Wanted to detail them both as I think it's neat that the first experience caused me great fear with regard to tripping again, and my second most recent trip made me feel much more comfortable and blessed to have access to this mystical presence.
This might seem like slightly excess on detail I guess, I'm mostly posting this so I have it here to look back on. I plan on tripping more for medicinal purposes and I think it'd be fun to get peoplez perspective on it if they bother to read it all lol
First trip: quite a lot younger at the time, tripped with (ex-)gf who in all honesty did not do a great job of taking care of me when things went south, but she did her best at the time I suppose.
I guess we were both tards at the time because we decided it would be a great idea to get basically drunk before taking them. In hindsight, probably this is why it ended up going badly, but also, I was just a bit of a nutter at the time in general and even weed could produce shizo-like paranoia (along with closed eye visuals, seeing geometry in the stars, thinking I was talking to trees telepathically etc ... all of this went away eventually); I'm really glad I (95%) grew out of this. Whenever I feel paranoia like that creeping up on me, the feeling is familiar enough now that I can just calm myself by thinking "you're being ridiculous no one cares" lol.
Anyway, skipping an hour or two ahead I start tripping balls. Have one of the most memorable/interesting experiences of my life for sure. I don't know if I had my eyes closed for most of this or if I was hallucinating but I basically went out-of-body, hovering over what I thought was a (or the) calm primordial sea. I was told later that I was, in fact, staring at my blue guitar in absolute awe of it. I was also told that at some point I was trying to destroy that guitar but I don't know if she exaggerated or what I was actually even doing, because I was absolutely gone.
Next thing I remember is laying in her bed and seeing the earth from space as (what I interpreted as """12th dimensional""" [I was a bit of a new ager at the time]) beings could be seen encircling it, symbolizing/implying protection or something, at least that was how I remember interpreting it. Then I was flying through a forest, lighter than a feather, and I saw the blue and green energies merge. I don't know what that means but that's the only way I can explain it. I also at one point thought I was the Christ and I stroked a blanket thinking it was the furry wall from that movie with Russel Brand that I can't remember the title of.
Then came the paranoia. I became paranoid that "they" (whoever they were) had locked onto my signal, they knew I was high and would soon be there to take me away for it. Yeah I ended up being dragged out of that house by my (ex-)gfs step-dad and his brother because I entered an endless loop repeating the same phrase "blue is love", which I don't think was the right thing to do (I probably would've chilled out eventually) but idk. Anyway they brought me home and it was awkward talking to my parents about it LOL. I remember still repeating that phrase until I eventually realized "...oh, I cannot speak things into existence anymore. I can move on now". I let them know I was alright and went to bed.  
---------- Second trip, much better overall lol
Was very afraid of tripping again due to the second half of my first experience. Especially of tripping alone, I was afraid of what might happen if I snapped psychologically and no one was there to take care of me.
When I got the mushrooms, Albino Penis Envy shrooms I first took 0.5g to test the waters a bit. I loved playing around on my midi keyboard making little trippy jingles, at one point I even felt very/extra emotional as I was doing this, and I eventually noticed that when I looked at my desktop wallpaper, it breathed if I stared at it. I was amazed that the brain could do this! This seemed kind of like my ""first"" real experience with mushrooms...because I wasn't drunk, because I was wise enough to understand the experience and didn't completely disintegrate inside of it (I might enjoy that at a later date though, if I ever feel comfortable going that deep again), and because I was doing it for good reason as opposed to just for partying.
Was cool, enjoyed. Most notably, I felt comfortable doing it by myself, and to be honest, I would rather do it by myself at this point. I want as few "conditionals" in my trip as possible. I wanted control.
So skip to next weekend afterward, I intended to just do 1 gram, maybe 1 gram and a little bit extra - around 1.3 or so perhaps? But I ended up just doing 2 grams. I was a little brave about that in a sense, considering my first experience many years ago. I fasted before ingesting them and chopped them up into small pieces, put into a tea with some chamomile and ginger pieces and let it steep for 20 minutes.
I prayed to the 'G'od that I don't believe in anymore, as I do sometimes via habit from when I was younger. It still comforts me to pray, so I still do it, I figure God is probably existence itself (or more, if that's possible) anyway and he may not be what I've been told he is but certainly something greater than me exists that is hearing me pray, even if it's myself, in some sense. So I prayed and I set my intention for wisdom and to learn more about myself, to gain wisdom.
After drinking the tea, I felt nothing for about 10 minutes but sort of had this creeping up feeling of "...is that it, or is that placebo setting in?" I go into the bathroom to check my pupils; they're dilated a little, but they practically always are, so whatever. Next thing I know I feel nauseous, shiet, I thought I was immune to that part, well, luckily it went away as quickly as it came on and the worst of it was over in 5 minutes. But I noticed I felt altered. I was scared - am I about to trip balls like the first time and lose my mind? But I was equally excited.
I gathered every source of comfort I could find. I won't say them all but literally everything I could think of to make me feel peaceful and positive. This was successful in quelling my fears and as the trip became stronger over the next 10 minutes I was on a bit of a rollercoaster, but enjoying it.
It started to get really intense when I noticed my own thoughts were echoing and literally everything was breathing. I could feel a haze around my vision as if I could see as normal, but really, I was only focused in one a circle in the middle of my vision, because everything outside that circle was wavy and pulsing. I could feel that my energy as a living creature was more noticeable to myself - I am aware in this moment that I am a living creature in whatever reality is. I slowly felt like I was in control. And this was huge for me. I felt proud of my ability to control my trip, even though I sort of felt bad for "restricting" it and not just letting it flow. Compared to my first experience with shrooms, I was glad to be the one tripping and not being tripped! Maybe next time I'll let it take the reins a bit more.
I was, at this point, just running around in a video game in an area where nothing could attack me, as I said - I wanted as few conditions as possible. So I just walked around and looked at the cool scenery. I was in awe, video game or not, my experience was incredible. I kept repeating that. "This is incredible", I said under my breath and the words would trail off echoing after I said them. I kept saying, this is incredible - to the point where I almost got scared I'd have another "blue is love" situation and tried to alter it up and say it differently next time, lol!
Eventually I end up in this home with an NPC/AI family in it, with a fireplace going, cold winter scenery seen through the open door. There is a red rug with a symbol on the wooden floor and I'm absolutely perplexed by it. It's breathing more than everything else around it and suddenly I come to the realization that in order to truly look at the "full picture", "one must first look inside to see outside", this strange almost nonsensical revelation occurred in a very laboured way - I would think, without meaning to think at all, and come to the conclusion that I was "going in", ?to the rug I guess? and then I would "come out", step back psychologically, then step back into it, and then I realized that to step in is to step out is to see the full picture.
Which makes no sense and I'm still trying to grasp exactly what I "knew" in that moment, but I do remember also thinking "...this is what that Lao Tzu must've been on about. I bet he was high as a kite", this made me giggle really intensely just thinking about prominent philosophical figures being stoners.
I'll skip/skim over some of the trip which was just personally meaningful and probably less interesting to read, but basically I ended up leaving the house and suddenly realized this was all a metaphor of how I moved out of my parents house and was now on my own to face the bitter elements, take whatever path I may, get along with the nature and it's inhabitants, make decisions for myself. I realized I was like a bird being set free and this was now going to be the rest of my life, just like most animals, of which I saw myself fully as one in this experience.
I remember feeling like I was delving deep into my own biologicaly - that the fungus was just letting me speak to my inner-going-ons physically. I thought that was so cool. I didn't feel it in as much of a universal sense as I did the first time, but in more of a natural, "yes, this is all there is, this is all I am, isn't this lovely" sense.
Moving on throughout the map in the game I came to several areas that seemed to, again, be metaphors for things going on in my life. I came face to face with what I am doing to myself by drinking too much and not taking care of myself as well as I should physically. I saw that I am a little bit shy, but enjoyed for it.
But I am also arrogant at times, maybe even at all times but just "in the background". Every positive thing I do, when I saw this, seemed to be motivated by arrogance and a certain smugness. I saw this and just accepted it, laughing at myself at first, but ... slowly it started to beat down on me. I mean, the trip, it just kept whacking me.
Each. Realization. Of how shitty I can be to people sometimes. Whack. Whack. Whack. Whack. Are we done yet, no, okay, yeah I guess I can be pretty shitty huh, whack, whack. Eventually, it was finished. And at this moment the trip kind of ended, I don't even think it ended because it was over because things were still breathing - it seemed to end because I was psychologically burned out, I just spent the last 3 hours THINKING and really trying to feel out this spiritual presence, whatever this experience was, it was leading me the entire way and I was interested in what it had to tell me, positive or negative.
I was absolutely burned out, and psychologically wounded a little bit by the last quarter of the trip. I was having a hard time finding reasons why I was a good person. But as the trip wore off, I just kind of set back into my way, and that arrogance returned slowly. I am more aware of it now. I'm trying to integrate my experience. But I'm also aware that my experience was a dramatic portrayal/exaggeration of reality, to some degree. Maybe that's just what it takes to get through my thick-headedness. Or maybe it just happened that way because it did, and there is no point trying to wonder why.
But I do wonder what the next trip will bring. I certainly feel very positively about my second experience - overall, it was fantastic. Absolutely beautiful all the way through. At times I felt like I was shimmering. It was incredible. 
Edited by Solemn Eh (01/19/23 03:25 PM)
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