, each and every day, just so they think I am alright is kind of exhausting.


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Invisibleloladoreen
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Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28460536 - 09/06/23 12:42 PM (4 months, 20 days ago)

I am so happy that you updated :smile:

Sounds like you are doing things to get your family back together. Is that still what you want?


--------------------
“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”


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Anonymous #1

Re: I just quit all psychedelics and weed for good to save my marriage [Re: loladoreen]
    #28461500 - 09/07/23 12:39 PM (4 months, 19 days ago)

It would be best for each family member if we could get back together. Especially for our kids. It would be better in many different ways. Primarily I would like to spend as much time as possible with my children. They need me and I need them. It just feels wrong to be apart.

I worked a lot to create some sort of common ground which we could use as a foundation to rebuild our relationship, but it pretty much feels like I am the only one doing the work. There's nothing coming from her side that would give me hope really.

It's like she actually doesn't want me back, be it consciously or subconsciously. She's just going through the motions. I think she feels like she needs a good reason to go forward with the divorce process and currently there's none other than just being tired of me.

I am aware that I would sacrifice a lot of my persona in order to reunite with the family, but the alternatives seem far worse and I would be willing to make that sacrifice.


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