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Offlinestzacrack
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Toxic family members
    #28181950 - 02/11/23 08:49 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

I'm 4 months sober and I've got an extremely depressed/anxious/toxic/negative father I'm living with and as my mind continues to heal it becomes clearer and clearer that his negativity is and has been a mega stressor for me for so many years, and maybe I don't need to be so critical of myself

The past three days it's been him fucking up in some minor way that I don't criticize/blame him for, then he'll spin it so it was my fault he fucked up because I didn't prevent it appropriately, and then progresses to anger/telling me to shut the fuck up when I tell him that 1. It's no big deal and 2. It's not my fault

It's not my fault or my responsibility he's miserable and I don't think I deserve to be dragged down into that shit when I'm trying to fix my life

I'm not being insensitive, I just want to keep growing and being a good father/man, and its so hard to keep my spirits high when you are happy at work but are nervous to come home cause you don't know wtf this dudes gonna be like

Fwiw my mother died few days after Thanksgiving, both my childhood dogs died this year and my ex left with my kid for another dude two years back

Still im sober 4 months exercising regularly working and saving the best I can

Just needed to vent I think I fucking blew up this morning after holding it in for days and I'm fucking done with this nervous energy this dude always gives off

I look at him like a C.O. and I'm in his jail
I'm nice so I might be left alone, and afraid to stand up for myself so I find myself secluding myself to a small bedroom anytime I'm home as to avoid him at all costs

If you read this I applaud you

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InvisibleFridgedoor
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: stzacrack] * 2
    #28182009 - 02/11/23 09:17 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

I read it!

With the info you provided, I feel it would be beneficial for you to move out and do your own thing.


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Offlinestzacrack
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: Fridgedoor] * 1
    #28182025 - 02/11/23 09:23 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Quote:

Fridgedoor said:
I read it!

With the info you provided, I feel it would be beneficial for you to move out and do your own thing.




You are correct

Sometimes we seem to complicate things when in reality the solution is quite simple

I'm a fucking loser, but I'm trying

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InvisibleFridgedoor
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: stzacrack] * 1
    #28182050 - 02/11/23 09:40 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Quote:

stzacrack said:
I'm a fucking loser, but I'm trying



You stated you managed to stay sober, despite all the shit you went through.
I'd say you're on a good path.
Keep on trying and things will look brighter soon, I am sure. It's a lot about the mindset in my experience.


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Invisiblebirdeatingspider
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: stzacrack] * 1
    #28182083 - 02/11/23 10:04 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

To white knuckle your sobriety despite the major loss and setbacks you've experienced recently, I'd say you're anything but a loser..

This would be tremendously easier if you move out, either alone or preferably with a like minded person on the same path as yourself. Would even argue that it is necessary.

The other side of toxic, manipulative, narcissistic relationships- is the common theme of codependency and people pleasing tendencies. These are some key words to delve into, and if they apply, focus on.

If you read, I highly recommend the book, 'When Pleasing You Is Killing Me.' The author, Les Carter, also hosts a youtube channel that I found sometimes long winded, but quite helpful.

Regardless, your recovery, health, and healing seems to be lacking support. Even if you find yourself more comfortable boarded up in your room, pushing yourself to seek community and social groups will be your means of escaping this situation.
It's a great sign of your desire to change and grow by posting this, and I commend you for it.
The worst thing you can do is nothing.:2cents:


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InvisibleThomas Envisio
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: stzacrack]
    #28182102 - 02/11/23 10:16 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Okay. This has the vibe of someone in need of distance. I recommend significant separation between you and your father. It would be best to not tell him, and go look at a few apartments today or tomorrow. I don't normally recommend lying because it really harms society, but in this instance a little lie, if necessary, is okay.

Rent a cheap, small one room apartment if absolutely necessary. Don't even tell him as you're moving out. Move out the second he leaves. Write an honest note that will not instigate violence. Tell him how you really feel, without being cruel or harsh. Be honest, though. Be fast, precise in all that you do with this.

Your father is likely to remain a toxic person to you, dragging you down, rather than uplifting you and nourishing you as his son. I had a father like this. He died a terrible person, and the Earth is a slightly better place because he died. While your father is alive, I would think of him as someone who needs a caretaker, and someone who is mentally abusive. You can be a distant caretaker of him, if absolutely necessary, with a bit of strong distance, but be strong. Be prepared for him to verbally and mentally scrape away at you. Be prepared for him to be manipulative and to hand out guilt-trips like candy. Be prepared for an escalation in mean words, mean expressions, and the possibility for physical violence. When in doubt, dis-engage and de-escalate. Gain distance. Seek distance. Award yourself with that distance.

If you become agitated over these steps, you can try 4-7-8 breathing throughout the agitation. I think you'll be okay.

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Offlinestzacrack
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #28182117 - 02/11/23 10:26 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

I sincerely mean when I say thanks


He used to do this alllllllways with my mother

I tend to be more stand-offish and ill immediately say "I didn't do anything, can you please calm down, I just want to get to work"

I'll walk away from the situation 3 or 4 times a day for a few days until I'll snap at the condescending passive aggressive comments

Then I feel guilty like I do now

I realized yesterday as soon as I got into the car with him he was carrying all that bullshit from the morning and night before with him, and it was so disheartening.

It was 50 degrees sunny with a breeze in February and I was out logging and just having such a great day

Cut to the moment I link up with him after work, every moment has been stressful and it's so apparent that it's not healthy for me or fruitful in any way

I'm still paying fines/child support/groceries and working with no license till August from a DUI, so the saving money part has been hard but nothing is going to make me want to drink and fuck up and lose everything again

Since my mom died rather than make me wanna drink it made me wanna be stronger and never return to that lowly of a place ever again

Edited by stzacrack (02/11/23 10:42 AM)

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Offlinestzacrack
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: Thomas Envisio]
    #28182170 - 02/11/23 11:01 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

I feel so guilty if I left he'd be completely isolated we don't have family and he's been especially spiraling since my ma passed away

But he's such a prick, I find myself trying to yes him to death just to get him to walk away from me so I don't snap, then i do and i feel like shit like I do now

He'll start conversations in a condescending way

For instance "what's the name of that friend you had that you worked with, you know, the DRUG DEALER"
I'll say "huh?"
Then he'll get pissed more and more, then I'll realize what hes doing and I'll figure out who he's talking about, but I'll just play dumb as to not give him the satisfaction, and he gets even wayyy more pissed

But that type of shit comes out of nowhere,  unprompted and I don't want to be dragged into negativity for no reason, I'm trying to stay sober

Also hell do little shit on purpose to needle at you, like come at me with four or five of those types of conversations looking for a fight

Example "dad we should leave in a half hour"
"OK tell me when we're ten minutes from leaving"
"We should leave in ten"
Then I go outside...
25 minut3s later he comes outside mad
"Why didn't you say you were ready to leave? In the past you've..." insert any minor transgression that's happened once or twice in the past 10 years

It's always in the past I've done this in the past that, so it was my fault to expect him to take my word about when we're leaving, even though I didn't care about the 10 minutes and didn't say anything about it

Since I won't validate his feelings about him being 10 minutes late outside, he then has that to be mad about

It's frustrating and extremely tiresome

Edited by stzacrack (02/11/23 11:09 AM)

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Offlinegopher
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: stzacrack]
    #28182180 - 02/11/23 11:07 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Quote:

stzacrack said:
I feel so guilty if I left he'd be completely isolated we don't have family and he's been especially spiraling since my ma passed away

But he's such a prick, I find myself trying to yes him to death just to get him to walk away from me so I don't snap, then i do and i feel like shit like I do now




Leave, but stay close enough you can still have dinner with him a few times a month


--------------------
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Invisiblesplit_by_nine
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: stzacrack]
    #28182302 - 02/11/23 12:53 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

keep your head up stza. keeping a positive attitude helps tremendously with navigating the daily bullshit we all face. like others said, youre on the right path. keep going for it and dont get too hung up on small things.


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OfflineSpencerPhillips
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: split_by_nine]
    #28182635 - 02/11/23 04:02 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Quote:

split_by_nine said:
keep your head up stza. keeping a positive attitude helps tremendously with navigating the daily bullshit we all face. like others said, youre on the right path. keep going for it and dont get too hung up on small things.



:whathesaid:


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Offlinespirit_shadow
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: SpencerPhillips]
    #28182950 - 02/11/23 07:37 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Life can suck sometimes op, I'm sorry you are going through this. Do you love your father? If you do then the best advise I can give you is let all the negativity run off you like water down a ducks back. Don't let it get to you and just be as positive and nice as you can be and remember everyone processes grief differently so it may be possible your father is just still fucked up from the death. I know when my father died it fucked me up for a very long time. Just keep your spirits up and do the best you can. <3


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InvisiblemushboyMDiscord
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: spirit_shadow]
    #28183113 - 02/11/23 08:59 PM (1 year, 4 months ago)

i dont know all the details but when it comes to triggery toxic parents and sobriety?

fuck em. run and dont look back. your father has zero control over his life and hes blaming you.

wow. thanks dad. while you try to gain balance for survival hes shaking the floor you stand on.

its impossible ime. my mother died a few years back and it shattered everything. for the better but holy shit was it brutal.


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Offlinestzacrack
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: mushboy]
    #28183577 - 02/12/23 08:24 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Yea I'm trying real hard (no other choice I'm just not going to drink) man and it's like I'm learning how to cope with shit sober so I am using this site to vent and I appreciate you guys

I do love my pops I never knew any different and I started the addiction journey from 21 to 34, now I'm just trying to figure it out

If I had a place to go to when this happens to escape I think that's a way I could show him what he's doing is wrong without losing my cool or us saying anything real rough to each other

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Offlinespirit_shadow
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Re: Toxic family members [Re: stzacrack]
    #28183681 - 02/12/23 09:34 AM (1 year, 4 months ago)

Yeah, it's a tough situation trying to maintain peace in an unbalanced relationship. Just try to see things from his perspective, have a tiny bit of empathy, and only try to support him in a healthy way and if he's negative after that then that's on him. Don't give a single other person on the planet power over your happiness.


Edit: protip, don't let the little things get to you....I know it's easier said than done as im the king of letting little things get to me :lolsy:


--------------------
I'm so old school I don't even know what old school means.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011
Ban lotto

Edited by spirit_shadow (02/12/23 09:37 AM)

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