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Anonymous #1

Coworker/friend was violated
    #28185295 - 02/13/23 10:49 AM (11 months, 8 days ago)

So as my title says, my coworker was violated by someone.
We’ve grown to become good friends.  We work in the service industry and the person who violated her works across the street at another restaurant.  Don’t know what to do.  She is vehement that I do nothing.  I drove her home yesterday and the guy who did this saw us leave and texted her which brought this story to light.  She wouldn’t say what he did, except that he was grossly inappropriate with her. 

We work on a busy street with a clientele of young professionals, I’d say the predominant demographic is 25-35 year olds, and this guy works security at the other job.  She suggested she’s seen him do other things to another girl too that were sus. 

Idk what to do.  I don’t think this guy should be at that position because he’s a predator and probably taking advantage of drunk girls regularly.  Also did something to my coworker tho she wouldn’t exactly what and threw that on me when I got mad saying “you don’t even know what he did so you can’t say anything,” but she clearly implied he went too far sexually. 

Shit is crazy to me.  On one level I want to respect her wishes because she told me that in confidence.  On another level, that guy needs to get handled asap.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28185363 - 02/13/23 11:31 AM (11 months, 8 days ago)

Sounds like the bar right off of venice beach where the social networks are. It's like a vampire hangout how they be getting raped out of it. Cops just watch and beat off.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #28185475 - 02/13/23 01:02 PM (11 months, 8 days ago)

It’s sickening.  Other people at my restaurant know about it as well and no one has done anything.  This happened a month ago.  She said she will handle it when she wants to and leave it at that but it seems to me nothing is being done. 

Both restaurants are longstanding businesses on the block and have a good relationship with each outside of this incident and I think it’s crazy that nothings being done.  I feel like I’d be out of line bringing this to light but I also think someone has to if she won’t because he’s still working there and probably preying on other girls.


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Anonymous #3

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28185795 - 02/13/23 04:47 PM (11 months, 7 days ago)

So set him up, have some hottie pretend to get drunk and see what happens,record, involve the pigs, whatever but just remember it's better to regret what you did in this situation than to regret what you didn't do.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #28185860 - 02/13/23 05:16 PM (11 months, 7 days ago)

Jump the shit out of him and tell him it's for being a creep in general terms. She wants something done about it, she just doesn't want it coming back to her.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #28186235 - 02/13/23 08:59 PM (11 months, 7 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #3 said:
So set him up, have some hottie pretend to get drunk and see what happens,record, involve the pigs, whatever but just remember it's better to regret what you did in this situation than to regret what you didn't do.



Good stuff

Quote:

Anonymous #4 said:
Jump the shit out of him and tell him it's for being a creep in general terms. She wants something done about it, she just doesn't want it coming back to her.



True.


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Anonymous #5

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28186481 - 02/14/23 12:21 AM (11 months, 7 days ago)

So you should definitely fuck up his car right away. Then you could encourage her to go to the police sure. They might have her sit in a room with a detective and have her call him try to get him to talk about it. If he admitted to something they might prosecute or and then he at least be a known sex offender. Do not expect real justice though. If you go that route, first you get his full name, birth date, address, license plate number.

The only way for there to be real justice in this situation is if everyone involved came out better than before it happened. There is an opportunity for healing. There are no systems for it most places outside of Canada. He should want to be in debt to her, he should want to not be a piece of shit. Getting him to see the light will be the expensive part. If you can kidnap him and hold him captive while forcing him into several sessions of intensive therapies every week without getting caught I'd say that's the best option. Bonus points if you can make him cry and beg for his life. Get creative, have fun with it. Remember that you are making the world a better place and it is OK to smile :smile:


Edited by Anonymous (02/14/23 08:50 PM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #28193603 - 02/18/23 08:04 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

To give something of an update and just express myself to someone, she hasn’t talked to me since she told me that story last Sunday.  Today was the first day I saw her and she avoided me the entire time we were together.  Not one word spoken between us. 

I was hoping she’d be cordial with me today and I could maybe get her to tell me exactly what he did to her, but she did her best to not make eye contact with me so I let it be like that.

Reason I want to know exactly what he did is because when we were going back and forth last week she kinda threw it at me like, “you can’t even say what he did to me therefore you shouldn’t do anything in this situation.”  It’s clear to me he did something but it’s true that I don’t know what.

I plan on checking his place out tomorrow to get a feel for the scene and to get some type of inspiration for my alibi as to why I act like I do when I do so as to not use her in it but it seems like I’m going to be putting a target on my back when I do this and I don’t know if I have anyone covering me.  Our restaurant managements are close n I’m gonna be starting shit w one of their employees. 

At this point I don’t even know if she’d have my back when shit hits the fan.  Even tho I don’t know, I would be shocked if she didn’t have my back and at least told her story to our management if it got to the point where they were going to reprimand me at work.

I’m not too clever of a person nor do I have a great network to help me with something like this so doing this job without coming off as the aggressor seems next to impossible, also considering there’s cameras everywhere. 

I think I’m willing to risk whatever the consequences are because this hasn’t left me since she told me.  Everyday I have a sense of rage throughout the day and a desire to do something.  Not knowing definitively gives me some sense of doubt, as if maybe I am overreacting.  The writing seems to be on the wall tho and I also feel like I’d be in denial/choosing to do nothing by entertaining that doubt. 

I would love to know if he’s still texting her.  I have no reason to believe he stopped but knowing that would urge me to break his face asap.  It just sucks she completely tuned me out of her life after bringing me that far into it with that story. 

Idk, perspectives would be appreciated.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28193609 - 02/18/23 08:08 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Never risk your dignity over a woman’s word

Without evidence you should just move on...


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Anonymous #1

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28193627 - 02/18/23 08:23 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Yes that sounds like excellent advice, but the writing is on the wall.  The people at my restaurant often hang out there and she  was one of them that would often hang out there.  She won’t go there anymore.  When I took her home last week, we walked past that restaurant and the dude in question was outside and saw us.  He texted her saying, “you funny.”  She showed me another text he sent before that and the way he talks to her suggests to me he’s a pos and doesn’t respect her. 

I’ve known her for years and I believe there’s no reason why she’d make this up and act like this with me now. The only thing that makes sense to me is that he did violate her.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28193638 - 02/18/23 08:27 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Doesn’t have to be made up, some people perceive things as an insult, clearly she thinks it’s bad enough to share with you but not bad enough to give full detail.

Maybe she knows it was insignificant or no big deal but just wants a moment to feel like it was by sharing it with you.

If he committed a crime encourage her to go to the police, if she doesn’t I would assume she doesn’t think it was a crime and therefor is being blown out of proportion.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28193713 - 02/18/23 09:04 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Thanks for replying. You might be right.  I hope this is all blown out of proportion.  If it’s not tho, cops probably aren’t going to be helpful considering this happened a month ago.  Either way, I have to communicate w her and go from there.


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Anonymous #7

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28193720 - 02/18/23 09:12 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

A lot of women choose not to go to the police because it's unlikely anything will happen anyways.

All a defense attorney has to do is rattle her well enough while she is reliving this traumatic event in front of a room full of people that one member of a jury isn't 100% convinced this guy did what she says he did.

I am friends with a sexual assault nurse examiner. She said that in her training, she learned a mere 1% of the cases she completes will  be prosecuted.

OP, have you considered that she told you because she needed a friend, but she won't give you further details because she's afraid you're going to make a bad situation worse for her?

Perhaps she does not want to be repeatedly re-traumatized by telling her story again and again to you, the police and then possibly a courtroom full of people?

Maybe she does not want to go through all of that for nothing?


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Anonymous #6

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #28193727 - 02/18/23 09:19 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Another very plausible scenario
Good outlook!


Sometimes the saving a woman needs is the listening ear and a shoulder to lean on.

Save this kind of energy for a defensive occasion, otherwise your crusade appears to be offensive and you will find yourself doing something you regret.




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Anonymous #1

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #7] * 1
    #28193746 - 02/18/23 09:30 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #7 said:
A lot of women choose not to go to the police because it's unlikely anything will happen anyways.

All a defense attorney has to do is rattle her well enough while she is reliving this traumatic event in front of a room full of people that one member of a jury isn't 100% convinced this guy did what she says he did.

I am friends with a sexual assault nurse examiner. She said that in her training, she learned a mere 1% of the cases she completes will  be prosecuted.

OP, have you considered that she told you because she needed a friend, but she won't give you further details because she's afraid you're going to make a bad situation worse for her?

Perhaps she does not want to be repeatedly re-traumatized by telling her story again and again to you, the police and then possibly a courtroom full of people?

Maybe she does not want to go through all of that for nothing?



Yea I get where you’re coming from but don’t you think it could also be traumatic having the guy who did violate you being literally a few steps away from you on any given day because you work right next to one another?  She could look out the window and see her attacker at any given time during her shift or when she’s hanging out not working.  He comes in to our restaurant too.  Like the dude can probably sees her leave every night.  Or the fact he still texts her.  All that isn’t traumatic? 

She told other people already.  I’m maybe the 4th person at my work who knows.  Nobody is doing anything about this.  I don’t feel like I can even talk to them about it because she told me t not tell anyone.  People still hang out there and they still invite her knowing that happened and she won’t go because of it. 

Doing nothing does nothing for her.  Doing nothing also does a disservice to whoever he violates next.  The op details the block we work on and the clientele we get.  He could be violating wasted girls damn near every night. 

As of now I don’t know, but if it is anywhere around what I’m thinking, doing nothing is pretty much being complicit with evil.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28193766 - 02/18/23 09:39 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

THANK YOU
We need people like you
Unfortunately I believe women are to accustomed to this. And sometimes we don't realize how wrong it is because it happens so frequently UNTIL someone says that is not ok
Id make a police report


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Anonymous #8

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28193774 - 02/18/23 09:41 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #6 said:
Never risk your dignity over a woman’s word

Without evidence you should just move on...




What a disturbing comment


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Anonymous #8

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #28193775 - 02/18/23 09:42 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #7 said:
A lot of women choose not to go to the police because it's unlikely anything will happen anyways.

All a defense attorney has to do is rattle her well enough while she is reliving this traumatic event in front of a room full of people that one member of a jury isn't 100% convinced this guy did what she says he did.

I am friends with a sexual assault nurse examiner. She said that in her training, she learned a mere 1% of the cases she completes will  be prosecuted.

OP, have you considered that she told you because she needed a friend, but she won't give you further details because she's afraid you're going to make a bad situation worse for her?

Perhaps she does not want to be repeatedly re-traumatized by telling her story again and again to you, the police and then possibly a courtroom full of people?

Maybe she does not want to go through all of that for nothing?




FACTS


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Anonymous #8

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28193780 - 02/18/23 09:44 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #7 said:
A lot of women choose not to go to the police because it's unlikely anything will happen anyways.

All a defense attorney has to do is rattle her well enough while she is reliving this traumatic event in front of a room full of people that one member of a jury isn't 100% convinced this guy did what she says he did.

I am friends with a sexual assault nurse examiner. She said that in her training, she learned a mere 1% of the cases she completes will  be prosecuted.

OP, have you considered that she told you because she needed a friend, but she won't give you further details because she's afraid you're going to make a bad situation worse for her?

Perhaps she does not want to be repeatedly re-traumatized by telling her story again and again to you, the police and then possibly a courtroom full of people?

Maybe she does not want to go through all of that for nothing?



Yea I get where you’re coming from but don’t you think it could also be traumatic having the guy who did violate you being literally a few steps away from you on any given day because you work right next to one another?  She could look out the window and see her attacker at any given time during her shift or when she’s hanging out not working.  He comes in to our restaurant too.  Like the dude can probably sees her leave every night.  Or the fact he still texts her.  All that isn’t traumatic? 

She told other people already.  I’m maybe the 4th person at my work who knows.  Nobody is doing anything about this.  I don’t feel like I can even talk to them about it because she told me t not tell anyone.  People still hang out there and they still invite her knowing that happened and she won’t go because of it. 

Doing nothing does nothing for her.  Doing nothing also does a disservice to whoever he violates next.  The op details the block we work on and the clientele we get.  He could be violating wasted girls damn near every night. 

As of now I don’t know, but if it is anywhere around what I’m thinking, doing nothing is pretty much being complicit with evil.




Your a good person. And there are a lot people that are like you.
Don't put yourself in the way of getting criminal charges.
What your doing... can literally save a life. Being violated haunts you and many end up in addiction, or dead. And he wont stop unless stopped in fact he will get bolder and bolder


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Anonymous #6

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8] * 1
    #28193787 - 02/18/23 09:48 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

That’s rude.

I have known two men in my life who were sent to jail wrongfully by women lying, I have seen even more who ended up in jail trying to defend a woman's honor based on misunderstandings/exaggerations and I have even seen one man die after being pushed to “defend” his woman physically against a lunatic.

If a crime was committed, encourage her to go to the law, you do not even know if a crime was committed or what the offense was.

He could have just said something inappropriate or hugged her when he thought it was ok and she thought it wasn’t.

Don’t assume guilt, don’t encourage a witch hunt, don’t make her problem worse.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28193808 - 02/18/23 09:59 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #6 said:
That’s rude.

I have known two men in my life who were sent to jail wrongfully by women lying, I have seen even more who ended up in jail trying to defend a woman's honor based on misunderstandings/exaggerations and I have even seen one man die after being pushed to “defend” his woman physically against a lunatic.

If a crime was committed, encourage her to go to the law, you do not even know if a crime was committed or what the offense was.

He could have just said something inappropriate or hugged her when he thought it was ok and she thought it wasn’t.

Don’t assume guilt, don’t encourage a witch hunt, don’t make her problem worse.



"Don't put yourself in the way of getting criminal charges."
Earlier I also said go to the law.
Emotional support is so important
what part was rude?
The other person was completely spot on- FACTS that majority do not get arrested.
You need sperm
Your friends did not get arrested on he said she said unless it was before the 2000"s


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Anonymous #6

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #28193824 - 02/18/23 10:05 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

So what? You think criminal activity has some sort of expiration date?

It’s still going on... why would it stop?


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Anonymous #7

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28193832 - 02/18/23 10:11 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #7 said:
A lot of women choose not to go to the police because it's unlikely anything will happen anyways.

All a defense attorney has to do is rattle her well enough while she is reliving this traumatic event in front of a room full of people that one member of a jury isn't 100% convinced this guy did what she says he did.

I am friends with a sexual assault nurse examiner. She said that in her training, she learned a mere 1% of the cases she completes will  be prosecuted.

OP, have you considered that she told you because she needed a friend, but she won't give you further details because she's afraid you're going to make a bad situation worse for her?

Perhaps she does not want to be repeatedly re-traumatized by telling her story again and again to you, the police and then possibly a courtroom full of people?

Maybe she does not want to go through all of that for nothing?



Yea I get where you’re coming from but don’t you think it could also be traumatic having the guy who did violate you being literally a few steps away from you on any given day because you work right next to one another?  She could look out the window and see her attacker at any given time during her shift or when she’s hanging out not working.  He comes in to our restaurant too.  Like the dude can probably sees her leave every night.  Or the fact he still texts her.  All that isn’t traumatic? 

She told other people already.  I’m maybe the 4th person at my work who knows.  Nobody is doing anything about this.  I don’t feel like I can even talk to them about it because she told me t not tell anyone.  People still hang out there and they still invite her knowing that happened and she won’t go because of it. 

Doing nothing does nothing for her.  Doing nothing also does a disservice to whoever he violates next.  The op details the block we work on and the clientele we get.  He could be violating wasted girls damn near every night. 

As of now I don’t know, but if it is anywhere around what I’m thinking, doing nothing is pretty much being complicit with evil.





I'm not saying that seeing someone who assaulted you regularly isn't traumatic. 8t absolutely is.

Legally and statistically, the odds won't be in her favor if she does anything involving law enforcement at this point, so after she reports him and nothing happens, he will likely continue on being a piece of shit and he also may come back and hurt her worse than he already has.

If you choose to do something to this guy short of killing him, he may also come back and hurt her even worse than he already has.

If you do decide to handle this personal matter of hers in a way that she has asked you not to, you will not be within your rights to expect her to risk her own safety to protect you.

It is also possible, if he is still texting her, that she is planning to attempt him to admit what uebhasbdone via text so thatbshebdoes have a case should she bring it to the police. Otherwise it's his word against hers.

I can appreciate what you are trying to do, and what you want to do. I really can. Bit it's not up to you to decide what is the most traumatic outcome for your friend, or what she should do, or how she should handle this.

Most of us are assaulted by someone we know, as opposed to complete strangers. These situations are typically far more complicated than outsiders would realize, and bu the sounds of it you don't have all the details.

It's shitty this guy is still upright and sucking air. It is. But maybe all of the people who know about this should focus on supporting your friend by asking her what she needs to navigate this situation.

Maybe it's to talk. Or someone to walk her to her car after work. Or permission to call even if it's late. Or distraction. Or to check in on her to ask how she is feeling.

If your knee jerk reaction is to tell her what she should do instead of ask her what you can do to he supportive, she will lilely pull away and isolate.

The best thing you can do is to be a friend. Understand that you cant understand what she is dealing with, and ask how what she needs from you to feel supported.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28193837 - 02/18/23 10:13 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

I think i am confused or need to go back and read.

Do I think men will stop being falsely accused? no
Do I think men will stop sexually assaulting women? no
Both are problems.

Facts are.. men do not get prosecuted without evidence.

Unfortunately men can potentially have their lives destroyed over lives. I have seen this up close and personal. It is awful.
I also have sat with many rape vicitms, as young as 10 years old.
Also awful.
SO probably best he contact the authorities, like I suggested. And not put himself in harms way. But instead be a source of emotional support if needed.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #28193873 - 02/18/23 10:35 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

It’s best he allow her to make that decision for herself.

He did not witness a crime, he doesn’t even know what the supposed crime is, she went out of her way to make sure of that.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28193904 - 02/18/23 10:50 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

He can support her.
And encourage her to go.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #28193914 - 02/18/23 10:58 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Exactly what I said


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Anonymous #7

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #28193915 - 02/18/23 10:58 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #8 said:

Facts are.. men do not get prosecuted without evidence.




Just a friendly reminder that even with evidence, the prosecution may well result in nothing more than a slap on the wrist.

Brock Turner got 6 months.

This article is about a teenager who video taped himself assaulting a girl and was not tried as an adult because he "came from a good family." https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/02/nyregion/judge-james-troiano-rape.html

The article also reports a 16 year old boy raping a girl and was also not tried as an adult for rape because the girl did not suffer "aside from losing her virginity." As if anybody gets to say how much suffering a rape caused a victim.

Another https://www.fox26houston.com/news/father-calls-out-judge-for-giving-daughters-rapist-a-light-sentence

Here's  3 years for multiple sexual
assaults

https://www.abcactionnews.com/news/national/light-sentence-for-man-convicted-of-sexual-assaults-stalking-while-at-wisconsin-college-draws-ire


4 months for rape
https://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-rape-sentence-nolan-bruder-20170525-htmlstory.html

I could keep going but...you guys get the picture.

If a rapist pleads guilty to rape and waives his right to a jury trial, he may not see a day prison if the judge is a piece of shit and the defense attorney is good at their job. This means that depending on the demographics of where we live it may not do us any good to report rape anyhow.  Going through the invasive exam which takes several hours, re-telling the story again and again just for your rapist to do 100 days in county and go right back at it and possibly murder you when he gets out isn't always worth it.

I'm just trying to offer some perspective here.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #28193922 - 02/18/23 11:03 PM (11 months, 2 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #7 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #8 said:

Facts are.. men do not get prosecuted without evidence.




Just a friendly reminder that even with evidence, the prosecution may well result in nothing more than a slap on the wrist.

Brock Turner got 6 months.

This article is about a teenager who video taped himself assaulting a girl and was not tried as an adult because he "came from a good family." https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/02/nyregion/judge-james-troiano-rape.html

The article also reports a 16 year old boy raping a girl and was also not tried as an adult for rape because the girl did not suffer "aside from losing her virginity." As if anybody gets to say how much suffering a rape caused a victim.

Another https://www.fox26houston.com/news/father-calls-out-judge-for-giving-daughters-rapist-a-light-sentence

Here's  3 years for multiple sexual
assaults

https://www.abcactionnews.com/news/national/light-sentence-for-man-convicted-of-sexual-assaults-stalking-while-at-wisconsin-college-draws-ire


4 months for rape
https://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-rape-sentence-nolan-bruder-20170525-htmlstory.html

I could keep going but...you guys get the picture.

If a rapist pleads guilty to rape and waives his right to a jury trial, he may not see a day prison if the judge is a piece of shit and the defense attorney is good at their job. This means that depending on the demographics of where we live it may not do us any good to report rape anyhow.  Going through the invasive exam which takes several hours, re-telling the story again and again just for your rapist to do 100 days in county and go right back at it and possibly murder you when he gets out isn't always worth it.

I'm just trying to offer some perspective here.




In complete agreeance with you


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Anonymous #1

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #28197464 - 02/21/23 01:07 PM (11 months, 3 hours ago)

I appreciate everyone’s contribution to this thread.  I told her I’d drop my stance.  She basically said thank you.  I guess we’re technically ok now, but I feel like our relationship is damaged.  I have a hard time seeing our friendship get back to where it was.  At this point I’m going to continue to give her space and based on the fact she wouldn’t make eye contact with me last week, feels like this friendship is damaged beyond repair.  Sucks.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28197482 - 02/21/23 01:25 PM (11 months, 2 hours ago)

She is not a victim unless she identifies as one, she may have been wronged but she doesn’t want to be a victim, let her get through it how she wants unless she asks for help... it’s your job as a friend to listen to them, hear them and then make things feel normal again. You don’t need to fix it, you don’t need to seek justice, you just gotta be you and be there for her.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28197506 - 02/21/23 01:39 PM (11 months, 2 hours ago)

That’s not entirely true imo if he’s in a position to continue taking advantage of drunk girls I think it’d be terrible to just be quiet because I don’t want to upset my friend.  At this point idk if anything criminal even happened so I’m presuming him innocent.  Maybe something happened but maybe it didn’t.  Idk.  Done with this whole thing.


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Anonymous #9

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28197846 - 02/21/23 05:48 PM (10 months, 30 days ago)

Don't throw your life away for her.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28197965 - 02/21/23 06:58 PM (10 months, 30 days ago)

Your a good person
your intentions are good
follow your good intentions

I hope none of you have someone in their life that needs help
some of these answers are cold and very rape culture responses.
....
he wants to be a pillar of support to her
thats it.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
    #28197969 - 02/21/23 06:59 PM (10 months, 30 days ago)

Mod edit:

DO NOT DERAIL THIS THREAD WITH DIRECT INFIGHTING ABOUT OTHERS OPINIONS.




Edited by george castanza (02/22/23 08:29 AM)


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Anonymous #3

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #28198795 - 02/22/23 09:03 AM (10 months, 30 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I appreciate everyone’s contribution to this thread.  I told her I’d drop my stance.  She basically said thank you.  I guess we’re technically ok now, but I feel like our relationship is damaged.  I have a hard time seeing our friendship get back to where it was.  At this point I’m going to continue to give her space and based on the fact she wouldn’t make eye contact with me last week, feels like this friendship is damaged beyond repair.  Sucks.




You do recognize that there is a public interest in investigating this individual for what you presume to be felonies. This demonstrates your heart is definitely in the right place, however with that being said you haven't even really been presented with any evidence by "her" that anything really happened.

As far as she goes, I wouldn't mention it to her again. I think if you just give it some time and ignore her your relationship will normalize.

Also there is a lot of negative speculation that I wont go into, other than to say that considering all the possibilities of the truth of the matter means considering unfavorable possibilities too.

Reporting suspicion of creepy asshole that gets chicks drunk and possibly rapes them to the police is an effort in utterly useless activity because depending on where you live, that asshole could likely be an off duty cop. Pigs are well known for rape themselves.

Many psychopaths seek out jobs in civil service to gain an advantage on prospective victims.

I understand that you want to do something about the situation and I would like to encourage you to go about it in the proper way.

You could seek out a smaller or underground rape advocate group, for example for a while, there was this 16 year old kid getting pedophiles to meet up with him, then he had a bunch of friends with cameras roll up on the guy after he met up with the kid and stated his intentions, he got a couple people in trouble and shamed them on YouTube, but like has already been stated, its catch and release for most all sexual offenders.

Keep your eye on the guy and remember that some of us appreciate your interest in harm reduction.


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Anonymous #8

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #28198836 - 02/22/23 09:27 AM (10 months, 30 days ago)

I appreciate it
And 100% agree with persons in authoritative positions being rapists, like police officers, teachers, correctional officers, etc.


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Anonymous #10

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #28202418 - 02/24/23 11:58 AM (10 months, 28 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #6 said:
Doesn’t have to be made up, some people perceive things as an insult, clearly she thinks it’s bad enough to share with you but not bad enough to give full detail.

Maybe she knows it was insignificant or no big deal but just wants a moment to feel like it was by sharing it with you.

If he committed a crime encourage her to go to the police, if she doesn’t I would assume she doesn’t think it was a crime and therefor is being blown out of proportion.




No, this is stupid.

If it is traumatic that is a reason she finds it hard to say. Many victims of severe trauma eg child abuse don't talk about it until years later. Does that mean they weren't abused because they didn't speak up at the time? Often being in that situation is what causes people not to speak.

In terms of 'going to the police': Did you know that 95% of rapes reported to the police are not investigated at all? That's right, not just assault but rape, and 95% who report it are told there's not enough evidence, etc and to drop it and let it go. The reason things like this are not reported is because the interview involves officers just trying to break down the one reporting as opposed to investigating.

Quote:

Anonymous #6 said:
I have known two men in my life who were sent to jail wrongfully by women lying,
If a crime was committed, encourage her to go to the law, you do not even know if a crime was committed or what the offense was.

He could have just said something inappropriate or hugged her when he thought it was ok and she thought it wasn’t.

Don’t assume guilt, don’t encourage a witch hunt, don’t make her problem worse.




And these stories - do you know for a fact that the women were lying? Do you have firm, irrefutable evidence? If you did, wouldn't they not be in prison right now?

Know that the VAST MAJORITY of rape cases are ignored by the police. So for them to not only get investigated but convicted, almost always indicates that there was evidence. Eg, I'm not saying 100%, but most likely these friends of your actually did commit sexual conduct are not in jail wrongly. That's just what the stats say, only airtight cases are taken by the district attorney.

My guess is, the people you know did in fact commit the things they're accused of, and they're in jail because the state was able to prove a good case. And do you have evidence that they're innocent, airtight, or are you assuming they are right because they're your bros?

Funny how people say 'wait till it gets proven in court.' Yet their friends get proven of rape and other crimes in court, and they still deny it. Funny how everyone you know happens to be innocent of everything, huh?


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Anonymous #6

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #10]
    #28202452 - 02/24/23 12:12 PM (10 months, 28 days ago)

Maybe, I don’t claim certainty because for all we know, anon made up the person to begin with. No need for me to take it all to seriously and get emotional over.


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Anonymous #9

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #10]
    #28202469 - 02/24/23 12:21 PM (10 months, 28 days ago)

Counterpoint: You're calling for vigilantism. She specifically asked not to engage in vigilantism. That alone is enough to back the fuck off. Reacting to someone confiding in you about overstepped boundaries by overstepping boundaries yourself is ironic and moronic in equal measure.


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Anonymous #3

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #10] * 1
    #28203384 - 02/25/23 12:22 AM (10 months, 27 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #10 said:

Know that the VAST MAJORITY of rape cases are ignored by the police. So for them to not only get investigated but convicted, almost always indicates that there was evidence. Eg, I'm not saying 100%, but most likely these friends of your actually did commit sexual conduct are not in jail wrongly. That's just what the stats say, only airtight cases are taken by the district attorney.






I believe this is not accurate.  Many charges of all different types of crimes (sex crimes included) are brought upon people who have either fell into disfavor of there local police departments or lack the mental capacity and/or funding to defend themselves against a criminal charge. The amount of mentally deficient people who have been tricked into pleading guilty to a crime just so a police officer and a prosecutor can claim a case has been solved is staggering.

It really wouldn't surprise me to learn that half of all state prison inmates are actually innocent of the crime they plead guilty to.


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Anonymous #7

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #28203514 - 02/25/23 06:00 AM (10 months, 27 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #3 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #10 said:

Know that the VAST MAJORITY of rape cases are ignored by the police. So for them to not only get investigated but convicted, almost always indicates that there was evidence. Eg, I'm not saying 100%, but most likely these friends of your actually did commit sexual conduct are not in jail wrongly. That's just what the stats say, only airtight cases are taken by the district attorney.






I believe this is not accurate.  Many charges of all different types of crimes (sex crimes included) are brought upon people who have either fell into disfavor of there local police departments or lack the mental capacity and/or funding to defend themselves against a criminal charge. The amount of mentally deficient people who have been tricked into pleading guilty to a crime just so a police officer and a prosecutor can claim a case has been solved is staggering.

It really wouldn't surprise me to learn that half of all state prison inmates are actually innocent of the crime they plead guilty to.





Here's some data to back up anon10's stance.

Got some data to back up your stance that half of all convicted rapists are innocent people with an IQ of 70 or under (mentally deficient), or are we just choosing to believe what's comfortable for us and calling that good enough?

According to this data from Minnesota, 39% of rapes are reported and only 16.9% of those reports will result in prosecution.

https://cmsac.org/facts-and-statistics/#:~:text=Factoring%20in%20unreported%20rapes%2C%20only,a%2058%25%20chance%20of%20conviction.


Here is data from a national organization comparing the rate of prosecution for rape to the rate of prosecution for robberies and assault and battery. In comparisons, the rates for sexual assault are astonishingly low.

 
https://www.rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system


Here's an article about false reporting that references a study I'm not paying for- stating that the false report rate is 4.5%.

A false report is reporting an assault that never happened- some agencies inflate numbers by calling recanted reports, dropped charges, encases where there was not enough evidence to prove or disprove thencase a false report.


https://www.brown.edu/campus-life/health/services/promotion/sexual-assault-dating-violence/myths-about-sexual-assault-reports

So, for the folks who immediately assume that any of the of women who actually report their rapes are lying about it when the false report rate is that low- know that you're and other people like you are a  big part the reason why so many women choose not to report their assaults.


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Anonymous #3

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #7] * 1
    #28328923 - 05/21/23 03:04 PM (8 months, 4 days ago)

Not saying you're wrong. Not clicking your links either because studies are usually manipulated to produce a desired result, I would post a link but I don't have time.

And I certainly never said that anyone reporting a rape shouldn't be taken seriously.

What I said was pigs lie, set people up and can't be trusted to tell the truth, hence there are likely many persons in jail for crimes they didn't commit,rape included. Half, 20%, who really knows?

Claiming this study or that study isn't really any type of proof of an accurate number.

And it's definitely the pigs who treat women who report a rape like liars, ask them on dates, and make all types of inappropriate comments to them depending on the location they are reporting the rape, most likely the bigger the police department the less compassion the victim will be shown. All police departments of substantial size put the nut jobs, weirdos and rapist in the SVU where they get razzed by the other pigs. Go check out any SVU on any police force that employees over 200 people and you will easily see the truth of this.

My post basically was calling out the pigs for being rapist and rapist co-conspirators.

Sorry I don't I have a link to post, wait, no I'm not.


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Anonymous #9

Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #28343931 - 06/02/23 01:41 AM (7 months, 23 days ago)

Yeah I'd say that's a concession right there.


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