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Anonymous #8
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
#28193808 - 02/18/23 09:59 PM (11 months, 2 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #6 said: That’s rude.
I have known two men in my life who were sent to jail wrongfully by women lying, I have seen even more who ended up in jail trying to defend a woman's honor based on misunderstandings/exaggerations and I have even seen one man die after being pushed to “defend” his woman physically against a lunatic.
If a crime was committed, encourage her to go to the law, you do not even know if a crime was committed or what the offense was.
He could have just said something inappropriate or hugged her when he thought it was ok and she thought it wasn’t.
Don’t assume guilt, don’t encourage a witch hunt, don’t make her problem worse.
"Don't put yourself in the way of getting criminal charges." Earlier I also said go to the law. Emotional support is so important what part was rude? The other person was completely spot on- FACTS that majority do not get arrested. You need sperm Your friends did not get arrested on he said she said unless it was before the 2000"s
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Anonymous #6
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
#28193824 - 02/18/23 10:05 PM (11 months, 2 days ago) |
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So what? You think criminal activity has some sort of expiration date?
It’s still going on... why would it stop?
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Anonymous #7
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28193832 - 02/18/23 10:11 PM (11 months, 2 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said:
Quote:
Anonymous #7 said: A lot of women choose not to go to the police because it's unlikely anything will happen anyways.
All a defense attorney has to do is rattle her well enough while she is reliving this traumatic event in front of a room full of people that one member of a jury isn't 100% convinced this guy did what she says he did.
I am friends with a sexual assault nurse examiner. She said that in her training, she learned a mere 1% of the cases she completes will be prosecuted.
OP, have you considered that she told you because she needed a friend, but she won't give you further details because she's afraid you're going to make a bad situation worse for her?
Perhaps she does not want to be repeatedly re-traumatized by telling her story again and again to you, the police and then possibly a courtroom full of people?
Maybe she does not want to go through all of that for nothing?
Yea I get where you’re coming from but don’t you think it could also be traumatic having the guy who did violate you being literally a few steps away from you on any given day because you work right next to one another? She could look out the window and see her attacker at any given time during her shift or when she’s hanging out not working. He comes in to our restaurant too. Like the dude can probably sees her leave every night. Or the fact he still texts her. All that isn’t traumatic?
She told other people already. I’m maybe the 4th person at my work who knows. Nobody is doing anything about this. I don’t feel like I can even talk to them about it because she told me t not tell anyone. People still hang out there and they still invite her knowing that happened and she won’t go because of it.
Doing nothing does nothing for her. Doing nothing also does a disservice to whoever he violates next. The op details the block we work on and the clientele we get. He could be violating wasted girls damn near every night.
As of now I don’t know, but if it is anywhere around what I’m thinking, doing nothing is pretty much being complicit with evil.
I'm not saying that seeing someone who assaulted you regularly isn't traumatic. 8t absolutely is.
Legally and statistically, the odds won't be in her favor if she does anything involving law enforcement at this point, so after she reports him and nothing happens, he will likely continue on being a piece of shit and he also may come back and hurt her worse than he already has.
If you choose to do something to this guy short of killing him, he may also come back and hurt her even worse than he already has.
If you do decide to handle this personal matter of hers in a way that she has asked you not to, you will not be within your rights to expect her to risk her own safety to protect you.
It is also possible, if he is still texting her, that she is planning to attempt him to admit what uebhasbdone via text so thatbshebdoes have a case should she bring it to the police. Otherwise it's his word against hers.
I can appreciate what you are trying to do, and what you want to do. I really can. Bit it's not up to you to decide what is the most traumatic outcome for your friend, or what she should do, or how she should handle this.
Most of us are assaulted by someone we know, as opposed to complete strangers. These situations are typically far more complicated than outsiders would realize, and bu the sounds of it you don't have all the details.
It's shitty this guy is still upright and sucking air. It is. But maybe all of the people who know about this should focus on supporting your friend by asking her what she needs to navigate this situation.
Maybe it's to talk. Or someone to walk her to her car after work. Or permission to call even if it's late. Or distraction. Or to check in on her to ask how she is feeling.
If your knee jerk reaction is to tell her what she should do instead of ask her what you can do to he supportive, she will lilely pull away and isolate.
The best thing you can do is to be a friend. Understand that you cant understand what she is dealing with, and ask how what she needs from you to feel supported.
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Anonymous #8
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
#28193837 - 02/18/23 10:13 PM (11 months, 2 days ago) |
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I think i am confused or need to go back and read.
Do I think men will stop being falsely accused? no Do I think men will stop sexually assaulting women? no Both are problems.
Facts are.. men do not get prosecuted without evidence.
Unfortunately men can potentially have their lives destroyed over lives. I have seen this up close and personal. It is awful. I also have sat with many rape vicitms, as young as 10 years old. Also awful. SO probably best he contact the authorities, like I suggested. And not put himself in harms way. But instead be a source of emotional support if needed.
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Anonymous #6
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
#28193873 - 02/18/23 10:35 PM (11 months, 2 days ago) |
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It’s best he allow her to make that decision for herself.
He did not witness a crime, he doesn’t even know what the supposed crime is, she went out of her way to make sure of that.
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Anonymous #8
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
#28193904 - 02/18/23 10:50 PM (11 months, 2 days ago) |
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He can support her. And encourage her to go.
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Anonymous #6
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
#28193914 - 02/18/23 10:58 PM (11 months, 2 days ago) |
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Exactly what I said
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Anonymous #7
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
#28193915 - 02/18/23 10:58 PM (11 months, 2 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #8 said:
Facts are.. men do not get prosecuted without evidence.
Just a friendly reminder that even with evidence, the prosecution may well result in nothing more than a slap on the wrist.
Brock Turner got 6 months.
This article is about a teenager who video taped himself assaulting a girl and was not tried as an adult because he "came from a good family." https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/02/nyregion/judge-james-troiano-rape.html
The article also reports a 16 year old boy raping a girl and was also not tried as an adult for rape because the girl did not suffer "aside from losing her virginity." As if anybody gets to say how much suffering a rape caused a victim.
Another https://www.fox26houston.com/news/father-calls-out-judge-for-giving-daughters-rapist-a-light-sentence
Here's 3 years for multiple sexual assaults
https://www.abcactionnews.com/news/national/light-sentence-for-man-convicted-of-sexual-assaults-stalking-while-at-wisconsin-college-draws-ire
4 months for rape https://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-rape-sentence-nolan-bruder-20170525-htmlstory.html
I could keep going but...you guys get the picture.
If a rapist pleads guilty to rape and waives his right to a jury trial, he may not see a day prison if the judge is a piece of shit and the defense attorney is good at their job. This means that depending on the demographics of where we live it may not do us any good to report rape anyhow. Going through the invasive exam which takes several hours, re-telling the story again and again just for your rapist to do 100 days in county and go right back at it and possibly murder you when he gets out isn't always worth it.
I'm just trying to offer some perspective here.
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Anonymous #8
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #7]
#28193922 - 02/18/23 11:03 PM (11 months, 2 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #7 said:
Quote:
Anonymous #8 said:
Facts are.. men do not get prosecuted without evidence.
Just a friendly reminder that even with evidence, the prosecution may well result in nothing more than a slap on the wrist.
Brock Turner got 6 months.
This article is about a teenager who video taped himself assaulting a girl and was not tried as an adult because he "came from a good family." https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/02/nyregion/judge-james-troiano-rape.html
The article also reports a 16 year old boy raping a girl and was also not tried as an adult for rape because the girl did not suffer "aside from losing her virginity." As if anybody gets to say how much suffering a rape caused a victim.
Another https://www.fox26houston.com/news/father-calls-out-judge-for-giving-daughters-rapist-a-light-sentence
Here's 3 years for multiple sexual assaults
https://www.abcactionnews.com/news/national/light-sentence-for-man-convicted-of-sexual-assaults-stalking-while-at-wisconsin-college-draws-ire
4 months for rape https://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-rape-sentence-nolan-bruder-20170525-htmlstory.html
I could keep going but...you guys get the picture.
If a rapist pleads guilty to rape and waives his right to a jury trial, he may not see a day prison if the judge is a piece of shit and the defense attorney is good at their job. This means that depending on the demographics of where we live it may not do us any good to report rape anyhow. Going through the invasive exam which takes several hours, re-telling the story again and again just for your rapist to do 100 days in county and go right back at it and possibly murder you when he gets out isn't always worth it.
I'm just trying to offer some perspective here.
In complete agreeance with you
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
#28197464 - 02/21/23 01:07 PM (11 months, 3 hours ago) |
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I appreciate everyone’s contribution to this thread. I told her I’d drop my stance. She basically said thank you. I guess we’re technically ok now, but I feel like our relationship is damaged. I have a hard time seeing our friendship get back to where it was. At this point I’m going to continue to give her space and based on the fact she wouldn’t make eye contact with me last week, feels like this friendship is damaged beyond repair. Sucks.
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Anonymous #6
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28197482 - 02/21/23 01:25 PM (11 months, 2 hours ago) |
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She is not a victim unless she identifies as one, she may have been wronged but she doesn’t want to be a victim, let her get through it how she wants unless she asks for help... it’s your job as a friend to listen to them, hear them and then make things feel normal again. You don’t need to fix it, you don’t need to seek justice, you just gotta be you and be there for her.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
#28197506 - 02/21/23 01:39 PM (11 months, 2 hours ago) |
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That’s not entirely true imo if he’s in a position to continue taking advantage of drunk girls I think it’d be terrible to just be quiet because I don’t want to upset my friend. At this point idk if anything criminal even happened so I’m presuming him innocent. Maybe something happened but maybe it didn’t. Idk. Done with this whole thing.
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Anonymous #9
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#28197846 - 02/21/23 05:48 PM (10 months, 30 days ago) |
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Don't throw your life away for her.
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Anonymous #8
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28197965 - 02/21/23 06:58 PM (10 months, 30 days ago) |
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Your a good person your intentions are good follow your good intentions
I hope none of you have someone in their life that needs help some of these answers are cold and very rape culture responses. .... he wants to be a pillar of support to her thats it.
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Anonymous #6
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #8]
#28197969 - 02/21/23 06:59 PM (10 months, 30 days ago) |
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Mod edit:
DO NOT DERAIL THIS THREAD WITH DIRECT INFIGHTING ABOUT OTHERS OPINIONS.
Edited by george castanza (02/22/23 08:29 AM)
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Anonymous #3
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1] 1
#28198795 - 02/22/23 09:03 AM (10 months, 30 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #1 said: I appreciate everyone’s contribution to this thread. I told her I’d drop my stance. She basically said thank you. I guess we’re technically ok now, but I feel like our relationship is damaged. I have a hard time seeing our friendship get back to where it was. At this point I’m going to continue to give her space and based on the fact she wouldn’t make eye contact with me last week, feels like this friendship is damaged beyond repair. Sucks.
You do recognize that there is a public interest in investigating this individual for what you presume to be felonies. This demonstrates your heart is definitely in the right place, however with that being said you haven't even really been presented with any evidence by "her" that anything really happened.
As far as she goes, I wouldn't mention it to her again. I think if you just give it some time and ignore her your relationship will normalize.
Also there is a lot of negative speculation that I wont go into, other than to say that considering all the possibilities of the truth of the matter means considering unfavorable possibilities too.
Reporting suspicion of creepy asshole that gets chicks drunk and possibly rapes them to the police is an effort in utterly useless activity because depending on where you live, that asshole could likely be an off duty cop. Pigs are well known for rape themselves.
Many psychopaths seek out jobs in civil service to gain an advantage on prospective victims.
I understand that you want to do something about the situation and I would like to encourage you to go about it in the proper way.
You could seek out a smaller or underground rape advocate group, for example for a while, there was this 16 year old kid getting pedophiles to meet up with him, then he had a bunch of friends with cameras roll up on the guy after he met up with the kid and stated his intentions, he got a couple people in trouble and shamed them on YouTube, but like has already been stated, its catch and release for most all sexual offenders.
Keep your eye on the guy and remember that some of us appreciate your interest in harm reduction.
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Anonymous #8
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #1]
#28198836 - 02/22/23 09:27 AM (10 months, 30 days ago) |
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I appreciate it And 100% agree with persons in authoritative positions being rapists, like police officers, teachers, correctional officers, etc.
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Anonymous #10
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Re: Coworker/friend was violated [Re: Anonymous #6]
#28202418 - 02/24/23 11:58 AM (10 months, 28 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous #6 said: Doesn’t have to be made up, some people perceive things as an insult, clearly she thinks it’s bad enough to share with you but not bad enough to give full detail.
Maybe she knows it was insignificant or no big deal but just wants a moment to feel like it was by sharing it with you.
If he committed a crime encourage her to go to the police, if she doesn’t I would assume she doesn’t think it was a crime and therefor is being blown out of proportion.
No, this is stupid.
If it is traumatic that is a reason she finds it hard to say. Many victims of severe trauma eg child abuse don't talk about it until years later. Does that mean they weren't abused because they didn't speak up at the time? Often being in that situation is what causes people not to speak.
In terms of 'going to the police': Did you know that 95% of rapes reported to the police are not investigated at all? That's right, not just assault but rape, and 95% who report it are told there's not enough evidence, etc and to drop it and let it go. The reason things like this are not reported is because the interview involves officers just trying to break down the one reporting as opposed to investigating.
Quote:
Anonymous #6 said: I have known two men in my life who were sent to jail wrongfully by women lying, If a crime was committed, encourage her to go to the law, you do not even know if a crime was committed or what the offense was.
He could have just said something inappropriate or hugged her when he thought it was ok and she thought it wasn’t.
Don’t assume guilt, don’t encourage a witch hunt, don’t make her problem worse.
And these stories - do you know for a fact that the women were lying? Do you have firm, irrefutable evidence? If you did, wouldn't they not be in prison right now?
Know that the VAST MAJORITY of rape cases are ignored by the police. So for them to not only get investigated but convicted, almost always indicates that there was evidence. Eg, I'm not saying 100%, but most likely these friends of your actually did commit sexual conduct are not in jail wrongly. That's just what the stats say, only airtight cases are taken by the district attorney.
My guess is, the people you know did in fact commit the things they're accused of, and they're in jail because the state was able to prove a good case. And do you have evidence that they're innocent, airtight, or are you assuming they are right because they're your bros?
Funny how people say 'wait till it gets proven in court.' Yet their friends get proven of rape and other crimes in court, and they still deny it. Funny how everyone you know happens to be innocent of everything, huh?
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Anonymous #6
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Maybe, I don’t claim certainty because for all we know, anon made up the person to begin with. No need for me to take it all to seriously and get emotional over.
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Anonymous #9
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Counterpoint: You're calling for vigilantism. She specifically asked not to engage in vigilantism. That alone is enough to back the fuck off. Reacting to someone confiding in you about overstepped boundaries by overstepping boundaries yourself is ironic and moronic in equal measure.
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