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Mateja



Registered: 07/14/16
Posts: 7,948
Loc: Here
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: LogicaL Chaos] 2
#28156561 - 01/25/23 06:32 AM (1 year, 3 days ago) |
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I re-read this entire thread just now thank you all so much for so many great links and explanation it's take a while to check it all out but what's important is I'm finally able to lable these things as "Intrusive thoughts" and it feels reassuring to read that many of you have experienced something similar. Im also starting to see some connections and things are becoming clearer. I know now why I've always been scared of pressure cookers or even the smallest gas cans, it took me a good 2 years or so of growing before I started feeling somewhat comfortable working with sterilizing.
I got extremely spooked one time at work in 2010 I was loading containers with these 2.5m tall gigantic gas canisters with the forklift and the floor was wet and slippery so I totally spun around on me with load and when I crashed I actually crashed with the tip of the forks perfectly into the top vents of a few of these canisters to the point of the cents were totally bent and shit, and the way the truck and the loaded ended up I was somewhat stuck inside the truck with my head inches away from what I thought was gonna be a massive explosion any second, so this sheer terror of uncertainty fucked my up more or less for life, when I'm periodically not in a good place I'm even scared to hold a lighter, sometimes when I'm on the couch or in the bed on my phone I keep a book on top of my crouch not becsuse I conceptually belive there's schnsce that the battery in the phone will explode but it's just so I will be more relaxed and not have to remind myself to breath correctly.
So when I realized this I also started to become aware of the other things I get Intrusive thoughts about and basically they're not just random without context or background I think most are related to stuff that had happened or is going on. I've had psychos sending be death threats on messenger posting horrible torture videos and what not, and it's dangerous people but haven't heard from them in 2 years or so, I think they could be in prison, but that shit will make you look over your shoulder once or twice, especially if they're from the same city so the easiest thing to do is to stop going out more or less or totally avoid places where those kinds of nightmares can be encountered.
Anyway just wanted say thank you all and give a quick update, I weigh around 77kg now and when I wrote this post I don't think I weiged more than 65, I've cut out alot of bad habits and I'm excersising and walking more but these things are very periodocial and I don't expect anything to completely go away but I'm hoping that this time it will at least stop increasing in intensity and start to get better but for that to happen I think I will have to do more myself and be more active in trying to repair and heal I haven't done nearly as much as I should have but I'm looking forward.
I will thank some of you personally some more in PM's when I get the chance just wanted to say I appreciate everything from everyone. Peace
-------------------- Cakes inside Water Tub
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Hyebrid
Resident Falconer



Registered: 11/28/22
Posts: 333
Loc: Mars
Last seen: 2 months, 5 days
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: Mateja] 1
#28156918 - 01/25/23 12:08 PM (1 year, 3 days ago) |
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I'm glad you're doing better than before. Some improvement goes a very long way. I completely understand being aware of every possible hazard and every possible scenario that can play out and how that can give chills down your spine/ cause you to not be ok.
Something that really helped me was CBT therapy, but even more helpful was CPT-A therapy. CPT-A focuses more on PTSD. It is very intense and hard at first, but by the end of it, you have tools to help you in your everyday life. I hope to see you around more.
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Edited by Hyebrid (01/25/23 12:09 PM)
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Abombs
Chaotic Neutral



Registered: 08/17/21
Posts: 884
Last seen: 5 months, 22 days
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: LogicaL Chaos] 1
#28157331 - 01/25/23 05:10 PM (1 year, 2 days ago) |
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Thank you for the info. Not sure if your talking to me. But I probably do have PTSD. Having a hard time finding any other phychedelics. Everyone keeps saying online that acid is more available than ever. But I cant find a tab
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Abombs
Chaotic Neutral



Registered: 08/17/21
Posts: 884
Last seen: 5 months, 22 days
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: Abombs] 2
#28157335 - 01/25/23 05:14 PM (1 year, 2 days ago) |
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Lol I just reread some previous posts and seems your talking to someone else. I'll assume your knowledge is for everyone and thank you
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Hyebrid
Resident Falconer



Registered: 11/28/22
Posts: 333
Loc: Mars
Last seen: 2 months, 5 days
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: Abombs] 1
#28157355 - 01/25/23 05:28 PM (1 year, 2 days ago) |
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Quote:
Abombs said: Lol I just reread some previous posts and seems your talking to someone else. I'll assume your knowledge is for everyone and thank you
I was talking to OP (Mateja) but yes anyone who has PTSD can benefit from CBT and CPT-A therapies. CBT therapy is great for reframing negative thought patterns, and CPT-A focuses on the traumatic events and how to reframe those in a way where it takes the spicyness out of the "spicy nostalgia" as I like to say.
CBT is a traditional back and forth conversation, where CPT-A incorporates assignments and essay writing along with CBT.
I am starting EMDR therapy March 1st, and am told that it is extremely helpful for PTSD.
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Edited by Hyebrid (01/25/23 05:32 PM)
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Mateja



Registered: 07/14/16
Posts: 7,948
Loc: Here
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: Hyebrid] 2
#28157400 - 01/25/23 06:03 PM (1 year, 2 days ago) |
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I think you're gonna notice the benefits of EMDR within the first 3 sessions and it's not always easy to notice the effects, at times I feel a lot more peaceful when I leave the treatment center and at times I feel the after effects a bit in the body it just feels a bit uncomfortable but it passes soon.
I'm sure most people know how EMDR works but I will just clarify one thing and hopefully whoever wants to experiment with it on their own (it's very possible) then you will k ow how to do it on your own.
My psychologist explains it as when you're eyes are moving laterally and scanning left and right across huge distances that also sends a message to your subconscious that you are standing or walking out in the open space (meaning your brain is registering that you are apparently not 'afraid' of being out in the open where you will be noticed) if your eyes on the other hand are moving in many directions across short distances then than can indicate to your brain that you are in a confined space and possibly you are there to hide from immenent danger and this affects the Amygdala and can even stimulate it to grow u porportionally large.
This explanation makes perfect sense to me, so I have figured that if I was to start walking daily to work with my EMDR out in nature I would probably choose an open area such as a huge valley between two mountains over a dense forestΓ₯r any kind of forest for that matter. I believe that you really want to send a message to your brain through your eyes that you are not even trying to hide inside a forest but that you are as much out in the open as possible if that makes sense?
-------------------- Cakes inside Water Tub
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Mateja



Registered: 07/14/16
Posts: 7,948
Loc: Here
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: Abombs] 2
#28157407 - 01/25/23 06:09 PM (1 year, 2 days ago) |
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Quote:
Abombs said: Thank you for the info. Not sure if your talking to me. But I probably do have PTSD. Having a hard time finding any other phychedelics. Everyone keeps saying online that acid is more available than ever. But I cant find a tab
Hey! Can I ask why you believe that you have PTSD? I don't expect you to share anything personal I'm just wondering if you have experienced something traumatic during one even like for example getting shot or being in a car accident (typical PTSD) or if you have experienced for example being threatened repeated times during prolonged periods or having experienced traumatic events over and over which can absolutely result in CPTSD (COMPLEX-PTSD) which sounds very similar to PTSD but it's actually something only remotely related to PTSD and has to be treated in a completely different way as I'm learning.
I guess I'm asking you Hyebrid the same question, I'm curious about how you guys perceive your conditions and possibly what's caused it and as mentioned I don't expect y'all to share what you don't wish to share. Peace
-------------------- Cakes inside Water Tub
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,310
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 4 hours, 41 minutes
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: Mateja] 1
#28157592 - 01/25/23 08:02 PM (1 year, 2 days ago) |
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Hey Mateja!
Glad to hear that you are doing a lot better and actually responded back to an old thread. Sometimes users will just disappear and it leaves everyone in the thread confused as to what happened. Your comeback is much appreciated!
That story about the gas canisters is scary as fuck! I would have PTSD from that as well. Being in a situation that puts your life at risk scars people for life. Having paranoid thoughts about small containers from that experience is totally understandable. A lot of people will develop phobias from interactions with certain things that put their lives in danger (snakes for example).
One time I drove from Washington to Oregon (USA) in the middle of Winter, during a snow blizzard. Driving on that freeway in those conditions at night was one of the scariest experiences of my life. I never want to repeat it ever again and I have some PTSD from that experience. Same with driving in freezing rain that just happened in December. Awful weather!
And your story about people giving you death threats online. That would make anyone paranoid! I once got a phone call from an online ad I had for selling a bike about some guy who clearly had violent thoughts. He was threating me over the phone, a complete stranger, real bizarre stuff. Those kinds of experiences will put most people on edge for days or even weeks afterwards.
But back to you, it sounds like you are figuring things out and doing some self-healing. Thats great news! 
Abombs, i was replying to Mateja (the OP) but its advice for anyone suffering from similar experiences really.
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Hyebrid
Resident Falconer



Registered: 11/28/22
Posts: 333
Loc: Mars
Last seen: 2 months, 5 days
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: Mateja] 1
#28157713 - 01/25/23 10:15 PM (1 year, 2 days ago) |
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Quote:
Mateja said:
Quote:
Abombs said: Thank you for the info. Not sure if your talking to me. But I probably do have PTSD. Having a hard time finding any other phychedelics. Everyone keeps saying online that acid is more available than ever. But I cant find a tab
Hey! Can I ask why you believe that you have PTSD? I don't expect you to share anything personal I'm just wondering if you have experienced something traumatic during one even like for example getting shot or being in a car accident (typical PTSD) or if you have experienced for example being threatened repeated times during prolonged periods or having experienced traumatic events over and over which can absolutely result in CPTSD (COMPLEX-PTSD) which sounds very similar to PTSD but it's actually something only remotely related to PTSD and has to be treated in a completely different way as I'm learning.
I guess I'm asking you Hyebrid the same question, I'm curious about how you guys perceive your conditions and possibly what's caused it and as mentioned I don't expect y'all to share what you don't wish to share. Peace
For me it was 2 events that happened 6 months apart from one another. I was electrocuted and received a traumatic brain injury. It was an accident that could have easily been prevented by my leadership who didn't heed my warnings of the unsafe conditions and ordered me to proceed. The next incident involved a training mishap that ended in a very gruesome death of another military member which also could have been prevented with proper training and leadership present at the time.
I went 14-15 years without addressing it and pretending like it didn't bother me, until I hit rock bottom with a gun in my mouth in July 2021. Up until maybe 3 months ago, this would have been hard to talk about and I would be embarrassed to admit it...but it's good to talk about even if I do go into full fight/flight/freeze shivers. Kind of why I got worried about you after discovering this was your last thread before disappearing.
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Edited by Hyebrid (01/25/23 10:19 PM)
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Abombs
Chaotic Neutral



Registered: 08/17/21
Posts: 884
Last seen: 5 months, 22 days
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: Hyebrid] 2
#28157784 - 01/26/23 12:17 AM (1 year, 2 days ago) |
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I may have been on a trip when I said i thought I had PTSD. I think I am now thinking some sort of trauma thing. A doctor had suggested schizotypal personality disorder. But that was after a couple short conversations following months of going on and off meds to trip heavily.
Mines not as exciting.
I feel like I grew up lonely a good household in the country. My parents worked long hours operating the home business. They fought often things often got broken.
I had good friends growing up as long as they were on there own. If there were two or more they would anyways bully me together in typical 90s kid fashion.
When I got to high school I made new friends and we liked to get drunk and high together have find memories of those years.
Then after getting into a good job and meeting nice cute women and started making a family. She got depressed and blackout drank and mentally twisted me for 7 years. I became bitter and depressed and also drank for a while. Became An alcoholic then exercise junky then abused steroids and then pot. Now alternative states of concousness.
You now know more about me than any on person on the planet. Though which is also probably why I can't seem to get help
Forgot to add. The bullying by friends in groups has left unable to attend group functions. The more loved ones around the worse. Also the ex would get shitfaced and be an obnoxious hitch at every function. So a bunch friends out family plus drunk wife π€¬
Edited by Abombs (01/26/23 01:00 AM)
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Abombs
Chaotic Neutral



Registered: 08/17/21
Posts: 884
Last seen: 5 months, 22 days
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Re: Are these suicidal thoughts or not? [Re: Abombs] 1
#28157786 - 01/26/23 12:20 AM (1 year, 2 days ago) |
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The things I experienced on one of my recent trips would probably have nearly destroyed most.
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